F input sought: addressing erection/stamina problems

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by playerclient, Jun 11, 2011.

  1. playerclient

    playerclient New Member

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    Women, I'd like your advice on how to handle addressing some issues with a new partner. Maybe some men have faced similar issues.

    I used to have no problems getting and maintaining an erection. Girlfriend's complimented me on my stamina.

    That all changed when I became severely depressed, which has lasted for almost 10 years now, but is seemingly greatly diminished. The medications I was on interfered significantly. I haven't functioned normally sexually since 2003, and have had only one 5 month GF in that time and attempted casual sex a couple of times 18 months ago. With the ex-GF from 5 years ago and the attempted casual sex (one time I got hard, the other I didn’t) I suffered doubly: troubling getting & staying hard and coming way too fast when I could get hard.

    I anticipate becoming sexual with someone I went out with once and will see again, whom I find extremely attractive, in perhaps the next week.

    I don't know what my functioning will be like since it's been so long since I've tried to have sex, so long since I've functioned adequately, and now that I'm off some meds and others have been cut back.

    I mostly worry that I won't have much stamina. I think I'll need to retrain my body to read my arousal and adjust so that I can hold off coming until I want because I haven't really had a serious sex life in so many years.

    I have a Cialis Rx. I've taken 10mg on 2 different occasions when alone to see how it affected me. It greatly increased my sex drive--multiple masturbation sessions in one day (2-4), no trouble with erections, and the effects lasted for up to 4 days, tapering off. I don’t know if I’ll need it, but at least I have it. But I don’t think it will help with the stamina issue.

    I'm thinking that if we get to the point where we're about to have intercourse that I want to comment on my history to let her know that my performance will probably not be so great. I have no reason to believe that I won't get my stamina back with enough "practice," but I'm sure it will take a while.

    What do you think of me saying something like, “I’ve had some problems due to medications that I’ve been on, but there have been changes in that, and I haven’t had sex in a longtime, so I’m not sure how well I’ll function now. It might take me a while to get things back in order, but I really want you right now. Just want you to know there might some issues, and they don’t have anything to do with you.” ? What would be a good way to address this? It’s really embarrassing coming so quickly (a couple of minutes) when I used to be able to last a really long time whenever I wanted.

    Thanks.
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

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    You know Rob (site owner) really needs to hurry up with the 'Ask a Woman' subforum - this isn't a women's issue but I totally understand why you posted it here and, as I keep asking for the Ask a Woman subforum, I'm obviously not going to ignore your question.

    It's a tough situation and I'm actually in two minds about what to say.

    My gut reaction, putting myself in the place of the woman, is that I would want the evening to flow normally, the sex to happen normally and the explanation to come after (whether it is needed or not).

    BUT, having read what you're thinking of saying, I also think that what you have to say is well put and that it might help reduce your anxiety a lot to say it, to have it out in the open. That way, for you, the sex can be about whatever is happening and not about her expectations (or at least your anxiety about her expectation).

    The argument for not saying anything is that you keep the spontaneity of the situation - the upside to that is that she is not going to feel you rehearsed for fucking her. A lot of women don't like to feel a man came to the dinner table with one eye on the bedroom door. Personally I'm fine with one eye on the bedroom door because that's where my mind is too. Your friend may not be like that. The downside to that is your anxiety is going to be high anyway, made higher by concerns that she is expecting a 'normal' fuck (there's no such thing, but you know what I mean) and you are worried you can't give her that. The higher your anxiety the more likely there will be an issue.

    The argument for saying something, well, I covered that above. Upside, you have some pressure taken off you. Downside, unknown - What kind of person is she? Do you know her well? Can you gauge her reaction at all? Have you discussed the depression issues with her at all? Hopefully she's capable of empathy and will understand your need to say something. I know I'd be totally OK with it, but I can't speak for anyone else.

    So, in summary, yes - say something, and the wording you have planned is pretty good. I think your need to be open about this is important. Timing could be crucial. You don't want to say it before it is clear sex is on the cards or she might take offence at the assumption. You don't want to say it when your cock is in her mouth either. Get her home, make out for a while and find a moment before any clothes start coming off. Hopefully you'll know the moment when you see it - just don't preface it with 'I have something to tell you.' No one wants to hear that, it's scary. Your issues are not scary, they are totally normal and many, many men have the same issues.

    It also might be no harm to add, in a flirtatious, half-jokey way, that the meds never had a bad effect on your fingers or tongue - or, if not exactly that, to let her know you want to satisfy her in whatever way works for her. Because after all, sex is about so much more than tab A goes in slot B.

    I hope it works out for you and you both have a good time.
     
  3. dolfette

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    if the woman is as cool and wonderful as i am, she'll be flattered that you trust her enough to be open and talk to her about this.
     
  4. playerclient

    playerclient New Member

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    Ack! I did it even though I see guys post stuff that doesn't belong here all the time. Yes, this should be elsewhere, but I'm not quite sure where else to put it. "ask a woman" is indeed needed given how common these type of questions are.
    Well, the discussion wouldn't get into the details of the depression at all.
    It just seems like it's common enough these days for someone to be/have been on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med that I'd expect someone like her (or any woman I'd be interested in--very intelligent, well-educated, open-minded, 40+) to be accepting of it, sans knowing how serious it has been for me in the past. Since the introduction of Prozac, taking those things has gone mainstream and the taboo is much less than in the past. So, a passing reference with more of an emphasis on the "haven't had an ongoing sexual relationship in many years="sexually out of practice" would be in order.
    Actually, I have no problem saying it when my cock is in her mouth, literally. It's an intercourse issue (or if I have problems getting hard with oral, I'd bring it up when that "fail" happens), and I don't feel like I have to preface any sexual contact with essentially saying, "It's likely I won't last very long and I might not get hard" if we (try to) fuck. As you note there are all sorts of things that 2 can do, and I virtually always perform serious oral on a woman before getting to intercourse (I've heard that it's a great way to get a woman going (and off) and ready and wanting/craving to be penetrated :wink:--I kind of think of receiving oral as being the "main event" for a woman given how so many women come best/most that way and don't from fucking), so as we'd get to the point of fucking, most likely she'll have already had multiple orgasms already. As far as joking about it, I think a "Since you're so hot and have me so turned on that I don't think I can last long" comment is most like something I'd say.
    Thanks for the good comments and advice.
     
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