Extreme Jealousy?

[alwaysguessing]

I was at the grocery store with my girlfriend, heading to checkout, and I went to the first available lane. The cashier was cute. I quickly paid for my stuff and left. I spoke as little as possibe to avoid the perception of flirting, and even avoided eye contact!

As we leave the store my girlfriend is silent and quicly walks ahead of me. I asked what the problem was, and she explained that she was mad because I walked past "two open lanes" to get to the cute cashier. I only remember seeing one open lane, and the customer was sliding her debit card to pay. I figured there was no reason to stand there and wait for her to get her receipt and so forth. So I went to the next lane.

I explained this and she was still mad. Then as we talk about it more, she begins to appear remorseful. She does not apologize for making me feel bad, or admit that she was wrong, but she wishes she didn't have those thoughts. She has been in therapy for about 9 months, and believes that she has "improved" with regards to her jealousy problem. Based on yesterday's interaction, I really don't think she has. At least, not enough.

 

[Enid]

I'm sorry, that sounds tough. It's good that she's attending therapy though.

:kiss:

I voted "she has issues" but if I could re-word it to my liking it'd be "sounds like she may have issues".

 

[Ethyl]

It does sound like a difficult situation. If she does this once in a while it wouldn't be much to worry about, but if you find yourself constantly reassuring her then it's a problem. Maybe you should attend a couple of therapy sessions with her. When it comes to a particular problem, sometimes it's good to hear the other side of the story.

 

[vince]

Date the cashier.

 

[dolfette]

run.

run like the fucking wind.

and stop kidding yourself that ms fruitloop is your responsibility, because she's not.

 

[big_tits4big_dicks]

My friend Jamie will get mad a a fucking bartender for flirting with other girls, or paying other women closer attention than her. It drives me fucking crazy. This sounds like a problem your GF has with herself. I'm no therapist, but if she is that threatened by pretty girls, how are you ever going to go to the beach? A party? If you are tip toeing around and still getting shit, what happens when you decide to be yourself? I say, talk to the cashier, if she gets mad, let her get mad, this is her problem to work through and you helping her to never have to feel those feeling is NOT going to help. If she really thinks you are an asshole for this stuff...goodbye.

 

[sbat]

Therapy? Wtf?

If it takes thousands of dollars to get someone to deal with their emotions in an adult manner some of the time, you're dealing with a lost cause. What about her is worth that kind of money, time and heartache? The sex?

 

[dolfette]

If you are tip toeing around and still getting shit, what happens when you decide to be yourself?

that's the tragic bit.
he can't even go shopping without being scared of her paranoia.
he can't offer basic human respect and politeness to the checkout girl in case fruitloop throws a tantrum.
her issues are already damaging him to the point where he sees even the most ordinary situations as a risk to be managed.

 

[nicenycdick]

Yes...be cold. Do not try to coddle her. I know you have a long-standing relationship with her, with issues that go way back. But if you allow yourself to walk on eggshells because she has issues, then you are enabling her. But you know this. Don't do it. It does not help her...or you.

 

[col1974]

coddling in my opinion makes it worse...been there, done that with an ex.... finding away to be supportive without coddling now that's tough. So what's the reaction going to be if u choose the minger vs. the hottie at a cashiers desk next time, or in this kind of situation, can you never do right in her eyes?

 

[LetsGo2007]

If I had a bf that looked like you, I'd be jealous too. But I'd also be showing you off knowing that the emotional commitment was there and that you weren't going anywhere. If she's that easily provoked...yeah it's not going to get any better unfortunately. Marriage wouldn't solve anything either and would probably make it worse, so don't go down that road unless you're sure she's the one.

 

[alwaysguessing]

Haha, dolfie tells it like it is! As she and others have noted, it's fucked up that I can't even relax in such a neutral setting as the grocery store. In fact, I'm so used to ignoring members of the opposite sex that it's become second nature (only when I'm with the gf). I actually feel bad if we get an attractive waitress at a restaurant, and so on. Yet even though I take extreme caution, she STILL manages to get upset. I think that's the crux of the situation here. What would happen if I acted normal?

Nonetheless, believe me when I say that I no longer think of her as my responsibility. That train came to a stop when I booted her out of my house three months ago. I saw noticable improvement in her attitude after that, but now she is starting to slip back to her old ways. I had hoped that she really was improving, but I'm starting to worry that she might be a lost cause. When she said, in the aftermath of this fiasco, "I think I'm doing a lot better"... that about sent shivers down my spine. If that's better, I'm terrified to know what worse is like. It would have been better if she had just admitted that she still has a lot to work on.

I like sbat's take on therapy. And I wouldn't be dating a girl with these kinds of issues if I hadn't the luck to fall in love with her. But yes, the sex is fantastic, and it's not costing me any time, money, or heartache, at least not anymore. These days, she just comes over to have sex, go out to eat, sleep over, and maybe go to a party once in a while. If she gets on my nerves then the simple solution is to not have her over for a few days.

Ethyl, this might seem like a bad attitude, but I won't go to therapy with her because I believe it is her problem, not mine. Her therapist suggested it and I declined.

Vince, :laugh2:

 

[HiddenLacey]

I voted she has issues. IMO she is insecure, about herself, your relantionship, something. IMO you cannot be with someone and be part of a couple of you cannot deal with simple everyday run-ins with the opposite sex. Not only is she jealous, but she is controling you by acting the way she does.

IMO she needs to get herself together before your relantionship can progress. I would say move on, but holy heck I'm not one to say that when I deal with similiar issues. Goodluck, jealousy can lead to abuse in a partnership.

PS: you have no idea how badly I wanted to select your a womanizing bastard... just because it was so funny when I read it P

 

[alwaysguessing]

I voted she has issues. IMO she is insecure, about herself, your relantionship, something. IMO you cannot be with someone and be part of a couple of you cannot deal with simple everyday run-ins with the opposite sex. Not only is she jealous, but she is controling you by acting the way she does.

IMO she needs to get herself together before your relantionship can progress. I would say move on, but holy heck I'm not one to say that when I deal with similiar issues. Goodluck, jealousy can lead to abuse in a partnership.

It already has. She wailed on me a few times in the beginning of the relationship. I told her to never do it again or we were done, and she stopped.

With the recent discussion about settling, I'm starting to wonder if I'm in denial about that. I want to believe that she can improve with therapy and life experience, but it seems more hopeless as time goes on. Some people have told me that no amount of therapy can ever cure this jealousy. I suppose that is possible. What a bunch of stupid nonsense. I don't get why people can't just straighten out and be normal and happy, even when they have every opportunity. Maybe I should just consider myself lucky that I don't have these problems myself.

 

[HiddenLacey]

It already has. She wailed on me a few times in the beginning of the relationship. I told her to never do it again or we were done, and she stopped.

With the recent discussion about settling, I'm starting to wonder if I'm in denial about that. I want to believe that she can improve with therapy and life experience, but it seems more hopeless as time goes on. Some people have told me that no amount of therapy can ever cure this jealousy. I suppose that is possible. What a bunch of stupid nonsense. I don't get why people can't just straighten out and be normal and happy, even when they have every opportunity. Maybe I should just consider myself lucky that I don't have these problems myself.

That is NOT ok! Physical violence should have been the end of your relantionship IMO. Emotional abuse is easier to hide.

I am a firm believer that people do not change unless they have some type of life altering event. I cannot tell you what to do. All I can say is this, as time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to let go of someone even when you know they might not change or may not be right for you. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. You have to try to figure out what is best for you and how much more of your life you are willing to give to her.

Regardless of you two not living together or whatever, she is still your girlfriend and she is controling that aspect of your life. Eventually you may begin to wonder if the things she says to you are true. Don't join some of us that have spent years placating our other half because we love them.

 

[sbat]

I like sbat's take on therapy. And I wouldn't be dating a girl with these kinds of issues if I hadn't the luck to fall in love with her. But yes, the sex is fantastic, and it's not costing me any time, money, or heartache, at least not anymore. These days, she just comes over to have sex, go out to eat, sleep over, and maybe go to a party once in a while. If she gets on my nerves then the simple solution is to not have her over for a few days.

Ethyl, this might seem like a bad attitude, but I won't go to therapy with her because I believe it is her problem, not mine. Her therapist suggested it and I declined.

Vince, :laugh2:

I knew it! Number 1 reason why a man with options sticks with a nutcase girlfriend. Number 2 being he got her pregnant*


*See reason Number 1

 

[Enid]

If I had a bf that looked like you, I'd be jealous too.

I don't really think looks have anything to do with it, though. I can't fathom developing jealousy solely because one's significant other is insanely hot (I don't and my partner is).

I think she sounds unbalanced. This is the same one that threatened suicide once upon a time, right?

 

[OCMuscleJock]

I'd say run...and run fast. Jealousy is a form of mistrust. If there are trust issues in a relationship...they will always be there. Not saying you did something wrong...but usually if someone is accusing you of something like that either they are doing it themselves or someone close to them did and they are still hurting from that. Even if you think those issues are over...they will always remain and will surface if ANYTHING ever happens.

 

[alwaysguessing]

I don't really think looks have anything to do with it, though. I can't fathom developing jealousy solely because one's significant other is insanely hot (I don't and my partner is).

I think she sounds unbalanced. This is the same one that threatened suicide once upon a time, right?

Yes, exactly.


Oh, she better not get pregnant... but if she did I wouldn't stay with her anyway.


I guess it's hard to know when to give up. Right now things are mostly enjoyable. In fact, my relationship seems like way more fun than some of my friends are having (esp. the married ones). I think I will know when it's time to give up, if it comes to that. I think it will make sense to me then.


OC, her ex bf regularly cheated on her and was extremely controlling of her. But that was almost 10 years ago, and I'm a totally different person than him. I think she should be able to get over it by now.

 

[helgaleena]

What are you still doing with this person, when she has hit you and also is making you 'walk on eggshells'? It was a mistake to let her back in your life the first time. Something about her must be a mere convenience to you, but that is not fair to either one of you. Stop pretending there is any reason for you two to continue.

BTW I voted 'par for the course'. Live and learn from this.