Embarrassing question

[shanhox]

I have never been intimate with anyone. I was violently assaulted in my 20’s. Decades later I attended an online party and met a man . Later, to my horrified surprise. I thought of him and got warm swirls around my heart that went to my lower stomach when I thought of him.
At least 20 years later. I didn’t say anything. I thought we were clicking and becoming friends.
Than I’m sure he deliberately triggered me with with m memories of my rape. I was flashbacking and severe panic attack.
He knew what he had done. Then kicked me out of the party. I apologize the next day to people who went to the party. I took blame for all of it.
So, he told me never to return to the parties ever. No one asked if I was ok. He could of cared less. All he said was ‘you talked about me’ I don’t know what that means!
The other women who were nice when I first was there became mean to me. I wanted to be friends with them.
He and I started to email again at a later date. I gave him all sorts of presents that included a bracelet and a bdsm mask with zipper mouth.
He actually took the effort to email me with me writing first. Asked if I sent it to him and was so happy.
He also put that bracelet on as soon as he saw it.
That night on his birthday video, he made fun of me showing how to keep your gag reflex from working during a bj.
That was around the time I found he had a gf. I got. Angry. He was bitchy and denied it. The video was re edited.
Btw- that bracelet never showed up again. Had falling out. WI tried to stand up for myself and wrote very mean messages he never read.
Last night I freaked out( I have severe ptsd and I’m autistic) I have been asking to make peace with him.
I kept apologizing- saying I realized he thought I was shit. But I wanted a truce.
He made it clear he saw my message. He refused to answer it and deleted it.
I am enraged, humiliated,grieving and despise myself. Meanwhile he has the reputation of being the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate man ever or something.
No one else has been treated like I was. He Evan only people who make him money or women he gets laid . His best friend told him about the rape. His best friend was all like ‘you can tell me anything’ I can tell you have been abused.call me anytime. A female friend told me I was too unattractive to even be friends with him . Not to try to get a guy out of my league.
Why did he do this too me? I know I’m ugly. I have a profile photo on here that shows my ugliness.
Why was he so horrible to me and great to everyone else? He only targeted me- why was he mean and spiteful? He made fun of my rape.
How do I get over this I am anger personified. Ii wouldnt do anything to him . Besides, he wouldn’t give a shit. Why do I still want him? Why am I so fucked up?
Any advice or insights?

 

[EllieP]

You need more than advice. You need professional help, and I mean that sincerely and not as a dig.

As I read your story I kept waiting to read where you sought therapy. Did you ever?

We can only sympathize, and some of us can empathize. But no one on here can truly give you the help you need.

Find someone who can help you find the answers. And if that person can't, then keep searching to find someone who can.

I sincerely hope you get help and relief. Heaven knows you don't deserve the load you're carrying.

 

[shanhox]

You need more than advice. You need professional help, and I mean that sincerely and not as a dig.

As I read your story I kept waiting to read where you sought therapy. Did you ever?

We can only sympathize, and some of us can empathize. But no one on here can truly give you the help you need.

Find someone who can help you find the answers. And if that person can't, then keep searching to find someone who can.

I sincerely hope you get help and relief. Heaven knows you don't deserve the load you're carrying.

I do go to therapy. I have for years. 3 of my therapists were male. The one I had at a younger age kept trying to grope me.
My file now has something about sexual exploitation. There are orders that everyone from doctors to therapists to be female.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I do go to therapy. I have for years. 3 of my therapists were male. The one I had at a younger age kept trying to grope me.
My file now has something about sexual exploitation. There are orders that everyone from doctors to therapists to be female.

This answer is very vague. Redirecting. Doesn't fully acknowledge what Ellie said.

If you truly need help, anonymous online forums aren't the best place to find it.. You kinda got lucky here having more than one genuine reply to this heavy of a question.

I know how hard it can be to find medical professionals for various reasons. So I can relate. I have to say though, random strangers online aren't going to be able to provide what you sincerely need from what you've posted here. You may find nuggets of help here and there, but long term rehabilitation isn't likely to be found on anonymous online forums.

There are no easy answers. No fast fixes. Time is your worst enemy and best friend at the same time. Don't give up on you. When it comes down to it, YOU need YOU. Don't fixate on small things (way fucking easier said than done, I know). Value YOU.

That's my advice. Probably not helpful but I tried.

 

[EllieP]

I do go to therapy. I have for years. 3 of my therapists were male. The one I had at a younger age kept trying to grope me.
My file now has something about sexual exploitation. There are orders that everyone from doctors to therapists to be female.

Do you feel that any of these therapists have helped you move to a better place? Not every therapist has the right answer for every individual. I have fired two and am very happy with the third.

Your therapist cannot make the decision that you are progressing. They may observe that you are, but only you can determine that, If you don't feel that you are then find someone who can truly help you.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Do you feel that any of these therapists have helped you move to a better place? Not every therapist has the right answer for every individual. I have fired two and am very happy with the third.

Your therapist cannot make the decision that you are progressing. They may observe that you are, but only you can determine that, If you don't feel that you are then find someone who can truly help you.

Exactly.

Therapy isn't comfortable. But it's necessary.

When you break a bone you can't just ignore it. Mental health is just as important. It's not the same kind of medical issue, and it's not an exact science with all the answers in the immediate moment.

Physicians can be predators just like literally any other person you encounter in day to day life. Same with mental health professionals. That doesn't mean one should avoid seeking healthcare.

My trigger is "families" (for the sake of abiding TOS). Pregnant women. Every trip to public spaces is horrible inside my head. Going to the doctor for the issues I have. All my medical problems are around my reproductive system. I can't have kids, have had 3 different failed pregnancies in 3 different ways. When I go to the doc? They stick me in the room with all the images babies in utero. Every time I get examined for my issues, babies in the womb in my face. I close my eyes and count. It's like a knife in my eyes.

One of my coworkers is fully pregnant as fuck right now. I have to work with her everyday. It. Fucking. Kills. Me. Inside. I can't vent about it. I have to keep it to myself. Cry to myself. Because no one gets it.

Therapists have frustrated me. Pissed me off. Not worked out. I didn't give up. I won't. Because I'm worth it.. so are YOU @shanhox

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

And I apologize if my post comes off like I'm making the conversation about me. It's absolutely not. I'm just sharing my experience with therapy for perspective.

Life's an asshole, but it's worth having.

Love you as much as you can. That's from me to every eyeball reading my words. You fuck

 

[shanhox]

And I apologize if my post comes off like I'm making the conversation about me. It's absolutely not. I'm just sharing my experience with therapy for perspective.

Life's an asshole, but it's worth having.

Love you as much as you can. That's from me to every eyeball reading my words. You fuck

 

[shanhox]

You so didn’t - I am rooting for both of you. The therapist I have no seems to be pretty good. I am comfortable with her.
Seeing the sexually exploited note in my files freaked me out. I never had thought of those two words in connection to me but it is true. I never thought about it.
I also make myself go out everyday except if it is snowing or raining.
Walking and hiking also help anxiety and distract me from my problems.

 

[seventiesdemon]

Humans are born with individuality, we have the ability to overcome or succumb. We would not have evolved if we all succumbed to all the crap that came before us.

Some do, some don't.