Falling for Toxic Lovers

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, May 10, 2007.

  1. earllogjam

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    Falling in love or falling in deep infatuation never seems to be a conscious act. It just happens whether you want it or not. Sure you choose who you date but you don't choose who you fall in love with. Even if you repress your feelings, that feeling is always there. Your head says you should not continue with this person because he is bad for you but your heart says stay.

    Why is it so heard to convince yourself to just let go of a toxic person? How do you resolve that disconnect between your head and heart?
     
  2. rob_just_rob

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    I used to feel responsible for the unhappiness that I would potentially cause by ending a relationship with a woman. Never mind my own unhappiness that resulted from staying in that relationship.:wtf2:

    Never again.
     
  3. Duchess_athena

    Duchess_athena New Member

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    Let me know when u find out i would like to know myself
     
  4. Principessa

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  5. Ethyl

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    Some people feel they always need to be in a relationship because the alternative is too frightening for them. They may be obsessed with the idea of love and so they choose to ignore the reality of the situation because their self-esteem is dependent on the existence of that relationship. Even if a relationship is destructive, they may feel undeserving of one that's healthier or doubt they could find one with someone else. Power struggles and instant gratification add to the toxicity levels. Relationships like this are usually based on delusion and avoiding the unpleasant.

    WWJD? (what would Jung do?). He said "Projections change the world into the replica of one's own unknown face". We blame others for what we do not recognise in ourselves.
     
  6. videoondeugd

    videoondeugd New Member

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    Get some selfworth, self-love, dignity. If you cant, start reading books about it, or visit a therapist. It starts with self. If you cannot love yourself, you really cannot love another person. It may seem like it, or feel like it, but something else is behind it.
     
  7. HotBulge

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    [Cue the psychedelic organ, focus the spotlight, hand on hip, and sing :smile:]

    Diana Ross
    You Keep Me Hangin' On

    Set me free why don't you baby
    Get out of my life why don't you baby
    'Cause you don't really love me
    You just keep me hangin' on

    You don't really need me
    But you keep me hangin' on

    Why do you keep coming 'round
    Playing with my heart
    Why don't you get out of my life
    And let me make a new start
    Lettin' me get over you, like the way you've gotten over me.....Yeah

    Set me free why don't you baby
    Let me be why don't you baby
    'Cause you don't really love me
    You just keep me hangin' on

    Now you don't really want me
    You just keep me hangin' on

    You say although we broke up
    You still wanna be just friends
    But how can we still be friends
    When seeing you only breaks my heart again
    (And there ain't nothin' I can do about it.....Yeah)

    Let me be why don't you baby (Whoa oa oa oa)
    Get out of my life why don't you baby (Whoa oa oa oa)
    Set me free why don't you baby
    Get out of my life why don't you baby

    You claim you still care about me
    But your heart and soul needs to be free
    Amd I'm letting you get your free
    You wanna still hold onto me
    You don't want me for yourself
    So let me find somebody else (Yeah ah)

    Why don't you be a man about it
    And set me free
    You don't care a thing about me
    You're just using me

    Go on
    Get out
    Get out of my life
    And let me sleep at night
    Please

    'Cause you don't really love me
    You just keep me hangin' on
     
  8. HotBulge

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    I just thought about this again. One needs to determine what is missing or absent in one's life and not rely on the toxic individual to serve as a poor substitute. Acknowledging a personal weakiness is the first step to personal strength
     
  9. earllogjam

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    I think I hang on because he reminds me of a very intense love of mine who passed away. Who I'd do anything to have back.
     
  10. HotBulge

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    I'm so sorry to hear that. I would like to imagine, though, that your deceased lover is surrounding you and encouraging you to seek live a fuller life. If you have much love to generate and bestow upon another individual, then it's only just that you be with someone who knows how to return a lot of love. (I often find it disheartening how many people in this world "consume" the love of others yet don't spend enough time "cultivating" a loving relationship towards others).
     
  11. chicagosam

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    You just do it. Many times they like to make you feel as though you need them when in reaility you are the stronger partner and they are constantly taking from you. You can become depleted emotionally from this and feel you need to continue on this relationship out of kindness or concern for the other person. Sometimes putting increasingly larger spaces of time between communication can give you the strength to finally free yourself and realize that you were being drained and being taken advantage of by this person. You'll eventually have the strength then to move on and find someone that is worthy and deserving of you. Listen to your friends and let them help you make the break.
     
  12. earllogjam

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    Yes, thanks all for the advice, all makes perfectly good sense. I know what I ought to do and best for me... the trouble is my heart is not convinced. There is a longing that I never have unless I am in love with someone and it's not a rational one.

    "I often find it disheartening how many people in this world "consume" the love of others yet don't spend enough time "cultivating" a loving relationship towards others" - yes so true. Love needs to grow to last. Mine now is like drinking a milkshake.
     
  13. DC_DEEP

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    Both of these are excellent comments. Of course, none of us here is going to be able to give you the easy answer.

    A lot of it begins in what you ARE looking for, what you THINK you are looking for, and what you NEED to look for, in another person. Those three things are often completely different, and most people don't recognize that.

    Keep in mind that if you always look in the same place, for the same type of person, the same type of person is exactly what you will get. If you meet people in a bar, and you only approach people with certain characteristics (blond, dresses a certain way, tall & thin, etc.) you have to expect that if the last 5 who fit that description were jerks, the next one most likely will too. Expand your horizons, and do not allow toxic persons to have any hold over you. Hard as it may be, when you realize that the person is not good for you, MOVE ON!
     
  14. Principessa

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    People laugh at me when I say that I always equate relationships, with cars. Until I explain that both require routine maintenance.

    Quite often the same people who get upset about their engine seizing because they drove 17,000 miles without checking, changing, or adding oil. Are the same people who are shocked when their lover/husband/wife etc. cheats on them or leaves the relationship permanently. They get so wrapped up in the normal everyday stuff, "the normal detritus of life," I call it, that they forget both parties are responsible for relationship maintenance.

    I read a book about 2 years after leaving a bad relationship. It changed my perspective and gave me hope. It's called God on a Harley. Don't let the title fool you there is no prosletyzing involved, it's not about converting to a religion to find happiness. It has a more subtle zen message. At only 160 pages it's a quick read for a quiet afternoon.

    Come to think of it I've had some odd stuff going on in my life lately I think I need to re-read it. A karmic tune-up of sorts if you will. :smile:

    Edit: I am a girly-girl; but I am positively anal retentive about doing oil changes every 3500 miles. I have argued with the man at Jiffy Lube, because every other oil change I like to have the air filter changed as well. Does it help? I like to think so. My 1990 Chevy Corsica LT lasted 13 years and a little over 182,000 miles.
     
  15. B_josiah852

    B_josiah852 New Member

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    How would you want your toxic love to say to you if that person wanted out of your life. How would you like to see this person act and how would you want this person to handle the situation. The sooner you are honest about your feelings the sooner you will get out. There is someone out there that is right for you. Just don't make the same mistake again. This coming from someone who has been on both sides of the fence. Good luck.


     
  16. Kassokilleri2ff

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    Its like waking up in the morning, you have to just force yourself to do it ^^
     
  17. fratpack

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    Been there and done that and am so glad to over all that. Toxic lovers just somehow seem to know what buttons to push to keep you there. They seem to insinuate themselves in your life and somehow make you feel that they will take care of you like no other even when they act like such total shits.
     
  18. biguy2738

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    I think that part of the difficulty when it comes to doing the right thing i.e. saying good bye to a toxic person, is so often we are confronted with all these romaticised ideals like that of Jerry McGuire where Tom Cruise says, "You complete me" - COW DUNG!

    Two halves cannot make a whole, it is my responsibility to make myself and my life complete...to make it somebody else's responsibility would be selfish and careless.

    I guess that one needs to ask, which is the lesser evil of the two...for the other party's feelings to be hurt, or for my self esteem and inner freedom to be destroyed.
     
  19. earllogjam

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    I think heart to heart connections between people are rare and we cherish them because they are so hard to come by. It's easy connecting on a superficial level - sex, small talk, common interests, drinking buddies- but is altogether different when you meet someone who understands you at the very essence of who you are. What makes you tick. What you think is funny. What brings you enjoyment. It's just easy being with people like that. That ease is often taken as love. I have lifelong friends who are like that and I am looking for that in a lover. Unfortunately people who know you like that have a certain power over you.
     
  20. Ethyl

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    No one has power over you unless you grant it to them freely. It can feel like the other person has power over you because you sense that connection/chemistry and you become vulnerable by opening your heart and sharing yourself with that person. The trick is to not lose yourself in the process. If you don't like whom you're attracting, step back and take inventory. Work on being the person you want to be and you'll attract people like you.
     
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