Down Low - is it cheating?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by nickymartin, Nov 4, 2007.

  1. nickymartin

    nickymartin New Member

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    I am a married guy - been w/ 2 guys ever in my life. First was in college, before I was married. Second guy was high school friend w/ benefits until last year. Tonight I met up with a hung black guy and he nailed me.

    Cheating is cheating - I know that intellectually. I love my wife and would never stray with another woman. But I don't feel the same way about guys. Why is that?


    Anyone else feel the same?
     
  2. D_Leonard_Boner_McCoy

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    No.... Im pretty sure having sex with anyone else besides your spouse is cheating. Thats just how I feel
     
  3. Toolhung

    Toolhung New Member

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    I am with loseer on this one! You are doing it with anyone other than your spouse...It is cheating. If you have an agreement with your wife that is another story.
     
  4. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Maybe because you could not produce children with a man, so it's not like you're going to run off and have another family. I guess the worst part about it is not sharing it with your spouse because it could easily impact her, disease is the first thing that comes to mind.

    I do feel the same way you do about mutual masturbation with a guy or guys - it's totally risk free as far as I know. All guys do it so you may as well share the pleasure if you find like-minded guys. I always think that guys are way, way too uptight about having a jerk-off buddy.
     
  5. Timbo5678

    Timbo5678 New Member

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    I have for forty years been in a wonderful and successful open relationship.

    If you truly love your wife and have no desire to leave her and establish a new relationship with the guy you go on the down low with, I don't think you're cheating.

    To both my partner and myself, cheating is when your strongest emotional is not to the person with whom you are having your primary relationship.

    Adultery is when you're having sex with a person who is not your spouse, and
    your non spouse sexual partner is the one with whom you have an emotional attachment.

    Don't let the puritans frighten you from enjoying your body and your life.
     
  6. Principessa

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    Doubt Means Don't! ~ Oprah Winfrey
     
  7. Principessa

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    Georgia Divorce Laws

    From Cathy Meyer,
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    Georgia Divorce Laws

    RESIDENCY REQUIREMENTS: To file for a divorce in Georgia, at least one spouse needs to be a resident of the state for six months before filing a petition for divorce. [Based on Georgia Code - Section: 19-5-5]
    LEGAL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE: The following grounds for divorce are recognized in the state of Georgia:
    • Marriage between close blood relations.
    • Mental incapacity at the time of the marriage.
    • Impotency at the time of the marriage.
    • Force, menace, duress, or fraud in obtaining the marriage.
    • Pregnancy of the wife by a man other than the husband, at the time of the marriage, unknown to the husband.
    • Adultery in either of the parties after marriage.
    • Willful and continued desertion by either of the parties for the term of one year.
    • The conviction of either party for an offense involving moral turpitude, under which he is sentenced to imprisonment in a penal institution for a term of two years or longer.
    • Habitual intoxication.
    • Cruel treatment, which shall consist of the willful infliction of pain, bodily or mental, upon the complaining party, such as reasonably justifies apprehension of danger to life, limb, or health.
    • Incurable mental illness.
    • Habitual drug addiction, consisting of addiction to any controlled substance as defined in Article 2 of Chapter 13 of Title 16; (13) Irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
    [Based on Georgia Code - Section: 19-5-3]
    LEGAL SEPARATION: When spouses are living separately, either spouse may petition the court for alimony or child support without having a divorce pending. The other party will be notified of such a petition, and the judge can grant such an order, to be enforced in the same manner as a divorce. [Based on Georgia Code - Section: 19-6-10]
    MEDIATION OR COUNSELING REQUIREMENTS: In contested divorce cases, the judge may refer the couple to an appropriate alternative dispute resolution program prior to a trial, if such method is reasonably available without additional cost to the parties. [Based on Georgia Code - Section: 19-5-1]
    PROPERTY DISTRIBUTION: Georgia is an equitable distribution state. At this time, there are no statutes regarding what the court considers when distributing the property in a divorce case. Generally, the separate property of each spouse shall remain the separate property of that spouse. [Based on Georgia Code - Section: 19-3-9]
    ALIMONY/MAINTENANCE/SPOUSAL SUPPORT: Alimony may be awarded on either temporary or permanent basis. A party shall not be entitled to alimony if it is established by a preponderance of the evidence that the marital discord was caused by that party's adultery or desertion. Alimony may be awarded in accordance with the needs of the party seeking alimony, and the ability of the other party to pay. Unless otherwise provided, alimony shall end upon the remarriage of the party receiving alimony. In determining whether or not to grant alimony, the court shall consider evidence of the conduct of each party toward the other. The following shall be considered in determining the amount of alimony, if any, to be awarded:
    • The standard of living established during the marriage.
    • The duration of the marriage.
    • The age and the physical and emotional condition of both parties.
    • The financial resources of each party.
    • The time necessary for either party to acquire sufficient education or training to enable him to find appropriate employment.
    • The contribution of each party to the marriage, including, but not limited to, services rendered in homemaking, child care, education, and career building of the other party.
    • The condition of the parties, including the separate estate, earning capacity, and fixed liabilities of the parties.
    • Such other relevant factors as the court deems equitable and proper.
    [Based on Georgia Code - Sections: 19-6-1 and 19-6-5]
     
  8. Drifterwood

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    There are only two people's opinions that matter on this. Yours and your wife's.

    If you think that there is no way that your wife would accept or tolerate your desire for and practice of sex with other men, then only gamble with what you are happy to lose.

    Personally, I am very sympathetic to your sexual dilemma. Good luck.
     
  9. Adam70

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    Mate, I'm a gay guy and therefore the rules I play by is somewhat different than those of straight people. It not for me (or anyone else for that matter) to tell you whether what you do is ok or not. I personally dont believe that compulsory monogamny is always the best way to be in a relationship. It seems that you enjoy playing with men and want permission from someone (us?) that its ok. This is something firstly you have to come to terms with and then negotiate it with your wife, or, if you prefer, not negotiate with your wife and deal with your feelings about 'cheating'. Bottom line, I can't give you permission or not, and I can also not judge you.

    Good luck Bud.
     
  10. DC_DEEP

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    The reason you don't feel the same way about guys is that you don't want to. You want to be able to rationalize what you are doing.

    It doesn't matter who you cheat with; as long as you have to hide it from your wife or lie about it, it is cheating.

    You just redefine things to suit your needs. That's not fair. I'm not a puritan, but I don't do stuff I would have to lie to my partner about.

    Adultery has nothing to do with emotional attachment.

    Re-defining adultery or cheating to better suit your needs doesn't change the ethics; no moreso than if politicians re-defined bribery or corruption.
     
  11. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    I don't think getting married was very wise. Or fair on your wife. Yes its cheating and yes its adultery.
     
  12. northwestone

    northwestone New Member

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    I think there's a tide of agreement here. cheating is cheating.

    if you can persuade your wife to support your decision to have sex with men then great. some people have very successful 'open' relationships, these must be open by negotiation, not deceit.

    if you really love your wife, you'll stop cheating, or agree between yourselves what the boundaries are.

    otherwise live with the shame - you deserve it.
     
  13. Timbo5678

    Timbo5678 New Member

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    My wife has had (in the past and present) many, many lovers of both sexes. She has had them with my blessing, and I find hearing of her sexual adventures a real turn on that leads to fantastic sessions of very hot sex. She also gets very turned on by my tales of sexual adventure.

    We believe it is NOT cheating, because we both have each other's permission to have sexual relationships with other.

    Yes, we have created rules that work for us. Isn't that the purpose of a creative life. Neither of us wanted to follow the rules, thank God we found each other and had the courage to change the rules for ourselves!

    If creating new rules for yourself and/or your wife or lover, wouldn't work then by all means don't do it. But do know, the reason I call you puritans, is because you not only are offended by our creative life style, but because that while enjoying it we have also had a very happy a successful marriage that has lasted forty years. With a track record like that it seems to me we're doing something right.

    Would you rather we divorced because of our actions because that is what the small minded conformists in our society wanted us to do? (And for the record, both my wife and I have been over the years repeated been told by others that it is absurd that we don't divorce each other, you can't have a
    "real" marriage and behave as we do. What they can't seem to comprehend is that we love each other very deeply, and together have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. We also want more, and have the courage to trust each other to get what we personally want.

    We do have our cake and are eating it also. It seems to me we should be congratulated for our cleverness (especially in this group) rather than being condemned for our creative life style!
     
  14. Ethyl

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    No one is condemning you for your lifestyle. This discussion has nothing to do with lifestyle. The concern is whether or not the OP's wife knows he is going on the down low. If she's not aware, she should know, lest she find out by accident and the relationship possibly ruined.

    Whatever two people decide in a relationship that works for them is right. If you feel as though you can't discuss sexual matters with your partner then your relationship is probably not too solid.
     
  15. CUBE

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    I think it is your business, but are you making VERY sure you are safe...because you are exposing your spouse to the same people and that is not fair. If you are getting off ...then whatever...if you are loving someone else...you are cheating on your soul.
     
  16. Principessa

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    Is that really true? Do gay men play by a different set of rules? Or is it just that left to your own devices most men, gay or straight will fuck anything at any time with little regard as to the consequences? :confused:
     
  17. tiggerpoo

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    Dear njqt466, sadly, this seems to be true. :redface:

    There may be exceptions, but it's typically true. I've often wondered why. Could it be that males typically carry 30 times the hormonal load than do women so that they are intoxicated or drunk with hormones? Would women be the same if they carried a similar hormonal load? :rolleyes:

    One of the members on LPSG has the question: What's the definition of a slut: Answer: A woman with the morals of a man.
     
  18. koval

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    once you marry a person you forsake all others (whether it's male or female). So technically you are cheating.
     
  19. B_Italian1

    B_Italian1 New Member

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    When you got married you made a bond with your wife. Whether you cheat with a man or a woman it's still cheating. You don't have an open arrangement. Turn it around. What if she did what you did?
    If she has sex with a woman you wouldn't think of that as cheating because it's female/female?
    But if she had sex with another man you would because it's male/female?
     
  20. Altairion

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    I'm in agreement here. You're playing with fire dude.
     
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