Ever Been In Love With A Closted Guy?

breaktheice91

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To make a long story not as long, since 2016 I've had a fuck buddy who is closeted that I met on an app.

The first 2 years it was purely physical. He would come over, we'd hook up, then he'd leave. But last year things changed.

One night he came over and wanted to actually talk before we got to things. He'd always been really guarded since I guess other guys he'd been with had gone psycho and threatened to out him to ex gfs and his family.

Ever since then, over the last year we've really opened up to each other, which is also big for me because although I'm out, I have MAJOR trust issues with men.

In my mind, I wanted to be with him officially, but he would always say he was anti-relationships. YET he also started acting like my bf. Acting jealous at the thought of me other guys, promising me dates, and giving me nicknames, he was even really emotionally supportive when some other guy gave me my first (and only) STI : unamused:

But it also got annoying after a while, he'd come over every weekend which is nice & he'd finally come around to doing things in public together, but would always flake on the plans. A few times I'd get frustrated and go off on him and we'd stop talking for a while (5 months being the longest), but he'd always reach out and we'd be right back at it.

But earlier this month, I just reached my breaking point. He flaked again on plans we'd made and he stopped texting me mid conversation, which he knows drives me CRAZY. So I ended whatever we have, to which replied "ok" :expressionless:

That was April 4th and although I feel I'm justified in what I did. I really wonder if this is the end of us... like we haven't talked since.

I can't stop thinking about him. I really think I may love him. I've been with a lot of guys, guys even hotter than him & I'd always choose him over them. Even his flaws, I'm attracted to.

Anyone ever been in my boat? Any advice?
 
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AnthonyAdkins

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Call this guy. Explain what the problem is, and what you want if this were to continue. If he tries to be picky or whatever tell him bye
 
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223790

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I was in a similar relationship with my one and only bromance which I have posted about many times before on other threads. All I can say is to walk away. I know how much it hurts and sucks. I can't say forget about him because you never will. He will constantly invade your thoughts for the rest of your life. I understand the part about looks because my old bromance was a moderately attractive guy compared to a lot of other guys I knew. It's not looks that form a connection, it's something much deeper.
 
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breaktheice91

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I was in a similar relationship with my one and only bromance which I have posted about many times before on other threads. All I can say is to walk away. I know how much it hurts and sucks. I can't say forget about him because you never will. He will constantly invade your thoughts for the rest of your life. I understand the part about looks because my old bromance was a moderately attractive guy compared to a lot of other guys I knew. It's not looks that form a connection, it's something much deeper.

You’re probably right, but it’s just so hard

I’d honestly been meaning to break things off for a while with him. Only because I knew what we had wasn’t healthy.

But I wanted to do it in person, not over text like it went down. And I kept on delaying & delaying it.

I guess because I wanted to see his reaction when I said it, because he can act all cool over text, but we all know the eyes don’t lie.

And I figured he would reconsider things and meet me half way, but now idk.
 
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223790

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You’re probably right, but it’s just so hard

I’d honestly been meaning to break things off for a while with him. Only because I knew what we had wasn’t healthy.

But I wanted to do it in person, not over text like it went down. And I kept on delaying & delaying it.

I guess because I wanted to see his reaction when I said it, because he can act all cool over text, but we all know the eyes don’t lie.

And I figured he would reconsider things and meet me half way, but now idk.

It's been 25 years for me and it sucks just as much today as it did back then. I went through that stage of giving him another chance only to betrayed again and again and again and again. It is what it is and will only drive you crazy. I had to break off all contact with him years ago for my own sanity. I'll post a couple of threads that may help you.
 
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wavejock

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Hey man...Im going to comment on this having been the closeted (bi) guy....and it happened in a similar way to some extent. We met on some chat...decided to meet up. Ive always been more relaxed about meeting up, grabbing a drink, etc so I wasn't afraid to be in public..but I was the closeted dude and he was the gay newbie. I say this my man because I have been there, you guys dig each other obviously, communicate, talk, good sex etc...but that is only good for a while. What will happen...as it happened to me...is that you will constantly be "hoping" for more, and although you have some cool times...you will more often be disappointed than satisfied. It doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or important to you both...but it has reached a point where he has to make that decision...and until he does you have to decide whether to end it and if he does come out, if you will still be ready to take him back...or you have moved on. But for now you have to sort of have to be strong and move on. It doesn't make him a bad guy...doesn't make you a bad guy. he is probably a really good guy..he is just not there and may never be. After a while it may get easier, you may be able to accept that and just be friends..or you may just go separate ways. And maybe he will come back..you dont know..but you've invested enough time in it, have had some great times..but the situation cant last like that. you will survive and get passed it!
 

breaktheice91

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Hey man...Im going to comment on this having been the closeted (bi) guy....and it happened in a similar way to some extent. We met on some chat...decided to meet up. Ive always been more relaxed about meeting up, grabbing a drink, etc so I wasn't afraid to be in public..but I was the closeted dude and he was the gay newbie. I say this my man because I have been there, you guys dig each other obviously, communicate, talk, good sex etc...but that is only good for a while. What will happen...as it happened to me...is that you will constantly be "hoping" for more, and although you have some cool times...you will more often be disappointed than satisfied. It doesn't make the relationship any less meaningful or important to you both...but it has reached a point where he has to make that decision...and until he does you have to decide whether to end it and if he does come out, if you will still be ready to take him back...or you have moved on. But for now you have to sort of have to be strong and move on. It doesn't make him a bad guy...doesn't make you a bad guy. he is probably a really good guy..he is just not there and may never be. After a while it may get easier, you may be able to accept that and just be friends..or you may just go separate ways. And maybe he will come back..you dont know..but you've invested enough time in it, have had some great times..but the situation cant last like that. you will survive and get passed it!

Thanks for the words. I get where you’re coming from...

I’ve been sooo patient with him because I get that everyone needs to come out in their own time & I would never out someone because I was sorta outted and it sucks.

And knows he can trust me with that, but he can’t take advantage of that - back and forth with what we are. I want him so bad, but if we start up again things have to change.

How did things end up with you guys? Were you the one resistant to being more?
 

ohiorod

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My best advice is to break this off permanently and swear off looking for someone you want to change. It sounds like this guy has given a clear message he doesn’t want to be changed into someone else. Look for someone that you like for who they are and build a healthy relationship. Some people spend far too much time trying to fix someone who deep down doesn’t want to be fixed. And almost always, they end up hurt, resentful and very disappointed.
 
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breaktheice91

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My best advice is to break this off permanently and swear off looking for someone you want to change. It sounds like this guy has given a clear message he doesn’t want to be changed into someone else. Look for someone that you like for who they are and build a healthy relationship. Some people spend far too much time trying to fix someone who deep down doesn’t want to be fixed. And almost always, they end up hurt, resentful and very disappointed.

Wow, that's hard to hear.

source.gif
 

Xens

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Trying to fix someone is consuming tonns of energy and you never know if the outcome is going to make you happy. I have recently been into personality tests, like Volikov. They help a lot to choose the right person and also i like compatibility tests.
Your situation to me doesn't seem like you are in love. It seems you are a victim in his manupulative way of acting. True love never gives such emotions. You are just addicted to his attitude because this guy gives you a burst of emotions.
 
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223790

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I agree with the statements other guys have made here. I think it was when I started to understand that my old bromance just wasn't right that I gained a better perspective on what was going on. I had other people make that comment to me about him, but I just couldn't see it. I started researching NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and it was quite the revelation. My old bromance fit the description of a narcissist to the letter. Suddenly, all of his weird ass bullshit behavior made sense. The OP may also be dealing with someone who has NPD. Based on my research (and personal experience), there is NOTHING that can be done to "fix" them. They will go from one destructive relationship to another, and eventually suffer the consequences of their actions. The one thing a narcissist is a master at is making you feel like you are doing something wrong and that everything that has happened is your fault when in reality it's all them. I strongly encourage anyone dealing with someone like this to do some research on NPD to gain some perspective. Quora has a section for survivors of narcissistic abuse which has great information. The stories there describe my old bromance perfectly. It was on one of the threads/forums/groups I previously posted above that made me suspect my old bromance has NPD. I knew nothing about it before. Everything I have read about NPD results in only one solution, run away from that person as fast as you can and cut off all contact with them.
 
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