ok, i think i'm understanding what's going on with you a little more. it sounds like the one concrete thing that you can really concentrate on is her weight, but that is only a symbol for the deeper things happening in the relationship. it sounds like you feel that over the years she has stopped putting anything into you, your marriage and even herself. it sounds like you are very frustrated because you feel that you have done all that you can and she has done less and less-- letting herself go physically, not getting a job, not paying bills etc.
i wonder if she is depressed. have you talked to her about this? has she seen a therapist or a doctor? have you gone to couples counseling? have you seen a therapist? if not, any or all of these things may help both of you even if your marriage splits up anyway. you may learn some of the ways that you've enabled her to get where she is and maybe new strategies to help her. you may learn some things about yourself so that you can move on from this relationship and heal if that's what you decide to do.
i feel like there's an underlying issue here with her or with the dynamics of your relationship that you're not addressing. she's not pulling away like she is for no reason-- and i think finding that reason is the key to at least making this split amicable and as easy as possible on your children.
good luck!
Snoozan ty for your 2 bits, It's always nice to get a different perspective, you're right, the weight was NOT the reason for the split, it was her refusal to get a job and help me support our children, it hurts me more than I could explain to do this to my kids but I grew up watching my parents fight in front of us kids and my sister ended up paying the ultimate price for that.
I couldn't accept the fact of being the indentured servant day in day out while she sat on the couch watching 12-15 hours of TV a day(I checked).
Month after month I shot ideas to her and she shot them down, I didn't care what kind of job it was as long as it got her out of the house for some "her time" and get her interested in somrthing other than the house and kids, but she refused to even do that. So, I gave her a choice, she's living at her mother's across town now. I even offered her the new car--she refused that too! And 2 days after she took off to her mom's she called and said she wanted her name off of everything, so, I obliged as much as I could, I even traded the car off on a new truck for me(I've been driving a Camry with a leaky exhaust and 450,000 miles on it while she drove a new
Malibu-for the last 5 years!)
wish me luck --I get to take my kids back over there right now!
thanks again all
Jakes