- Cale,
Thanks, everyone, for continuing to post your thoughts and support. I kind of feel like I've been harping on this too long -- basically saying the same thing over and over in all my posts, and getting similar answers everytime. I guess I was just hoping for an answer I knew I'd never get: that there's some way to transform me into the masculine, heterosexual stud I yearn to be.
headbang, your continued enlightening is always greatly appreciated. You are living proof that a gay man can truly be happy in today's seemlingly homophobic society, and that's encouraging.
But maybe that's exactly what my biggest roadblock to true acceptance is: society.
My very conservative family seems pretty damn homophobic, and I'm not sure their reaction to my coming out would be supportive and loving. I mean, sure, they'd feel *obligated* as my family to show love, but they'd still whisper about me behind my back when I came home for Christmas, et cetera. And that unnerves me.
Not to mention all my friends here around campus, many of whom are leading sexually-active heterosexual lifestyles. The very fact I haven't been proactive in that sense has probably already made them suspicious of my true sexual identity. If I come out to them, will they not want to hang around me anymore? Will I be left all alone when I feel incredibly lucky enough to have made the friends I have now?
And, perhaps most importantly, there's the girl. I can't really tell her at this point, "I think I'm gay, so sorry, we can't keep dating. Better luck next time." That'd be putting up a huge elephant in our friendship, let alone the possibility of a more intimate relationship....
Maybe what it all comes down to is that I don't feel tender love and affection for men. My interest in other men is purely erotic in nature; I don't want to date them, and cuddle with them in front of the fireplace. I want to be doing alll that with the ladies. But I won't do that if I can't be fully honest with them at the same time.
I have met other guys my age and younger who have come out and seem happy with their homosexuality. More than anything I admire their courage when I see them, but it also adds more weight onto my shoulders about my own self-denial -- the secret I still haven't shared with anyone, not even my closest friend.
For now, I'm trying not to think about it too much; I have my studies to worry about, after all, and an emotional struggle over this would lead to a decline in my grades.
Again, thanks to everyone who has commented on my dillema; you are a tribute to the true nature of this support group.
headbang, your continued enlightening is always greatly appreciated. You are living proof that a gay man can truly be happy in today's seemlingly homophobic society, and that's encouraging.
But maybe that's exactly what my biggest roadblock to true acceptance is: society.
My very conservative family seems pretty damn homophobic, and I'm not sure their reaction to my coming out would be supportive and loving. I mean, sure, they'd feel *obligated* as my family to show love, but they'd still whisper about me behind my back when I came home for Christmas, et cetera. And that unnerves me.
Not to mention all my friends here around campus, many of whom are leading sexually-active heterosexual lifestyles. The very fact I haven't been proactive in that sense has probably already made them suspicious of my true sexual identity. If I come out to them, will they not want to hang around me anymore? Will I be left all alone when I feel incredibly lucky enough to have made the friends I have now?
And, perhaps most importantly, there's the girl. I can't really tell her at this point, "I think I'm gay, so sorry, we can't keep dating. Better luck next time." That'd be putting up a huge elephant in our friendship, let alone the possibility of a more intimate relationship....
Maybe what it all comes down to is that I don't feel tender love and affection for men. My interest in other men is purely erotic in nature; I don't want to date them, and cuddle with them in front of the fireplace. I want to be doing alll that with the ladies. But I won't do that if I can't be fully honest with them at the same time.
I have met other guys my age and younger who have come out and seem happy with their homosexuality. More than anything I admire their courage when I see them, but it also adds more weight onto my shoulders about my own self-denial -- the secret I still haven't shared with anyone, not even my closest friend.
For now, I'm trying not to think about it too much; I have my studies to worry about, after all, and an emotional struggle over this would lead to a decline in my grades.
Again, thanks to everyone who has commented on my dillema; you are a tribute to the true nature of this support group.
