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Failing at Being Gay

SomeGuyOverThere

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[Welcome to another episode of "Someguy Being a Miserable Bastard"]

So I kind of fail at being gay. Not in the "Failing to find men attractive" but at the "Failing to get laid/have a relationship" thing.

I've tried expanding my social circle to find partners (and I have succeeded in getting friends) but the gay guys I know I either wouldn't touch with somebody else's barge pole or are closeted and a bad idea.

I've tried online dating, but all I seem to get is men old enough to be my dad, or guys I really have nothing in common with.

Finally I've tried the local gay bars. Unfortunately I'm totally non-scene. I just don't understand the gay scene at all. I don't identify with it or hold any of the same values, and I come across as totally straight.

It's really getting me down now - one of my greatest fears is dieing old and alone. The worst thing is that I've had several really cool girls fall for me in the last couple of years, but I have really specific tastes in women and I prefer guys.

Argh. Depression time :(
 
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Gecko4lif

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So pretty much your a typical guy.

I had been under the impression it was much easier for gay guys to get laid
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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So pretty much your a typical guy.

I had been under the impression it was much easier for gay guys to get laid

Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.

I, unfortunately, am not.
 

Gecko4lif

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Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.

I, unfortunately, am not.
AHAHA damn. Yeah man join the club.

So is it a physical appearance issue or is it a social prowess thing?
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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AHAHA damn. Yeah man join the club.

So is it a physical appearance issue or is it a social prowess thing?

I used to be down about my looks but I know a few people who think i'm hot, so I'm ok with them now.

I think it's a social compatibility thing. I think my standards are in some respects too high - I always seem to see people's flaws. Maybe I'm just a judgmental fuck, but I'll notice things like for example, somebody having a really bad posture, and once I notice that (i.e. after a second of observing the person) I can't unsee that flaw and it becomes hard to find them attractive.

I have pretty high intelligence requirements. I'm fairly intelligent, and I feel bad about having sex with somebody who I think is a lot less intelligent than I am, because I feel that I'm dominating them. But I also have difficulty being interested in people who can't challenge me mentally. :(

Also, I'm a weird guy, I know that. I find certain things interesting (like history, politics, philosophy, science, computers) that most people just don't. So I rarely find people with the same interests as me.
 

cody6482

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Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.


Hmm...This "old guy" seems to have the same problems you are having!
 

sykray

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I can identify with your situation. When I was your age I could find one-night-stands with guys but maybe my standards were lower than yours. However, I rarely found guys on the gay scene.
All of my significant partners got together with me from general socialising and common interests. Though it must be said that I was always fairly open about being gay.
Be patient. Mr Suitable (if not Mr Right) will come your way.
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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Wow. I think me and you need to hook up. Seriously.

This more in reference to your initial post moreso than the latter that I have quoted above. This would be great if you where in London... I am assuming not as that would just be too good to be true.

SEAN
Hey Sean, I'm in Aberdeen I'm afraid. Bit of a trek. :(


Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.


Hmm...This "old guy" seems to have the same problems you are having!

Haha, I'm sure there are plenty of good looking older guys out there, it's just from my perspective they're always spamming me with requests for sex. I just don't find guys outside of my age bracket (i.e. 20-30) attractive.

I can identify with your situation. When I was your age I could find one-night-stands with guys but maybe my standards were lower than yours. However, I rarely found guys on the gay scene.
All of my significant partners got together with me from general socialising and common interests. Though it must be said that I was always fairly open about being gay.
Be patient. Mr Suitable (if not Mr Right) will come your way.

That's maybe also an issue. I just don't really view my sexuality as anyone else's business (unless I want to get in their pants and/or vica versa), so although my friends know, I don't really announce it to people.
 

wonderme

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I used to be down about my looks but I know a few people who think i'm hot, so I'm ok with them now.

I think it's a social compatibility thing. I think my standards are in some respects too high - I always seem to see people's flaws. Maybe I'm just a judgmental fuck, but I'll notice things like for example, somebody having a really bad posture, and once I notice that (i.e. after a second of observing the person) I can't unsee that flaw and it becomes hard to find them attractive.

I have pretty high intelligence requirements. I'm fairly intelligent, and I feel bad about having sex with somebody who I think is a lot less intelligent than I am, because I feel that I'm dominating them. But I also have difficulty being interested in people who can't challenge me mentally. :(

Also, I'm a weird guy, I know that. I find certain things interesting (like history, politics, philosophy, science, computers) that most people just don't. So I rarely find people with the same interests as me.

I'm pretty much in the same boat :frown1: Just got to find a solution I suppose.. :redface:
 
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I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Your standards don't sound too high. You just have to find people you like. I'd suggest going to events, places, clubs, etc for history, politics, and the other things you mentioned. There are a lot of not-so-great people in the world, you just have to find the good ones and stick with them
 

Bbucko

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I'm not entirely sure how to approach this one, but I'll give it a whack anyway.

1) I did a quick Wikipedia search for Aberdeen, as I've never been to Scotland. With approximately 217,000 people, it's not all that big. This is a factor because smaller cities have a less diverse population, and this can limit the pool of available guys. I've always preferred living in larger cities at least in part because there are more things to do and potential people to meet; smaller cities can be cliquey, too.

2) You mention that you're not a submissive, so I'm gonna presume that you're more of a top than a bottom: correct me if I'm wrong. As a non-versatile top myself, I found that my credibility as such increased dramatically once I got into my later 20s. It's a sad fact of life that younger tops can have a much harder time being accepted; it's assumed that younger guys are bottoms, unfortunately.

3) The scene, especially in bars and clubs, is extremely superficial, which is why it only appeals to a small part of the over-all gay population. There are lots and lots of guys who simply choose not to compete on such shallow terms: you are hardly alone in this regard, trust me.

4) You say you've had poor luck with on-line dating. IME, your luck on-line will only be as good as your profile allows. You need to be extremely specific (not rude, but very, very specific) about whom you're looking for (age, body type, interests, sexual role, etc). If your profile is written very broadly you're bound to get more unwanted replies than ones you'd like. And, again, going back to my first point: the bigger the pond the more fish will be swimming.

5) Are there any local gay sports teams like football or rugby (or even bowling)? These are great venues for meeting guys who aren't scene queens. You might want to explore that as an option.

6) You seem very idealistic, which is great. But unless you're willing to compromise some or modify your approach, you'll be stuck where you are, and clearly that's not working. I met my most recent partner only because I went outside my comfort zone in a whole lot of ways, and it lasted nine years. In the end, we didn't break up because of any of my initial compromises, and we were extremely happy for at least the first five years.
 
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92philip

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I like attractive, masculine, straight ish men. However, we probably don't live near each other. Hang in there, there is someone out there you just have to really widen out.
 

poultrygeist

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This is the human condition.

Everyone has the same problem finding that special someone. You will find them most likely if you stop looking. It's freaking zen or something. Kind of like when you lose your keys and everywhere you look they're not there. You drive yourself crazy looking every single place you can think of, but they're not there. Finally when you just about give up, you find them in plain sight after hours of searching. It's like they found you. Don't settle for just anyone, be vigilant for signs of the right person, and don't force it no matter what and you'll find happiness.

Guarantee it.
 

Fallingpants

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MY GOD! OP are you my twin?? :)
I'm in the exact same boat as you, currently in my mid twenties and going through the same concerns of not being able to find someone suitable because I can't let go of visible flaws or my perceived high standards. I also look for a high level of intellect in a partner but have yet to come across another gay guy who I connect with well enough for my interests to stick.
Also doesn't help that I've gotten use to being surrounded by a straight crowd and find that I fall for straight guys and less so for other gay people. I like to think positively about the whole thing by keeping in mind that I still have myself and my interests, but it does get lonely from time to time :(
 

buzzrider7

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Hey SomeGuy, your post describes me perfectly also - I think you should start a club! I've been getting down lately as well so I totally get where you're coming from. For now, it at least looks like you're in good company!
 

Charles Finn

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all I can tell you is hang in there
yes i have been very lucky with lovers and friends and yes sex too
I am now 44 balding about 20 pounds more than I want to be but guess what I still love myself and I do have a partner that is 77 so what. he loves me for me
 

exwhyzee

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It's really getting me down now - one of my greatest fears is dieing old and alone.

I think there is opportunity to work on developing a new perspective on this fear. Being alone isn't terrible. You get to do what you want, when you want, how you want. Learn to enjoy your own company so that when you find some guy who is a jerk you won't settle for letting him into your life just for the sake of having a companion. There are many people in long-term relationships that are terribly unhappy.

Be patient. Mr Suitable (if not Mr Right) will come your way.

This is a kind and pleasant sentiment...but sometimes Mr. Suitable just doesn't cut it.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Your standards don't sound too high. You just have to find people you like. I'd suggest going to events, places, clubs, etc for history, politics, and the other things you mentioned. There are a lot of not-so-great people in the world, you just have to find the good ones and stick with them

Maybe taking this approach...in terms of developing a great circle of friends...is better. Sex is fun and all...but sex with the wrong person can be disastrous, in my experience...both in terms of your needs/expectations and theirs.

Treat yourself well. Don't settle for letting nutcases into your life. Being lonesome can hurt, but it also has advantages. Sex can be great, but there are a lot of hurting people in the world who get laid as much as they want. Keep an open mind.
 

D_Woody Wilson

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Expand your social circle. There are plenty of guys who are smart, young, handsome and available. Check University.. Go where the people you might like might congregate. Set up your own club..
Personally, I found my guy when I was 34, 6 months after I consciously stopped looking, and we've been together 19 years now.
Good luck.
 

youngthirdleg

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I'm afraid my solution would involve getting your ass outta Aberdeen, its pretty much in the middle of nowhere, I agree Aberdeen is a really small city so you are bound not to find many gay guys, let alone people that have your main interests.

I'd try and move to a city that is more culturally stimulating like Glasgow or Edinburgh, both have amazing places for gay people to hang out, although London is by far a city FOR gay people, there are clubs for manly gay guys and the more 'intellectual' gay guys and don't get down about the gay 'scene' it can be very different from one place to another, smaller cities tend to have a more bitchy and threatening ones.

Also you CAN be fussy, as we all have standards, its how we respect ourselves, but you are bound to not find your perfect partner. I found I was lowering my standards having lived in a small city, I did feel like there aren't many handsome men out there, but things can be unexpected and that is what is great about life, just let your hair down, first impressions aren't everything.
 

TomCat84

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Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.

I, unfortunately, am not.

This attitude is probably why you can't find a relationship. You sound like a bitter queen. :rolleyes: You need to realize that your shit stinks too. As long as you walk around thinking it doesn't- guys will pick up on that, at least the relationship material ones. You need to realize that in your A-Z list of preferences, you are NEVER going to find A-Z with ANYONE, and you WILL die old and alone. You need to realize that you may be able to get A-M, skip N-P, then get Q-Z in a guy. So, first thing's first, stop thinking you're above everyone else.

(PS Was I really the ONLY poster here who wasn't completely put off by the OP's nasty attitude?)
 
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belowaverage1

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Finding someone happens when it happens. Put yourself out there, let it be known that you're gay, find someone that's attractive to you, pursue them, make it happen.

And ditto to the comment about getting laid by old fat guys.
 

silvertriumph2

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Hi Scotty...

As others have posted....and I join them...we are ver much alike...so I know what you are experiencing.

First, let me say...DO NOT LOWER YOU STANDARDS....keep looking for what you desire in a person, for to do otherwise
would just not do and would be wrong.

However, you might think of some compromises, since diversity,
instead of a cookie-cutter of yourself...might be more
exciting and interesting in the long run. Some new interests that
the other could bring into the relationship might be the glue that
binds.

You are still young and have a lot of living and loving to do. I know it's difficult when your harmones and testosterone are raging and driving you crazy, but...it will come, just be patient.

Take your interests and run with it....how about joining a club for those interested in history, science, computers, etc.? Or a gym or running club? Bars are not the only place to meet people...I personally hate them.

Btw...you came down pretty hard on older, not so attractive people. I think you should think about this attitude, for it is not attractive and may be holding you back. I am not saying to not think this way, but think beyond the physical....you may miss something very nice that is hidden from obvious view...

Maybe you should stop looking so hard and let them find you...:biggrin: Sometimes Mr. Right is just around the next corner...that you haven't come to yet...

Good luck...happy hunting...
 
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remiel

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Plenty of people out there have the same interests as you! I like about more than half of those subjects, and I know tons of others, regardless of sexuality, who also do!

And part of being or coming off as attractive is actually believing yourself to be attractive. Not merely being okay with it because others have found you attractive in the past or currently do. I have made this mistake before, but all it really did for me was confirm what I already thought about myself, so in that way it wasn't exactly detrimental. And try to be a little less judgmental of potential boyfriends! If you find something negative about the person, follow it up with a positive!

Anyway, cheer up! Things will start to look up for you eventually. Just give it time. You're only 24! Some people don't find the right person, or anybody for that matter, until 30! But I'd like to remind you that love (or whatever else you're looking for) never comes when you're looking for it...it comes when you're not and when it's most convenient for you to be in love, haha. Good luck with everything!
 
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Just hang in there, it will happen one day without you even realising it. It definitely cannot be forced
 

poultrygeist

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I don't know if it helps, but I have noticed something that may or may not be coincidental. It seems that a lot of guys these days who are in their 40's and 50's have indicated that in their 20's they automatically ruled out guys that were in their 40's and 50's. I don't think being older and more mature is such a bad thing. But then when I was in my 20's I didn't rule out anyone based on age. The men I prefer tend to be more in shape, just because healthy people are like minded and tend to take care of themselves. It's not just a visual thing. But age is irrespective to me for the most part, and is neither something that I seek out or avoid solely on principle.
 

tomma

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I used to be down about my looks but I know a few people who think i'm hot, so I'm ok with them now.

I think it's a social compatibility thing. I think my standards are in some respects too high - I always seem to see people's flaws. Maybe I'm just a judgmental fuck, but I'll notice things like for example, somebody having a really bad posture, and once I notice that (i.e. after a second of observing the person) I can't unsee that flaw and it becomes hard to find them attractive.

I have pretty high intelligence requirements. I'm fairly intelligent, and I feel bad about having sex with somebody who I think is a lot less intelligent than I am, because I feel that I'm dominating them. But I also have difficulty being interested in people who can't challenge me mentally. :(

Also, I'm a weird guy, I know that. I find certain things interesting (like history, politics, philosophy, science, computers) that most people just don't. So I rarely find people with the same interests as me.


You and I are very similar and i completely understand your dilema.