Failing at Being Gay

TomCat84

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Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.

I, unfortunately, am not.

This attitude is probably why you can't find a relationship. You sound like a bitter queen. :rolleyes: You need to realize that your shit stinks too. As long as you walk around thinking it doesn't- guys will pick up on that, at least the relationship material ones. You need to realize that in your A-Z list of preferences, you are NEVER going to find A-Z with ANYONE, and you WILL die old and alone. You need to realize that you may be able to get A-M, skip N-P, then get Q-Z in a guy. So, first thing's first, stop thinking you're above everyone else.

(PS Was I really the ONLY poster here who wasn't completely put off by the OP's nasty attitude?)
 
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belowaverage1

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Finding someone happens when it happens. Put yourself out there, let it be known that you're gay, find someone that's attractive to you, pursue them, make it happen.

And ditto to the comment about getting laid by old fat guys.
 

silvertriumph2

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Hi Scotty...

As others have posted....and I join them...we are ver much alike...so I know what you are experiencing.

First, let me say...DO NOT LOWER YOU STANDARDS....keep looking for what you desire in a person, for to do otherwise
would just not do and would be wrong.

However, you might think of some compromises, since diversity,
instead of a cookie-cutter of yourself...might be more
exciting and interesting in the long run. Some new interests that
the other could bring into the relationship might be the glue that
binds.

You are still young and have a lot of living and loving to do. I know it's difficult when your harmones and testosterone are raging and driving you crazy, but...it will come, just be patient.

Take your interests and run with it....how about joining a club for those interested in history, science, computers, etc.? Or a gym or running club? Bars are not the only place to meet people...I personally hate them.

Btw...you came down pretty hard on older, not so attractive people. I think you should think about this attitude, for it is not attractive and may be holding you back. I am not saying to not think this way, but think beyond the physical....you may miss something very nice that is hidden from obvious view...

Maybe you should stop looking so hard and let them find you...:biggrin: Sometimes Mr. Right is just around the next corner...that you haven't come to yet...

Good luck...happy hunting...
 
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remiel

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Plenty of people out there have the same interests as you! I like about more than half of those subjects, and I know tons of others, regardless of sexuality, who also do!

And part of being or coming off as attractive is actually believing yourself to be attractive. Not merely being okay with it because others have found you attractive in the past or currently do. I have made this mistake before, but all it really did for me was confirm what I already thought about myself, so in that way it wasn't exactly detrimental. And try to be a little less judgmental of potential boyfriends! If you find something negative about the person, follow it up with a positive!

Anyway, cheer up! Things will start to look up for you eventually. Just give it time. You're only 24! Some people don't find the right person, or anybody for that matter, until 30! But I'd like to remind you that love (or whatever else you're looking for) never comes when you're looking for it...it comes when you're not and when it's most convenient for you to be in love, haha. Good luck with everything!
 

poultrygeist

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I don't know if it helps, but I have noticed something that may or may not be coincidental. It seems that a lot of guys these days who are in their 40's and 50's have indicated that in their 20's they automatically ruled out guys that were in their 40's and 50's. I don't think being older and more mature is such a bad thing. But then when I was in my 20's I didn't rule out anyone based on age. The men I prefer tend to be more in shape, just because healthy people are like minded and tend to take care of themselves. It's not just a visual thing. But age is irrespective to me for the most part, and is neither something that I seek out or avoid solely on principle.
 

tomma

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I used to be down about my looks but I know a few people who think i'm hot, so I'm ok with them now.

I think it's a social compatibility thing. I think my standards are in some respects too high - I always seem to see people's flaws. Maybe I'm just a judgmental fuck, but I'll notice things like for example, somebody having a really bad posture, and once I notice that (i.e. after a second of observing the person) I can't unsee that flaw and it becomes hard to find them attractive.

I have pretty high intelligence requirements. I'm fairly intelligent, and I feel bad about having sex with somebody who I think is a lot less intelligent than I am, because I feel that I'm dominating them. But I also have difficulty being interested in people who can't challenge me mentally. :(

Also, I'm a weird guy, I know that. I find certain things interesting (like history, politics, philosophy, science, computers) that most people just don't. So I rarely find people with the same interests as me.


You and I are very similar and i completely understand your dilema.
 

B_curiousme01

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You just haven't found the right person yet. Most of us have had dating issues regardless of our gender.

Anyways, he's worth your wait and will cherish you more for it.

And...I think you might get on well with a hot professer, brainy type. Is there a local univeristy you could take a class at? :))

Best wishes and like the old saying goes" patience is a virtue." Not that thatreally helps right now.
 

Smaccoms

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Oh it's piss easy to get laid if you're gay, as long as you're willing to fuck guys twice your age with a body mass that effects the Earth's orbit. Or you're extremely pretty, submissive and effeminate.

I, unfortunately, am not.

A lot of gay guys experience this when they first come out of the closet and start experimenting. It gets easier over time, ESPECIALLY depending on where you end up living. For example, I am going to apply for jobs and move to San Francisco after I've finished my under grad degree here in Mass. San Fran gay capital of the world yo!
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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This attitude is probably why you can't find a relationship. You sound like a bitter queen. :rolleyes: You need to realize that your shit stinks too. As long as you walk around thinking it doesn't- guys will pick up on that, at least the relationship material ones. You need to realize that in your A-Z list of preferences, you are NEVER going to find A-Z with ANYONE, and you WILL die old and alone. You need to realize that you may be able to get A-M, skip N-P, then get Q-Z in a guy. So, first thing's first, stop thinking you're above everyone else.

(PS Was I really the ONLY poster here who wasn't completely put off by the OP's nasty attitude?)

I think you're the only one who read my initial post in that way, and it's certainly not how it was intended. Maybe you missed the multiple times I questioned my own motives and self-deprecated. Even in that piece you quoted, I suggested that I am not exactly young and pretty (which is true).

I'm not bitter, and I'm not a queen. I don't believe myself to be any better than anyone else; often I can't understand how other people seem to be so happy and well adjusted, and that can only be down to my own problems.

I'm afraid my solution would involve getting your ass outta Aberdeen, its pretty much in the middle of nowhere, I agree Aberdeen is a really small city so you are bound not to find many gay guys, let alone people that have your main interests.

I'd try and move to a city that is more culturally stimulating like Glasgow or Edinburgh, both have amazing places for gay people to hang out, although London is by far a city FOR gay people, there are clubs for manly gay guys and the more 'intellectual' gay guys and don't get down about the gay 'scene' it can be very different from one place to another, smaller cities tend to have a more bitchy and threatening ones.

Also you CAN be fussy, as we all have standards, its how we respect ourselves, but you are bound to not find your perfect partner. I found I was lowering my standards having lived in a small city, I did feel like there aren't many handsome men out there, but things can be unexpected and that is what is great about life, just let your hair down, first impressions aren't everything.

Yeah I know Aberdeen is a bit of a problem. However, it's not exactly like I'm the only gay in the village here, it is Scotland's third largest city. The thing is I have a lot of really good friends in the area who I don't want to leave.

And if I did leave, I'm not at university anymore and I find it's extremely hard to make friends when you're just a corporate drone going to work every day. Colleagues, in my experience, are rarely friends; you simply cease to exist between 5pm and 9am as far as they're concerned.

I don't know if it helps, but I have noticed something that may or may not be coincidental. It seems that a lot of guys these days who are in their 40's and 50's have indicated that in their 20's they automatically ruled out guys that were in their 40's and 50's. I don't think being older and more mature is such a bad thing. But then when I was in my 20's I didn't rule out anyone based on age. The men I prefer tend to be more in shape, just because healthy people are like minded and tend to take care of themselves. It's not just a visual thing. But age is irrespective to me for the most part, and is neither something that I seek out or avoid solely on principle.

I don't discriminate on principle for older guys (I do for younger, <20 I tend to find a bit childish), it's simply that I genuinely don't find much older guys attractive. I'd happily be friends with them and chat away and all that, but I don't find them physically attractive.
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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Btw...you came down pretty hard on older, not so attractive people. I think you should think about this attitude, for it is not attractive and may be holding you back. I am not saying to not think this way, but think beyond the physical....you may miss something very nice that is hidden from obvious view...

Perhaps it came across that way, but it wasn't intended as a blanket statement. I have nothing personally against people who are old, obese and/or had the ugly tree fall on them. I'm not exactly Johnny Depp here either, and I wouldn't mind losing a couple of pounds.

What I do have a problem with is how many of them message me on Gaydar asking for sex, often in a rather pushy way, despite a very obvious listing of age preferences. That's the kind of person I come down hard on. I've had one particular guy repeatedly pester me with pictures, every time seeming to forget that we'd spoken before and I'd politely turned him down, so eventually I just ignored him.
 

joyboytoy79

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SGOT, I tend to agree with TomCat. You sound a lot too choosy.

Maybe I just have a promiscuous attractiveness meter, but I'll never understand the boxes people put up around what they are WILLING to find attractive. You ONLY like guys around your age, because somehow that number 30 magically makes men less attractive. HOW? I'm 32, and I look nearly exactly the same as I did when I was 28. Really, I haven't changed that much in 4 years. Still, when I was 28 I fell within your age-restriction parameters, and now I do not. It sounds a lot like you're cutting out a significant number of potential partners simply because of some preconceived notion of what you think you should find attractive.

I suggest you lighten up on yourself a little. Meet people, and judge them on a per-person basis. Lumping them into groups based on your parameters is only limiting you to an exactly perfect idea of a mate who likely doesn't exist. Get out there. If you like smart guys, join some message boards for smart guys - at least one of them is bound to be gay. If you like sports, join some amateur sports leagues - at least one of your team mates is bound to be gay. Open your mind to the possibility that Mr. Right might not be what you expect. Amazing things happen in ways we never expect they could. You just have to approach life with an open mind, and life will open her heart to you and happiness will follow.
 

SomeGuyOverThere

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SGOT, I tend to agree with TomCat. You sound a lot too choosy.

Maybe I just have a promiscuous attractiveness meter, but I'll never understand the boxes people put up around what they are WILLING to find attractive. You ONLY like guys around your age, because somehow that number 30 magically makes men less attractive. HOW? I'm 32, and I look nearly exactly the same as I did when I was 28. Really, I haven't changed that much in 4 years. Still, when I was 28 I fell within your age-restriction parameters, and now I do not. It sounds a lot like you're cutting out a significant number of potential partners simply because of some preconceived notion of what you think you should find attractive.

I respect your opinion, but I've had the opposite problem - I've tried to like guys who I simply don't. I have slept with a man who is significantly older than me, and dated a guy who simply didn't tick any of the boxes that I find attractive. Ultimately I had to accept that there are certain features I find attractive and others I do not, and that in both cases I was trying to feel something for somebody I didn't like.

Of course there is no magical turn off switch at 30. Aging is an analogue process, it's just our simple little minds which like to put things in nice easy boxes which think of certain age groups in certain ways. What it is is probability - I mainly find men who are 20-30 years old attractive, that is, if you're between 20 and 30 there is a higher chance that I'll find you attractive. If you wanted to plot the percentages of men I find attractive against their ages, it'd be a bell curve centering around my age. What that means is that it's increasingly unlikely that I'll find you attractive once you're about 6 years older/younger looking than me, meaning that it's extremely unlikely that I'll find a man in his 40's+ attractive. As I age, the bell curve moves with my age, when I was 20, I tended to find 16 (LEGAL HERE!) to about 26 was the sweet spot in terms of age. (Yes I am aware that 19 is 6 years younger than me, but people grow up a lot between 18 and 21/22 so I generally find 19 year olds a little young these days but that's subject to the individual). Note that I'm not ruling people out based on age, I'm simply constructing a bracket where it's most likely that I'll find somebody attractive.

So yes, I'm choosy. :rolleyes:
 
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poultrygeist

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I don't discriminate on principle for older guys (I do for younger, <20 I tend to find a bit childish), it's simply that I genuinely don't find much older guys attractive. I'd happily be friends with them and chat away and all that, but I don't find them physically attractive.

I think we all have preferences, most certainly. I'm not taking issue with you about that at all. I think that's perfectly normal. Besides, me personally, 20 years old might look great but for me that would be a little weird feeling like I'm old enough to be the guy's father. Similarly, a guy in his 50's or 60's would feel like they're old enough to be my father too. So all things considered I completely understand.
 

earllogjam

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You can move to greener pastures or lower your standards. At your age don't forget to have lots of lots of great sex while looking for Mr. Right. He surely will come if you are open to it. Try not to prejudge people or dismiss them off the bat as you really don't get to know a person until you get to know a person and you need to know a person to truely be in love with him.

Lastly, don't be so desperate. Guys can smell that and it kills anything and every possiblilty of a serious relationship. Just my 2 cents.
 

crescendo69

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Learn to love yourself first. Stop the self-deprecating (I should talk), get some counseling, find a support group, and try some different social circles like clubs or churches to widen your range of contacts. I find that self-loathing can really limit my possibilities in all areas.
 

dude_007

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what crescendo said.

Focus on what you want, not the absence of what you want. Feel good about knowing you're moving in the right direction, and you will hopefully move where you want to be. The trick is to not fool yourself into thinking you are feeling good about where you are going, but to feel good about where you are going....if that makes sense.