Falling for a soldier - help!

Snozzle

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Sometimes when you have a relationship long distance, your imagination does too much of the work. Looks like you were building the relationship in your head while he was just seeing your as not much more than a fuckbuddy. "Talking yourself into love with him" if you like. I've done it, and felt like a fool afterwards. Bear in mind you only met the once and had sex the once. That's not a lot to build a lifelong commitment on.

But I agree that if he hasn't jilted you, you should hang in there and hope that his feelings will change. (Don't fling yourself at his feet, though, it's unappealing. Just be available.) Review the situation from time to time, though, to make sure you're not on a hopeless quest.

Worrying about his safety is another issue. It's almost certain that you can't change his career choice, or the risks that it entails, so that's something you're just going to have to live with. Don't mourn him before you have to, though: the probability is high that he will come home safe.
 

8060

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Hungmuscle, you hang in there, man. Deployment is hard on both sides of relationships; for the person going and the loved ones they're leaving back home. This love that you have for each other sounds at least worth 'seeing about'. You seem so heavy with emotion right now and that doesn't just come from nowhere. The fact that he loves you means that there's a chance in there for something, even if it's a small as staying in touch with each other. That's how I would see that. Hold on to that.

Because you love him and know that he's going away, you're going to think about him. I know that he said no, but that doesn't change your feelings about his situation. You have to think that he's okay all of the time. You have to 'will' good things on his path and footsteps and believe your thoughts. That's how you get through, by never thinking the worse.
 

jason_els

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You have two issues here.

I don't know what you said to each other in those few moments afterward. Passion makes us lose our head, but he did say he loves you and that means you have a mutual connection here. There's a big difference between a one-sided love affair and one that's returned.

There are a handful of people who lived through this kind of thing available here, but perhaps not so few living around you.

Not so long ago, my country and yours faced this every day, in every town, year after year. Men, and some women, left for Europe, maybe to the Pacific, and many never returned home. In those years it was the old, the very young, and very particularly the women who stayed at home. These people felt just like you and your boyfriend did. They were frightened of what might happen, of whom would be left behind. Time was short. Many young men, sometimes even boys, left school directly to training and within months, they were off to war.

In the stories I've heard from that time, there is one constant message that is carried home time and again: don't wait. Make the most of every moment you have together and if you feel the time is right to marry, then do it. If you see him off on a train, a ship, or a plane, then you be there. You look as hot as you can, give him a carepackage of his favorite munchies, a few letters to be opened later, and you keep your chin up with a smile inside when you talk about the things you will do when he comes home. You don't break down, you don't go through, "what if....", and you definitely don't do anything to make him regret leaving. You send him off as the hero he is and you welcome him home the same way. Only once he's out of sight, can you then you break down, scram, cry, and pray. That's what it's like to be separated by war. It's the single most difficult thing many people have had to do, but they find the strength and do it.

That's why you don't wait. You just do it. If you feel about him the way I suspect you do, then you let him know this straight away. No ceremony here, just tell him you're prepared to accept anything that happens and let him know you're not a fair weather guy. He's not alone. A soldier's first instinct is not to create new attachments when he knows he's heading for danger. He doesn't want to hurt anyone because of what may happen. Go talk to the survivors of that Greatest Generation, ask them what it's like, ask them what to do, and you'll see their faces become wistful as their memory goes back to those days and their voices become quiet. Yet I wager they will all say the same thing. If he's the man for you and he knows that too, then act now while there's time.

Of course you have to ask, "Why?"

And the replies are always the same; because those memories, the knowledge that you're home waiting for him, sending him letters, making phone and video calls, maybe sending him a pair of warm woolen socks come Christmas (it gets cold in Afghanistan!), knowing that you'll be there to welcome him home, are all the things that will keep his spirit up and his head down. To have someone special at home, not a parent, not a sister, not a mate, but someone truly special, will see him through his darkest hours. That's why you don't wait. If his only objection is to keep from potentially harming you, then he's making the wrong decision and many of the warriors who have left home for the seas, skies, and countrysides of distant lands will all tell you the same thing. Love was always the right choice.

Your job will be among the most important to any soldier in active duty though it may be the most frustrating and most daunting. You wait and do what you can to help make his life a little bit better by letting him know that your love will span to the other side of the world so that all he need do is but to think of you and you will be with him.

Sometimes love doesn't seem to be the right choice, and sometimes love doesn't have time. If you feel about each other as deeply as I suspect you do, then don't let him leave without ditching all the formality and speaking to him from the deepest corner of your heart, making sure he knows that you're committed and prepared to accept whatever happens.

Now go.
 

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I'm a woman with a soldier as well. All the advice I can give you is never give up on him. Give him all of your support. You don't need to have sex to know how committed you are to them or how much you love each other. You may not ever find someone in your life that will make you feel this way again. Love is a gift. However, there is alot of sacrifices you must be willing to make, do it because, you want to not because you have to. Remember, each soldier fights for our freedom. Allow him the freedom as well. Let him be free if it's mean't to be it will be. Dispite other friendships he has, trust in him and never waiver. He does need you. Join a support group. On facebook there are many support groups with others going through the same thing as you. I found them very supportive and extremely helpful to me. The one I joined is "My Love is Army Strong". They will help you every step of the way. Join, my blessings are with you and him as well. Only you know the bond you have together and nobody else will understand what your going through but someone who is doing it as well. Have faith and remember good things come to those who wait.
 

mjjudd

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As a current military member, I can only say that sometimes relationships are just one more thing to worry about when serving. All people are different, but my personal experience is... it can be a big hinderance during duty (especially for new relationships). When you are isolated and away from loved for any period of time, it will cause emotions and feelings to stir that may be more of a liability than an asset on the battlefield.

Again, I do not know what his situation or personality is.. but speaking as someone who got married right before getting deployed... it was extrememly difficult to try and juggle a developing relationship and the deployment at the same time (4 months of $1000+ phone bills, numerous insecurities thinking about what they are doing, who they are with while i was away, etc). If i could go back in time.. i would have waited until after the deployment to get married.. i think things may have turned out different.
 

killerb

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As a current military member, I can only say that sometimes relationships are just one more thing to worry about when serving. All people are different, but my personal experience is... it can be a big hinderance during duty (especially for new relationships). When you are isolated and away from loved for any period of time, it will cause emotions and feelings to stir that may be more of a liability than an asset on the battlefield.

I totally understand this and I know it's not uncommon...one of my friends who served in Iraq told me that things were so bad for him over there that any communications from home only made things worse. He tried to destroy every relationship he had, including his girlfriend AND his mother...

once he got home, things got better...he eventually married the girlfriend & they had a baby...and his relationships with his family and friends went back to normal...

hang in there, Hungmuscle...I know that heartbreak hurts...but you will be OK after a while...just hold on to the fact that he does love you...
 

B_mylipswet

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I totally understand this and I know it's not uncommon...one of my friends who served in Iraq told me that things were so bad for him over there that any communications from home only made things worse. He tried to destroy every relationship he had, including his girlfriend AND his mother...

once he got home, things got better...he eventually married the girlfriend & they had a baby...and his relationships with his family and friends went back to normal...

hang in there, Hungmuscle...I know that heartbreak hurts...but you will be OK after a while...just hold on to the fact that he does love you...

Very true, I got to the point with my soldier where I told him he is not going to destroy my love for him. He definately has tried the trick is to not allow it to happen. Hold on and wait because you want to not because you have to.
 

B_mylipswet

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You have two issues here.

I don't know what you said to each other in those few moments afterward. Passion makes us lose our head, but he did say he loves you and that means you have a mutual connection here. There's a big difference between a one-sided love affair and one that's returned.

There are a handful of people who lived through this kind of thing available here, but perhaps not so few living around you.

Not so long ago, my country and yours faced this every day, in every town, year after year. Men, and some women, left for Europe, maybe to the Pacific, and many never returned home. In those years it was the old, the very young, and very particularly the women who stayed at home. These people felt just like you and your boyfriend did. They were frightened of what might happen, of whom would be left behind. Time was short. Many young men, sometimes even boys, left school directly to training and within months, they were off to war.

In the stories I've heard from that time, there is one constant message that is carried home time and again: don't wait. Make the most of every moment you have together and if you feel the time is right to marry, then do it. If you see him off on a train, a ship, or a plane, then you be there. You look as hot as you can, give him a carepackage of his favorite munchies, a few letters to be opened later, and you keep your chin up with a smile inside when you talk about the things you will do when he comes home. You don't break down, you don't go through, "what if....", and you definitely don't do anything to make him regret leaving. You send him off as the hero he is and you welcome him home the same way. Only once he's out of sight, can you then you break down, scram, cry, and pray. That's what it's like to be separated by war. It's the single most difficult thing many people have had to do, but they find the strength and do it.

That's why you don't wait. You just do it. If you feel about him the way I suspect you do, then you let him know this straight away. No ceremony here, just tell him you're prepared to accept anything that happens and let him know you're not a fair weather guy. He's not alone. A soldier's first instinct is not to create new attachments when he knows he's heading for danger. He doesn't want to hurt anyone because of what may happen. Go talk to the survivors of that Greatest Generation, ask them what it's like, ask them what to do, and you'll see their faces become wistful as their memory goes back to those days and their voices become quiet. Yet I wager they will all say the same thing. If he's the man for you and he knows that too, then act now while there's time.

Of course you have to ask, "Why?"

And the replies are always the same; because those memories, the knowledge that you're home waiting for him, sending him letters, making phone and video calls, maybe sending him a pair of warm woolen socks come Christmas (it gets cold in Afghanistan!), knowing that you'll be there to welcome him home, are all the things that will keep his spirit up and his head down. To have someone special at home, not a parent, not a sister, not a mate, but someone truly special, will see him through his darkest hours. That's why you don't wait. If his only objection is to keep from potentially harming you, then he's making the wrong decision and many of the warriors who have left home for the seas, skies, and countrysides of distant lands will all tell you the same thing. Love was always the right choice.

Your job will be among the most important to any soldier in active duty though it may be the most frustrating and most daunting. You wait and do what you can to help make his life a little bit better by letting him know that your love will span to the other side of the world so that all he need do is but to think of you and you will be with him.

Sometimes love doesn't seem to be the right choice, and sometimes love doesn't have time. If you feel about each other as deeply as I suspect you do, then don't let him leave without ditching all the formality and speaking to him from the deepest corner of your heart, making sure he knows that you're committed and prepared to accept whatever happens.

Now go.

That post was so real and really hit home to me. Thank you very much it really helped me too.
 

Stephenmass

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I once wrote a soldier for quite some time. Kalib, used to send me pictures of himself (not naked ones), and he was numero A hot. But that wasn't what drew me to him. He was letting me in his head on the battlefield, his fears, his insecurities, and I somehow feel I helped him thru those difficult times.

He was what brought the war "home" to me, made it real for me and made me realize how f'n scary (yeah scary) it must be out there.

There are many other details (and no we never met and he is alive mate) and the ups and downs we had, even though only writing (we spoke once by phone, damn I loved his voice). I'll never forget him.

I feel in the back of my mind that I somehow helped him get through it all and he did, helluva bumpy ride for him for sure, but he made it. He had seen too much, etc., and it was gettin to his head. I made him at least focus on getting home.

I feel good that I wrote him; I'll never forget him.