Emotional stress with pregnant wife ...

PatriotSam

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There's tons of stuff online supporting women in pregnancy but very little about helping the father deal with the stresses of of pregnancy.

My wife and I are having our first child and we've had nothing but fights for the last 4 months. There has been no emotional pleasure or love in our relationship whatsoever.

Beyond the pregnancy there have been some extreme causes of stress for us both, but she's so aggressive and demanding that I feel like an emotional punching bag. I want to just throw my arms up and start ignoring her.

I want to get angry and tell her that she's wrong to constantly berate me and be so critical of everything I do/don't do. But at the same time, I want to be supportive and try to make her life as comfortable as possible while she's growing our baby inside her.

What's the right course of action?

How do I give her what she needs without throwing myself upon a sacrificial altar?

How to I refill my emotional fuel tanks?

Any advice/experience would be helpful.
 

nudeyorker

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Well first of all mazal tov! What should be one of the most exciting times of your life can be the most stressful too and will continue for the rest of your lives one way or another.
One of the things you really should consider is your wife is having extreme hormonal fluctuations and put yourself in her place and contemplate your upcoming episiotomy and consider how you might be feeling.
The best advice I can honestly give you is to go together to the next OB/GYN appointment so that you understand all of the things that are happening physically and emotionally to your wife. This time is not about you it's about your wife and child but maybe talking about your feelings will help to remind you both about the love you feel for each other and the love you will have as a family.
 

b.c.

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I'm no psychologist or anything like that. Just a guy who's been there (with an expectant wife)... done that? Not quite, (our experience wasn't like you've described above).

So I'm thinking maybe things that bring about greater anxiety (expecting, financial woes, etc.) only exacerbate what may be underlying issues all along, meaning the pregnancy and your wife's current emotional state perhaps may have only heightened pre-existing issues. And if you think it's stressful now, wait until the child comes, along with all the responsibilities that brings. Heaven forbid should the child be the indirect recipient of any continuing conflicts or animosities.

Maybe the two of you should talk about what is at the heart of all the conflict and probably with a counselor involved. (Unless I'm mistaken, I think some medical facilities and organizations provide or offer that, as well as prenatal care/advice).

Anyway, my two cents. Good luck.
 
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Hoss

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Congratulations on the upcoming child.

For a few months for the sake of the health of that baby inside her, you find a way to hold your tongue. She is in the middle of major changes. Her body is changing big time, she has hormones going wild, and she might be scared as well. Yes you have things going on but you aren't holding the life of a future inside you and worried that a fall or anything else could lead to ending that being or make it come along too early. Cut her some slack. Find a few friends, other dads would be the best, and let them know how you are. You don't have to get into scream sessions with the wife, which from what you say seems to only make you both miserable.
I wish you the both the best in this.
 

PatriotSam

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Thanks for the outside perspective. My vision was just clouded by frustration.

The big issue has been our time apart since the pregnancy started. We're both traveling the world on different schedules for our jobs and have only seen each other for about 3 weeks out of the last 4 months.

She's literally been walking through her pregnancy alone and it kills me not to be there for her.

But even if I stop traveling, she's still going. I'm in China through the end of the month and when I finally get home, she will have already left on a 3 week tour of California, Oregon and Washington state.

The last time I saw her was 2 weeks ago (in Hong Kong) and I won't see her for another 5! Then we're together for just 2 weeks before she's off again to spend the holidays in Bangladesh!

Thankfully her Mom came to stay with her for a few weeks just help out. Super grateful for that and it takes a load off my mind.

I spoke with my wife this morning and not only did she take my call, but she didn't rush me off the phone or hang up on me ... we even joked around a little! I could really hear the lack of stress in her voice with her Mom being there.
 
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vince

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Be calm and be strong. I don't think trying to work it out over the phone is a good idea. At some point you both will have to cut back on the work/travel routine. With a baby it's just going to be impossible to carry on that way, so you will both need to change up your careers to accommodate the new reality. The sooner the better by the sound of it.
 

danimal32

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It sounds like your jobs are the cause of the two of you not seeing each other and it most likely can't be changed. If you are unable to talk to each other, try and speak to someone who you can confide in. Even though you are apart, be sure and take some time for yourself.
 

b.c.

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Thanks for the outside perspective. My vision was just clouded by frustration.

The big issue has been our time apart since the pregnancy started. We're both traveling the world on different schedules for our jobs and have only seen each other for about 3 weeks out of the last 4 months.

She's literally been walking through her pregnancy alone and it kills me not to be there for her.

But even if I stop traveling, she's still going. I'm in China through the end of the month and when I finally get home, she will have already left on a 3 week tour of California, Oregon and Washington state.

The last time I saw her was 2 weeks ago (in Hong Kong) and I won't see her for another 5! Then we're together for just 2 weeks before she's off again to spend the holidays in Bangladesh!

Thankfully her Mom came to stay with her for a few weeks just help out. Super grateful for that and it takes a load off my mind.

I spoke with my wife this morning and not only did she take my call, but she didn't rush me off the phone or hang up on me ... we even joked around a little! I could really hear the lack of stress in her voice with her Mom being there.

Well there ya go. You know what the problem is/was. Best of luck in sorting it out.
 

redz_rule

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I am glad things are improving and that she has support. I think Nudeyorker's idea of attending her antenatal appointments is a good one, having a knowledgeable third party explain the immense changes her body and mind are undergoing in a short space of time as a result of the pregnancy itself.

In all likelihood, this isn't your wife making a conscious decision to be bitchy because of external factors (although of course these can contribute), or because she thinks she has an 'excuse'. There are actual physical changes taking place that can influence behaviour, sometimes in very extreme ways.

Would you get angry with someone who suffered from dementia for being forgetful? Or an adolescent for being moody? No, because they are being influenced by factors outside of their control - physical changes impacting upon behaviour.

For all that, as a couple, you are sharing the pregnancy, it is by no means shared equally and that means you are going to have to sometimes bite your tongue and show some empathy for the sake of the baby, if not for your wife. There are numerous studies that show maternal stress in early pregnancy can have lasting detrimental effects on baby. You guys may have to think about re-prioritising so that the health of all three of you comes first. Good luck and remember - it won't be like this forever. You also have sleep deprivation to look forward to ;)
 

catman

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Wow, I can't imagine being the first child and not having the man you love at your side- protecting and comforting you. No wonder, plus all the fears of what if she has a problem in a foreign country with OUT you at her side to protect and comfort her? I assume she is seeing a/her doctor while on the road? how is that done? (regular check ups being a great tool).

I agree about being there (if you can) for all her check ups so you can better understand (and if nothing else just to hold her hand).

When my wife was expecting (trying having twins as your first) just the simplest acts can help, rubbing her feet (!!!), belly, a cup of tea, making (whatever it is she craves (we went thru a week of chocolate tapioca) also be aware there is the flipside- smells/odors/etc that will suddenly drive her nuts (in our case sage and cinnamon made her queasy).

Her mom being there will be a huge help. Talk to OTHER fathers. Do you go to a gym on the road? (use a punching bag sometimes for stress).
If there is a sauna, that tends to lower barriers- ask other men what they have experienced- you might be surprised. When my wife was due there was one point I was going crazy...happened on a friend of a friend who had twins- he was a real life line...

if nothing else you have the men on here if you need us.