Emotional Affair, have you had one?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Oct 7, 2007.

  1. Principessa

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    I find myself in a position in which I have never been in before and I am not comfortable with it. I found out Thursday that apparently I am the other woman in an emotional affair!
    :eek:

    I'm shocked because I thought he and I were just friends. He and I have spent 5 hours a day together for the last 6 weeks. In the last two weeks we started texting each other on weekends, when bored, or whatever. Usually we text/gossip about other people that we don't like. :tongue: There has never been anything sexual between us. Not a kiss, no hand holding, no cow eyed gazes, nothing of that nature. So I was incredibly shocked as was he when someone mentioned that we should keep it platonic and just be friends. I said of course and just laughed it off and went to get more cake. He stayed and protested rather strongly and loudly. This set off my radar that perhaps something was awry. Apparently others had been calling us the Bobsey Twins, Frick and Frack, etc. behind our backs for like the past month!:eek: I had no idea.:mad:

    Obviously he is married. I have even met his wife a few times. She and I actually have a shopping date planned for the end of the month. Now I wonder if she is thinking I am after her husband? I know she knows who I am, but I doubt she knows that he shares details of their intimate life with me. Yeah, I tried to discourage that initially; but he said he wanted another womans opinion. (Hmmm, was I being played?:confused::eek::redface:) Since I am not now, nor have I ever been down with OPP I feel I should confront him about this. Am I being silly?

    Have you or your partner/spouse ever had an emotional affair? If it was you, did you realize it was happening or was it pointed out to you by someone else?
     
  2. Not_Punny

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    Every affair I ever had was emotional... (Just kidding).

    Bummer, njqt.

    All my life most of my friends have been guys, and it almost always gets difficult. It's too bad because I've had/lost some really good friends because of this very thing. I guess that's why I like gay men -- no worries there.

    If I were you, I'd take the high road. Have your shopping trip, etc. But I'd probably also cut back a bit.
     
  3. Principessa

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    I should probably have explained that he and I have been in group therapy for depression and anxiety the past 6 weeks. Which is why I, as well as a few other people know some of the arguments and intimate details of his life with his wife.





     
  4. Principessa

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    I plan to cut back on our time together, which sucks cause he is the first person I have hit it off with since moving here. :frown1::mad:
     
  5. Mr. Snakey

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    Its natural in a setting like that to Buddy around with someone. Sheds a whole new light on everything. I wouldnt worry about his wife. She may thank you for helping her husband. :smile:
     
  6. Principessa

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    True, thats what I thought. However, I am the only one there other than his personal counselor that knows he is bi.
     
  7. Not_Punny

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    Aw, kisses, qt. Hugs to you. It's so hard to get out enough to meet more people.
     
  8. jason_els

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    Yeah... I wouldn't worry either. Don't do anything to cut back or make the situation into something it isn't until you talk to the wife and just lay it on the table when the opportunity permits. No doubt she is checking you out to see what you're like. Maybe you're a rival, maybe you're not. She's right to be interested, if not necessarily concerned. Once the wife understands where you're comnig from, what you two have, and what your intentions are, you'll either get a pass or not.

    I get the impression that most women dance around issues like this, prefering to speak in double entendre ranging from the wry to the catty. Before that happens, just let her know. The more honest and frank you are, the more you'll put her at ease and maybe it'll make for a great friendship. See this as an opportunity to welcome a friend by necessity into this relationship.
     
  9. Not_Punny

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    Jason, I completely agree with you. Problem is, the husband COULD be getting emotionally involved. That's the thing to keep in mind. I wouldn't cut back because of the wife (unless of course my own intentions were "impure" :wink:) but if the guy was starting to get too emotionally involved in me, then cutting back a little is the decent thing to do.
     
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    The truth? From the vibe I get from nj's first and second post, I don't see that as the case. I think she's his fag hag. Bi guys do have them (as I do). He can be who he is around her with no sexual tension because she is his secret keeper. He can... I don't have a word for it... be gay when he's with her. He can allow that part of his personality, which is otherwise kept closeted, to be expressed. He won't fuck it up by trying anything.

     
  11. Principessa

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    That's funny you mentioned this. From what I can glean I thought he married his faghag . . . :tongue:
     
  12. Principessa

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  13. yhtang

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    OH dear, njqt466, I am sorry to hear about your predicament.

    While we do not know each other, I have read many of your posts and I always find your views balanced and reasonable. It just does not seem fair that such complicated affairs befall such nice people.

    May all go well for you.
     
  14. Aitch

    Aitch New Member

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    I think I'd make a real effort to nuture a friendship with the guys wife as well. Who knows, you may hit it off with her too & hey presto, you have two new friends instead of just one!
     
  15. Principessa

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    That was my intent before I knew everyone was calling us the Bobsey Twins. Now I'm not so sure. I think I need to tread very carefully. Their marriage is in an extremely fragile and tenuous state right now, it can't take much more stress.:frown1:


     
  16. biguy2738

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    QT, this may end up being a long one, you know me once my fingers start hitting the keyboard (eek!).

    I've spent the day thinking about this one, so I'm going to raise a couple of points for you to consider:

    In my opinion, people can be very closed-minded at the best of times, in the sense that they see two close friends and they automatically jump to conclusions. Your friend's strong protests may come from place where his marriage is shaky and he's afraid that these accusations may reach his wife's ears and then things go awry or he is protesting in an attempt to reassure himself that his marriage isn't on as shaky a ground as it is. Though I do acknowledge that the way that you read into it could be another possibility.

    You know how I met a guy and how, without our looking for it, we ended up falling for each other...HARD. Did we cheat...even emotionally? I don't believe that we did. No boundaries were crossed and when we realised what our feelings were, we acknowledged them and "nipped things in the bud". In my opinion, cheating only takes place when there's a decision to relate with each other as lovers. So, my immediate reaction to what you had to say remains unchanged even though it's hours later, "Are you REALLY having an emotional affair?" Just because people are reading into it that way, it doesn't make it the truth. We as people have a tendency to take things at face value. There can be a thing like soul-to-soul friendships without it having an adverse affect on one's marriage.

    Perhaps your friend's wife is grateful for having you there as his friend and someone that he can confide in. If she's insecure about him leaving her for another man and she finds that you are there for him, then ultimately it lessens the threat because of the time and attention that is being paid on you. Perhaps they've even discussed it.

    I mean, look at me. I am partly an emotional bisexual and I have craved for a deep, loving friendship with another man. As you know, I've only come to realise just how bi I really am and how I'm capable of loving another man...and ultimately acknowledging that I can find fulfillment in having sexual relations with him. This all took place about three months ago and my wife knows about everything for the last month and half or so. She knows about my emotional longings, how it comes with the risk of falling for him and how I am unable to offer her any guarantees that I will never "slip up". Yet she supports my needs and encourages me to get out there and "meet Mr. Right".

    He may be turning to you to fulfill those longings so that his wife feels less threatened or because it's difficult to reach that place of having a very deep friendship with another man. There's all of the misconception, discrimination and also, I've found that quite a few gay or bi men are only in search of no strings attached sex.

    Ultimately, the responsibility of his marriage rests solely on his shoulders. You have treated it with the dignity and respect that it deserves, but he's the only one that ought to decide what's best for it. So though, I'd encourage you to raise your concerns with him...a good starter could be, "Can you believe what those people had to say?", to see what his response is from that, to then disclose your concerns.

    There are a lot of grey areas with this one but nothing that open and honest communication cannot fix.

    I've just recently (as in two weeks ago) met who I believe to be my "Mr. Right". There have been too many things that make it seem as if my feeling is correct: My Mom was in ICU for about five weeks and his Mom has been in ICU for a month (up till Friday). My father passed away on Monday and his Mom passed away on Friday evening. Needless to say that we're sharing a very deep, personal and intimate walk. I find myself sitting and acknowledging that I love him with all of my heart as a result of our sharing, supporting each other and yes, even praying together. Am I in love with him? Hell no! Point is on the outside people may read into our relationship as being an emotional affair or even one that's sexual as well. But when one scratches beneath the surface, one is able to see that there are things that I believe are sacred enough to only remain between husband and wife (and it need not only be sexual) and this is a dimension that will always stay out of our relationship. Though I love him as much as I do, I do not love my wife any less, on the contrary, I love her even more because she knows about the depth of my love, the closeness of our walk and her only concern has been that I wind up getting hurt again (based on how things panned out with the other guy). There certainly is a
    soul-to-soul connection however, if there were anyway to give our friendship a label, I would say that it's one of being "soul brothers" because I see him as a brother, I certainly love him as if he were my own flesh and blood.

    I'm sharing this with the hope that you may be reminded that relationships come in varying depths and forms, but ultimately it's only up to the two of you to decide and live out what you would like it to be. And it's his responsibility to ensure that he doesn't cross any boundaries or compromise the marriage in any way. You have done your share by treating it with the respect that it deserves.
     
  17. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I'm in college, and I have to say that I've had many emotional affairs, with girls as well as guys. I think that's the basis of friendship. But sometimes it takes a while to find out what each relationship is about. It's not always clear at the beginning what form they might take, and where they're going. And sometimes these relationships create hurt. That's the chance we take when we love and care about other peeps.
     
  18. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I have had an emotional affair. I had been in a serious relationship with a guy for about 3 years when I realized that I was in love with my best male friend. That was tough. I think it ultimately resulted in the end of my relationship with my guy. It dawned on me that I felt so much stronger for my friend than I did for the guy I was involved with, and that wasn't healthy. My friend and I never ended up dating, but I ended the relationship with my guy because I realized that I didn't really love him anymore... I cared about him as a person, and I didn't feel that he deserved to be with someone who didn't love him as much as he needed/wanted to be loved. I've also been the "other woman" in an emotional affair, and that's tough as hell - especially when I had the same feelings for him as he did for me. We ended up completely cutting off our friendship and our communication because we couldn't handle it anymore, and I would've felt like shit if his marriage to his wife ended because of me.
     
  19. SpoiledPrincess

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    If this was a woman you were friends with nj and sharing the same things would you even question it? A friendship is just a friendship, it has an emotional aspect, you share things with friends. Don't your women friends tell you things about their husbands? I'd disregard the gossips, some people find it hard to believe that a man and a woman can be just friends and have nasty minds.
     
  20. Principessa

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