Downloading Porn

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by BigFan, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Ok, people, so I really need some input. Though I've been going through some rough life circumstances/speedbumps, I figure it should have nothing to do with this -- despite the fact that it's totally NOT the first time this has happened....

    Seems like damn near every time I turn my back, my husband is online (be it on his phone or on the PC) downloading porn of some sort or another. It is nothing overtly shocking ... I pretty much know what he's into.

    Admittedly, I can't fulfill all of his niches/wants/nuances. Nonetheless, we've been together for (what will be) 9 years (in November). Am I wrong that this bugs me and pisses me off?

    I might add that, hell yes, I look at and download stuff too. The difference(s) here is(/are) that 1) without even being asked, I tell him I have and do look at and download. 2) I don't lie about it. 3) Even if "caught," he lies. 4) When we've discussed or argued about it before, he tells me it's due to sex seeming taboo to him when he was growing up (though he's damn near 35 now) and that he has always found it a difficult subject to deal with. And 5) No matter WHAT I'm going through (though we're a couple and I figure when one suffers the other does too, and sex ain't necessarily on the front burner -- specially the download variety), he STILL is found to be online doing what the hell ever.

    To be honest it makes me so mad and I can't help feelong annoyed, pissed off, and even jealous. Maybe it's just me. Your comments, thoughts, experiences, guidance, PLEASE???

    (Pardon me if this is a repeated question. In my angst, I didn't search. I'm sure someone will inform me if it IS a repeat.)

    Thanks guys. Hope to hear from you. If you need more info, I'll damn sure get back to you ASAP.
     
  2. Bbucko

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    Just some ideas...

    1) One of the chief ways porn is eroticised by many men is the "naughty" part to be enjoyed serripticiously. Sometimes the best part of porn is the "forbidden" quality, and being open and sharing about it kills that buzz.

    2) Perhaps he derives some pleasure (either subconsciously or not) from excluding you from that part of his life. Who knows? Maybe the same subconscious motivator is trying to pick a fight.

    3) Is it possible that he's feeling that, after nine years, things have stagnated a bit? Is the sex life basically OK or does it leave either of you feeling unfulfilled?

    4) Maybe he's just obsessed with porn. Has he always been this way or is something suddenly making it worse, either in appearance or in fact?

    5) How respectful in general is he of your feelings? Usually someone who would otherwise be considerate won't act out. Does he think this is in some way (re)asserting himself?

    Good luck in finding some answers.
     
  3. D_Andy_Whorewall

    D_Andy_Whorewall Account Disabled

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    Men and porn, it's what makes us tick. Does he abuse the priveledge or is he just avoidng your needs ?

    Since you seem to have an open relationship maybe you and he should set some limits:2 hours a night is porn time, 1 hour a night is personal time, 30 minutes a night is laundry, etc.

    Everybody needs limits and boundaries. Porn is the ultimate diversion from everyday life, maybe there's something in his life he wants to divert from: Problems at work or a coworker, etc.

    Talk it out and see what comes about...Good Luck !
     
  4. datdude

    datdude New Member

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    Maybe he has a problem with it. I read an artical on CNN a few months ago, on guys getting addicted to online porno. Many men are having problems with this now, since free porn is a clxik away, in your own home.

    Or maybe he just needs some seperate time in his sex life away from you. No woman is ever going to fully satisfy a mans need to see other women. You could look like the girl in the porno and he would be looking at another woman. Guys are just that way. No big deal. Long as he is having sex with you and the porn is not interfering in your sex life.

    I just started to date my girl and sex is still pretty new, but I still look at porn. Women dont have the sex drive that men have. I need sex 3 times a day, everyday.Women usally dont want that much sex, so porn comes in handy.
     
  5. Knight Attrition

    Knight Attrition New Member

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    I'm not clear are you a woman going through a sex change procedure? Are you a man going through a sex change procedure? I'm not trying to be a jerk but if you married him and then decided to do this it may not be sitting so great with him. Personally if I married a chick and then she decided to become a man, I would be more than a little put off.

    If I'm wrong and/or offended anyone I apologize in advance I'm just looking for reasons why this guy is seemingly addicted to porn
     
  6. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Thanks Bbucko. Great ideas. Let's see if I can respond:

    1) Agreed that this may play a part. I would accept the whole thing based on this if only he didn't lie even after the fact and with "proof" in place.

    2) Deriving pleasure from excluding me from this may relate back to your first topic, so, again, that's possible. Don't know whether he's TRYING to pick a fight, but it does seem that the next day (when I'm still upset about the argument), he acts as though HE is the one who should be angry and treats me with an attitude. So maybe he DOES enjoy the fight? Wierd and stupid to me though!

    3) The sex life is okay as it always has been. I don't think stagnation is the problem. He has always had this attraction to porn.

    4) It hasn't gotten WORSE, it's about the same. Long ago in our relationship, I took it as a personal affront or a sign of disrespect. I learned to get the hell over that and just say, "Men will be men no matter how dumb I think it is". The thing that bugs me about the whole damn thing is the LYING -- especially when caught redhanded. I just don't see any need for it and even though I've gotten past thinking looking at porn alone is disrespectful to me, I cannot get beyond thinking that lying to me is disrespectful and I don't really think I need to.

    5) Funny thing is, in most all other areas, he is extremely considerate, respectful and supportive. Honestly, other people have been jealous that I have such a good husband, and I can see why. In saying that, I know I'm opening the door for people to say that I'm shooting for the sun when I should be satisfied with the moon. Believe me, I know no relationship is or is going to be completely perfect. Still, I have a right to raise the issue when something in particular bothers me.

    Thanks again, my friend. Great comments.

     
  7. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Dude, I couldn't agree more with these statements!!! Thanks.
     
  8. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    No problem with clarifying, Knight -- 'specially since you were very respectful in the way you asked and spoke on it. 'Preciate that.

    I am a pre-op male to female transsexual. Have lived the way I am since I was 18. When we met, he thought I was a genetic woman, but I told him on our second date since I have never believed it was right to deceive a guy if the possibility exists for a more intimate relationship. Regardless, we fell in love and got married, so no question that he knew from the beginning.

    The role I think this may play in the porn thing is that perhaps as I am not physically female, the porn comes in to play to satisfy his desires for those parts that I don't have. We've discussed it. Again, however, I don't have a problem with that... only the LYING about it.

    Thanks again, Knight for your respect and your contribution.
     
  9. gjorg

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    Men are from mars and woman are from venus. Viva la differance. Celebrate his sexuality. Men are always horny.
     
  10. gjorg

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    I forgot ----get the op. Put yourself on a level playing field
     
  11. rstrnt

    rstrnt New Member

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    In our house, we do anything we want to online. We are honest and open about what we are looking at and doing with it.
     
  12. MuscleBound

    MuscleBound New Member

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    Fan - It is good that you are getting the operation, because you are most definately genetically a women. I HATE this characteristic in women, but I can at least now understand it. (By the way, I do know one completely straight guy that does this, but only one.)

    My advice is simple. Leave it the hell alone. Your husband has apparently been too nice to tell you that he doesn't need you involved in every aspect and mili-second of his life. He wants some time to lust and potentially rub one off without you. Is that so bad? Does it really have to part of your life? Is that so much to ask? Well in fairness to you he probably hasn't asked.

    He's acting pissed-off because it annoys him that you can't see this yourself. I have always considered it the most frustrating aspect to most women. I think it is rooted in jealousy, but it's not really jealousy of any particular women, or the porn itself. It's jealousy that their man is having any kind of sexual pleasure without them. They always think they own that.

    Men on the other hand (no pun intended) have been fantasing and jerking off (usually) by themselves for their entire adult life, and want to continue it without judgement. They lie about it because they don't want to share it, at least not all the time. Some of the time can be fun, but doing it with yourself and by yourself is really cool. And its erotic in a way that doing it with your wife just is not. Maybe we should want to share and talk about it and blah, blah, blah.... Oh and remember, it's the only other choice for releasing our fantasies beside cheating.

    I finally just laid it all out to my wife, and after that she's been good. As long as it makes me happy and I am ready to give her the high hard one whenever she wants it, then its all good.

    Think about it. If I'm off base, then sorry.
     
  13. MH07

    MH07 Member

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    A. 9 years. ALL married men look at porn at 9 years. All of them. If they say they don't---they're lying.

    B. They aren't going to tell their spouses. That's one thing that's drilled into most of us from the time we first started jacking off---don't tell anybody (even though your Dad, your relatives, and all your friends do it too; it's just unmentionable).

    C. For me, the fact that I looked at porn or looked at other guys IN NO WAY (really) had anything to do with the way I felt about my partner (I'm freshly de-partnered after 7 years, because HE found somebody else, and it was somebody we knew, and it was a big mess...). I loved my partner wholeheartedly right up until he broke the news that he was leaving ; I never stepped out on him, etc. Look at porn? You betcha.

    If I were you, I'd just leave him alone and let him wank. IF and only if it looks like maybe he's doing it a bit too much (like maybe an addiction, as mentioned above), then maybe some intervention is in order. Otherwise, let him wank in private and keep him satisfied in the sack when you're together.

    Just my opinion.

     
  14. Aitch

    Aitch New Member

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    I admit that I used to get upset by this sort of thing but I realised that my feelings were more to do with my own self-esteem/insecurity issues than anything else.
    Now, I'm a lot older & a lot more secure (most of the time!) and it bothers me not.
    Also, I realised two things: 1) that there were/are far worse things than looking at porn & 2) that no amount of nagging or pleading made the slightest bit of difference, so I gave up. That DID make a difference. It seems that, because I appeared to be apathetic about it, the need to it diminished (not entirely but...).
    Oh, how times have changed! My current partner & I both look at porn together & in our respective homes. I dont know what he looks at in private & frankly, dont much care because there's sod all I could do to stop him even if I didnt like the content of his viewing, so what's the point? If either of us finds something we think may be of interest/curiosity to the other then we'll share via email...

    Dunno whether that will help in any way...
     
  15. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Fan - It is good that you are getting the operation, because you are most definately genetically a women.

    Thank you for noticing! :biggrin1:

    I HATE this characteristic in women, but I can at least now understand it.

    I'm glad you do.

    Your husband has apparently been too nice to tell you that he doesn't need you involved in every aspect and mili-second of his life.

    I wouldn't call it "nice". I value honesty but the truth is, sometimes, honesty hurts. I can handle that.

    He wants some time to lust and potentially rub one off without you. Is that so bad?

    No

    Does it really have to part of your life?

    No

    Is that so much to ask? Well in fairness to you he probably hasn't asked.

    True!


    Men on the other hand (no pun intended) have been fantasing and jerking off (usually) by themselves for their entire adult life, and want to continue it without judgement. They lie about it because they don't want to share it, at least not all the time. Some of the time can be fun, but doing it with yourself and by yourself is really cool. And its erotic in a way that doing it with your wife just is not. Maybe we should want to share and talk about it and blah, blah, blah.... Oh and remember, it's the only other choice for releasing our fantasies beside cheating.

    LOL, you are SUCH a ... MAN! :rolleyes: But at least you are man enough to put it all out there. I may not LOVE the way you've said things, but I do appreciate the bare conviction in what you say. And I can accept it.

    I finally just laid it all out to my wife, and after that she's been good.

    "she's been "good" ? :rolleyes: God bless that poor woman.

    Anyway, good post, Mr. Muscle. Sincerely, I do appreciate your comments. (You oughtta post some pics with a name like yours, you know! :wink: )
     
  16. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Good opinions. It's a shame our culture does this thing to people to make them think sex and sexuality is so shameful. But I agree with what you've said. Overall, I think my opinion is beginning to be swayed.

    I'm VERY sorry for the loss of your partner. I hope time will ease your pain and show you you deserved better than to be treated so poorly.
     
  17. BigFan

    BigFan New Member

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    Aitch, thanks for posting. I was beginning to wonder if I would get any women's responses. I agree with your points. As I said earlier, I'm beginning to have my opinion swayed. well, that, or I'm just getting worn down. LOL Cheers, dear.
     
  18. avalonlovelove

    avalonlovelove New Member

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    :smile: Be careful about downloading porn it can really screw up your computer.Just some friendly warnings.:smile:
     
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