Eliminating one's desire for intimacy

sbat

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Hi Wally,

Sounds like you got a case of the fragile ego. I suggest you take a trip to the slums of a third world city of your choice. Mexico City maybe, or the favelas of Sao Paolo. If you have cash, try to make it out to Johanesburg or Cairo.
Seeing the lives that some of those folks lead on a daily basis will put some asshole laughing at the size of your cock in its relative place of importance.

Not into dodging kidnappers and carjackers? Do Big Brothers Big Sisters. Help teach a kid from the hood how to read and dramatically improve his or her chance of escaping the poverty cycle that has trapped most of his/her family for generations.

Open yourself to the bigness of the world, and you'll find that "losing social status" in the eyes of some jackass (and, let's face it, most people are a bundle of poor life decisions and self-loathing...what makes their estimation of you worth anything?) is like a raindrop on a duck's back.
 

minimag

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the only people who get a free pass are those with a bit of a defect...psychos and some people on the autistic spectrum.
A childhood of daily mental abuse is what did it for me. I can go for months without talking, years without friends, and an entire lifetime without any sort of emotional or physical bond to someone. Even as I get closer to 40, I still can't look someone in the eye without it creeping-me-the-hell-out.
 

minimag

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Try growing up as the youngest in a step-family with 6 kids (3-12 years older), an alcoholic father and his bitch wife. In EVERY situation it was always 6 against 1. Always the 5 other kids plus the bitch against me. Daily bullying by any or all of them really fucks with the mind of a pre-schooler.

Growing up in a family like that is one way killers are made...either "of themselves" or "of other people." I tried the former. Who knew it was possible to overdose an overdose? I sure didn't. :(
 
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HiddenLacey

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Try growing up as the youngest in a step-family with 6 kids (3-12 years older), an alcoholic father and his bitch wife. In EVERY situation it was always 6 against 1. Always the 5 other kids plus the bitch against me. Daily bullying by any or all of them really fucks with the mind of a pre-schooler.

Growing up in a family like that is one way killers are made...either "of themselves" or "of other people." I tried the former. Who knew it was possible to overdose an overdose? I sure didn't. :(

Thats very sad:frown1: I'm sorry you had to experience something like that.
 

petite

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Hi Wally,

Sounds like you got a case of the fragile ego. I suggest you take a trip to the slums of a third world city of your choice. Mexico City maybe, or the favelas of Sao Paolo. If you have cash, try to make it out to Johanesburg or Cairo.
Seeing the lives that some of those folks lead on a daily basis will put some asshole laughing at the size of your cock in its relative place of importance.

Not into dodging kidnappers and carjackers? Do Big Brothers Big Sisters. Help teach a kid from the hood how to read and dramatically improve his or her chance of escaping the poverty cycle that has trapped most of his/her family for generations.

Open yourself to the bigness of the world, and you'll find that "losing social status" in the eyes of some jackass (and, let's face it, most people are a bundle of poor life decisions and self-loathing...what makes their estimation of you worth anything?) is like a raindrop on a duck's back.

Thank you for putting such ego concerns into perspective. That was well said. :cool:

A childhood of daily mental abuse is what did it for me. I can go for months without talking, years without friends, and an entire lifetime without any sort of emotional or physical bond to someone. Even as I get closer to 40, I still can't look someone in the eye without it creeping-me-the-hell-out.

That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope that your life has improved and you've found some peace and happiness. *HUGS* :kiss:
 
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deleted15807

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Every-- I think every person-- you know, you can go out here on the streets of New York, and walk down the street, pick anybody out of the crowd, and they'll tell you a story that'll break your heart. Anybody. It- this happens to all of us. Every single person, somewhere in their life, is driven to a point of despair, where they just want to quit. And they don't quit.

And why don't they quit? I think they don't quit because there is a capacity for, a desire for reciprocated love that brings you back to life. It-- you know, there is no complete love when you love somebody. It has to be reciprocated. What you're after is this antiphony. This calling back and forth. "I love you." "I love you." "I love you." That's what-- the possibility of that brings you back to life.

- Barry Lopez
 

D_Gunther Snotpole

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When you're intimate with someone, this is from my experience, you lower your defenses and let someone be close to you. When you have this kind of closeness, the other person can see your weaknesses. Weaknesses that weren't so apparent before you two were intimate.
Absolutely, absolutely. That's the first condition of becoming intimate.
And why not? Far more about you is visible than you realize anyway. You can't hide.
And there's no place to hide.
Not for anyone.


Once your weaknesses have been revealed, you are in a bad position. What if after your intimate moment, your partner decides to blab about something you told him/her? Or about the details of your body? You will find your value radically decreased! Possibly, a person of high social value, could have their intimate secrets revealed and drop all the way down to a person of low social value or maybe even be declared defective.
Wally, if you spend your life avoiding people, you will certainly not have high social value. If anything, you will be considered an unfortunate case. Receiving the compassion of other people will be your highest possible attainment.
And you're worth more than that.
Everyone is.


Unless you are physically and mentally perfect with no skeletons in your closet at all, intimacy is a mistake. The danger is just too great.
Well, how many "physically and mentally perfect" peeps have you met?
Any?
I haven't.
And yet all kinds of people step into intimacy easily, without much fear, and with few bad repercussions.
Some of them are very demonstrably imperfect.
But they offer the only thing they can offer ... who they are.
And with a bit of luck and a lifetime of practice, they more often than not identify people who are good bets to make the sharing of intimacy mutually satisfying and life-affirming.
If someone does learn one's weaknesses and flaws and blabs to the world, that doesn't have to be a catastrophe.
It all depends on your reaction.
If you are devastated and become defensive, and obviously believe that your betrayer has passed on information that marked out serious deficiencies, then people will note that .... but it's not so much what was said as how you reacted.

For some reason, you are hypersensitive about all these possibilities, and it's paralyzing for you.
I really think you need to find someone to discuss all these things ... and probably a professional.
Life has riches that you refuse to allow yourself.
It would be sad if you found yourself near the fourth quarter of the Game of Life and found you had never really played.
And life is short, Wally.
Believe it.


or, if you've got the cash, would a regular massage work?
You know what ... I think a regular massage would be a great help.
But, like you say, it takes cash.
 

Enid

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Hot stone massages make you feel almost unbearably light and I mean that in a good way. True facts.

**gets distracted by stephenmass' avatar**
 
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D_Gunther Snotpole

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That quote from Barry Lopez that Sargon posted is beautiful.
I have one I like, somewhat in the same mold, from the poet Rainer Maria Rilke.
"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

And then there is the African concept of Ubuntu.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu explains it this way:
"One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu - the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality - Ubuntu - you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity."

 

Enid

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Love that Hhuck.

Einstein once referred to our sense of separateness being a kind of optical delusion of consciousness.

I like that.

Also wanted to say a lot of people operate based on fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of emotion, fear of intimacy et al. I can only speak from my own personal experience, once I let go of some of my own personal fears (fear of rejection for me, that was a big one) I felt so much happier and at peace. Nothing someone else can do or does do can really hurt you, I have come to understand that in a fundamental way. Also concepts like "separate" and "together" are not mutually exclusive.
 
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rob_just_rob

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Philosophy. Get your mind thinking about concepts and ideas, not people and events. The mundane stuff of relationships will seem less important. Meditate on your feelings, break them down and analyze them, and write down your conclusions.

With enough effort, the rational you can overcome the emotional you, to some extent, anyway.
 

D_Gunther Snotpole

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Love that Hhuck.

Einstein once referred to our sense of separateness being a kind of optical delusion of consciousness.

I like that.

That's Buddhism also.
The ego is only a coagulation of attention.
When attention is opened up, the sense of self ... the small sense of self we all carry around ... disappears.
Then a larger consciousness appears, one that some Buddhists call 'large mind.'
And the sense of self that accompanies large mind ... much more soft-edged and flexible and in the moment than our ordinary sense of self ... is sometimes called True Self.

Since the ego can be softened and all but removed, it is indeed a kind of optical illusion.

So Albert must have been intuitively on to sumpin.
 

minimag

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I hope that your life has improved and you've found some peace and happiness.
I actually DID find happiness. I even found "the one." Unfortunately, I also lost her. I made a vow to myself: never again. That was 15 years ago. No desire or inclination to go through that again.
 

D_Geffarde Phartsmeller

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I've recently realized that I have a desire to be intimate with people. Now by intimate I mean non-sexual physical and emotional intimacy. Stuff like cuddling and talking about personal things.

I don't like this desire. I don't like the idea of intimacy at all. Being that open to another human being is a recipe for disaster, IMO. It's something that should be avoided when possible.

So that brings me to my question, how do I get rid of this desire? How do I make myself not want to be intimate?


Electroshock therapy seems to cure ailments of the brain. Give it a shot.
 

petite

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I actually DID find happiness. I even found "the one." Unfortunately, I also lost her. I made a vow to myself: never again. That was 15 years ago. No desire or inclination to go through that again.

I hope you change your mind. Life is too short to only love once.
 

petite

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Thank you, Hhuck! Beautiful and thoughtful as usual. Thank you so much.

Einstein once referred to our sense of separateness being a kind of optical delusion of consciousness.

"optical delusion of consciousness" I like that.
 

B_spiker067

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I'm interested in intellectual intimacy, sexual intimacy, and emotional intimacy in that order.

To me emotional intimacy is mostly crap unless intellectual basis is set up first.

It's really tough to find a good woman.
 

goodwood

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WALLY -
sorry to hear of this conundrum you find yourself in.
your desire for physical and emotional intimacy (i believe)
is innate to human nature. i believe any person will crave
this until they day they die.
as others have shared, doing so has caused tremendous grief
and heartbreak. and this even after they have been cautious
and guarded with their hearts and souls. when the defenses are
lowered, so it seems is the boom to clobber them on the head.
i know very well.
to answer your question of how to rid yourself of this desire?
i honestly can't tell you.
other suggestions of being of service to other people or animals
and volunteer your time seem like an excellent idea. i have found that
when i have quit thinking of myself and what i want and need and just
go give attention to others that need it very much, it helps them first,
and makes me feel better. just imagine the pleasure you would feel if someone
was there nsa to meet a need in your life - a hug, a kind word, a listening ear,
a meal, some clothes, gas for the car, bills to be paid...
i think you would be grateful and appreciative. others in far worse situations than
yours would appreciate kindness from a compassionate soul.
i encourage you to consider checking into opportunities to serve that will take your
mind off of yourself.
honestly, i hope you don't find a way to eliminate your desire for closeness and intimacy with another person. you are meant to have it and enjoy it. now get to it. ; )