Everbody loves a limerick . . .

Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by lisztless2004, Feb 6, 2005.

  1. lisztless2004

    lisztless2004 New Member

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    The huffing and puffing about IQs and degrees in another thread has me thinking that what's needed is a heavy dose of light verse. Luckily for us, there are a slew of limericks about our favorite topic. A few classics:

    There once was a lady from Sydney
    Who could take it as far as her kidney,
    But a guy from Quebec
    Shoved it up near her neck!
    Now he had a massive one--didn't he?

    A law student (let's call him X)
    Had very small organs of sex.
    The judge spoke with composure
    Re: indecent exposure,
    "De minimis non curat lex!"

    There once was a plumber from Lee
    Who played the homewrecker with glee.
    Said one wife: "Stop your plumbing!
    There's somebody coming!"
    Said the plumber, "And that would be me!"

    There once was a woman from Exeter
    So beautiful, men craned their necks at her.
    And one was so brave
    As to venture to wave
    The distinguishing marks of his sex at her!


    Now, I've saved the best for last. This has to be one of the best high-brow/low-brow jokes of all time:

    There once was a Duchess of Brugges
    Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
    Said the king as he came
    In the cavernous dame:
    "Mon dieu! Apres-moi, le deluge!"

    Pedants please forgive the absence of the diacrits.
     
  2. surferboy

    Gold Member

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    I only understood one of those. And I bet that last one would be a riot if I spoke French...
     
  3. txquis

    Gold Member

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    anyone know the "once was a gal from nantucket" one?
    people always use the first line of that and i have never heard the actual
    finish...i assume that "fuck it" comes in there somewhere.
     
  4. lisztless2004

    lisztless2004 New Member

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    'Sfar as I know, the classic version is:


    There once was a man from Nantucket
    whose cock was so long he could suck it.
    He said with a grin,
    And some cum on his chin,
    "If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."
     
  5. bartonside

    bartonside New Member

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    May I contribute something a little more tasteful?

    There was a young man from Japan
    Who wrote verses that no-one could scan
    When told this was so
    He said "Yes, I know,
    But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can."

    :D
     
  6. lisztless2004

    lisztless2004 New Member

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    Nice! Reminds me of a great Stoppard canard:


    There once was a man from Hibernia
    Who rhymed himself into a hernia.
    The practice he kept
    Made him rather adept
    (With occasional anticlimaxes)
     
  7. jonb

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    Not about size, but still:

    There once was a man from Natal
    Who was fucking a Hottentot gal
    Said she "You're a sluggard!"
    Said he "You be buggered"
    "I like to fuck slow and I shall"
     
  8. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    'Sfar as I know, the classic version is:


    There once was a man from Nantucket
    whose cock was so long he could suck it.
    He said with a grin,
    And some cum on his chin,
    "If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."
    [post=280648]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    That is the more popular version, but there is another:

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose cock was so long he good suck it.
    He twisted his pole
    Into his asshole,
    And tenderly began to fuck it.
     
  9. RICKY_27

    RICKY_27 Well-Known Member

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    There once was a 'nympho' named Alice
    She used a stick of dynamite as a phallus
    They found her vagina in South Carolina
    and her ass in the suburbs of Dallas.

    :D :D :D

    RICKY_27
     
  10. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    There once was a young man from Brighton
    Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
    He said, "Oh my love
    It fits like a glove."
    Said she, "Aye, but you're not in the right 'un."
     
  11. Franky

    Franky New Member

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    There was a young man of Kent
    whose cock was all twisted and bent
    to save himself trouble
    he put it in double
    and instead of cumming
    he went!

    There was a young lady of Devises
    whose tits were two different sizes
    one was so small
    it was nothing at all
    while the other
    won numerous prizes!

    There was a young lady from Ealing
    who had a peculiar feeling
    she lay on her back
    opened her crack
    and pissed all over the ceiling!

    There was a young lady from Orton
    who had one long tit
    and one short'en
    but to make up for that
    she had a bloody great twat
    and a fart like a 500 Norton!

    There was a young man from Cheam
    who invented a wanking machine
    on the ninetyninth stroke
    the bloody thing broke
    and whipped his bollocks to cream!
     
  12. B_Robert Fish

    B_Robert Fish New Member

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    STOP PLEASE!!

    PLEASE STOP NOW!!

    STOP STOP STOP!!

    :excl: :excl: :excl:
     
  13. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    (Sorry Robert)

    If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker
    It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock or
    Some joker who is slicker
    Will trick you of your liquor
    If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
     
  14. jonadkins

    jonadkins Member

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    Bearing in mind firstly that Robert Fish doesn't have to read this thread if he doesn't want to, and secondly that "Costessey" is a place in Norfolk, UK pronounced "Cossy" despite the spelling:

    There was a young lady from Costessey
    Whose pubes were curly and glostessey
    Her cunt and her ass
    Were smooth as mown grass
    And her cunt was dark, dank and mostessey.

    Blame/credit to Stephen Fry, from his novel "The Hippopotamus"
     
  15. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A statue that stands in Des Moines
    Is a man with a slot in his groin;
    He pops an erection
    And points the direction
    Whenever you deposit a coin.
     
  16. lisztless2004

    lisztless2004 New Member

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    Again, apologies to Mr Fish. I've become a fan of the limeraiku, which, as the name suggests, combines the AABBA rhyme scheme with the 5-7-5 syllabic structure. It was allegedly invented by Robert Conquest, author of (IMHO) the single best non-dirty limerick of all time:


    There once was a Marxist named Lenin,
    Who did two or three million men in.
    That's a lot to have done in,
    But where he did one in,
    The grand Marxist Stalin did ten in.


    Conquest's limeraiku:


    There's a vile old man
    Of Japan who roars at whores,
    "Where's your bloody fan?"


    Other excellent specimens:

    In Arabia,
    baby, a girl must get dust
    in her labia.

    There's a man at Crewe
    Station who buggers muggers
    so, well, there's a queue.


    My own feeble effort:

    There's an eager boy
    From Troy who seeks big fat Greeks
    For post-battle joy.
     
  17. godiluvabig1

    godiluvabig1 New Member

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    I'm seeing these, and I've gotta try my hand at this...

    There was a man who lived on a mountain
    When he came, he shot like a fountain
    When asked how big it grew,
    He said, "I'll tell you
    It's 12 inches but then, who's countin"

    The man who had a cock down to his knees
    In his pants, it was a tight squeeze
    For someone who had a big cock
    It was quite a shock
    Cuz his nuts were the size of two peas
     
  18. Kimahri

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    They taught us about these in elementary school and i still somehow remember the one I wrote. Remeber I was like 3-4 grade with this.

    There once was a bee in jail
    He tried to get out with a nail
    He flew around
    And hit the ground
    He looked up and saw he was still in jail
     
  19. oldman9x7

    oldman9x7 New Member

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    This one has been posted already but I've always liked this version -

    Nymphomaniacal Alice
    Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
    They found her vagina
    In South Carolina
    And the balance of Alice in Dallas.


    I've added this just 'cause I think it's funny -

    There was a young man from Port Said
    Who fell in a shit hole and died
    Then his mother, poor soul,
    Fell in the same hole
    And now they're intered side by side.
    Gramps
     
  20. Imported

    Gold Member

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    Sweet Caroline:
    That is the more popular version, but there is another:

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose cock was so long he good suck it.
    He twisted his pole
    Into his asshole,
    And tenderly began to fuck it.
    [post=280728]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    And to think the only one I'd heard was:

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    who kept all of his money in a bucket.
    His daughter named Nan
    ran away with a man,
    and as for the bucket, Nan tucket.
     
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