ever lose a friend to a marriage/relationship?

[D_Maurice Mountlilly]

as soon as your friend gets into a relationship..he's gone,you don't hang out at all..
i know what you're gonna say.."he's in a relationship now" i'm good with that,but never hanging out at all? after being damn near brothers?
but when the relationship ends..he's your best friend again.

or the other situation i go through is,the wife or the girlfriend put the word out that my friends won't be hanging out with the guys he used to hang out with.and even at social gatherings she will not leave his side to let him even talk to his friends he used to hang with.

anybody else go through this?

 

[anisbank]

This is one scary thing i fear about getting married. I can never let go of my friends.. we are more closer than brothers...

 

[dad4you]

yes, both situations. A friend got married.. and he is gone..not "gay" any more as his church (mormon) would kick him out and ruin his life.
another.. married friend, as soon as she found out I was gay, would not let her husband be around me without chaperoning him.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

Oh, yes, many times. Middle-class, straight, white guys are the worst: the minute they get married, they outsource all of their personal relationships to their wife: old friends, relatives, neighbors, etc., all start getting phone calls and emails and Christmas cards from the wife and man's friends/relatives/neighbors don't hear from him anymore. It's bad enough when the friends/relatives/neighbors like the man's wife, but it's horrible when they don't even like the wife. I've stopped responding to wives I don't like of men who I do like. (And divorced, middle-aged, middle-class white guys all wonder why they don't have many [or any] friends anymore! HELLO!?!?!?!)

 

[free2jump4u]

Oh, yes, many times. Middle-class, straight, white guys are the worst: the minute they get married, they outsource all of their personal relationships to their wife: old friends, relatives, neighbors, etc., all start getting phone calls and emails and Christmas cards from the wife and man's friends/relatives/neighbors don't hear from him anymore. It's bad enough when the friends/relatives/neighbors like the man's wife, but it's horrible when they don't even like the wife. I've stopped responding to wives I don't like of men who I do like. (And divorced, middle-aged, middle-class white guys all wonder why they don't have many [or any] friends anymore! HELLO!?!?!?!)

I have plenty of young married guys who have done the same to me!!! I like all of their wives, but I can't stand when my relationship to my friend is defined by what the new wife thinks of me ... and all of my years and all of my effort is reset to zero. But that's how they want it ... or rather they just can't be bothered to speak up ...

 

[boibitch87]

One of my best friends is like this. As soon as he's taken, he literally disappears. Never answers his phone, stops going to class, etc. We legit never see him or hear from him. But, as soon as he breaks things off with whomever he's seeing, he's wanting to hang out literally all the time. It's fucking annoying. Granted, I can be the same way sometimes, but I always make time for my close friends, and my boyfriend does the same.

 

[deleted556573]

I ended my very first relationship because of this. He single-handedly made my life a living hell because he felt threatened by ALL of my friends, gay AND straight. He came between me and every friend I had, one by one. Weird thing is, I didn't see it until he started coming between my BEST FRIEND and I. I put a very quick stop to that, as I finally saw the bigger picture for what it really was: my then-boyfriend was a manipulative, insecure twat who saw threats that weren't there. The final straw was where he attempted to forbid me to go to my best friend's wedding. I said the following to him: "I'm going to J's wedding. He was here before you came along, and he'll be here LONG after you're gone". The relationship met its demise shortly thereafter.

Part of the reason that these things happen is because people don't create a balance between their personal life and their relationship. There's all kinds of factors that contribute this. In the relationships I've had since that disastrous first one, I've made it VERY clear to my suitor that I had a life before he came along, I will CONTINUE to have a life with my friends while we are in a relationship (although the relationship will take a priority), and I expect him to do the same. At the first sign of jealousy comes a talk, reminding him of these facts. If this can't be dealt with on his part, then he gets kicked to the curb. My friends are my family. I nearly lost them once and I will not be put in that position again.

Some people say their partner is their world. That may be the case. I can tell you this: many of my friends, gay or straight, are married (where legal) and happy. They also have active social lives and interact with friends regularly I've never met a couple who have no friends that are truly happy. They're usually some of the most miserable people I've ever known, and that's a large part of the reason why those types of relationships don't work.

 

[SyddyKitty]

Sort of. I lost this friend because I couldn't be happy for him that he was in a relationship. I had the largest crush on him, despite him being straight. He was aware of it as well, as I'd told him one of the times I stayed over at his place. He's now marrying this girl - I'm proud for him a but I'm still not happy for him. It's now been about 4 years since we've talked.

 

[earllogjam]

Yes, and it's especially bad when you think the person he married is a cunt.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I have a few girl friends that always seem to disappear when they are dating a guy then reappear when the relantionship goes south. Some seem to never want to do anything because they have to spend every spare moment with their guy. I do love them dearly, but I don't understand it, I have to have space in relationships.

I agree with what one poster said about some men "outsourcing" their other relantionships out to their partners. I've had a LTR boyfriend become upset because I didn't send a birthday card to HIS sister.

 

[B_625girth]

I had a friend "move" on my then gf yrs ago. the gf & I broke up, they started going out. I was not too happy with her or him, mostly mad at her. he kept h is distance cuz he didn't know how I felt. after a week, I said I told him, I wasn't happy, but wasn't gonna beat his ass or anything and we were still friends. about a week after that, he came to me all upset, cuz she dumped him. because apparently, he didn't measure up. she had gotten used to my big cock, she told him he didn't measure up to me, that he was small cocked. and that was that. he wasted no time looking me up and I thought was gonna start swinging on me. I go thim settled down. the next nite I run into her, and she is drunk and fucked up, and starts swinging her purse and hitting me with it. says I ruined her for life.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I WANT my partners to go and hang out with their mates. They really do need to have a life separate from me. And I expect the same from them.

Although if we're at a social occasion together I would probably want to hang out with him myself, so you'd just have to take us as a pair - think of it as a two for one offer :biggrin1:.

I have had female friends that disappear entirely when they get a boyfriend. I've never quite understood it.

 

[D_Ichabod Longfellow]

Subgirrl , You are so correct,
Cant stand when a female or male friend gets a new partner, and the fall off the earth!

Then they break up, and cant understand why all their old friends are weary to take them back.

 

[blkbro510]

You know what happens to men who disappear from his friends, he gets lonely, and wakes one day and realize, while shopping for furniture again and cleaning the lawn, that he can change his wife or lover for two 20 year olds. LOL.

No but seriously I don't get it how folks, this more men in particular, go into relationships and cut themselves from all their friends while majority of the WOMEN still KEEP all their friends, and family with them.

And then years go by, your friend, try to reach out and force you into remember the good days and then cries that they want it back...

How the fuck that is normal!

Look guys if you are on the receiving end of this trend, just remember this when you are in a relationship and keep your friendship. Friends are family and they are your support system.

As for me I just say duce and kick rocks, make new friends and you know what you will meet friends who are in HEALTHY relationships, that would be a good role model for you, that reflects the balance of being in a relationship and keeping friendships.

The SOUTHERNS (Blacks and Whites there) do a good job of this!

as soon as your friend gets into a relationship..he's gone,you don't hang out at all..
i know what you're gonna say.."he's in a relationship now" i'm good with that,but never hanging out at all? after being damn near brothers?
but when the relationship ends..he's your best friend again.

or the other situation i go through is,the wife or the girlfriend put the word out that my friends won't be hanging out with the guys he used to hang out with.and even at social gatherings she will not leave his side to let him even talk to his friends he used to hang with.

anybody else go through this?

 

[louielouie82]

My best friend from college ditched me when she got married and started popping out children. I think people's priorities just change when they find somebody to truly settle down with. I mourned our friendship for years, but honestly, I get it now. She just entered a place in life where I had no experience, nothing to add, and the things we used to do together no longer fit into her lifestyle. People change... it's just part of life. Try not to be bitter, just enjoy and be thankful for the times you had together. :smile:

 

[mexdude]

I did loose a frind, he got married, and the wife did not like some of his friends, but he is diverced now, and we can hang out again

 

[kurios]

I have had a good friend for eons who fades in and out of my life depending on whether he is connecting with some chick or not.
At first it pissed me off a bit cause he would just disappear and then return months later like there had been no time lapse, no heads up and no explanation.
He is a good guy and would do and has done a lot to help me and I think if I needed something when he is in the" preoccupied phase" he would show up.
I have come to accept that he can only handle one major relationship at a time and becomes entirely preoccupied with the chase at the cost of forgetting all friends.
He deserves happiness so I wish him well but each time he pulls the disappearing act I respect him a bit less because I see a lack of character strength or balls and I make less and less effort to keep in touch.
I can see cutting back on the amount of time spent with buddies but not the total disconnect
So yes I understand the pattern
I don't think it is the way to treat friends
Yes I hope he finds his soul mate but maybe this intense focus is what drives them away
and lastly the immature part of me does burn a bit and when he remembers friends I am pretty slow to thaw.

 

[deleted3782]

Ya this has happened more times than I can count. I expect it now.

In high school I had a best friend who I now realize I was head over heels for. We spent all our time together, and then he fell for a girl and had no time for me. This happened a too many times and each time it really hurt. I probably built up defenses to help me cope with my feelings of rejection that I still carry today and aren't very healthy (like feelings of resentment and anger).

Fast forward 100 years, and last year another best friend started dating someone who was an outright asshole and felt tremendously threatened by me. But my buddy was head over heels in love with the guy. I saw where things were going in terms of conflict between the Bf and myself, and the decreasing amount of focus my friend was giving me. My reaction was to simply step back and let them be together. I haven't talked to the guy in a year now. Maybe if they break up we can hang out again, but in the meantime, I'm not pushing it.

So I guess it works both ways...friends find romantic partners and distance is created between us, but sometimes friends find partners and I now encourage the distance to let them have their time together. I'm glad my friend has found someone that he is so in tune with and makes him happy - that makes me happy.

Fight the current or go with the flow.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

I see a lack of character strength or balls

Yes, sometimes there is a pussy-whipped aspect to this phenomenon.

 

[sdbg]

as soon as your friend gets into a relationship..he's gone,you don't hang out at all..
i know what you're gonna say.."he's in a relationship now" i'm good with that,but never hanging out at all? after being damn near brothers?
but when the relationship ends..he's your best friend again.

anybody else go through this?

Yes. It's happened to me a number of times with straight guy friends that I've had for 20 to 30 years. They become pussy whipped and totally controlled by their partners. They have to ask permission to spend time with me. It probably doesn't help that their women know that I'm gay. They probably feel threatened. For the past year, one of my cycling partners hardly ever rides with me anymore since he fell in love. We've maybe seen each other 4 times when we used to get together every 2 weeks. It is what it is. I'm independent and have no problems doing things by myself. When I've been in relationships in the past, I never neglected my friends. It's just not right. This friend does this every time he connects with a woman and then when they break up, he constantly calls and spends time with me. He's aware of his behavior and apologizes for it after the fact. Being the good sport that I am, I alwys understand that it's just the way of human behavior and tell him don't worry about it. It does bug me, yet I try to let it go and move forward. It doesn't do anyone any good to hold a grudge.