Expanding social circles

Thirdlegproduction

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The best way to expand your social circle is to get out of the house and getting involved with anything that involves interacting with people. Not online, not via txt, not in a chat group, or on Facebook. I meet people @ the gym, on vacation, walking the dog in the park, jogging, play recreation sports, or just shopping in the mall.

I'm meeting dozens of new people because of my work at the gym and being a student but most are not meeting my standards because well I chose the easy way out when selecting my college and my gym as both are just around the corner and have a name for being very laid back.
This also means it attracts a lot of "bad" people as well, but there are some just a few who do live up to my expectations and I'm just looking for more effective means of finding these "good" people.

Fuzzy suggested I'd do some volunteering and that sounds like a good plan to me.
 

bobg4400

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I'm meeting dozens of new people because of my work at the gym and being a student but most are not meeting my standards because well I chose the easy way out when selecting my college and my gym as both are just around the corner and have a name for being very laid back.
This also means it attracts a lot of "bad" people as well, but there are some just a few who do live up to my expectations and I'm just looking for more effective means of finding these "good" people.

Fuzzy suggested I'd do some volunteering and that sounds like a good plan to me.

So not only do you have apparently unreasonably high standards given you inability to find anyone that meets them but you also criticise other people for quitting and then go and take the easy way out yourself.
Clearly you're both narcissistic and hypocrytical. I think the best way for you to meet people would be professional help to help you become more sociable and less of a giant douchebag.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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no the first was in present tense and the latter in past tense.

I have been changing my behaviour and routines to benefit me and recognising my flaws.
I did choose the easy way out four years ago and I've been changing that since a year or two and now I've become aware that most people in my social circles are still taking the easy way out and are content with that.
I've been trying to take them higher and they try but aren't willing to put any effort in achieving their goals so it ends there.

Now I can wait years for these people to turn around and get off their asses or surround myself with more likeminded people and I'm going for the latter.

As for my high standards, yes apparently having a decent moral compass, being adventurous and dependable and having ambitions in your life is too much to ask of most people.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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And I do find people who meet most of my standards but as with my earlier example I get turned of because they start gossiping about a girl who was just there in the room earlier.
Just having trouble finding people who fit 99% of my standards.
And that's my problem for creating these standards but I refuse accepting the kind of behaviour that harms someone else even if it's just talking behind someone's back.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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As tgirlsaregreat stated I failed to communicate what I did meant to say.
And I read as a giant ass, but I'm not here to insult or get insulted by people Tgirlsaregreat and Fuzzy gave some pretty good advice.

For future reference I'd apreciate if people would point out any flaws without the hostility that some have already displayed.
Can't stop people from being who they are but I am here to make some changes, to myself and my environment and I will try to communicate less like a dick.
 

blazblue

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I don't think choosing to surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions as yourself makes you a dick.
 
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Catharsis

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I can empathize with you to an extent... If there's something I don't like, I'm going to change it or at least try to. Of course, I've come across several things that I won't be able to change about myself, because these are all either very superficial or very psychological.

In my opinion, taking the course to self improvement is not wrong. I'm glad that you're doing this for yourself and I hope that it works out for you.

The only thing I will actually criticize on is, from what I noticed, the main thing that holds people back on trying these new things with you is a sort of money constraint. They might actually think that going to Miami is a great idea, but why should they be judged for not being able to afford it? Unless, of course, they're wasting money on petty things they don't really need, or they don't have a job and aren't even looking for one.
 

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And I do find people who meet most of my standards but as with my earlier example I get turned of because they start gossiping about a girl who was just there in the room earlier.
Just having trouble finding people who fit 99% of my standards.
And that's my problem for creating these standards but I refuse accepting the kind of behaviour that harms someone else even if it's just talking behind someone's back.
99% now I know you are a douche bag troll..go away
 

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Your friends are your friends. Period...Let's say you have a friend, who "meets" all of your standards. Mentally and physically. This friend suddenly has a stroke, or is in a horrible accident, that changes their physical or mental capacity. Would you ditch this friend? This is the question you need to address for yourself. If you feel your friends are inferior to you, then you never saw them as friends to begin with. You probably think of them as friends, but they're more like "acquaintances with flaws", to you..
 

tanstaafl16

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I have had difficulties making friends as well and living in New York City doesn't help. I feel that I might have to leave soon as I am not happy. Some of them have gotten married and moved to Long Island.

I am not sure if moving out of NYC will help. It is probably just harder elsewhere. Anyone had that experience?

I would like to get married one day, but I am not optimistic.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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Your friends are your friends. Period...Let's say you have a friend, who "meets" all of your standards. Mentally and physically. This friend suddenly has a stroke, or is in a horrible accident, that changes their physical or mental capacity. Would you ditch this friend? This is the question you need to address for yourself. If you feel your friends are inferior to you, then you never saw them as friends to begin with. You probably think of them as friends, but they're more like "acquaintances with flaws", to you..

It started out as friends, but yes slowly most people are turning into acquaintances because I'm not getting the friendship I'd like.

At birthdays for example I think it's rude to show up without a present and even when I didn't have any money to spare I made sure I brought one hell of a gift suited for the person.

Now giving doesn't automatically means you always get something in return but I haven't gotten a thing from these so called friends over the past few years or on occasion 8 months later because the guy felt guilty and not because it was the decent thing to do.

I also make a habbit of being on time but if I want to peacefully live with these people I have to say the appointment is at 2 if i want them to show up in time on the actual 3 o clock apointment.

The only thing these people are in the mood for is going to the movie theatre because we have a membership card and you can watch unlimited movies you want for 20 dollars a month.
So as long as it's cheap and boring we can hang out all the time and don't get me wrong I love going to the movies from time to time but don't let it be the only thing you do.

As for the Miami thing I don't judge people for not having money to go I know it's not the cheapest place in the world, I judge them for saying they're going with me and end up backing out at the last moment for the same reason they always do, lack of money, so I have to make new arrangements and end up paying for it.

I'm realising that all I'm getting out of these friendships is mostly having fun and joking around but when any other quality is desired, like being dependable or knowledgeable it's just not there.

Now I have lots of circles in different areas, there are smart people but usually not good for laughs, and funny people but usually not good for serious topics.

I don't discard friends unless they are harmfull in any way like drug abuse, stealing or just talking shit all the time but I feel like it's time for me to surround myself with more positive people and the circles I am in are slowly changing into acquaintances for me as they are not the people I want them to be.

Now I'm looking mostly for external factors because I do have solid friends and I have shared this with them as well to get some honest feedback.
Living far away from me these people agree that it's mostly because of my environment and that I should change the scenery if I want to meet better people as they have experienced my friends and environment first hand.
Let it be known that my town is in the middle of the two worst "ghettos" in Amsterdam as far as you can call them ghettos but it's filled with all sorts of scum and they like meeting in the middle.

Now the place or the people won't hold me back doing what I want to do but it's a factor that has played a big role as we have a saying in dutch "Je bent waar je mee omgaat" translates as you are who you surround yourself with.
 
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Catharsis

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I do agree with you on the issues with timing and birthdays, because that's just being polite, along with not talking about someone behind their back. But your issue with finances still bugs me. You don't need to pay anything to hang out with friends... You guys can hang out for free, play sports or something you guys enjoy, or have a bonfire or something. To be honest, I wouldn't join in with you and your friends for the movies, because even that's too expensive for me. I can only imagine what activities you want to do that aren't so "cheap and boring."

I know that probably sounded accusatory, but to be honest I'm really touchy only about the finances issue. I do agree with your motives and intentions for pretty much everything else in finding new friends, so I wish you luck. I've been judged by my own friends for ditching them because I didn't have enough money to do something... So it's a touchy subject for me.
 
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airc3

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I'd like to create a social circle before I can expand it. I'm nearly 28 and have very few friends and can't even remember how I made those. I never really learned how to make friends and it's starting to get to me. So boring sitting at home every night and on weekends just doing nothing. Even when I do go out I don't even know how to approach people since everyone is usually with their own posse.
 

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It started out as friends, but yes slowly most people are turning into acquaintances because I'm not getting the friendship I'd like.

At birthdays for example I think it's rude to show up without a present and even when I didn't have any money to spare I made sure I brought one hell of a gift suited for the person.

Now giving doesn't automatically means you always get something in return but I haven't gotten a thing from these so called friends over the past few years or on occasion 8 months later because the guy felt guilty and not because it was the decent thing to do.

I also make a habbit of being on time but if I want to peacefully live with these people I have to say the appointment is at 2 if i want them to show up in time on the actual 3 o clock apointment.

The only thing these people are in the mood for is going to the movie theatre because we have a membership card and you can watch unlimited movies you want for 20 dollars a month.
So as long as it's cheap and boring we can hang out all the time and don't get me wrong I love going to the movies from time to time but don't let it be the only thing you do.

As for the Miami thing I don't judge people for not having money to go I know it's not the cheapest place in the world, I judge them for saying they're going with me and end up backing out at the last moment for the same reason they always do, lack of money, so I have to make new arrangements and end up paying for it.

I'm realising that all I'm getting out of these friendships is mostly having fun and joking around but when any other quality is desired, like being dependable or knowledgeable it's just not there.

Now I have lots of circles in different areas, there are smart people but usually not good for laughs, and funny people but usually not good for serious topics.

I don't discard friends unless they are harmfull in any way like drug abuse, stealing or just talking shit all the time but I feel like it's time for me to surround myself with more positive people and the circles I am in are slowly changing into acquaintances for me as they are not the people I want them to be.

Now I'm looking mostly for external factors because I do have solid friends and I have shared this with them as well to get some honest feedback.
Living far away from me these people agree that it's mostly because of my environment and that I should change the scenery if I want to meet better people as they have experienced my friends and environment first hand.
Let it be known that my town is in the middle of the two worst "ghettos" in Amsterdam as far as you can call them ghettos but it's filled with all sorts of scum and they like meeting in the middle.

Now the place or the people won't hold me back doing what I want to do but it's a factor that has played a big role as we have a saying in dutch "Je bent waar je mee omgaat" translates as you are who you surround yourself with.

I'm happy for you, that you want to make your life better. Maybe I misunderstood your comments. Go forth, and make a better life for yourself, but never forget the friends and family that got you there. Mazel Tov, my friend..
 

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I like this forum so much and find the people really smart. Have some really good friends in life but we don't live very close so my partner and I don't have too many friends in the immediate area. He tends to not need as many people around but I get rather lonely. I always thought I would know people where I work in education but actually have found professional jealousy and closed minded people in my immediate work place....not all of course. I think, on the whole, I am really well liked at work but it has long been my understanding that I am not included in social gatherings because I am gay. So they like me but keep me an arms length for their own comfort. It is strage but it has always been this way. I have some coaches who come up to me alone and just hug me and then ignore me when another coach is around. Anyway, I fill out my day with the gym and my partner and I go out and do things...but this site helps in just kind of being around male energy. So cheers brothers
 

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I have had difficulties making friends as well and living in New York City doesn't help. I feel that I might have to leave soon as I am not happy. Some of them have gotten married and moved to Long Island.

I am not sure if moving out of NYC will help. It is probably just harder elsewhere. Anyone had that experience?

I would like to get married one day, but I am not optimistic.
Just to let you know, NYC is one of the best places to meet girls in the world.
 

D_CountVonBhigBohner

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Well, good luck with that! Perhaps you should spend just a little time thinking about what YOU have to offer. The "people who will fit 99% of your standards" may also have their own standards.


And I do find people who meet most of my standards but as with my earlier example I get turned of because they start gossiping about a girl who was just there in the room earlier.
Just having trouble finding people who fit 99% of my standards.
And that's my problem for creating these standards but I refuse accepting the kind of behaviour that harms someone else even if it's just talking behind someone's back.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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I do agree with you on the issues with timing and birthdays, because that's just being polite, along with not talking about someone behind their back. But your issue with finances still bugs me. You don't need to pay anything to hang out with friends... You guys can hang out for free, play sports or something you guys enjoy, or have a bonfire or something. To be honest, I wouldn't join in with you and your friends for the movies, because even that's too expensive for me. I can only imagine what activities you want to do that aren't so "cheap and boring."

I know that probably sounded accusatory, but to be honest I'm really touchy only about the finances issue. I do agree with your motives and intentions for pretty much everything else in finding new friends, so I wish you luck. I've been judged by my own friends for ditching them because I didn't have enough money to do something... So it's a touchy subject for me.

I can be really unforgiving about the not having money thing, but I understand the feeling very well. I enjoy a game in the park or bbq or a simple walk down the streets just as much it does not have to cost a dime to have fun. I have been there, broke and unable to do or get nice things and I found a way, it was taking and keeping a job and lowering my expenses.
While I see others use up all of their money as soon as it's deposited.

I've also come to view as having money in a different light. For instance, on a medium income a person will receive about 500.000 dollars in his or her lifetime roughly estimated and I'm not taking it with me in the afterlife. So what's 10 dollars for a gift to make someone happy or a 1000 for traveling the world experiencing everything life has to offer?
When I'm 80 years old 10 or a 1000 dollars more or less is not going to matter that much anymore, because all you will have left is a life filled with memories and if you're lucky you'll still be able to make some new ones but I know I will regret having not done things I wanted to do out of money restraints.
Tomorrow I can have a stroke and be paralyzed for life for all I know.

I pay for my college, rent and expenses without any financial support and I still have money to spare to do all the things I want to do so I know it's possible I just don't see others making it happen.
 

Thirdlegproduction

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Well, good luck with that! Perhaps you should spend just a little time thinking about what YOU have to offer. The "people who will fit 99% of your standards" may also have their own standards.

I don't fit many people's standard by being blunt, forward and honest if I don't like something someone says or does, like with the gossiping.
I accept and also work on that, by keeping my opinion to myself unless it's asked for these days as it doesn't really matter if it was right or wrong if the person doesn't realise it themselves, my opinion isn't going to change that.

But it has also been a way of reaching out to others who are the same and they recognise and apreciate that and I have befriended some wonderfull people that way.