QT, this may end up being a long one, you know me once my fingers start hitting the keyboard (eek!). That's why I love you and respect your opinions. :smile:
I've spent the day thinking about this one, so I'm going to raise a couple of points for you to consider:
In my opinion, people can be very closed-minded at the best of times, in the sense that they see two close friends and they automatically jump to conclusions. True, given the source of the warning I initially thought she may have been perturbed not just because he is married but because he is white and I'm black. This is afterall the rural south. Your friend's strong protests may come from place where his marriage is shaky and he's afraid that these accusations may reach his wife's ears and then things go awry or he is protesting in an attempt to reassure himself that his marriage isn't on as shaky a ground as it is. Though I do acknowledge that the way that you read into it could be another possibility. Well I have to admit he protested so vehemently at the time I thought, "well damn, I'm not that bad looking." :tongue:
You know how I met a guy and how, without our looking for it, we ended up falling for each other...HARD. Yes, I remember. Did we cheat...even emotionally? I don't believe that we did. No boundaries were crossed and when we realised what our feelings were, we acknowledged them and "nipped things in the bud". In my opinion, cheating only takes place when there's a decision to relate with each other as lovers. That has definetely not occurred. So, my immediate reaction to what you had to say remains unchanged even though it's hours later, "Are you REALLY having an emotional affair?" Just because people are reading into it that way, it doesn't make it the truth. We as people have a tendency to take things at face value. There can be a thing like soul-to-soul friendships without it having an adverse affect on one's marriage. I'm not familiar with the term soul-to-soul friendship; but I think that may be closer to what he and I share. I was actually kinda surprised when he said I was his best friend. Then I thought about it and realized that he's right. We have become quite close and I do tell him things that I don't tell my girlfriends but they aren't usually of a sexual nature. We tend to compare notes on our whacked out childhoods, past abusive relationships, crazy familys, the forms and symptoms our depression and anxiety take.
Perhaps your friend's wife is grateful for having you there as his friend and someone that he can confide in. If she's insecure about him leaving her for another man and she finds that you are there for him, then ultimately it lessens the threat because of the time and attention that is being paid on you. That's a good point, I hadn't considered. Perhaps they've even discussed it.
I mean, look at me. I am partly an emotional bisexual and I have craved for a deep, loving friendship with another man. As you know, I've only come to realise just how bi I really am and how I'm capable of loving another man...and ultimately acknowledging that I can find fulfillment in having sexual relations with him. This all took place about three months ago and my wife knows about everything for the last month and half or so. She knows about my emotional longings, how it comes with the risk of falling for him and how I am unable to offer her any guarantees that I will never "slip up". Yet she supports my needs and encourages me to get out there and "meet Mr. Right". Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. I wish there were more men and women like her in the world instead of all this hate, fear and intolerance.
He may be turning to you to fulfill those longings so that his wife feels less threatened or because it's difficult to reach that place of having a very deep friendship with another man. Even if he felt the need for a man in his life right now, I think he'd be hard pressed to find a nice bi-guy in rural Georgia. There's all of the misconception, discrimination and also, I've found that quite a few gay or bi men are only in search of no strings attached sex. LOL Are you kidding, that's straight men too! :biggrin1: If he wants nsa/sex he's gonna have to get a boyfriend. :tongue:
Ultimately, the responsibility of his marriage rests solely on his shoulders. You have treated it with the dignity and respect that it deserves, but he's the only one that ought to decide what's best for it. So though, I'd encourage you to raise your concerns with him...a good starter could be, "Can you believe what those people had to say?", to see what his response is from that, to then disclose your concerns. OMG! Great minds really do think alike. I was mulling this over and had decided to say almost exactly what you just wrote.:smile:
There are a lot of grey areas with this one but nothing that open and honest communication cannot fix. True! I am a big fan of honesty. I have on occassion been accused of being brutally honesty.:redface:
I've just recently (as in two weeks ago) met who I believe to be my "Mr. Right". That's GREAT! I am so happy for you. There have been too many things that make it seem as if my feeling is correct: My Mom was in ICU for about five weeks and his Mom has been in ICU for a month (up till Friday). My father passed away on Monday and his Mom passed away on Friday evening.
I am so sorry for your loss. :frown1: Needless to say that we're sharing a very deep, personal and intimate walk. I find myself sitting and acknowledging that I love him with all of my heart as a result of our sharing, supporting each other and yes, even praying together. Am I in love with him? Hell no! Point is on the outside people may read into our relationship as being an emotional affair or even one that's sexual as well. But when one scratches beneath the surface, one is able to see that there are things that I believe are sacred enough to only remain between husband and wife (and it need not only be sexual) and this is a dimension that will always stay out of our relationship. Though I love him as much as I do, I do not love my wife any less, on the contrary, I love her even more because she knows about the depth of my love, the closeness of our walk and her only concern has been that I wind up getting hurt again (based on how things panned out with the other guy). There certainly is a soul-to-soul connection however, if there were anyway to give our friendship a label, I would say that it's one of being "soul brothers" because I see him as a brother, I certainly love him as if he were my own flesh and blood.
I'm sharing this with the hope that you may be reminded that relationships come in varying depths and forms, but ultimately it's only up to the two of you to decide and live out what you would like it to be. And it's his responsibility to ensure that he doesn't cross any boundaries or compromise the marriage in any way. You have done your share by treating it with the respect that it deserves.
Thank you so much for sharing such intimate and painful life events with me here biguy2738. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out when you clearly have so much other stuff that needs tending.