Failing at Being Gay

[TomCat84]

SGOT, I tend to agree with TomCat. You sound a lot too choosy.

Maybe I just have a promiscuous attractiveness meter, but I'll never understand the boxes people put up around what they are WILLING to find attractive. You ONLY like guys around your age, because somehow that number 30 magically makes men less attractive. HOW? I'm 32, and I look nearly exactly the same as I did when I was 28. Really, I haven't changed that much in 4 years. Still, when I was 28 I fell within your age-restriction parameters, and now I do not. It sounds a lot like you're cutting out a significant number of potential partners simply because of some preconceived notion of what you think you should find attractive.

I suggest you lighten up on yourself a little. Meet people, and judge them on a per-person basis. Lumping them into groups based on your parameters is only limiting you to an exactly perfect idea of a mate who likely doesn't exist. Get out there. If you like smart guys, join some message boards for smart guys - at least one of them is bound to be gay. If you like sports, join some amateur sports leagues - at least one of your team mates is bound to be gay. Open your mind to the possibility that Mr. Right might not be what you expect. Amazing things happen in ways we never expect they could. You just have to approach life with an open mind, and life will open her heart to you and happiness will follow.

This. When I was single, I did have somewhat of an age range, but it was never exact.

OP: Some people here have suggested lowering your standards. That's not quite what you need to do. But you DO need to realize that NOBODY is going to satisfy ALL of your requirements. You can go for 90% even- but 100% is ALWAYS going to be impossible.

 

[MeinTeil]

This is the human condition.

Everyone has the same problem finding that special someone. You will find them most likely if you stop looking. It's freaking zen or something. [...] Don't settle for just anyone, be vigilant for signs of the right person, and don't force it no matter what and you'll find happiness.

Guarantee it.

From personal experience, this is utter horseshit.

"Putting myself out there"? Done. Results? Nothing.
"Stop looking, let it happen." Tried that too. Results? Nothing.

OP, the solution to your problem is to have good looks or get money. Unfortunate but true.

 

[silvertriumph2]

Perhaps it came across that way, but it wasn't intended as a blanket statement. I have nothing personally against people who are old, obese and/or had the ugly tree fall on them. I'm not exactly Johnny Depp here either, and I wouldn't mind losing a couple of pounds.

What I do have a problem with is how many of them message me on Gaydar asking for sex, often in a rather pushy way, despite a very obvious listing of age preferences. That's the kind of person I come down hard on. I've had one particular guy repeatedly pester me with pictures, every time seeming to forget that we'd spoken before and I'd politely turned him down, so eventually I just ignored him.

Now understood....in that context...I well understand your point...

 

[B_Hung Jon]

You and I are very similar and i completely understand your dilema.

BTW, Tomma, from your photos you are a very attractive guy. Ok, I agree, this is a completely gratuitous comment. :smile:

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

I used to be down about my looks but I know a few people who think i'm hot, so I'm ok with them now.

I think it's a social compatibility thing. I think my standards are in some respects too high - I always seem to see people's flaws. Maybe I'm just a judgmental fuck, but I'll notice things like for example, somebody having a really bad posture, and once I notice that (i.e. after a second of observing the person) I can't unsee that flaw and it becomes hard to find them attractive.

I have pretty high intelligence requirements. I'm fairly intelligent, and I feel bad about having sex with somebody who I think is a lot less intelligent than I am, because I feel that I'm dominating them. But I also have difficulty being interested in people who can't challenge me mentally.

Also, I'm a weird guy, I know that. I find certain things interesting (like history, politics, philosophy, science, computers) that most people just don't. So I rarely find people with the same interests as me.

You'll totally dismiss a guy just for having bad posture?!? No wonder you can't get laid.

 

[poultrygeist]

From personal experience, this is utter horseshit.

"Putting myself out there"? Done. Results? Nothing.
"Stop looking, let it happen." Tried that too. Results? Nothing.

OP, the solution to your problem is to have good looks or get money. Unfortunate but true.

I hear you man. But then, some would say that by logic, it's feasible to reasonably question the practitioner's methods, not the theory of why it has worked for others.

But I will say that it may seem like utter bullshit on the surface but to simply live one's life without expectations of finding someone to make them happy has absolutely occurred, albeit sometimes good luck, fate and karma might play some role and even then there is no guarantee. To that end, living one's life happy without the addition of another person is to be happy regardless. Then to find someone you can share your life with is a choice not a requirement.

In response to the being rich or good looking, there are good looking rich people who can't find their soul mates as well. Neither money or looks is a guarantee of happiness or success in relationships. Sure, a little money combined with having good looks is attractive to most people. But imagine spending the rest of your life wondering if the person you love chose you for money or looks or both?

 

[MeinTeil]

I hear you man. But then, some would say that by logic, it's feasible to reasonably question the practitioner's methods, not the theory of why it has worked for others.

What 'method' is involved with "let it go, don't worry about it, love will find you?"

But I will say that it may seem like utter bullshit on the surface but to simply live one's life without expectations of finding someone to make them happy has absolutely occurred, albeit sometimes good luck, fate and karma might play some role and even then there is no guarantee.

(Emphasis mine) Yes, I agree, I'm sure it happens all the time - while at the same time, there is no guarantee. However, this completely contradicts your original statement, "Guarantee it."

Just wanted the OP to know, yes, you really might live your entire life alone. Even with good looks and money, a big dick and a winning personality it might just never show up. I assume that if you wanted to hear the opposite you would have invested in a Hallmark card instead of a post.

But imagine spending the rest of your life wondering if the person you love chose you for money or looks or both?

They did. No need to spend the rest of your life wondering. To put it another way, more general than looks/money, is to say that people do what works for them. So even when "looks aren't important," "money doesn't matter," there's something afoot to make someone interested whether it is craving the endorphins from doing a good deed, a need to dominate, etc etc etc.

 

[poultrygeist]

What 'method' is involved with "let it go, don't worry about it, love will find you?"

(Emphasis mine) Yes, I agree, I'm sure it happens all the time - while at the same time, there is no guarantee. However, this completely contradicts your original statement, "Guarantee it."

Just wanted the OP to know, yes, you really might live your entire life alone. Even with good looks and money, a big dick and a winning personality it might just never show up. I assume that if you wanted to hear the opposite you would have invested in a Hallmark card instead of a post.

They did. No need to spend the rest of your life wondering. To put it another way, more general than looks/money, is to say that people do what works for them. So even when "looks aren't important," "money doesn't matter," there's something afoot to make someone interested whether it is craving the endorphins from doing a good deed, a need to dominate, etc etc etc.

In my experience there has to be a letting go of the need to find someone. You can't let go and still be actively looking. That's like trying to look for something yet saying that thing doesn't matter. That's contradictory as well. Letting go is the hardest part. The "method" is how well someone can actually let go. Not everyone can do it. What good is it to say, "I will let go, but only for a few months (or some period of time)?" That's not letting go. That's bargaining. That's like saying, "I trust you won't cheat on me" and then checking emails, cell phone calls and messages and hiring a PI to follow the other person. It's not truly letting go. Yet placing limits on letting go remains the biggest reason people think that this won't work. It is also the excuse that people give when it didn't work. There were constraints to the method. I personally believe that letting go works and in people that who are strong enough to actually do it they find some sort of relationship happiness. Being with other people in social situations and finding happiness in being with other people without trying to find a life partner makes a person more self-confident to other people. But if someone tries to let go but stays in the house all day long this method obviously won't work. You have to get out there and enjoy the company of others. Just to stop looking so hard. Which is more attractive? An attractive person who believes that he or she will get the person they want by standing on a street corner crying uncontrollably while wandering aimlessly and blubbering "I neeeeed a maaaaan!" Or is the person who likes being with friends enjoying life and not searching for someone to make them happy? I will guarantee that if a person who is not finding luck in love will adopt the latter attitude that they will be more attractive to a wider audience. Whether the audience contains the person they would be happiest with is fully dependant upon whether they're willing to listen for and act on the signs that someone might be a good match.

 

[Redwyvre]

Maybe you aren't gay. Have you tried dating girls?

 

[TomCat84]

In my experience there has to be a letting go of the need to find someone. You can't let go and still be actively looking. That's like trying to look for something yet saying that thing doesn't matter. That's contradictory as well. Letting go is the hardest part. The "method" is how well someone can actually let go. Not everyone can do it. What good is it to say, "I will let go, but only for a few months (or some period of time)?" That's not letting go. That's bargaining. That's like saying, "I trust you won't cheat on me" and then checking emails, cell phone calls and messages and hiring a PI to follow the other person. It's not truly letting go. Yet placing limits on letting go remains the biggest reason people think that this won't work. It is also the excuse that people give when it didn't work. There were constraints to the method. I personally believe that letting go works and in people that who are strong enough to actually do it they find some sort of relationship happiness. Being with other people in social situations and finding happiness in being with other people without trying to find a life partner makes a person more self-confident to other people. But if someone tries to let go but stays in the house all day long this method obviously won't work. You have to get out there and enjoy the company of others. Just to stop looking so hard. Which is more attractive? An attractive person who believes that he or she will get the person they want by standing on a street corner crying uncontrollably while wandering aimlessly and blubbering "I neeeeed a maaaaan!" Or is the person who likes being with friends enjoying life and not searching for someone to make them happy? I will guarantee that if a person who is not finding luck in love will adopt the latter attitude that they will be more attractive to a wider audience. Whether the audience contains the person they would be happiest with is fully dependant upon whether they're willing to listen for and act on the signs that someone might be a good match.

I like this idea. Ever heard of people with boyfriends complaining they get hit on all the time? Guys will subconsciously pick up on your happiness and confidence, and they will come to you. I was in a rut for a long time before I met my bf. I simply let go of trying to find someone, tried to be happy and project confidence and humor, and I ended up having him come to me.

 

[Water dragon]

yay! people like me, I am a virgin, never been kissed and can't find a guy!

 

[poultrygeist]

I like this idea. Ever heard of people with boyfriends complaining they get hit on all the time? Guys will subconsciously pick up on your happiness and confidence, and they will come to you. I was in a rut for a long time before I met my bf. I simply let go of trying to find someone, tried to be happy and project confidence and humor, and I ended up having him come to me.

Thank you for sharing your situation. You might be interested to know that that's almost exactly how it happened for me too. It's so hard to let go when you don't want to, isn't it? It's almost like you just kind of get t o a point that you reach that decision passively rather than trying to force yourself not to be looking. When I decided to stop looking it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and all of a sudden life was happier and without any pressure. Then voila!

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

You'll totally dismiss a guy just for having bad posture?!? No wonder you can't get laid.

In my defense, he did move like Nosferatu.

Seriously.


Also, "totally dismiss" sounds like "ignore their existence for they are unworthy". "I don't find that person attractive" does not equate with "I totally dismiss them". That really would be shallow, queen like behavior, and I have no respect for that.

 

[B_Marius567]

why wast your time with men when women are soo cute

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

why wast your time with men when women are soo cute

Please tell me that's a joke?

 

[toreadore]

Dont get too down... I had the same issue.. i cant deal with " queeny " guys and i like GUY stuff... played sports all through highschool and college... blah blah blah.... he is out there... your other half i mean.. just be patient i was and have been with an awsome guy for 8 years now, we just adopted... every pot has a lid... all the other " yo yo's you meet are just practice for the right guy and he will be there when youre ready for him. Its hard to be patient at 24 ( i wasnt) but trust me it will happen. Unless of course you're 600 lbs, 3 foot 5 and have 1 eye, 2 strands of hair, and a 3 inch dick. then just go straight! lol

 

[meschka]

Aaberdeen is shit to be gay in but there are some decent guys there! I was there for years but u just need to get out and have a laugh it will happen. All gays have fucked plenty of folk they'd rather not have just cause they're horny

 

[B_Marius567]

Please tell me that's a joke?

there is nothing cute about men and women are so cute.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

there is nothing cute about men and women are so cute.

Why show us all those photos, hungshyman, if there is NOTHING cute about you simply because you are a man? Really, does anyone want to see uncute pix?

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

Online dating? Why no one wants you - CNN.com