Dunno if it's me or them. Feel like guys obsess over me

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_BarryBunwarmer, Jan 5, 2010.

  1. D_BarryBunwarmer

    D_BarryBunwarmer Account Disabled

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    So I got this new boyfriend who I've been seeing for about a month and now I'm contemplating breaking up with him because his attention toward me is getting so overwhelming. At first, it was cute. He would just be gazing at me. We'd be watching a movie and I could feel his eyes on me. I'd look at him and go "What?" and he'd go "Nothing" and smile and continue gazing. And that starts to make me feel uncomfortable. I would have thought that it would let up after a while but it never has.

    We'll be hanging out and all the sudden he'll say "I miss you" and I'll say "I'm sitting right here with you" and he'll say "I know. But when I leave I'll miss you" and I'm like oook....

    He keeps saying "What did I do to be so lucky to have a guy like you?" The first dozen times I'd say "Aww I feel the same way" but he keeps saying it!

    On my facebook I'll log on and see I have 34 messages all from him. Messages like "I miss you" "I want you" "I need you"

    He IMed me and said "I miss you" and I had just had enough of it and I said "So I've heard" because I was SICK of saying "I miss you too." Then he got upset and was like "Well at least somebody is missing somebody in this relationship."

    I don't know if it's me and maybe I don't know a good thing when I got it. Maybe I'm an insensitive jerk or if it's him. I mean, I like him and I find him attractive but the constant gushing over me is really pushing me away.

    I wish he would just chill out

    edit: I should note this is his first relationship

    edit 2: Oh, and he doesn't have a job. Which, I think, is a big part of the problem. He's 22 and doesn't go to school or work. I ask him what he does at home and he says he gets up at like 6am and will sit on his porch and play with his cat all day. And I'm like "That's it?" and he'll go "Pretty much"

    So here I come along and all the sudden all his focus is on me. And I both work and go to school and he doesn't understand how that takes up a lot of my time. He even called me a flake because I had to not spend the night with him because I had finals. But even though I had to cancel the spending the night, I did spend the day with him. So I tried to compromise but he saw it as me flaking out. Which really pissed me off
     
    #1 D_BarryBunwarmer, Jan 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  2. Principessa

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    Who supports him and why? Seriously, at 21 I had already completed junior college and was working full-time; though I did still live with the folks. Does he have some sort of disability? Cause the rule in my family was at 18 you have 3 choices: college, work, or join the military.

    If his parents didn't give him that option and he couldn't figure that out then you need to dump him because this situation will not get better. :frown1:
    • He is sounding WAY too needy and clingy, but I can see why.
    • Encourage him to put down the pussy (cat) and do something with his life.
    • Explain to him that you are used to being in a relationship where the other person brings something to the table other than good looks and great sex. Say it more tactfully than I just did. :redface:

     
  3. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    He lives with his mom and his brother. His brother is 27 and has no job either and apparently never wants to have a job. At least, that's what my bf told me. And the mom has no problem with it

    My bf keeps saying he desperately wants a job but he has yet to put in any applications. I even tried to get him a job where I work but he hasn't pursued that. Which is probably a good thing.

    He gets used by his friends who make him babysit their kids. So that's like a job but he doesn't get paid for it. He even got suckered into tagging along on a friend's trip out of state so that he would babysit for her. She'd go out while he'd stay and watch the kids.

    I'm really in a bad position and I feel bad for now wanting out of this relationship. I've been wanting a bf real bad to the point of joining dating sites. And now that I got one I want to get rid of him.

    But he's a really nice guy and I don't want to hurt him. He's incredibly insecure and will always being saying "Ugh I suck at this" on our dates because he thinks he's doing something wrong. He doesn't feel like he's good enough at anything. I try to boost up his confidence and I think it's worked maybe too well because now he wont leave me alone

    There are times when I really like being around him and I nearly told him I loved him. THANK GOD I didn't!
     
    #3 D_BarryBunwarmer, Jan 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  4. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Oh, my god. [He sounds like a total pain in the ass.] I don't ever want to be someone's total reason for breathing.

    Run, don't walk, away.
     
  5. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    I just feel like a total prick/jerk for wanting to ditch somebody because they LIKE me so much. It's like

    "you're the greatest guy ever" "oh thanks, I'm dumping you"

    I feel horrible and have no idea how to tell him

    He's even predicted I'd dump him from the start. Every time we're together he'd say things like I'm gonna find somebody hotter leave him. He has no self esteem and he'll probably cry when I tell him I want to end it.
     
  6. D_Hymey Hammerhang

    D_Hymey Hammerhang New Member

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    Wow I got annoyed just reading about it - I can't imagine being in your position. But I agree - get out of it. You're gonna sound like a jerk to him either way no matter how you try to say it. But the truth is: he's motherfucking CLINGY. While you're at it, tell him he has self-esteem issues. Just get it all out. The kid needs a slap in the face if he ever wants to keep a relationship going.
     
  7. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    I'm going to be having a talk with him tomorrow. It's gonna be really hard. I'm gonna feel like the biggest asshole. That's IF I have the courage to do it.
     
  8. D_Hymey Hammerhang

    D_Hymey Hammerhang New Member

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    Please do it. Yes you're going to feel like an asshole - no use in sugarcoating it. But you're obviously miserable - it HAS to be done.
     
  9. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    So what's the best tactic to take so that he's not like suicidal?

    It's me not you?
    You're too good for me?
    I'm dying and want you to find another mate?
     
  10. ssa5522

    ssa5522 New Member

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    Hey Kurt, well let me ask you some questions about your bf if that is ok. But first, let me tell you I WAS one of those guys. I fell in love with this guy which DID become my reason to breathe. Now that I matured and understood many things, I can see what a pain in the ass I was. He WAS my best friend and we´re still friends after many years AND tears. It did hurt me when he said he wanted to leave me, completely, he wanted to stop being my friends, cause my feelings were too intense. Anyway I do think it has to be with a lack of self esteem.
    Do you know all about his life as a kid? I mean guys with self esteem have an unsolved problem which they have to deal with. Another thing is... is he out of the closet or does anyone else know he´s gay? Cause I think that was one of the main reasons for me to feel like that for my friend, he was the only guy that knew about me so he was my only option, therefore I put all my attention into our relationship. PLEASE help him find something to do, if he doesn´t want to go to school or work, that means he doesn´t want anything of life, that also speaks of bad self esteem, he´s sucking your life. STOP it. I mean it, it is the best thing you can do, for both of you. If you can, stay close and help him ovecome his issues, if he is still having problems with you then step aside, just be careful for his reactions, he seems like a very emotional guy, trust me I can relate, he has to learn how to control his emotions. By the way, I want everyone to know I´m not like this anymore, hehehe. I just come from a party where this guy was and we are pretty good friends, he has a boyfriend and I´m very happy for him. I´m still looking for one. Hope I helped. =)
     
  11. ssa5522

    ssa5522 New Member

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    Just tell him the truth, and if he does become suicidal, just tell him to see this movie: (500) Days of Summer. It is great!
     
  12. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    Well I know he has issues with his dad and his step mom when he came out. Apparently, when he came out to his dad, he and his step mom trashed all his possessions. So yes, he is out to his family. And he says his brother is always calling him a fag and he wishes his brother was dead and stuff. So it's not easy for him living there. He could remedy that by getting a job and moving out though.

    He also told me he was molested by his brother. I didn't ask him for any details on that and I'll just assume it's true.

    Other things that bother me about his personality is he's a little bitchy. Not to me but other people. He calls his mom a "fucking bitch" which I don't care for since she's letting him live there rent free for...forever.

    And when we're in a car driving and people pass by he'll make nasty comments about people's looks and if someone pulls in front of him he'll be like "Get out of my fucking way bitch!" and I'm sitting there thinking "just take me home"

    He also smokes which REALLY bothers me. I tried REALLY hard to overlook it. He knows it bothers me and doesn't do it around me but I can smell it on his clothes and taste it every time we kiss.

    His kisses are also very slobbery.

    I know I just bashing on him now. In the beginning everything was great. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. But that wore off and now I have a hard time thinking about why I want to stay with him.
     
  13. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    lol "I'm breaking up with you. Here, watch this movie" lol
     
  14. sexplease

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    His prediction is his projections partially of his esteem issues, but mostly passive/aggressive control issues and exuberant impulsiveness.

    but let's talk about you.

    we all bring things and facets of our personalities and lives into relationships. All sorts of relationships, not just romantic. When our needs are not being met or fulfilled, it is reasonable and fair to ourselves to seek what we need or desire elsewhere. And, it is our compassion and hopefully wisdom to sometimes make it as clear and comfortable to an other person that we:
    sometimes are unable or incapable to offer something that another person needs, desires or wants. fact of life. period.
    ( I want blue. You offer red. This does not satisfy my want)
    You feel you cannot, or are unable to give to him what you feel he needs and deserves, and by trying to, is making you unhappy or uncomfortable.
    Wish him the best on his search for fulfilling his life and desires, needs and wants.
    He will hopefully get what he needs and deserves, as I hope we all do in life.

    All you can do is talk about how you FEEL.
    He cannot argue reasonably with you about your feelings. He may try, but stand your ground.
    Think, take time... and make your choices carefully in life.

    Often what gets people into trouble, were it with relationships or with the law, it's because they cannot just sit in a room and think.

    Your friend lacks patients. He's impulsive and that is one of his ways of showing his untempered new-found relationship (or lack thereof) skills.
    he's excited. and has growing to do.

    best of life to you,
    keep us posted.

    M*
     
  15. crescendo69

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    I had a very clingy friend and found he was very bad for me. I never really faced him about it. Still in his forties, he is living with his folks in a strange rental, no-visitor relationship. Ours was not a sexual relationship, though I think he wanted it to blossom into one; when we first met, he was already suggesting getting a place together. I had a roommate at the time we met who was already causing problems at home and apparently was telling my friend all sorts of horrible things he would do to me if I kicked him out. My friend seemed to enjoy relaying all this information to me.

    In short, I kicked both out of my life - no discussions. I had lost thirty pounds and was a paranoid wreck. I don't feel I owe them a thing.

    But perhaps a short explanation that you are very uncomfortable with his behavior and home situation will be fair enough. If he talks suicide, this is not your fault; you must look after your own mental health first, and you can tell him that.
     
  16. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    Thanks

    They say that breaking is hard to do. Now I know, I know that it's true
     
  17. ssa5522

    ssa5522 New Member

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    I think crescendo is right. I just suggested being gentle with him, I wish someone had been with me. Although it wasn´t until I figured out that I had to overcome my problems myself, that I changed. It is just painful... I don´t want you to feel bad, but it is. Anyway, I think that is the way it has to be done. Maybe getting him to talk about HIS feelings with his family and stuff would be something worth trying BEFORE breaking up? I don´t know, there are many ways, I bet you are fed up with this though, so it is you choice. Best of lucks!
     
  18. eyescream

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    He needs a hobby that he's really interested in. I dumped one of my ex because he was just like that. It's like he had nothing better to do but obsess over me. I was appreciative but it was suffocating!
     
  19. D_BarryBunwarmer

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    So it's done. We broke up. Sadly, it was over Facebook

    He actually made it easier on me. I got on today and had two angry messages from him because he felt like I was avoiding him. We agreed to talk today between 12 and 3:30. So I get on at 2 and see that he's been panicking that I wasn't on and thinking it was because I didn't want to talk to him. He said "I'm beside myself. I don't know what to do"

    So I get on and he immediately says "So what do you think?" and I hadn't even had a chance to read his messages yet. So I told him that I had been thinking about our relationship and that I thought it was sweet that he missed me so much but that it was getting too intense for me and that I didn't feel like I had what he needed in a relationship. Which was my way of saying "I do stuff in my life and can't be around you 24hrs a day"

    He asked me why I didn't tell him sooner that what he was doing was bothering me and I told him a) because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and b) because I had to take time to figure out what my feelings were.

    He said it was the first time he cried over a guy. Which, me being his first boyfriend, isn't a surprise.

    I told him I didn't want to hurt him and his response was "too late"

    He asked if we can still be friends. I reluctantly said yes. But then he said he wouldn't bother me anymore and apologized for not making me happy.

    So now I'm single again and I think I will stay single for a good long while. At least until I'm out of school. I don't need anymore distractions or added stress right now.

    Thanks for listening
     
  20. iluvbigheads

    iluvbigheads New Member

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    ...you see I get called insensitive; now this is a good example why I do and I make no apologies for it. While I don't blame you for wanting out, such guy would stand zero chance with me - I do not roll with broke guys period. But, I think the interesting part of this is the use of Facebook to break up with someone. Not something respectable, but the easy way out (and so do many folks). Why do I say? Well the poor broke boyfriend's emotional state was probably even more compounded by Facebook alone given what I read here. How do I know? Studies have shown that Facebook use in relationships compounds emotions like jealousy, for example.
     
    #20 iluvbigheads, Jan 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
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