Even in death -

[Lordpendragon]

Such a beautiful smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9LJ9we02Ls

 

[B_Stronzo]

I've received much acknowledgement here and many thoughtful private messages from telling this unhappy business at LPSG. I thought after I'd posted this thread that it was too personal but I find today that it was a really good thing to do. One especially kind fellow in pm assured me that it was "the right thing to do".:wink:

I can only hint at the comfort the messages here and in private have given me. I become surprised once more at the value this place can have and the worth of its members when life's down to the quick of things.

Auden's wonderful poem from YouTube narrated by that fellow with the Yorkshire or Scottish accent was beyond beautiful. It's the piece I always turn to when indulging full-force my grief. But that video had impact said in just that way by just that man beyond simply reading it from the book.

Thank you all for giving enough of a shit to write these things here.

Today I note, the quest book has been published at the link to his death notice.

I know that no less than 40 people have left messages of condolence (I did too) yet only one short note is published there. His family's editing them for content. And the beat goes on.

Thanks again all.

R.

 

[joyboytoy79]

Hello,

I know we haven't conversed much, but i've noticed your presence on the boards.

In my life i've had several family members and friends die by their own hands. Never, ever, is it an easy thing to accept. You will experience many feelings and thoughts. At some point the thought will cross your mind that their must have been *something* you could have done. There will be anger, blame, hatred, despair, and denile. At some point in the future their will be peace and forgiveness. Death is a process for those of us left behind to deal with it. If at any point you need help from someone who's been through similar experiences, please let me know.

With greatest sympathy,

Tylen

 

[fortiesfun]

Like the many other posters here, I am very sorry for your loss, but so appreciative that you chose to share it with us. These are the times that a community pulls together, and that you think of us as your community is quite touching. Your anger is also extremely healthy, and illuminating. It reminds of us why homophobia remains an issue that touches us all. It has reminded me this already sad day of why speaking out against injustice is literally a life-and-death matter. Until we are all free, none of us is truly free.

 

[bluekarma]

Stronzo, I am sorry. I can't and won't even begin to imagine what kind of pain you must be feeling. My throat swells up when I think of the emotional anguish this man faced everyday, simply because his family was to ignorant to love him for the beautiful person that I'm sure he was. I only hope that he can be at peace now. And that maybe one day this sick fucked up world won't be such a cruel place to be. Everyone will be accepted and live their life happily without strings attached. I'm so sorry for your family and Juan as well. Your are in my thoughts....

 

[Irvy]

It's very sad, and I'm glad that you and your partner will be there for Juan, and him for you, even if his family cannot accept that very important part of his life, even now he's gone.

I hope this doesn't sound innappropriate, but I'd like to share a little about my parents. I was always petrified of telling my parents that I was gay. They are very strict, fundamentalist christians, and I really didn't think they'd be able to cope with having an evil, going-to-hell, sodomite son. My biggest problem with it was that I can't lie to my parents, as honesty has always been one of the strongest binds in our family.

I got around it by avoiding questions and not lying, but sometimes having to do that by saying nothing at all. I realised that I was dancing around the issue, and was in principle lying.

My other big concern was what would happen to me in the case of a serious accident, as I'd want the 3 people I trusted the most to make the right decisions, namely my parents and my partner. I'd been through my partner being in a serious car crash, and almost dying, and remember how uncomfortable and awkward it had been meeting his parents for the first time in the hospital.

So I bit the bullet and came out to my parents. I know it was probably the hardest thing they'd ever have to hear, and now, nearly 3 years later, they still struggle with the "christian" aspect to it. However, I wasn't thrown out of the family, or treated with contempt. They didn't feel they needed to invent a fake girlfriend. If they felt it was somebody's business that they know, they'll tell them. If it's none of their damn business, they say nothing.

After I'd told them, I asked them why they hadn't done any of things I'd expected them too. Mum smiled, and told me that I was still their son, and I'd shown them that by telling them the truth, not because I had to, cos I could have hidden it so easily, with me living in N Ireland, and them living in England. I'd told them because I couldn't stand lying to them, and that was all that mattered to them. She said they'd known I was hiding something, and it was hurting them that it was something so bad I couldn't tell them, but now they knew what it was, they'd be able to deal with it.

Our parents are the most difficult people we ever have to come out to, but they're also the most important. It makes my heart break to hear of families who hold their "public image" higher than having their children feel that they can be honest to them. It's a scary thing to do, mostly because in a sense, you're too often waiting to find out just how much your parents love you. My parents shocked me in their ability to put their beliefs aside, and I'm ashamed that I ever doubted their love. I truely pray that more and more of my gay and bi brothers and sisters around the world can learn that same lesson, because life is a happier and more honest place now.

I pray this gives some hope to those who are contemplating telling their parents. It's so sad how many parents do shun their own flesh and blood, because of something they can't change or help. Don't give up hope though, because sometimes your parents can show you that right out of nowhere, they can turn everything upside down and surprise the hell out of you, in a very good way.

Stronzo, my love to you and your family in this difficult time. I applaud you for wanting to tell people about your friend's life, to show the things he wanted to be seen, and say the things he wanted to be heard.

 

[Gisella]

I'm very sorry for your loss...Stronzo

Very sad to lose a love one and under this circunstances...

But I hope that families that cut relationships with the sons and daughters this way realize the deep hurt and dispair it causes bcause such deep bond can not be separated by silence, avoidance and etc.

Its very very sad.

And I hope his family find peace in the realization of this tragedy and the remorse and anguish a father and mother feels for had not love unconditionaly...is very sad.

Stronzo you and Juan had a great opportunity to be so close to his heart...and still are...the mourning process is a road, allow yourself to go to the many steps of it...is not easy but we have to go through it...

kisses.

 

[hot-rod]

Only Lordpendragon knows that my boyfriend and I have recently lost a very good friend among our group of gay brothers here in Massachusetts.

Since many here avail themselves of this board in an effort to work out personal problems I will take this one opportunity to do so only this one time.

Mike Cordeiro was a friend of mine. He was kind and loving and handsome and complex. Fuck was he handsome! He and I joked about "getting together" if we both weren't attached. I'm glad we didn't. I'm glad we knew each other precisely as we did.

He and I had a particular bond that made him feel comfortable being able to discuss his personal dismay at not being able to reconcile his homosexuality with the family from which he came. Our conversations about this topic were considerable and he struggled with a father who was from generations of law enforcement and a mother who thought her son was "too handsome to be gay".

Mike had a boyfriend. Mike's boyfriend was Juan. Juan is a terribly nice man who was born in Puerto Rico and loved Mike beyond what most people will ever experience in a loving relationship. The only thing that stood between Mike and Juan was Mike's family who simply could not abide having a gay son (let alone having him be romantically involved with a Puerto Rican fellow who was immediately identifiable as gay)

Last Thursday Mike took his own life.

My articulation is gone and so's my patience. I cannot write anything more about it that will make any sense. I've only just now found his obituary on the internet and in the Sunday paper. I keep thinking I need to call Mike to tell him Mike's dead. Isn't that silly? Isn't that just the silliest fucking thing you've ever heard??

So I'll post the link to the death notice. It's a stonewall.

Mike had no fiancée named "Amanda". She's an invention. And those D-Jay jobs which are mentioned in that oh-so-short obit? They were at TWO LOCAL GAY CLUBS.

Sorry friends and non-friends alike but when I get on my high horse and a bit overly-gay for some of you it's to this business I address my confoundment at this society who'd rather have its sons dead than gay.

Read it and shed a tear or two for life lost. I've shed them for days.

Michael W. Cordeiro (click on his name once in the site to view death notice)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard. Just think about him and talk to him. He's sitting right there on your shoulder, always. I can kinda understand about his family though. I'm almost 60 and me and my family do love each other but have never accepted my being gay. My dad who is 85 has said some very nasty and hurtful things to me and my christian sister and brother still seem to think that I can go and be made straight if I really wanted to.....anywho, I'm sorry for your loss

 

[taven]

Stronzo,
My brother and several friends have committed suicide. All I can say is you have my empathy and sympathy.

 

[Lex]

I've received much acknowledgement here and many thoughtful private messages from telling this unhappy business at LPSG. I thought after I'd posted this thread that it was too personal but I find today that it was a really good thing to do. One especially kind fellow in pm assured me that it was "the right thing to do".:wink:

I can only hint at the comfort the messages here and in private have given me. I become surprised once more at the value this place can have and the worth of its members when life's down to the quick of things.

...

Stronzo,
You absolutely did the right thing. Your sharing this man's life and death as well as your own pain is a poignant reminder of the stresses and hurdles that many of our gay brothers and sisters face. I hope that some who read this can become just a little more sympathetic to the overall struggle, even as you and I and others often appear mired in what can be considered by some to be minutia. In the end, we all want the same--unconditional love, acceptance and a chance at a fulfilling life. That's not too much to ask is it?

BTW--your last few avatars--were they pictures of him? I can see from his obituary that he was as beautiful as you described. A shame in every imaginable sense of the word and beyond.

 

[Matthew]

My condolences for your loss, Stronzo. I can't imagine what his partner must be feeling. I can't imagine having to deal with the awful loss itself, and then on top of that feeling like the existence of that treasured relationship was being erased. I don't know why I'm ever surprised at how sick people can be, but I still am.

As we know, there is no guarantee of justice in this world. If there were, I wonder what the consequences for his parents would be. Apparently, losing their own son was not enough. It clearly wasn't enough to make them do right by him.

 

[madame_zora]

Stronzo, you know I worked in cemeteries for a number of years, and I can tell you that among the gay men whose funerals I attended I couldn't help but hear the words from a weird Queensryche song echo in my head, "Even in death you still look sad", although it was never a gay reference in the song. I found it uncanny that you named the thread thusly.

I met so many incredible people then, one guy had started a then "new" treatment program for AIDS, and had lived ten years beyone what was expected, after having given away all his worldly goods on his deathbed. He was living in extreme poverty, still waiting for government benefits to come through, it was heart-breaking. He had the prettiest bright blue eyes I have ever seen, I wonder sometimes if he is still alive today.

I met a mother telling me of her son's struggles and eventual death, he was one of the lucky ones whose conservative family had found a way to change their perspective to show love even though they didn't understand, isn't that what it's supposed to be about?

My heart grieves for you, and for all who endure such losses because compassion just cannot be found. I think the message here for all of us is to reach out to those we love, and make for ourselves the family of our choosing, so hopefully our brothers and sisters will feel they have enough of a support group when their birth families let them down. Tell each other we love each other, and then be there.

Despite everything we can do, there will always be some who choose to take their own lives, and leave behind perhaps a statement, but a lot of broken hearts as well. Perhaps if your friend could read what's being said about him now, he may have chosen otherwise- or maybe not. I know you and you husband will reach out to Juan and include him in your family, and that thought makes me smile. I wish there was something brilliant I could say here, but I share in your sadness, especially in this kind of death.

 

[47927]

http://legacy.com/southcoasttoday/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=19162350


FYI- the fiance it refers to is his brother Bryan's fiance, Amanda.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Richard, you have my condolences on your loss. I will write more in PM once you have had a chance to mourn just a bit, and recover from the shock.