Extreme Jealousy?

[alwaysguessing]

Hopefully her therapy will progress enough that she will realize he's just using her for sex and dump him, OR... the OP may actually discover he loves her just as she is, insecure clingy tantrums and all.

That's interesting. There is no option for her to actually solve her jealousy issues? Is it impossible for her to mature? She is 24 by the way.

Unfortunately I cannot join her in therapy because it could affect my job.

If I try to end the relationship, she gets suicidal, and the rest of her life falls apart.

I don't seem to have any options, but to support her and wait for improvement, or wait until sbat's astute prediction comes to fruition.

 

[sbat]

That's interesting. There is no option for her to actually solve her jealousy issues? Is it impossible for her to mature? She is 24 by the way.

Unfortunately I cannot join her in therapy because it could affect my job.

If I try to end the relationship, she gets suicidal, and the rest of her life falls apart.

I don't seem to have any options, but to support her and wait for improvement, or wait until sbat's astute prediction comes to fruition.

Dude, the suicidal bit is a ploy to guilt you into staying with her. It's a bluff. She'd say anything and do anything to compell you to stay. It would take a hardcore nutjob to actually kill herself over it.

 

[nicenycdick]

Always...it might sound callous, but you can not continue a relationship simply because someone threatens to commit suicide if you leave. And I say this with the clear understanding that she may actually mean it! If you stay with her for that reason, you will then be trapped in her world, as crazy as it is. You must not do this. You owe it to yourself to live the life YOU choose to live. I think it was wise and courageous for you to ask her to leave the house. But as long as her disease continues to negatively affect your life, you are imprisoned along with her in the sick world she has created. You are well past the time to make a decision on this and you have ONLY two choices: accept her for what she is and make it your life...or leave her and accept whatever consequences that decision may bring.



Think carefully...

 

[petite]

run.

run like the fucking wind.

and stop kidding yourself that ms fruitloop is your responsibility, because she's not.

Listen to Dolfette.

Yes...be cold. Do not try to coddle her. I know you have a long-standing relationship with her, with issues that go way back. But if you allow yourself to walk on eggshells because she has issues, then you are enabling her. But you know this. Don't do it. It does not help her...or you.

Listen to nicenycdick.

That's interesting. There is no option for her to actually solve her jealousy issues? Is it impossible for her to mature? She is 24 by the way.

Unfortunately I cannot join her in therapy because it could affect my job.

If I try to end the relationship, she gets suicidal, and the rest of her life falls apart.

I don't seem to have any options, but to support her and wait for improvement, or wait until sbat's astute prediction comes to fruition.

Leave her.

She's blaming all of this on something that happened when she was 14/15 years old and now she's 24? No, she's not going to change.

Dude, the suicidal bit is a ploy to guilt you into staying with her. It's a bluff. She'd say anything and do anything to compell you to stay. It would take a hardcore nutjob to actually kill herself over it.

Listen to sbat. It's just another way for her to control you.

 

[dolfette]

If I try to end the relationship, she gets suicidal, and the rest of her life falls apart.

I don't seem to have any options, but to support her and wait for improvement, or wait until sbat's astute prediction comes to fruition.

stop being the victim.
if she loses it then she has parents & medical pros.
dump her. tell her parents. stop pandering to blackmail.

 

[helgaleena]

alwaysguessing, suicide threat is more than just 'insecure clingy tantrum'. Take it from one who has been suicidal. You are harming both of you the longer you prolong things. That is not a loving thing to threaten somebody with.

 

[alwaysguessing]

fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Really though, it seems that she has made huge progress since we have been together. She's traded up from a shitty job where she used to be overworked and underappreciated. She's actually made friends and goes out with them and confides in them. She got a new doctor and weened herself off unwarranted medication, which had reduced her to a physical and emotional wreck. She finally began therapy. And next week she is moving into an apartment and living on her own for the first time in her life.

I encouraged all of this, if I didn't actually force it to happen. The next step was that I wanted her to get a college education. I offered to pay for everything, and let her quit work and live in my house while I took care of all the bills. I believe her parents convinced her to fight back against that, so I asked her to move out. I figured I had done all I could do, and the rest was up to her. We decided to maintain our relationship because we enjoy each other's company, we have a great sexual relationship, and we are not interested in seeing or sleeping with other people. The other factor is that she needs at least one person in her life that truly cares about her and wants her to be happy and secure.

I can't let her life go to shit and have her retreat back to her parents. They are useless parents. The only thing they want for her is to get her married off. They don't give a shit about her education, mental or physical health, social development, or anything that might provide her with confidence and self-respect. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised if they actually want her to be a needy, submissive, insecure little girl, because it will attract the kind of guy that wants someone to take care of. Unfortunately, there is a good chance that it would attract a controlling and abusive husband as well.

I feel that I can never stop loving her, and even if we managed to separate, and I found someone that I could be happy with, I would always worry about her. I believe that if I were to hear of her years later, suffering in an unhealthy relationship, I would feel a need to save her, and by that point I wouldn't be able to. I don't know how I could be happy in my own relationship if I'm constantly worrying about her. Of course I don't really know for sure that it would happen that way, but at this point I'm not ready to risk it.

This thread was really just to get some opinions on her jealousy issues, but I appreciate the advice on the other aspects of the relationship too. I'm sure that a lot of you know what you are talking about, and can take a more realistic view of my situation than I can, but it seems too difficult to make the decision to end it when you are actually in it.

 

[HiddenLacey]

I'm sure that a lot of you know what you are talking about, and can take a more realistic view of my situation than I can, but it seems too difficult to make the decision to end it when you are actually in it.

Exactly! You have to do this at your own pace. If your content to spend your life looking out for her, then do it. Just remember that it does get harder to let go as time goes by. She does sound like she has made some great changes. All because of you. But in some ways you are her crutch. Without you she would crumble? That in itself is not good. What is going to happen when you are not there for her one day? Or have you just made the decision to always be there?

 

[dolfette]

you're doooomed :smile:

 

[petite]

I'm at risk of projecting my own feelings about my past experiences onto your relationship, which would be wrong. You have a different relationship with a different person. So I'm going to share a little bit of my experience with you and let you chew it over.

I have said before that I chose to stay in one relationship and that one was a mistake and I regret that I did because it never improved and feel like I stayed for years too long? I was in a relationship with an exceptionally jealous person who was also in therapy for it. Everything in our relationship got better over time, just like you're describing, except for the irrational and extreme jealousy, which never got better. He had paranoid personality disorder. His paranoia made him see actions, motivations, and meaningful things in totally meaningless events. A man would pass on the sidewalk and I'd glance at him, as people do when they're passing, and he'd see a "look" that indicated that we were once lovers or we're still lovers or that I had just "flirted" or something else that's totally delusional. Your description of your grocery store visit and the argument afterward sounded exactly like my experiences with him. There was nothing that anyone could do about it. If you research the disorder, you'll find that the prognosis is not good. People with the disorder don't get better. This was my experience, and his jealousy and controlling behavior were harmful to me and made me deeply unhappy and I was eventually I wasn't willing to wait any longer for him to change.

I've never dated a jealous man since then. If a man doesn't know that I won't stray, he doesn't know me and he isn't worth it.

Here are some links about it. I don't know if this describes your girlfriend, but if it does, I recommend getting out as soon as you can. I wish I had.

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Paranoid personality disorder - dose, children, causes, DSM, effects, therapy, paranoia, withdrawal, person, people, used, medication, effect, women, health, traits, mood, Definition

Prognosis

Paranoid personality disorder is often a chronic, lifelong condition; the long-term prognosis is usually not encouraging. Feelings of paranoia, however, can be controlled to a degree with successful therapy. Unfortunately, many patients suffer the major symptoms of the disorder throughout their lives.

 

[dolfette]

my sis just wasted 5 years of her life on a guy who sounds a lot like your girl, and she's come out of it with nothing.
i knew there was nothing but trouble ahead when she said to me, near the start, ''haven't you ever just wanted to fix someone though?''
she introduced him to culture, encouraged him into a better job, dragged him along to the doctor's & AA meetings and eventually suffered a complete mental breakdownof her own, because walking on eggshells 24/7 severely damages your mental health.

now she's in therapy to get over the damage it did her.

honestly, i just see this as a sad waste of your youth/life.

 

[HiddenLacey]

my sis just wasted 5 years of her life on a guy who sounds a lot like your girl, and she's come out of it with nothing.
i knew there was nothing but trouble ahead when she said to me, near the start, ''haven't you ever just wanted to fix someone though?''
she introduced him to culture, encouraged him into a better job, dragged him along to the doctor's & AA meetings and eventually suffered a complete mental breakdownof her own, because walking on eggshells 24/7 severely damages your mental health.

now she's in therapy to get over the damage it did her.

honestly, i just see this as a sad waste of your youth/life.

I'm starting to think around 5 years is a breaking point.

 

[sbat]

you're doooomed :smile:

Yup. Classic case of the Hero Complex.

Question...since you feel bound to her, and will no doubt feel guilted into supporting her for the long term, what kind of mother do you think she'd make for your kids?

 

[dolfette]

I'm starting to think around 5 years is a breaking point.

even strong, balanced people can only take so much.

 

[petite]

I'm starting to think around 5 years is a breaking point.

My breaking point is 2 years. Around two years is when I think that it's been long enough to really evaluate the long term potential of a relationship and I ask myself, "Am I going to be staying with this person forever?"

The answer was always, "No." With that guy, the answer was, "Hell no!"

 

[sbat]

My breaking point is 2 years. Around two years is when I think that it's been long enough to really evaluate the long term potential of a relationship and I ask myself, "Am I going to be staying with this person forever?"

The answer was always, "No." With that guy, the answer was, "Hell no!"

2 years? That long? Really?

 

[petite]

2 years? That long? Really?

If it lasts that long, then yeah, two years is when I either decide to commit to the idea of forever or end it. It's not a rule I thought out beforehand, it's just what happens. That's my "breaking point" if there are issues, and it's also the moment when I think, "Is this relationship worth another year or not?" Before then, I'm just enjoying the relationship day by day.

 

[alwaysguessing]

petite, thank you for that information. I will have to look into that. If therapy does not provide satisfactory results within another year or so, I will probably involve myself so I can gain greater understanding of these problems.

She does sound like she has made some great changes. All because of you. But in some ways you are her crutch. Without you she would crumble? That in itself is not good. What is going to happen when you are not there for her one day? Or have you just made the decision to always be there?

I understand how it might seem this way, and I cannot deny this with confidence, but I would like to think that she has become stronger on her own, and more confident in herself.

I tend to believe that I will always be there for her, but I don't want her to know that. That's why I won't marry her. Once she feels that she can depend on me to take care of her forever, she will stop trying, then all will be lost. There must be some uncertainty to force her to be prepared to take care of herself. Even if I wanted to take care of her forever, I could never promise it, because I could die anytime or simply become overwhelmed with my own problems, and she would be left alone with no resources to fend for herself. I shudder to think of what might happen then.

Question...since you feel bound to her, and will no doubt feel guilted into supporting her for the long term, what kind of mother do you think she'd make for your kids?

Not a good one at this point, maybe not ever. I don't feel that I have to have kids. To get pregnant she would have to remove her ring when she is not with me, and steal condoms from the trash on a regular basis, or cheat. If she managed that, I would tell her that we can no longer continue to be involved. At that point my child (if it is mine) would take priority over her, and I would see no more responsibility towards her beyond that which would benefit my kid.

honestly, i just see this as a sad waste of your youth/life.

I really do appreciate your concern, but I'm afraid that you are right. I am doomed.

I read this at the start of the relationship, and I thought it was a sad way to view love. Sad but true.

Kahlil Gibran on Love (ignore the god stuff)

 

[sbat]

I read this at the start of the relationship, and I thought it was a sad way to view love. Sad but true.

Kahlil Gibran on Love (ignore the god stuff)

Sorry, that shit ain't love. That's sadomasochism. We all get attached to the things that get us off, so it's easy to confuse

 

[HiddenLacey]

Thank you for sharing that, it reminds me of a bible verse.

This is my favorite part

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love."