Emotional Affair

AlteredEgo

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Again thank you for the advise,as for being jealous,i am not.I think hurt is the
word.And as far as the role being reversed,I would not do that to her ,well just could not.
And our marriage was great, she and I never argue,all these years still holding hands and opening doors for her.Me leaving for a while is me giving her time to see what she wants to do,trust me when i say this is torture.I will go back on Friday to see what she thinks and feels.I do not know how long it has been going on,and do not think I want to know.I would just love to gets things back to normal if we can.
Thank you again
I have had an emotional affair. My husband is aware of the friendship, but not of the extent of the feelings that we both have each for the other. We played a video game online together, and eventually began chatting about the world around us, and our lives away from the game. It began very innocently. We are both married. He's been married longer than I have been alive. His daughter and I could have been friends if life was different. In fact, I chose her Christmas gifts, and was asked to do so because we have similar interests, and her father felt he didn't know enough to buy something truly useful to her. He and I quite accidentally, and very quickly became really close, connecting intellectually and spiritually in a way that I've never felt with anyone else. Eventually, it did get to a point where we both knew it was inappropriate. We have talked about it, and the conclusion we came to was that these feelings might wear off when our friendship becomes less novel, and since we will never meet in person or leave our spouses, no real harm can be done.

It's been a year, and these feelings have been muted, but are not really gone. I still don't intend to act on the mutual attraction in any physical way, and I do not steal time from my husband and give it to my friendship. So, I have not broken off the friendship, though I sometimes have wondered if I should.

This is a symptom of a much bigger problem, and there is one specific aspect of my marriage with which I have never been satisfied. My husband is kind and generous, considerate, and chivalrous. He sets his alarm ten minutes ahead, just to have time to cuddle with me for ten minutes every morning before work. He rushes home to be with me after work, and is very helpful to me around the house, especially if something needs to get fixed. However, getting sex from him is like getting blood from a stone. Practically impossible. It's like being married to my occasionally inappropriate brother. Every once in a while, I'll think things are getting better, and we'll have sex a few times. Then he becomes sexually withdrawn again. Each time this happens, I myself become harder to engage sexually, because frankly, I'm tired of the rejection. I go through phases where I'd rather have sex with pretty much anyone other than my husband, not that I'm inclined, mind you. I think if this other guy didn't live so far away from here, or anywhere I'm likely to ever live, I'd have had to break it off. I feel pretty sure that he'd never cheat on his wife, and that I'd never cheat on my husband, but I wouldn't gamble. As it stands, neither of us is checking the price of airfare.

Recently, my husband and I have talked about seeing a sex therapist. We'll see what happens. I really do want to get this resolved, and this is a problem we've had since before we got married. I just thought it would get better, and it has, but not better enough.

Your wife's emotional affair is a symptom of a problem within your relationship, and you do not see it for some reason. Who cares that my husband cuddles me, holds my hand in public, opens doors and pulls out chairs? I like those things but I'm still not satisfied. My marriage still isn't whole, and yours hasn't been either. Something or other is missing from your marriage as far as she is concerned. You're here talking to us. Have you tried asking her?
 

EmJay

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usually when a girl is drifting in a relationship, the guy feels the need to give them a lot of attention, which is the wrong thing to do, because women like to have a chase ... be firm with her and tell her look, its me or him, if she gives you a wishy washy thing like "i need space" or "i dont know what i want", put on a poker face as if you are not too upset and leave, (or kick her out if you own the place, you get what im saying) now of course you dont fully leave, but you have to make it look like that you wont tolerate bs like this, b/c if you allow this behavior and support it (trying to treat her extra nice for her straying, buying flowers to try and win her over etc.) then she will just walk all over you, put your foot down and squash it before you get really really hurt

because if you walk out its a win win, if she really loves you (28 yrs put in would suggest that she does) then she will come crawling back in no time, if she runs off with her "friend" then it was bound to happen anyway and it proves that she wasnt a good women anyway

trust biz markie when it comes to situations like this man, and good luck

:eek:... you still have so much to learn about relationships..so much..
 
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deleted59763

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Hi all,
Well,me, myself ended it.The thoughts of her confining in someone else was just to much for me.To me when a person puts their all in a relationship for as long as she and I have and then her wanting someone else,well she can have that person.I believe true love only comes around once for some people,and i am one of those people.I also believe ,once a cheater always one.Might be the old school in me but thats how I feel.
She is not happy with my decision and she wanted us to work it out,I do not want to be with her and start having doubts or her thinking what if.I want to get rid of all this hurt and the sooner I start the the better.I love her still and hope to always be her friend.And for some who might think I am to hard on her and should give her a chance,well I hurt way to much to ever wish this pain on anyone,and I never want to feel it again.For those that are in my shoes you know what I am talking about and for those that are having an emotional affair,just because there is no sex and you think you are not hurting your partner,it will be way worse than what you think.
 

helgaleena

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I think you did right if you truly believe she ought not to have outside friendships. Personally I would never want to be married to someone like you. I made that mistake once, committing without forethought to a jealous person who could not understand that friendship is for all, regardless of size, shape, color, or gender.

He had the nerve to accuse me of 'encouraging' him to have female friends which to him meant cheating! He also hated gays and would not befriend them, spoke evil about my gay friends of both sexes. I am not saying this is how you are, dans, but I wish I had just stayed 'friends' with my ex and not married him, in retrospect.
 

ConstantComment

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Hi all,
Well,me, myself ended it.The thoughts of her confining in someone else was just to much for me.To me when a person puts their all in a relationship for as long as she and I have and then her wanting someone else,well she can have that person.I believe true love only comes around once for some people,and i am one of those people.I also believe ,once a cheater always one.Might be the old school in me but thats how I feel.
She is not happy with my decision and she wanted us to work it out,I do not want to be with her and start having doubts or her thinking what if.I want to get rid of all this hurt and the sooner I start the the better.I love her still and hope to always be her friend.And for some who might think I am to hard on her and should give her a chance,well I hurt way to much to ever wish this pain on anyone,and I never want to feel it again.For those that are in my shoes you know what I am talking about and for those that are having an emotional affair,just because there is no sex and you think you are not hurting your partner,it will be way worse than what you think.

How did you find out about it? The problem I have with emotional affairs is that usually the other party likes to flaunt the fact that they have secrets that the married partner doesn't know about. If the other partner in the emotional affair is part of the same social circle, well, you can imagine the smug behaviors encountered at dinner parites, bbqs, or anything else.
 
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deleted59763

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Well I found out because she told me ,and there was kissing involved but she said no sex at all,so see it is not because she had a male as a friend.It was because she let it go to something more,and he is also married.I am in no means a controlling person,nor do I ever want to be.I am not jealous,I have never been,but if i would of took her back I might of turned that way,and that is not the kind of life I would like to have.As far as another love besides this one, yes when i was 15 until I was 18,she and her mother died in a car wreck,and thats all I have to say of that.But from then till present it has been me and the wife.As far as the future goes for now i want to be by myself till I heal.After that time will tell.
 

B_Bjen2848

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i feel the same way with the "one and done" policy when it comes to cheaters, i feel you just caught on to her early enough before sex was involved with the other guy, keep us updated on how it all turns out .. do you plan on divorce? seperation? taking a break and maybe coming back later?
 

ConstantComment

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Well I found out because she told me ,and there was kissing involved but she said no sex at all,so see it is not because she had a male as a friend.It was because she let it go to something more,and he is also married.I am in no means a controlling person,nor do I ever want to be.I am not jealous,I have never been,but if i would of took her back I might of turned that way,and that is not the kind of life I would like to have.As far as another love besides this one, yes when i was 15 until I was 18,she and her mother died in a car wreck,and thats all I have to say of that.But from then till present it has been me and the wife.As far as the future goes for now i want to be by myself till I heal.After that time will tell.

You don't have to apologise. I agree with your decision.
 
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deleted59763

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Found out about the kissing when I came back last Friday.I would still stick with emotional affair for now,rather than sexual which sexual to me would be more of a physical,but I agree that kissing is physical.As far as a divorce,yes that is what will happen.I always had the thought of growing old together,you know when seeing these two old people walking down the street and saying ,I hope we end up like that.A whole life story between the two of us.But that dream is shattered.Well if everything happens for a reason I sure cant wait to see what this one is.
 

lpsgnoob

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It's not nice to shame people out and call them "jealous" just because they have different set of standards and boundaries. That is the same as calling the person that have multiple friendships out opposite sex a slut, whore, skanky, trash etc. We all have different opinions on what's wrong and what's right.

By the way, what's the point of going and telling someone outside your marriage about your problems. What is he/she a marriage mechanic that can fix ya marriage? Only person you talk to is your spouse and that's it.


Dan man, sorry that happened to you. You should be the one making the decision your self. Remember after all it's your life. Do what's best for you and for your health.

Good luck. :smile:
 

vanir23

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Hi all,
Well,me, myself ended it.The thoughts of her confining in someone else was just to much for me.To me when a person puts their all in a relationship for as long as she and I have and then her wanting someone else,well she can have that person.I believe true love only comes around once for some people,and i am one of those people.I also believe ,once a cheater always one.Might be the old school in me but thats how I feel.
She is not happy with my decision and she wanted us to work it out,I do not want to be with her and start having doubts or her thinking what if.I want to get rid of all this hurt and the sooner I start the the better.I love her still and hope to always be her friend.And for some who might think I am to hard on her and should give her a chance,well I hurt way to much to ever wish this pain on anyone,and I never want to feel it again.For those that are in my shoes you know what I am talking about and for those that are having an emotional affair,just because there is no sex and you think you are not hurting your partner,it will be way worse than what you think.

Brother, just a friendly piece of advice from when I was younger. DO NOT try to be her friend. She is not your friend and you are not hers. Make no mistake, until you've found happiness for yourself again, "friendship" with her will only bring pain. God bless.
 

EmJay

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A relationship is either still too good to leave or too bad to stay..

if you feel that one of your most sacred boundaries has been crossed and it has utterly diminished your sense of safety within the relationship, than my guess is you should leave..because than you will probably be happier for it in the end. Even if that means that there is a chance that you might not ever find again what has been good about your 28year old marriage with someone else..

The only thing that i am saying is this..you are upset, you are hurt and feel utterly betrayed. But maybe it is best to take time off from each other..say atleast 8 weeks or 3 months of no contact...

And after that time decide if you still feel the same way..
If you do..go ahead and start your divorce proceedings..
but if you feel that there is still too much that is good..

... get yourself a counselor and get to the core of what has been happening between the two of you..

I suggest you read: Make up, Dont Break up from Dr Bonnie Eaker.

when its over..its over. Cant change anything anymore once that happens..
But seeing that everything happened very swiftly..from being aware of the affair and you ending it..I would say or ask you to make sure that that decision is not just an emotional one..

But its your life, they are your feelings and you need to be and feel at ease with the choices you make for yourself..

I wish you all the wisdom..
 
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helgaleena

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It's not nice to shame people out and call them "jealous" just because they have different set of standards and boundaries. That is the same as calling the person that have multiple friendships out opposite sex a slut, whore, skanky, trash etc. We all have different opinions on what's wrong and what's right.

By the way, what's the point of going and telling someone outside your marriage about your problems. What is he/she a marriage mechanic that can fix ya marriage? Only person you talk to is your spouse and that's it.


Dan man, sorry that happened to you. You should be the one making the decision your self. Remember after all it's your life. Do what's best for you and for your health.

Good luck. :smile:

I think I did over-react a bit due to my own past when using the word 'jealous', noob, but I also did not know that she was kissing a married man! That would definitely be physical not emotional, and definitely crosses a big line for me as well.

The OP was reluctant to put into words what was actually going on and skirted around the hurtful truth as much as he could, but I agree, he is best letting her go now. She has done things to the marriage which would be fixable for some, but not for one who feels it deep and close, the way he does.

I will just bet she is kicking herself hard. Her 'friend' is unlikely to leave his wife for her.