I bet some of you rolled your eyes as you clicked into this topic. "Christ, it's that whiney bitch Cale again, still gay as ever and unwilling to admit it to himself. Why do I even bother reading his rants?" Believe me when I say that no one could be more sick of it than I am right now, but I find myself coming back to this incredibly supportive community over and over hoping to find some glimpse of hope for myself. It's strange to think that intermixed with all the posts about penis size, sex techniques, and how to tell your best friend you want to sit down and give each other hand jobs, one would find this kind of serious sympathy and support. I come to you again having already read your advice and personal experiences with this gripping issue over and over and over again. But rather than tell you the same old story you're all tired of hearing, this tale has a new twist I should have seen coming from miles away: I have a serious girlfriend now, and she doesn't know I have gay feelings. ...I almost typed "and she doesn't know I'm gay" just now, but then flew my pinky over that faithful Backspace key. Am I in denial, people? Seriously, I love this woman to death in almost every way imaginable -- she's tall, she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's funny, and best of all she's the most down-to-earth person I've ever known -- I just lack any desire to get "down and dirty" with her. Not that there's any rush to get that off our list; she shares the same belief that I hold that sex is something special to be shared between people who have known and loved each other for a long time. ......well...I suppose I should be using the term "share" loosely. Maybe I'm just too homosexual to have any interest in such an act with her. I have had plenty of times when I've been tempted almost beyond all self-control to drive down to the local gay bathhouse and relieve myself in anonymous pleasure. Mostly I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me, and how am I going to best deal with it while simultaneously balancing my own emotions! People, I'm just not like the admirable and courageous Corey Johnson who came out to his high school football team in freaking high school. I literally cringed when I read that his teammates joked about "good-looking guys" and gay bars in the lockerroom. I'm sure Corey felt fine with it and really, truly, deep-down didn't give a shit about homophobic peoples' stereotypes and derogatory comments, but I'm not that cool. Despite my own apparent feminisms that I've done my best to mask around other people, I hate seeing openly-gay and very feminine men -- with the lisp, wrist-bend, and ALL. I don't hate them or their lifestyle, it just makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Am I insecure about this or WHAT? Anyway, there I go again, ranting about the same damn issue. I'm sure most of you are already intimately familiar with what I'm going through, since this must be the fourth time I've brought it up here at LPSG. The main reason for this post is the girl in the equation, the one I care a lot about and don't want to hurt. She has so much trust in me that I can almost literally feel it radiating into me when I'm spooning with her in bed late at night. All my internal conflicts and mixed feelings came to a climax when we went to a hip-hop dance club downtown and started doing the sex dancing -- you know, when a guy and his girl basically have sex vicariously through dance moves and with all clothes still on. The whole time, all I could think about was how dishonest I was being with not only myself but this beautiful young woman. It hurt. I started hating myself again when only hours earlier I had been feeling fantastic about a new semester at the university and my path in life. Should I just be open with this girl and tell her what I'm feeling? Something along the lines of, "I needed to tell you this before we continued on this path in our relationship." At which point, I suppose, she could think long and hard about it and either dump me (but stay friends?) or keep things up with me like nothing changed. I feel like that's the best answer, the one most of you are going to tell me to do, but it's the one I'm most afraid of, almost as much as I am to be openly gay to the world. I keep telling myself it's what I need to do (the being openly gay thing, too!, but my gut instincts keep telling me otherwise. Why are we always most afraid of doing what we know is the right thing? Alternatively, I suppose I could continue doing things like I already have been, pretending to be the straight guy I'm not, perhaps eventually leading to a life of forced sex (I call it "raping myself"), marriage, and three kids in a house in the suburbs. (But I wouldn't be the only guy who did that, now would I?) I post this message, in the hopes that I'll find some nuggest of good advice I have not thought about before. I thank you all in advance for being the wonderful supportive people that you are.