Everbody loves a limerick . . .

[lisztless2004]

The huffing and puffing about IQs and degrees in another thread has me thinking that what's needed is a heavy dose of light verse. Luckily for us, there are a slew of limericks about our favorite topic. A few classics:

There once was a lady from Sydney
Who could take it as far as her kidney,
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up near her neck!
Now he had a massive one--didn't he?

A law student (let's call him X)
Had very small organs of sex.
The judge spoke with composure
Re: indecent exposure,
"De minimis non curat lex!"

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who played the homewrecker with glee.
Said one wife: "Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, "And that would be me!"

There once was a woman from Exeter
So beautiful, men craned their necks at her.
And one was so brave
As to venture to wave
The distinguishing marks of his sex at her!


Now, I've saved the best for last. This has to be one of the best high-brow/low-brow jokes of all time:

There once was a Duchess of Brugges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
Said the king as he came
In the cavernous dame:
"Mon dieu! Apres-moi, le deluge!"

Pedants please forgive the absence of the diacrits.

 

[surferboy]

I only understood one of those. And I bet that last one would be a riot if I spoke French...

 

[txquis]

anyone know the "once was a gal from nantucket" one?
people always use the first line of that and i have never heard the actual
finish...i assume that "fuck it" comes in there somewhere.

 

[lisztless2004]

Originally posted by txquis@Feb 6 2005, 04:12 PM
anyone know the "once was a gal from nantucket" one?
people always use the first line of that and i have never heard the actual
finish...i assume that "fuck it" comes in there somewhere.

[post=280646]Quoted post[/post]​

'Sfar as I know, the classic version is:


There once was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
And some cum on his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

 

[bartonside]

May I contribute something a little more tasteful?

There was a young man from Japan
Who wrote verses that no-one could scan
When told this was so
He said "Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can."

 

[lisztless2004]

Originally posted by bartonside@Feb 6 2005, 05:40 PM
May I contribute something a little more tasteful?

There was a young man from Japan
Who wrote verses that no-one could scan
When told this was so
He said "Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can."

[post=280662]Quoted post[/post]​

Nice! Reminds me of a great Stoppard canard:


There once was a man from Hibernia
Who rhymed himself into a hernia.
The practice he kept
Made him rather adept
(With occasional anticlimaxes)

 

[jonb]

Not about size, but still:

There once was a man from Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal
Said she "You're a sluggard!"
Said he "You be buggered"
"I like to fuck slow and I shall"

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Originally posted by lisztless2004+Feb 6 2005, 09:18 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(lisztless2004 &#064; Feb 6 2005, 09:18 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-txquis@Feb 6 2005, 04:12 PM
anyone know the "once was a gal from nantucket" one?
people always use the first line of that and i have never heard the actual
finish...i assume that "fuck it" comes in there somewhere.

[post=280646]Quoted post[/post]​

&#39;Sfar as I know, the classic version is:


There once was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
And some cum on his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

[post=280648]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

That is the more popular version, but there is another:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he good suck it.
He twisted his pole
Into his asshole,
And tenderly began to fuck it.

 

[RICKY_27]

There once was a &#39;nympho&#39; named Alice
She used a stick of dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
and her ass in the suburbs of Dallas.



RICKY_27

 

[Pecker]

There once was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he&#39;d at last found a tight &#39;un.
He said, "Oh my love
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "Aye, but you&#39;re not in the right &#39;un."

 

[Franky]

There was a young man of Kent
whose cock was all twisted and bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of cumming
he went&#33;

There was a young lady of Devises
whose tits were two different sizes
one was so small
it was nothing at all
while the other
won numerous prizes&#33;

There was a young lady from Ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she lay on her back
opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling&#33;

There was a young lady from Orton
who had one long tit
and one short&#39;en
but to make up for that
she had a bloody great twat
and a fart like a 500 Norton&#33;

There was a young man from Cheam
who invented a wanking machine
on the ninetyninth stroke
the bloody thing broke
and whipped his bollocks to cream&#33;

 

[B_Robert Fish]

STOP PLEASE&#33;&#33;

PLEASE STOP NOW&#33;&#33;

STOP STOP STOP&#33;&#33;

:excl: :excl: :excl:

 

[Pecker]

(Sorry Robert)

If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock or
Some joker who is slicker
Will trick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.

 

[jonadkins]

Bearing in mind firstly that Robert Fish doesn&#39;t have to read this thread if he doesn&#39;t want to, and secondly that "Costessey" is a place in Norfolk, UK pronounced "Cossy" despite the spelling:

There was a young lady from Costessey
Whose pubes were curly and glostessey
Her cunt and her ass
Were smooth as mown grass
And her cunt was dark, dank and mostessey.

Blame/credit to Stephen Fry, from his novel "The Hippopotamus"

 

[Pecker]

A statue that stands in Des Moines
Is a man with a slot in his groin;
He pops an erection
And points the direction
Whenever you deposit a coin.

 

[lisztless2004]

Again, apologies to Mr Fish. I&#39;ve become a fan of the limeraiku, which, as the name suggests, combines the AABBA rhyme scheme with the 5-7-5 syllabic structure. It was allegedly invented by Robert Conquest, author of (IMHO) the single best non-dirty limerick of all time:


There once was a Marxist named Lenin,
Who did two or three million men in.
That&#39;s a lot to have done in,
But where he did one in,
The grand Marxist Stalin did ten in.


Conquest&#39;s limeraiku:


There&#39;s a vile old man
Of Japan who roars at whores,
"Where&#39;s your bloody fan?"


Other excellent specimens:

In Arabia,
baby, a girl must get dust
in her labia.

There&#39;s a man at Crewe
Station who buggers muggers
so, well, there&#39;s a queue.


My own feeble effort:

There&#39;s an eager boy
From Troy who seeks big fat Greeks
For post-battle joy.

 

[godiluvabig1]

I&#39;m seeing these, and I&#39;ve gotta try my hand at this...

There was a man who lived on a mountain
When he came, he shot like a fountain
When asked how big it grew,
He said, "I&#39;ll tell you
It&#39;s 12 inches but then, who&#39;s countin"

The man who had a cock down to his knees
In his pants, it was a tight squeeze
For someone who had a big cock
It was quite a shock
Cuz his nuts were the size of two peas

 

[Kimahri]

They taught us about these in elementary school and i still somehow remember the one I wrote. Remeber I was like 3-4 grade with this.

There once was a bee in jail
He tried to get out with a nail
He flew around
And hit the ground
He looked up and saw he was still in jail

 

[oldman9x7]

This one has been posted already but I&#39;ve always liked this version -

Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And the balance of Alice in Dallas.


I&#39;ve added this just &#39;cause I think it&#39;s funny -

There was a young man from Port Said
Who fell in a shit hole and died
Then his mother, poor soul,
Fell in the same hole
And now they&#39;re intered side by side.
Gramps

 

[13788]

Sweet Caroline:

Originally posted by DoubleMeatWhopper+Feb 6 2005, 10:28 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(DoubleMeatWhopper &#064; Feb 6 2005, 10:28 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'>

Originally posted by lisztless2004@Feb 6 2005, 09:18 PM
<!--QuoteBegin-txquis

@Feb 6 2005, 04:12 PM
anyone know the "once was a gal from nantucket" one?
people always use the first line of that and i have never heard the actual
finish...i assume that "fuck it" comes in there somewhere.

[post=280646]Quoted post[/post]​

&#39;Sfar as I know, the classic version is:


There once was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
And some cum on his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it."

[post=280648]Quoted post[/post]​

That is the more popular version, but there is another:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he good suck it.
He twisted his pole
Into his asshole,
And tenderly began to fuck it.

[post=280728]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

And to think the only one I&#39;d heard was:

There once was a man from Nantucket
who kept all of his money in a bucket.
His daughter named Nan
ran away with a man,
and as for the bucket, Nan tucket.