Erection concern.

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by IntoxicatingToxin, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Hey guys. I know I haven't been around for a while, but my boyfriend and I have a situation we need some help with! I met George online a few months back, and we fell in love before we even met. He came into town on Friday, and everything is as amazing as we'd hoped, if not better. He's absolutely perfect, and everything I've ever wanted in a man, and I think he feels the same way about me. We get along great, we're very open and honest with each other, etc. That's all gravy. Now here's our problem...

    George has issues staying erect when we're making out, engaging in foreplay, and having sex. His erection seems to come and go a lot. He'll get rock hard, but it only stays for a few seconds before it turns into a semi, and sometimes he goes almost completely soft. He says that everything I'm doing feels good, so we're not sure where the issue lies. He doesn't have this issue when he's masturbating, so I'm thinking it's psychological. There's a few things we've discussed that could possibly be the culprit, but we wanted to get your take on it. (Yes, we... he's sitting next to me as I type this.)

    One thing that we've discovered is that while having sex doggy-style, he stays erect without an issue, and so far that's the only position he's been able to climax with. He just told me that it feels like he receives more stimulation in that position than any other. And while other things I do, and other positions we engage in feel good, he doesn't seem to get the same stimulation from them.

    I brought up the idea that maybe he's just not physically attracted to me. I explained to him that just because he's in love with me doesn't mean that he likes the way I look. While a possible concern, he doesn't seem to think that it's true. But it DOES seem mildly suspect that when he doesn't have to look at me, he stays hard without an issue and cums just fine.

    There's also the idea that he was sexually abused as a child by a male relative. I know that this can cause sexual issues in people as they get older, so who knows.

    We've also discussed his past sexual experiences, and how him losing his virginity wasn't exactly a positive influence on him. She was less than kind, from what I've been told. He said that he had more issues during that experience than any other as far as his erection is concerned. Couldn't get hard at all at some points, and even doggy-style didn't fix the issue.

    As far as his actual penis goes, he's uncircumsized (drool. <3), about average length and a bit bigger than average girth (he wears a magnum). So it's not like he has this massively huge dong that holds so much blood he'd pass out if he got a full erection. >.>

    SO! Any ideas? Have any of you ever been through this and figured out a solution? If so, what was it?! I love this man more than any guy I've ever been with, and I absolutely adore being intimate with him... and even though sex isn't a requirement for me, it's really nice to be able to share myself with him in that way and it would be fabulous if we could do it without wasting condoms on erections that disappear before I can get him inside me. xD

    Thanks in advance. :smile:
     
  2. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    It could be a number of things, but in my opinion its most likely down to nerves. I know I was with a few gentlemen who felt the need to perform wonderfully and the pressure "got to them". It may be the case that your new fella really wants to do everything for you, but his nerves hold him back. It may take some time, but when he is more relaxed around you, things will "pop up". I know when I once met someone off the internet who I was very close with, I was rubbish in the sack - I knew I only had 5 days with them and I wanted it to be amazing, the pressure of that made me a bag of nerves!

    I know saying "well, it could be anything" really isnt the most helpful thing, but from my experience erection problems usually come down to nerves and stress etc.

    He sounds like a great guy, you lucky lady!
     
    #2 flame boy, Dec 28, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  3. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    Viagra isn't just for white-haired horndogs. Has he talked to his Doctor?

    I also wonder if it's performance anxiety. I wonder if he has ever had an erection around you (you mentioned his size, but have you seen it hard in person yet?). I doubt that he finds you unattractive... after all, there are so many girls all over the Web to choose from and he chose you. :wink:
     
  4. StrictlyAvg

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    I know exactly what you mean and - personally - took pills to get over it. The erection still dies off a little but stays hard enough to "perform". I'm pretty sure it's anxiety driven as once I get more relaxed around someone after a few times it's not a problem.
    I've also (since getting over the realisation that things weren't working quite as advertised any more) stopped being too bothered whether or not I actually come or not - as long as both of you have a good time everything's all good!
     
  5. Mule

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    It could be physiological, in that he's not getting sufficient blood flow into the penis. Considering that erection depends on sufficient flow in combined with restricted flow out, the difference in the placement of your pelvic bones during doggy style may be helping him stay erect.

    You should be able to find out if this is the case by trying a cock ring. If it works, it's most likely a physiological issue for which he can seek medical help. If a cock ring makes no difference, it could be a psychological issue that could be addressed with counseling (especially if it's abuse-related).

    Best of luck and let us know what happens.
     
  6. sexplease

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    Give time time.
    Let your new (in person) relationship develop.
    Love, attractions and desires for each other need to ebb and flow like the tides.
    In any relationship, this is the space and time a third, and imaginary, personality resides.
    It's called the: Us, We or Our personality.

    keep an eye on your needs (and he to his) and experience what the mysterious new personality offers.
     
  7. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I'm a very lucky lady! :biggrin:

    He has not talked to his doctor, that's something he could probably do. Yes, I've seen it hard in-person.

    Pills are an option, but I think we'd both rather try to figure out the cause than just treat the symptom.

    A physiological problem could also be true, but like I said... he has no issues gaining and keeping a full rock-hard erection when masturbating, only when in intimate relations with other people. I wouldn't be opposed to trying a cock ring, though. :tongue:

    That's what I'm hoping, that eventually he'll just get comfortable and it won't be an issue anymore.

    Thanks for all your responses guys! Any information we can get is super appreciated.
     
  8. Soloute

    Soloute New Member

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    I was having a very similar problem with my erections. About this time last year, I started taking Wellbutrin for depression and the problem went away. I felt like I was 18 again (even though I'm only 29 now). Then my wife and I took a trip to Europe. Before the trip I decided to stop taking it for two reasons: 1) Wellbutrin and alcohol do not mix well, and my family in Europe drink a lot, and 2) I would be worry and stress free for a whole month.

    Well I was right. During my vacation i was able to maintain perfect, rock-hard erections. This lasted for a few weeks after the vacation, too. After that it was back to real life. I have a pretty stressful job, and I don't live the healthiest lifestyle, which I suspect are the main causes.

    Now I'm back where I started. I don't want to take the Wellbutrin anymore because of the interaction with alcohol and I'm too lazy to go to the doctor.

    A little more background info. I can still perform with my wife; she says that she doesn't notice anything wrong. The main issue is when I masturbate. I have a small window of time to come (about five minutes). All this was true until earlier last week. I lost my erection while I was with my wife. This had never happened to me before.

    I guess I need to go to the doctor and/or the gym again.

    I hope this helps in some way.
     
  9. eyescream

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    This will sound weird but it could also be because he respects you THAT much and when he looks at you it makes him feel more emotionally bonded with you. Missionary can be quite intimidating!

    I've actually read about this issue! I would also write it down for nerves, the fact that he's more comfortable when you're not looking at him.
     
  10. conchis

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    He doesn't have this issue when he's masturbating, so I'm thinking it's psychological...

    I think he knows what the problem is but he doesn't want to tell you clearly.
    maybe he's shy. or your relationship is too young.
    when things like those happen we men perfectly know what is happening, trust me
     
  11. IntoxicatingToxin

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    That's entirely untrue on many various levels, but thanks for trying... :cool:

    We may have figured out what the issue is. Last night, he was able to maintain an erection almost perfectly - we're chalking it up to performance anxiety/negative thoughts. I told him to try something that essentially boils down to a form of meditation. I said, "When you meditate, you pick one thing to focus on and push all other thoughts out of your head. Like, you'll focus on your breathing or something and just put all your thought into that... if your brain starts to wander, you pull yourself back to concentrating on your breathing." He did essentially that last night when we were intimate, except instead of breathing he was focusing on me and what I was doing to him. Stayed hard the entire time, with only one or two brief moments where he was ALMOST rock hard, but not quite. Boy, was he happy! When we first talked about this problem of his, he actually cried... said he was worried I'd leave him over it, and that he didn't know what caused it or anything. He said, "I don't want you to think that it has anything to do with you, or how you look, or what you're doing because I know it's all me." So yeah. We're going to keep working on the problem from this angle and see what happens. :biggrin: Thanks for your input guys!
     
  12. Mule

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    Good to hear that you and he have made progress, and kudos for dealing with it in such an open and supportive manner.
     
  13. RawDog

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    For what it's worth, I get totally flaccid when I even start putting a condom on, no matter how turned on I was. Condoms just absolutely kill all sensations for me to the point that the anticipation of numbness turns me off.

    As far as doggy-style is concerned, when my back is straight up it puts the least amount of stress on my arms, hips and back. When I'm physically tired (after a workout) this position is the easiest for me to maintain an erection. You'd think lying down on my back would be easier, but it sometimes relaxes me too much.

    Conversely, when I'm worried about something, being physically exhausted prior to fucking is the best way for me to maintain an erection. My wife and I have had communication issues before and I got a little over-paranoid about certain things. One way to "get over" the paranoia was to be too physically sapped to care.

    Hoped that mades sense.
     
  14. blooeyz

    blooeyz New Member

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    get some lube and grease up his cock and balls and play with them gently the entire time during foreplay
     
  15. SwingDriver

    SwingDriver New Member

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    It sounds like anxiety. From experience, A) don't make an issue out of it while it's happening--that will make it worse, and B) it will get better after you've been together a few different nights--he'll become more relaxed and less nervous while you're naked together. But as it is, you're still getting to know one another on this level, and that sometimes takes more than one or two nights together.

    EDIT: Should have read the whole thread, but yeah, I think it was a little first-time w/ new partner anxiety, because it got better after a few "tries" as I thought it would. I'm positive your sex together will only get better and better from here on out. Happy new year--enjoy your new relationship.
     
    #15 SwingDriver, Dec 31, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2009
  16. B_Craiggers

    B_Craiggers New Member

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    It sounds like anxiety.

    That was my thought.

    When he's masturbating he's alone, and when you're doing it doggy style, there's not really a way for you to watch him and so those situations might make him feel more relaxed on some level.

    There'd be bigger indicators if it's a real attraction issue (like how often does he initiate fooling around -vs- you initiating it, etc)
     
  17. IntoxicatingToxin

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    This is true. He's constantly kissing me, in public even, and loves hugging me, holding my hands, having his arm around me, etcetera. In fact, the other night, he even said that I was the first person he's been with where he didn't care who saw us kiss or anything. And then he said, "In fact, I want people to see us kissing and cuddling. I want everyone to know you're mine." :redface: I lurv him! Hehe.
     
  18. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Alright, well I know this is sort of old news but I figured I'd update you anyway.

    George went from barely being able to maintain an erection when he first arrived to being able to hold one all the time, and have sex while facing me without an issue. I think he's fixed! :tongue: Thanks for your help guys!
     
  19. D_Rawkesbye Deadheade

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    Performance anxiety? That's the only thing I could think of at the top of my head. Sorry my response is redundant.
     
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