Failing at Being Gay

[hockeysweat]

I could not disagree more with a lot of these woe-is-me comments about how evil and bad and mean and vapid most gay men allegedly are. Gay men are just like any other group of people. Some of us like to hang out at bars and go to clubs; some prefer the public library. Some of us are vain and superficial; some are sweet, humble, and discerning. Some of us are cruel and abusive; some are charitable, gentle, and kind. It really bothers me that gay men would internalize negative stereotypes based on the very worst of us.

Nobody is forcing you to be part of a 'scene' you find repellent. I, personally, despise clubs and have only enjoyed being at two gay bars in my life. Therefore, I don't pick up guys at clubs and bars! There was a time, back in the bad old days, when this was the only way to meet men. That time is now past. All you need is the energy to leave the house, the patience for what could be a long search, and the courage to stay out of the closet.

There are so many ways to meet good, grounded, intelligent people. Join a hiking club, a book club, a roleplaying campaign. If you like politics, get involved with your local (Labour/Con/LibDem/Monster Raving Loony) party. Go to lectures or book talks on topics that interest you and stay after for the chat. I'm an introverted guy and definitely not a joiner, but men are not just going to come knocking at your door, and sometimes you have to depart from your comfort zone in order to meet your goals. And figure out a discreet way to let people know you're gay. People can't usually tell I am, and I don't advertise it, but I do gently correct people when they ask about my girlfriend, or what I think of that hot chick who just walked by. Then they talk amongst themselves and it becomes one piece of background that people know about me.

And realize that even if you do get out and become one of the literati-about-town, it still takes time before you meet a person you like and want to date. Even longer if/when you break up and try again, and again. It could be weeks, months, years; there's no telling, and it's discouraging at times, and it's perfectly ok to feel exhausted by the effort and stop for a bit. But I think it's a mistake to give up entirely. As they say, Past Performance Does Not Predict Future Returns.

 

[brooklynjackp]

Hockeysweat:

(GREAT handle, BTW) - thank you for a thoughtful - and accurate! -
response to a rather distressing thread. We all have many more options than
perhaps we realize, and it may takes some courage to realize that 'the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.'
We are not owed the relationship(s) we want - they require work, and patience,
and willingness - and usually, time.

Again - thanks.

 

[Infernal]

A few things I've learned over the years while stumbling through this life -

Never define yourself by your sexuality. I'm not talking about how you label yourself socially, gay, straight, bi, etc... Your sexuality is such a small part of who you are as a whole person. Don't limit yourself by the plumbing you prefer.

Surround yourself with friends. True Friends. People who you can call at 1am and cry to when you're heartbroken. Friends who will listen to you, and never judge you for it. Those friends will make being single so much easier.

Be flexible, but never compromise your principles. Demand the very best someone has to offer. I'm not difficult to get along with, but I hold people accountable for being rude. There is nothing wrong with having standards you want people to meet.

Be happy in your own skin. Let's face it. Not all of us look like Greek Gods. If we did, we probably wouldn't be here. I'm 42, a bit overweight, and the hair on my head is moving to my back. I'm working on the weight, but I have no control over my age and genetics, so I make the best of it.

I've said it before - when you stop putting so much time and effort into finding someone, and just sit back and let things happen.... things will happen. It takes time. I went years between boyfriends, but I have great friends who filled my life in other ways, and if I put some effort into it, getting laid wasn't too difficult.

Just give it time, and it will happen for you.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

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I lived for quite a few years in Palm Springs, which is now some sort of Gay Mecca. Everybody wants to move there.

Palm Springs is some sort of gay mecca, based on the increasing number and percentage of gay couples living there (according to U.S. Census).

"Everybody wants to move there" is a whole other story. I've been there twice, thought it was boring-as-shit unless you can play tennis and golf all day, every day, or stand around art galleries for hours on end. I couldn't wait to leave and hope I never have to go back.

 

[Uber_mensch]

Any updates?

 

[D_Ampelius_Halfinch]

I'd recommend moving somewhere that is more diverse in terms of gay life. Manchester is full of gay guys and has a huge gay scene but I find that it's all a bit shallow and vacant. London is one of the top 3 gay cities in Europe, if not the world, and it's a very diverse scene down here. There are so many different types of gay guy from all over the world here, maybe it's time you made the move and looked forward to a better life.

 

[kayman]

Welcome to the club, I'm so nonchalant about the whole single thing that I forget at times I am. It will happen when and whom you should be with. In the meanwhile, enjoy your singledom but not trend into whore territory though.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

Any updates?

No. Palm Springs is just as bad now as it was three months ago, and apparently I am going to have to be there again for the holidays in 2013.

 

[LuciferChild]

perfect mens doesnt exist anywhere not even in mars!

I used to be like you on my eighteens, but as I was getting experienes from life and see a lot of it, I was losing my "picky" manners....

 

[LuciferChild]

I'd recommend moving somewhere that is more diverse in terms of gay life. Manchester is full of gay guys and has a huge gay scene but I find that it's all a bit shallow and vacant. London is one of the top 3 gay cities in Europe, if not the world, and it's a very diverse scene down here. There are so many different types of gay guy from all over the world here, maybe it's time you made the move and looked forward to a better life.

humm i didnt found anything huge in manchester on gay scene, they have a big quarter but very very few places, a pub, a bar, a pub, a cafe, a bar, not even a gay restaurant, or stripp, or even a leisure gay club....I went there several times, I prefered the London gay area than Manchester one.