Ever give the "shy guy" a chance?

[pokerus]

In many threads it has been said time and time again that confidence is key to getting the girl, but have any of you ladies ever given the underconfident shy guy a chance?

Ever give that "undesirable" a shot? Any stories or experiences?

 

[D_Penelope Clitstop]

I like the shy guy type, theyre usually very sweet.

My last bf was a shy guy at first and he was great in the bedroom, very eager to please and do it right. Then as he got more confident he got better and better until he became the best I'd had for a long time

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

I have given the shy, unconfident guy a shot. Numerous times. That lack of confidence never works though. Usually results in jealousy and other bad things. Shy is fine, underconfident not so much.

 

[Embrace69]

I've given a few "shy" guys a chance. It's more under confident than shy. For me, it's never ever worked out.

I get too annoyed with the "I'm not sure about this, or I can't believe I actually have a girlfriend, or I'm too introverted to do this or that." It's a huge turn off and it feels like they are fishing for an ego stroke and a confidence booster rather than actually paying attention to me, or the relationship.

It seems like they get stuck on themselves and what they are or aren't doing and they are too concerned about it to just let it go and enjoy having a relationship with someone they supposedly care about. To me, it borders on the brink of being neurotic and I hate that, just freaking hate it.

I don't always want to have to build a guy up just so I can enjoy my time with them. They should have natural confidence, being a teensy bit shy is ok but to the point where they can't function in a healthy relationship is a big no no for me.

 

[bananaclubcock]

I'm not a woman, but I am probably shyer than most guys or maybe just choosy and reserved.

My experience is that the shy should look to the strongest women. The complaints of the women here are that the guy needs support. Not only are the strongest women in the best position to give that, they are often used to being less respected than they deserve and are most appreciative of being taken seriously. YMMV.

 

[AlteredEgo]

There is a difference between being shy and lacking self-confidence. I'm all about the dude who knows full well his worth, but just doesn't know how to approach a woman, or forgets what he wanted to say beyond, "Hello". On the other hand, if a dude doesn't already know how amazing he is, trying to get with me is like telling me he thinks I deserve someone less than stellar. I have no time at all for that guy.

 

[xX_Sarah_Xx]

Hmm... no. I've never given a shy guy a chance. And currently, I don't think I ever will.
Our personalities just wouldn't match. I need a guy that's able to handle me, knows how to deal with me. Someone that's not afraid of me. Apparently, sometimes, I can be somewhat scary.

 

[Kotchanski]

Shy but arrogant gets me every time.

The last guy I met like that, I ended up married to.

Someone who is just shy I'll give a chance to, if they lack self-confidence or self-respect though I'm not going to be all that interested in.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Shy but arrogant gets me every time.

The last guy I met like that, I ended up married to.

Me too. I don't think my husband would know humility if he sat on it. Sometimes it's a bit much, and I have to gently remind him that his shit does stink as much as everyone's. Lordy the way he exhibits high self-esteem soaks my panties sometimes.

 

[luka82]

I have given the shy, unconfident guy a shot. Numerous times. That lack of confidence never works though. Usually results in jealousy and other bad things. Shy is fine, underconfident not so much.

This is a brilliant post!
And from my experience totally correct.

 

[ConstantComment]

Everybody likes to be with a winner. Even if you are shy, or a bit slow, never betray your lack of confidence.

The guy I'm going out with now, he has said some things that make me wonder. One time he said that he liked me because I have a hot face and ahot body and I am attracted to him. hmmm, as if he has never before attracted someone satisfactory.

On another occasion, he surmised that I could be with other men. Citing occasions where we hav been out with groups and he had noticed that other men had wanted to approach me.

He is a bit of a nerd so I can imagine in his younger years that he was probably passed over on the college campus by those college coeds who were looking for the Brad Pitts (a figure of speech).

But now that we're out in the real world, you should behave as if everything is going to plan.

 

[Enid]

similarly to others here:

shy, yes
cripplingly unconfident, no
so shy as to be completely passive in just about all aspects of life? no way
but just being hesitant to express yourself in some situations is a regular and normal part of most people's human experience, i have no problem w/ that
there's a decidedly negative expression of shy and a more positive or not negative expression of shy, the way i see it

 

[RawDog]

Shy but arrogant? Could someone explain that further please? I always thought the two were direect opposites.

 

[EllieP]

My husband could be considered the shy type. You will never find him bragging although he has loads to brag about (no, not just "that"). He's super talented, and once out of his shell he can be the life of the party. He just needs a push!

Yes, I've given shy guys a chance more than a few times. Sometimes they work out; sometimes they're shy for a reason - they just don't got it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Shy but arrogant? Could someone explain that further please? I always thought the two were direect opposites.

My husband is extremely reluctant to approach new people. He isn't particularly comfortable talking to people he's already met, for that matter.

Once you get to know him though, you discover:
He has accomplished many things for himself, and he's extremely proud of each and every one. In fact, he will tell you in great detail how each and every achievement was won, if you'll let him.

He is incredibly observant. He knows his observational kills are well-above average. He loves to show this off. He loves to point out things he notices that no one else notices.

He has lightning-fast reflexes. He brags a lot about this, but he can also back up his arrogant claims.

He's brilliant. He knows he's really smart, and is very disdainful and very unforgiving of stupidity. Sometimes he is way too arrogant about being more intelligent than others. The things that come out of his mouth in that regard shock me at times.

Sometimes, I'm convinced he believes he can never do any wrong. That's cultural though. His mother treats him like the third-best thing since Jesus. (She and her husband are things one and two, their daughter is thing four.)

He is as stealthy as a ninja and he knows it. When he was assigned to a ship, there was a guy who outranked him, a chief I believe who had a security clearance even higher than his. My husband had a set of keys very few had high enough clearances to also have. I believe three others on the whole ship had those keys, including this chief. This chief had a security clearance even higher than that of the ship's commander, and there was one key on his ring that no one else had. My husband used to take a lot of glee from stealing this key, and then asking the chief for access to the closet it opened, and returning the key only after the chief lost his mind looking for it. Sometimes, he'd just take them, and put them back in his hands, reminding him that his own possession of the keys was a security breach that needed prevention. If that's not arrogance, I don't know what is. A third does not do that to a chief (or to a second, for that matter)

He is full of righteous indignation regarding the behavior of others in contrast to his own code of honor and ethics.

His is very full of pride. Most of it is justified. Some of it is pure arrogance.

 

[blutrane]

Hmm... no. I've never given a shy guy a chance. And currently, I don't think I ever will.
Our personalities just wouldn't match. I need a guy that's able to handle me, knows how to deal with me. Someone that's not afraid of me. Apparently, sometimes, I can be somewhat scary.

Scary? I don't know. What you are is intelligent. I don't think under-confident guys can't deal with intelligent women.

I can be pretty shy when it comes to approaching a beautiful woman, but I am by no means un-confident. I think there are more of us than women realize.

 

[Kotchanski]

My husband is extremely reluctant to approach new people. He isn't particularly comfortable talking to people he's already met, for that matter.

Once you get to know him though, you discover:
He has accomplished many things for himself, and he's extremely proud of each and every one. In fact, he will tell you in great detail how each and every achievement was won, if you'll let him.

He is incredibly observant. He knows his observational kills are well-above average. He loves to show this off. He loves to point out things he notices that no one else notices.

He has lightning-fast reflexes. He brags a lot about this, but he can also back up his arrogant claims.

He's brilliant. He knows he's really smart, and is very disdainful and very unforgiving of stupidity. Sometimes he is way too arrogant about being more intelligent than others. The things that come out of his mouth in that regard shock me at times.

Sometimes, I'm convinced he believes he can never do any wrong. That's cultural though. His mother treats him like the third-best thing since Jesus. (She and her husband are things one and two, their daughter is thing four.)

He is as stealthy as a ninja and he knows it. When he was assigned to a ship, there was a guy who outranked him, a chief I believe who had a security clearance even higher than his. My husband had a set of keys very few had high enough clearances to also have. I believe three others on the whole ship had those keys, including this chief. This chief had a security clearance even higher than that of the ship's commander, and there was one key on his ring that no one else had. My husband used to take a lot of glee from stealing this key, and then asking the chief for access to the closet it opened, and returning the key only after the chief lost his mind looking for it. Sometimes, he'd just take them, and put them back in his hands, reminding him that his own possession of the keys was a security breach that needed prevention. If that's not arrogance, I don't know what is. A third does not do that to a chief (or to a second, for that matter)

He is full of righteous indignation regarding the behavior of others in contrast to his own code of honor and ethics.

His is very full of pride. Most of it is justified. Some of it is pure arrogance.

See, this is why I love you AE - Now I don't have to type all that :biggrin1:

My husband has confidence by the bucket load and is more than happy, in fact he insists on telling you about it every chance he gets. Having said that, he is very shy when it comes to approaching women, new situations, socialising in any way.

 

[petite]

I have dated both shy and under-confident men, and men who were both, mostly under the illusion that since they were literary and bookish or seemed to be thoughtful that there were hidden depths and a rich inner life that made them mysterious and interesting, and I longed to get to know them better and discover what was hidden inside. That didn't happen. None of the quiet shy types that I initially thought had those hidden depths ended up proving me correct. Eventually, I just felt shut out. I wasn't meant to be with a shy person.

There is a big difference between shyness and humility in my opinion. TheBF is not shy at all, but he is so humble about his accomplishments, but proud of them, too, and for good reasons. He doesn't display an attitude of superiority to other people, which I intensely dislike in anyone, but he's so obviously confident the way that he is so fearless in his approach to life and his career, his natural leadership abilities, and his ability to make Really Huge Decisions and never look back. I could not do half the things that he does because I would be second guessing myself all the time and I would not be able to handle the stress, but he has the ability to face the potential consequences without fear and make those decisions and not end up being a frazzled stressed-out wreck at the end of the day, like I would be! To me, that shows real, actual confidence, not a facade of confidence like most people display.

There's also a huge difference between confidence and arrogance. That jerkassboy my friend dated was possibly the most arrogant person I've ever met in my entire life, but his arrogance was so transparent. It was obvious that he suffered from a lack of confidence and that he was over-compensating. He seemed to believe that if he displayed enough arrogance, that he would be demanding respect from other people, and that would somehow help him out socially and in his career, when his arrogance was simply a display of disrespect for everyone else. Ugh! I'll never forget the time when we argued over it. He told me that he didn't believe that anyone deserved any respect until that person proved that he or she deserved it, and it was okay to be rude to people who were "nobody" (as I suppose he thought I was when he tried to pick me up in such an insulting way, not realizing that his future SO would be one of my good friends) so I watched as he literally burned bridge after bridge with people who actually could have helped him out socially and career-wise because he acted like a jackass towards stranger after stranger whom he didn't realize might have been helpful to him someday, which seems so just and karmic.

And there's also a big difference between being outgoing and being confident, although a person can have both, like TheBF does. The jealous guy that I loved but whom I could not convince of that, he was outgoing but lacked confidence and he constantly suffered from insecurities that he was not as desirable as other men, or that other people looked down on him. In the end, he became so self-absorbed with his own feelings of inadequacy that he acted intolerably selfish all the time, incapable of thinking about anything other than how he felt about a situation, never what other people were experiencing or how his behavior affected others. There is a level of insecurity that makes a person absolutely selfish and so self-absorbed that it's not possible to have a healthy relationship with them. They can't see past their own noses.

I suppose I need someone who is the opposite of me! I need someone outgoing. I am much shyer than I would like to be, and sometimes it requires effort for me to be outgoing because I do feel insecure or worried about how I'm being perceived. I hate that about myself. TheBF is naturally outgoing, and I admire that so much! He makes friends with people so easily. He's so good about showing interest in other people when they meet, and he treats everyone as his equal and habitually sets other people at ease. There are little friendly and kind things that he does that impressed me about him when we first began dating, things that showed his confidence and his humility and his outgoing nature all at once. Most people ignore the guy at the register or the person walking by struggling with a package who needs a helping hand, but TheBF looks them in the eye and habitually does little things to help strangers out, like helping to make change or carry a bulky package or hold a door, and he makes a joke to establish a rapport with them and easily engages in conversation with anyone about anything, like with other people standing in line with us, which makes even the smallest interaction with him really uplifting and nice, and sometimes, those people that he's been chatting with end up being friends. I admire that ability to do that and I wish I was more like that.

So, yes, I've given shy guys a chance, but I don't believe that we were compatible and eventually, I stopped giving them chances altogether. Every guy I've been happy with or been with for a long time has been the "more outgoing than me" type.

 

[Moez???]

See, this is my problem.

I'm confident in who I am on a personal level. I'm confident I'm not repulsive, and I know I'm not repulsive. The thing is, I'm horrible at reading people, and oblivious to signs. So I never know what other people are thinking until I get to know them better. So I end up being very shy, and reserved with new people. And Its very hard to get past that for me. It makes people think I just don't like them, when really, I rarely make opinions about people.

And I just can't get over that. I am horrible with small talk, and eye contact with new people. I just have no idea how to approach someone at all. I know these are problems, and I feel emasculated having to ask for some pointers on how to start a conversation with someone that isn't a friend of a friend.

 

[RawDog]

Thanks AE and Aconitum for the explanations. Makes sense now.

There's also a huge difference between confidence and arrogance.

I heard a good explanation once of the difference. Confidence is when you can say, "I'm good", arrogance is when you say, "I'm better than you".