ED -- help me get my head out of my ass

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by RawDog, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. RawDog

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Messages:
    4,475
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    66
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Grinding the backstop (in Colorado)
    I've posted here enough to let y'all think I'm some sexual juggernaut without any imperfections, but let me fill you guys in on something really difficult to admit.

    I sometimes have problems getting it up.

    (SIDENOTE: My internal conversation is in parenthesis)

    Last night and this morning was particularly painful. I know what happens to me too, and every bit of it is psychological. It always starts as something innocuous.

    Last night, after a day of smutty texting with MrsR, I come home all hot, horny and chomping at the bit to get inside her. I push her on to the couch, take her bottom off, and proceed to lick her. Her first words were, "Wouldn't you want to kiss me first?" (or something like that).

    "No!" I replied. I wanted to get in her ASAP and getting her to cum orally before penetration is mandatory for so many reasons.

    (So there I was happily licking, sucking and nibbling away when it hits me... Hmm, maybe I should've kissed her first. Oh well, too late now)

    I spread her labia open and dart my tongue in and out tasting her, licking all around, paying attention to not giving her clit direct stimulation.

    (Shit, maybe I should've kissed her first, she's not writhing like she always does, maybe she's miffed?)

    I pull back her clit hood with my tongue up and down, side to side. Sucking, pulling, nibbling.

    (Hmm, she should've cum by now, that usually brings her over the top, Maybe I should try this...)

    I suck down on the whole area, my top lip just above the base of her clit, my bottom lip up above her perineum. I gently pull on it twisting my face side to side, the whole organ in my mouth. She's starting to cum now.

    (Yup, this is definitley working. Would've been quicker though if I had kissed her first. Definitely kiss her first next time I'm impatient. Just take the time to kiss her and she'll be happy.)

    My dick is hard as a rock now, throbbing on every beat of my heart. I can feel her writhing, bucking up and down, moaning louder and louder.

    (COOL! She's cumming, I start mentally humming, "we're in the money")

    Apparently my humming wasn't so quiet and she starts telling me to do that again as she's almost at the point of no return.

    (Humming? I was humming? Dammit, concentrate)

    I hum and lick and nibble and pull and suck and hum.

    Then she cums.

    (Happyhappy Joyjoy... Roscoe's going to get some now!)

    I happily smile at her glowing face and get on my knees, wipe my chin, and start working my blood engorged cock in her.

    (Hmm, she's usually a lot more reactive to this)

    I'm almost all the way in her now, and she's not cumming.

    (She always cums on inititial penetration.... ALWYAYS. Fuck, something's gone wrong)

    I get balls deep finally and she smiles at me.

    (Smile? She's smiling?? Fuck, I knew I should've kissed her first)

    BANG!! It's gone!! We both look down and my dick slides out, LIMP!!

    (SONOFABITCH!!! WTF!)

    Anyway, the rest of the evening gets ugly. Really ugly. We argue, I'm confused. I'm depressed. Then it dawns on us... I was fixated on that opening kiss that should've happened.

    To make a long sad story short, I failed to perform last night and I just couldn't get my brain to stop this viscious spiral to the "I fucked up" stage.

    This isn't the first time something like this happens to me, I'm embarrassed to admit. I always bounce back the next day. I have doubts sometimes, which I get paranoid, which then feeds right back into my spiral, but I've always recovered the next day.

    Anyone have any tips or tricks to help them stop this spiral to begin with?

    Anyone here know what I'm talking about?

    Anyone else have this experience?
     
    #1 RawDog, Oct 14, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2010
  2. matt_692k4

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2010
    Messages:
    97
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Texas
    Verified:
    Photo
    With my finace, ive never had this issue.. But with ex's I have. My job is extremely stressful, especially for someone of my age. Im gone from home alot, and alone about 90% of the time.. Shit out here on the job, or from bosses, and issues back home leave me very frustrated. And when it came time to finally get some, I just couldnt do it. I was worried about if i was gonna get called back out, or how long I would be home, just nitpicky shit. But my mind wasnt on the sex, especially if she had pissed me off while I was gone. But there was times I would be rarin to go, then all of a sudden, bam, limp. Not hard at all, whatsoever. So idk. Like I said, havent had that problem since I started with my finace over a year ago. But, all the same, I know where your comming from..
     
  3. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Stop being hard on yourself. If your woman has come you have NOT 'failed to perform'! You two most definitely had wonderful sex, and only your mental categorizations of it spoiled the mood. If your woman smiles, why are you not pleased? Ejaculation is not the point of sex, is it? Pleasure is the point of sex.

    The business about kissing first puzzles me. Does she not enjoy the taste of her own juices and so would reject your kiss if it didn't come first? I think you need to communicate in a straightforward fashion about this.
     
    #3 helgaleena, Oct 14, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2010
  4. RawDog

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Messages:
    4,475
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    66
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Grinding the backstop (in Colorado)
    Thanks for the empathy, I do appreciate it.

    There's the rub. I consciously know I'm being unjustly harsh on myself and that's what feeds the problem, thus making me even more displeased with myself. The spiral goes on and on.

    I guess that would be a different perspective. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Sorry for sounding cynical, but I think you really are onto something.

    I don't do 1 to 2 minute PIV. Sorry, but I don't like it one bit. Ejaculating isn't my main goal, the bond is. When my head isn't in the right place, neither is my other head.

    I may have miscommunicated that one. My fault. What I did was plop her down on the couch and unceremoniously go down on her, no pre-oral sex foreplay.
     
  5. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    I've always been an up-and-down guy, even when I was very young. Sometimes the erections come back, sometimes (especially after a break lasting more than five minutes) they don't.

    I've noticed that since I started edging (three hours is a quickie for me now), the actual ejaculation can be, well...anticlimactic: it ceased being an absolute requirement about four years ago. At the end of an especially extended encounter (six hours or more), cumming can be explosive but sure takes a lot of patience on both my part and that of my given sexual partner to get me over a plateau. My one experience with Levitra left me so desensitized that I gave up even trying; it was also the only time I can remember a sexual encounter when I never went down, even during breaks :tongue:

    Nearly all men experience this up-and-down thing. As Helga said above, focus on the pleasure instead of the anxiety-provoking mind games. You might also try and find a new, different erogenous zone (no, I'm not one of those gay men who suggest straight guys explore their asses: there are erogenous zones all over your body). Deep breathing also helps.
     
  6. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Very good input about 'edging'. One of my men does that, in a tantric context. We often, if we are able to lounge about together, have a short episode of stimulation, and as I am rather a hair-trigger sort of gal, he'll leave off again after I have come only once or twice and be back for more later.

    Such leisure is not very usual of course. But it is immaterial to him otw whether he has come or not. He'd rather not if it means no more fun, but I don't like getting sore from tons of pounding...what we do is pretty varied shall we say.
     
  7. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    One of my favorite things about edging is that all that time means much opportunities to experiment with new ideas and try lots of, ahem, variations. I play by a menu rather than a script and an extended encounter can involve lots of things that do not necessarily require penetration.

    BTW: I refer to that tantric quality as "riding the waves": it's sheer bliss.
     
  8. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,597
    Likes Received:
    886
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    You are 45.
    Its NOT psychological.

    Its physiological.

    As men age, the MAJORITY will experience greater difficulty getting it up, or keeping it up, regardless of how horny they feel.

    This has to do with changes in your vascular system, and/or your nervous system...and particularly with aging of the pathways that produce Nitrous Oxides in your blood... which are the signaling molecules for erections.

    Ever hurt your back? Get Sciatica? A ruptured or bulging disc can impinge on the nerves that affect erectile function.

    Got High blood pressure? take meds for it? Both HBP and the meds to alleviate it can cause problems.

    Try getting some Cialis. What is nice about cialis is that it restores the function of the Nitrous pathways to that way it worked when you were 25 or so...

    It doesn't give you a boner... but you will notice that,when you think sexual thoughts... when you touch a woman's body... the things that USED to get you stiff, suddenly get you just as stiff without your even thinking about it.


    I am not saying anxiety doesn't play a role... but the anxiety comes AFTER the decline in physiological function that is the real culprit.
     
  9. D_Barbi_Dahl

    D_Barbi_Dahl Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2010
    Messages:
    455
    Likes Received:
    4
    Love ya RawDog! I suspect you rock no matter what.
     
  10. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    I'm still seeing the sexual juggernaut myself . . .


    I agree that it's psychological. I think it's just a result of who you are. Not only are you rather obsessed with sex (in the nicest possible way :tongue:), but you are obsessed with making sure sex is amazing, preferably perfect, for your partner. Making her happy is your everything. So when you think you haven't done it right, and you think it hasn't been perfect for her . . .

    If you were some poster I didn't know, I'd probably say not to worry so much, and that sex doesn't always have to be perfect.

    But you aren't some poster I don't know. And the things I love most about you (probably the very same things MrsR loves about you), are the things that seem to be causing the problem. So I'm putting in a vote for 'don't ever change'. Sorry, I realised that's not very helpful, but I LOVE that you care so much about making it right for her, and that your enjoyment isn't complete without her enjoyment. It's something special.


    And even when you aren't intending to, you manage to make me squirm.
    If someone came in and did this to me, I would be instantly wet. The non-kissing part would just make it more exciting for me. This sort of thing makes it very difficult to give serious replies to your posts *frown* :smile:.


    Oh dear. You really should have kissed her first. From what you've said in the past, I'm guessing MrsR is like me. I don't smile until I'm coming down afterwards. At balls deep point my face should be screwed into some pretty funny shapes as I scream and scream . . .


    :frown1:


    Is it always for the same sort of reason?


    There are plenty. But is it really something you want to change? As I said above, I think it's one of the best things about you, that you care so much about making her feel good.


    If I suspect that I've not quite done things perfectly during sex, I do obsess about it - sometimes for a long time afterwards. Luckily, I don't have an erection to lose.
     
  11. RawDog

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Messages:
    4,475
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    66
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Grinding the backstop (in Colorado)
    Thank you very much for all the replies. Every single one of them has a bit of truth, some more than others.

    Before I reply (forgive the brevity, I am really late for work), an update. As I said on my first post, I always rebound from this. Mostly becuase I am obsessive, I go over the "failed" scenario over and over in my head and "worry" my way out of it. That doesn't really make sense, and I don't know how better to explain it, but the endless loop that plays in my head over and over again seems to release some chemical (adrenaline?) that ends up calming me *after* I'm done obsessing.

    Anyway, I get home last night and MrsR pounces on me this time, and viola, I'm back! We spent about 5 minutes on foreplay and about an hour rolling around on the bed, fucking like rabbits in heat. We decided to break for dinner and after we put away the dishes, decided to continue our mini-fuckfest for about another 45 minutes.

    Whych is why I overslept and am now late for work. Nut I thought ever one of you deserved a bit of a reply.

    To Bbucko and HelgaleenaL Your exchange about the breathing stuff gave me renewed interest in breathwork. I've done yoga and read books by Andrew Weil that I should re-visit about how to relax through breathing (4 seconds inhale, 7 seconds hold, 8 seconds exhale). Thank you for reminding me.

    Phil Ayesho, your bluntness and off the cuff diagnosis do have merits, don't change. I'm not all too convinced it's not physiological, but for now I know it's still between my ears I need to focus on. I did like your post though and appreciate the response.

    Red44... what can I say, Love 'ya too!! I'd be grinding your backstop in a hearbeat if I was in an open relationship and if I lived anywhere close to you and if your had 40% more gayness would really really want my wife to join in! As Eddie Murphy would say, "Hamana hamana hamana"

    Subgirrl, your post... godfuckingdammit, your post... I could quote back and say, "That's it! That's me!" on every single sentence. You've hit the nail on the head perfectly. Can't thank you enough for a wonderful post.

    Keep the ideas coming, all. I'm sure this "nag" in my head will rear it's ugly head again and I need methods and strategies to nip this in the bud, mentally.

    Anyone ever hear of the Sex God Method? I've skimmed through it several times, seems like another possible source.
     
  12. Incocknito

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2009
    Messages:
    2,567
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    La monde
    This isn't about a simple kiss. This is about you feeling disempowered/emasculated because your wife didn't cum on your (cock's) command.

    You said in another post that you smoke pot which won't be helping with your mental state and has possibly weakend it to the state it is in now. ie going limp because your wife didn't cum immediately upon penetration.

    The reason you were "up for it" when your wife took the intiative is because that made you feel desirable/empowered/masculine again.

    Focus on the journey and not the destination :p

    PS the only real excuse for losing an erection is being drunk
     
  13. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia

    :rolleyes:
     
  14. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    AW shucks, Rawdog. You are a wonderful addition to this place. Hope you got to work all right.
     
  15. closetbi

    closetbi New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2009
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NJ, USA
    Hey man, just don't think about it. And if she mentions she wants a kiss, it's not too late. Tease her with the kiss...make her think she's about to get it and hold out till she begs. No problema here.
     
  16. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    Glad to have offered any meaningful insights, RD. You're one of the good guys around here.

    And yeah: breathwork is absolutely essential, at least for me. Comparisons with yoga are most apt in this regard. Proper regulation of breathing helps keep you focused and definitely aids in allowing you to transcend the typical under-an-hour session which is usually centered entirely around the genitals.

    When I ride the waves, I experience hours of shuddering full-body orgasm, which, because of the delay or ejaculation, increase in intensity until they become nearly constant. Once in such a thrall, the goal is to continue, not end it.
     
  17. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    Glad I could help. And I'm happy to see all is good with MrsR again :smile:
     
  18. RawDog

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2005
    Messages:
    4,475
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    66
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Grinding the backstop (in Colorado)
    Just a quick update: This isn't a, "They happily lived ever after" type of update, just a work in progress.

    All is right in the world when my mind agrees with my body. The breathing exercises are helping a lot. We were doing standing doggy yesterday and at the 45 minute mark I could feel my body faltering... Took a few slow deep breaths, slow exhales, bang hard as a rock.

    Continued for another 15 minutes and then just called it quits from the exhaustion. 9,000 feet altitude can take a frigging toll.
     
  19. Gwarcock

    Gwarcock Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2009
    Messages:
    71
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    i had this problem just this wednesday morning...

    my girl left for a 2 week vacation out of the country and dont have an international phone so 0 contact for 13 days.

    Tuesday night she calls me up totally excited to see me, so i pick her up from the airport and take her home. after talking with her mom about the trip i help her up to her room (its now 230 am wednesday)

    me and her have dont nothing with each other before. havnt been dating that long. so next thing i know its gotten hot and heavy. i finger her to a orgasm (omg amazingly wet pussy) then so goes for my pants. no big deal. pull it out starts playing lightly and ... nothing... so she starts to blow me and nothing... now im already nervous cuz its our first time... but now im mentally freaking out. so i work myself up enough to be able to slide in. start getting to work and i get hard as a rock. start working her pretty good and them ... dead... its a miserable feeling... im not sure what to do about it... im afraid shes not going to want to go again. so now im more freaked out cuz i freaked out and now im freaked out i wont get hard next time too...

    i get exactly what your saying about her cumming. with my ex i would do some light petting dip my finger inside her pussy for a few minutes and then go in and for straight to the g spot and seconds later shes cumming hard... i do the same thing and nothing... when i worked her clit her leg shook like when your petting your dog. but the whole g spot doing nothing freaked me out...

    i dont know if it was that i hadnt slept for 24 hours, i had drank that night, that i was nervous, and now im thinking maybe cuz i couldnt make her cum like im use to... or worse i have ED...
     
  20. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Sleep and alcohol will do that certainly! And g-spot is not in the same location in different females. It's a highly individual attribute. Do not despair.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted