Eliminating one's desire for intimacy
- Thread starter wallyj84
- Start date
But I am into getting partners/friends from status. I would like nothing more than to be a man of high status and have my pick of female companions. Nothing in the world would make me happier.
But my status is not high, in fact it's quite low. Honestly, I probably belong in the defect pile.
What I want to do is figure out how to live the proper life of a low status/defective man. That's what this thread is all about, for me at least.
Implying that people who form bonds of emotional intimacy are defective?
That's not particularly nice.
Also, do you not care that the female companions from which you pick from are most likely to care more about your status than anything else or is that what you actually want?
I didn't say or imply that at all.
I dislike the idea of emotional intimacy. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I have never said that people who form those kinds of intimate bonds are wrong in any way.
That's life. No one likes you for who you are, they like you for what they can get out of you.
Right now I'm a low status male with very little to offer prospective partners. Because of this, it is hard for me to get a date. But, if I were to become a man of high status, I will have a lot more to offer women, so they will like me.
if you're already at the bottom of the pile then why not open up? find someone with maybe not perfect looks but a caring, giving nature.
from my point of view you've nothing to lose.
That's what I do. What I try to do, at least.
But to be honest it doesn't seem to work that well for me. For example, the last girl I dated wasn't pretty but I thought she was nice and I did my best to open up to her. She left as soon she found someone better than me.
I dislike the idea of emotional intimacy. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Somehow I doubt that what makes you so uncomfortable is an idea. It's a distorted perception:
That's life. No one likes you for who you are, they like you for what they can get out of you.
If "who you are" is lonely inside some mysterious black box of consciousness, and "what they can get out of you" is your reluctant interaction with the outside world, that's possibly so. OTOH if "who you are" is someone fully engaged in a network of relationships with friends, family, lovers, etc., then it's inseparably linked to "what they can get out of you" in terms of how you will impact their lives.
Right now I'm a low status male with very little to offer prospective partners. Because of this, it is hard for me to get a date. But, if I were to become a man of high status, I will have a lot more to offer women, so they will like me.
Can't tell from your profile, but this sounds like the lament of a 40ish guy who is at the bottom of the trough of U-shaped happiness.
Happiness is being young or old, but middle age is misery | Science | The Guardian
People in that age group are the most miserable of human beings. Life gets happier and happier as you worry less and less about your accomplishments vis-a-vis those of others. Hard to experience real intimacy while perceiving the world as a board game of power relationships. But that's what our society imposes on people in their 30s/40s especially.
Somehow I doubt that what makes you so uncomfortable is an idea. It's a distorted perception:
That's life. No one likes you for who you are, they like you for what they can get out of you.
If "who you are" is lonely inside some mysterious black box of consciousness, and "what they can get out of you" is your reluctant interaction with the outside world, that's possibly so. OTOH if "who you are" is someone fully engaged in a network of relationships with friends, family, lovers, etc., then it's inseparably linked to "what they can get out of you" in terms of how you will impact their lives.
Right now I'm a low status male with very little to offer prospective partners. Because of this, it is hard for me to get a date. But, if I were to become a man of high status, I will have a lot more to offer women, so they will like me.
Can't tell from your profile, but this sounds like the lament of a 40ish guy who is at the bottom of the trough of U-shaped happiness.
Happiness is being young or old, but middle age is misery | Science | The Guardian
People in that age group are the most miserable of human beings. Life gets happier and happier as you worry less and less about your accomplishments vis-a-vis those of others. Hard to experience real intimacy while perceiving the world as a board game of power relationships. But that's what our society imposes on people in their 30s/40s especially.
- sbat,
Wally,
It seems like your problem is that your ego is out of proportion with your self-perception - ie you seem to have fairly low self-esteem (you say that you are low status), yet you are afraid of "getting hurt" (ego preservation).
If being high status is really that important to you, then your mindset will always be a hindrance. You want to be high status? Man up, and quit hiding behind your fear. People see you as low status because you act low status - fearful, low self-esteem. They treat you the way you perceive yourself, and you perceive yourself the way they treat you, its a self-perpetuating cycle.
I bet you're the kind of person that gives up very easily after only a couple of setbacks, and uses that failure as an excuse not to try again.
How about just saying "Fuck it? It's not going to kill me to get rejected."
How about not being such a wimp. How about actually acting like a high status person?
It seems like your problem is that your ego is out of proportion with your self-perception - ie you seem to have fairly low self-esteem (you say that you are low status), yet you are afraid of "getting hurt" (ego preservation).
If being high status is really that important to you, then your mindset will always be a hindrance. You want to be high status? Man up, and quit hiding behind your fear. People see you as low status because you act low status - fearful, low self-esteem. They treat you the way you perceive yourself, and you perceive yourself the way they treat you, its a self-perpetuating cycle.
I bet you're the kind of person that gives up very easily after only a couple of setbacks, and uses that failure as an excuse not to try again.
How about just saying "Fuck it? It's not going to kill me to get rejected."
How about not being such a wimp. How about actually acting like a high status person?
I could agree with that. I do have low self-esteem.
It's not a mindset problem. People of high status have certain traits (money, big dick, etc) that make them high status. I have none of that. I could act like I was high status all I wanted, but that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't fit any of the prerequisites for being a high status man.
Oh come on, how many handsome millionaires get left for the pool boy?
Even if Mr. Millionaire is hung like me (read: super tiny) and the pool boy has a monster cock, most women will just sleep with the pool boy behind the millionaires back.
Now, I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but if we're being honest, we have to admit that a millionaire being left for the pool boy is extremely unlikely.
First I think that it is sad to some extent that you are avoiding intimacy. But, I can see his point--kinda. I have a roommate now (totally platonic) and I find it hard to live with her at times. I wonder if I will ever be able to live with someone I truly love forever. Human beings are a little overrated. You adults have so many hidden agendas it's ridiculous. Even finding gay friends With no hidden motives is hard at best.
Lets take married str8 couples for an example. You are married for 10, 15 years and your spouse wakes up one day and says I dont love you, I want a divorce (sound familiar to anyone?). Let's face it, love is somewhat of a crap shoot at best, gay or str8. So maybe you have intimacy issues. Don't know but I can see why you would be a bit hesitant to have your heart broken. I'm guessing it's been broken before. Hang in there. sometimes love finds u when u least expect it.
Lets take married str8 couples for an example. You are married for 10, 15 years and your spouse wakes up one day and says I dont love you, I want a divorce (sound familiar to anyone?). Let's face it, love is somewhat of a crap shoot at best, gay or str8. So maybe you have intimacy issues. Don't know but I can see why you would be a bit hesitant to have your heart broken. I'm guessing it's been broken before. Hang in there. sometimes love finds u when u least expect it.
- sbat,
The first pre-requisite for being high status is acting like you believe that you are high status. Like I said, self-perpetuating cycle for you. Think of all the people in history who had high status who had no business having it - the Carnegies, the first Vanderbilt and the first Rockafeller. They all possessed the high status mindset before actually obtaining high status.
All I'm saying is this - you have what you believe to be low status now. So what do you have to stand to lose by acting high status? You don't gain anything by being low status, but you do with high status. You've been acting low status, and you aren't happy with the result. So why not switch it up and act high status?
But, if you insist on holding on to that low status mindset because it's what you're comfortable with, so be it. It's your call. I'm reaching out because I've been there, but you'll only get as far as you let yourself.
rob_just_rob
Sexy Member
Nice speech, although it's not something he wants to hear. I've given the same speech a bunch of times, to no avail.
I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of it being something he's comfortable with. Either that, or he enjoys feeling sorry for himself and recieving sympathy for his 'plight'.
I don't know anything about the Rockafellers or Carnegies, so I can't really comment on whether or not they deserved their status or not. Personally, I've never met a high status person who didn't deserve. Every single one of them that I've seen has had at least one trait that made them totally deserving of their high status.
I feel I should ask, what exactly do you consider as acting like I have high status? I ask this because I wonder if we don't have slightly different definitions of what status is and what it implies.
I think that if I acted like I had high status, all that would happen is that I would hit on women out of my league and fail. Fail over and over again. Hell, I might even reject some low status women I am compatible with because I'm so busy lying to myself.
It's not because it's comfortable, it's because its true. I am low status. I don't see the benefit of lying to myself and pretending to be of high status when I clearly am not. I think people should recognize their place and not try to be things that they aren't.
But you know what? I've been doing a lot of things I normally don't do recently.
So, after having written all of that, sure I'll act like a high status male. I have no idea what that entails, but I'll do it.
Live your life so that you don't have any skeletons in your closet? You don't have to be perfect to not have skeletons in the closet. (Skeletons in the closet are big things, not the little things that keep even the best person from being perfect.....)
Wow! Where do you live where all of the high status persons deserve it? (Certainly not in the United States.....)
After reading this thread, I suppose I am unique in that I do not require intimacy or validation from relationships. I can enjoy it when it's there, but I'm happy to spend long periods of time without it, perhaps indefinitely. I believe this is a state I have gradually appreciated to over time. When I was young I think I was very concerned about having friends and making sure people liked me, but as I got older it became apparent that I was just not the popular type. At some point I decided to say "fuck it", and made it a point to focus on myself and my own enjoyment of life, rather than trying to impress others. I focused my time and energy on sports, work, school, etc. and only spent time with friends that enjoyed the same pastimes.
I've been this way for the past 10 years since high school, and I've had a happy and fulfilling life. I've had 2 girlfriends for about 2.5 years each, and I enjoyed my time spent with them. But the year inbetween when I was single and living on my own was probably the best time of my life. Nothing makes you feel more alive then absolute freedom. Over the course of my second relationship I've learned to focus more on what I can get out of it and to not let myself be manipulated. I'll enjoy snuggling, cuddling, etc, but I don't feel like I'm missing it when I spend a night alone. In fact I enjoy coming home late and stretching out on an empty bed, or possibly spending the night at a friend's house. And if I'm not getting sex, or I'm being disrespected, the relationship is useless to me. I won't put up with the bullshit that I see so many men tolerate.
People have called me a robot, asshole, weirdo, etc. Those who feel the need to point fingers and call names are the ones who deserve pity. My friends and family often give me a hard time because they think I am simply ridiculous, and at the same time they are complaining about the woes of their lives and relationships, and envying my satisfaction. It's sad more people can't accept the reality of human nature. Focus on yourself, focus on what will make you happy, then go out and get it. Live for the hard work and sacrifice, and you will learn to enjoy it more than the prize. "Anyone can fall in love with the results. But fall in love with the effort, and the results will come naturally".
So for the love of god stop worrying about what people might think of you. In your mind just tell them to fuck off. Stop investing your effort and thoughts in your "popularity" or perceived lack thereof. Become great at something. Learn to play an instrument, make a lot of money, climb Mt. Everest. Get out and do something instead of sitting around worrying what people think of you. I chose sports. We are physical beings and I believe we can derive great satisfaction by simply being strong, fast, and agile. It's given me a lot of confidence to know that I am physically superior to most people around me. Don't you have something that you love to do, or wish you did? You only live once so you might as well do it now.
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