Family Gatherings

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mld12801: wow, I thought I was the only one with a messed up family.

My gram WAS the glue that held us together. She passed and so did normalcy.

I was rather impressed though, at the last get together, which I attended only b/c my favourite uncle was up from texas. No one fought though one aunt kept trying...

Not to say were normal. the topic du jour was lighting farts :eyes:

But my bros gf passed the family test with flying colours, now, even if they break up shes one of us
 

ceg1526

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Mama said you can pick your friends, but not your family. I'm in Madame Zora's camp (and who wouldn't be overall?): family is whoever you want it to be. I've many times celebrated Christmas with my local family of friends on a convenient day, then jetted back to my biological one for December 25th. And generally, the local family gathering is more enjoyable than the biological one.

One of the problems with the biological family is that you know each other too well. You revert to the roles you played in the past, but have long since outgrown. You know what buttons to push, and it's easy to push them out of boredom or revenge. At biological family gatherings, I've often wanted to scream for everyone to act like an adult, or failing that, like a polite stranger, but sometimes it's just easier to observe and be amused.

Take care

Ceg
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Originally posted by ceg1526@Jul 10 2005, 12:06 PM
Mama said you can pick your friends, but not your family. I'm in Madame Zora's camp (and who wouldn't be overall?): family is whoever you want it to be. I've many times celebrated Christmas with my local family of friends on a convenient day, then jetted back to my biological one for December 25th. And generally, the local family gathering is more enjoyable than the biological one.

One of the problems with the biological family is that you know each other too well. You revert to the roles you played in the past, but have long since outgrown. You know what buttons to push, and it's easy to push them out of boredom or revenge. At biological family gatherings, I've often wanted to scream for everyone to act like an adult, or failing that, like a polite stranger, but sometimes it's just easier to observe and be amused.

Take care

Ceg
[post=328055]Quoted post[/post]​

This is so true and that is why I haven't really gone home alot because I feel that my friends are like family and get all the emotionally like family support for them...I mean I know my family loves me very much just by actions but other than my grandmother - I can't remember the last time my mom, dad, sibling or any other family member ever told me they loved me...It is just understood but not said in my family...And I am just as bad because my grandmother tells me at the end of our conversations which is weekly that she loves me and I love her to death but never say it back...I think my family is screwed up in that way and it is not their fault because it is a cycle that has been passed on from past my great-grand parents...My friends tell me they love me all the time and I think that is why I get weirded out because I have told them I love them too but can't do that w/my biological family and I think about it every week because I call my mom and grandmother once or more every week since I moved out at 18 and that is like 10yrs now...I know this has screwed me up because I have never told any girlfriend that I loved them and the longest relationship I have had w/a girlfriend is like 9 months I am sure because I won't say...I had this poor girl once tell me I love you and even though you don't ever tell me - I know you love me...I couldn't even open to her to tell her that my family is like that...
 

Pye

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Originally posted by Pene_Negro_Grande+Jul 10 2005, 01:35 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Pene_Negro_Grande &#064; Jul 10 2005, 01:35 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-ceg1526@Jul 10 2005, 12:06 PM
Mama said you can pick your friends, but not your family. I&#39;m in Madame Zora&#39;s camp (and who wouldn&#39;t be overall?): family is whoever you want it to be. I&#39;ve many times celebrated Christmas with my local family of friends on a convenient day, then jetted back to my biological one for December 25th. And generally, the local family gathering is more enjoyable than the biological one.

One of the problems with the biological family is that you know each other too well. You revert to the roles you played in the past, but have long since outgrown. You know what buttons to push, and it&#39;s easy to push them out of boredom or revenge. At biological family gatherings, I&#39;ve often wanted to scream for everyone to act like an adult, or failing that, like a polite stranger, but sometimes it&#39;s just easier to observe and be amused.

Take care

Ceg
[post=328055]Quoted post[/post]​

This is so true and that is why I haven&#39;t really gone home alot because I feel that my friends are like family and get all the emotionally like family support for them...I mean I know my family loves me very much just by actions but other than my grandmother - I can&#39;t remember the last time my mom, dad, sibling or any other family member ever told me they loved me...It is just understood but not said in my family...And I am just as bad because my grandmother tells me at the end of our conversations which is weekly that she loves me and I love her to death but never say it back...I think my family is screwed up in that way and it is not their fault because it is a cycle that has been passed on from past my great-grand parents...My friends tell me they love me all the time and I think that is why I get weirded out because I have told them I love them too but can&#39;t do that w/my biological family and I think about it every week because I call my mom and grandmother once or more every week since I moved out at 18 and that is like 10yrs now...I know this has screwed me up because I have never told any girlfriend that I loved them and the longest relationship I have had w/a girlfriend is like 9 months I am sure because I won&#39;t say...I had this poor girl once tell me I love you and even though you don&#39;t ever tell me - I know you love me...I couldn&#39;t even open to her to tell her that my family is like that...
[post=328064]Quoted post[/post]​
[/b][/quote]

It wasn&#39;t until my mother died last year that my family became more free with saying "I love you". It&#39;s a sad thing that it was so hard for us to say it before then..but during my mom&#39;s illness it just seemed to pour out of me. I do love my family and I agree that it&#39;s hard to say but make that effort-- cuz someday, although you know it&#39;s understood you&#39;d have wished that you said it more.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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I know that is true and I am always telling myself that I need to say it and it is always on the tip of my tongue when ending a conversation w/my mom or grandmother and I hear my friends tell their parents that all the time and wish I could do that...I am getting better at telling my friends I love them too when they tell me that...That is a huge step for me...It is easier w/my friends because they are very affectionate towards me...I mean all my friends are straight and most of us guys hug and hand shake when we see each other...I come from a family that doesn&#39;t show physical affection either other than my grandmother...I never remember ever hugging my dad or he or I saying I love you...And it is weird because I didn&#39;t have this terrible childhood (concerning family) and feel like we have a very close knit family and they have always been there for me...But just no physically affectionate...And I know for a fact that is why I have problems telling girlfriends that I love them...But I am very physically affectionate and everyone knows they can always count on me...
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Felt the need to elaborate on my family...Other than the physical affection and the "I love yous" - my family is probably some of the most kind people you ever want to meet...My family raised me to see all people as equals...I can honestly say that I never judge, stereotype or see anyone by race because of my family values...My friends are the most ethnic and cultural diverse group of indivuals...Every night when we go out we are white, black, spanish, middle eastern, asian, african, south american and eastern european...No exageration here at all (at least 15 of us) who go out together every weekend and we all love each other...I credit my family for having that view on life...

I mean my mom is very compassionate...I remember her being there for and pretty much taking in one of her best friend&#39;s son when he told his mom he was gay and his mom kind of rejected him and kicked him out after that...My mom gave this guy money and emotional support and took care of him when he got aids and sadly died...And to this day and at the funeral (his mom felt very guilty about that and still haven&#39;t forgiven herself)...My mom always told me that her best friend was not a bad woman but just doesn&#39;t understand...And she took that woman&#39;s only other son to college who was a year younger than I and I was always a little jealous of that but very proud of her...Jealous only because this kid hated me for some reason and loved my mom like she was his mom...Took years later to figure out that he was jealous of me for having a great mom and wanted my life (which was not that great)...This kid tried to steal all my friends in high school and turn them against me...Also years later found out he was in love w/my best friend (who was a guy) from high school and he saw me as a threat...I was naive and while I was in college my best friend told me he and the guy fooled around a couple of times and he was too scared to tell me then...

It took me years to tell my mom that her best friend&#39;s other only living son was gay too but now that his mom knows - she definitely took a different loving approach w/this son before she lost him too...The kid still has issues because my mom recently told me that he was in a criminal rehab center...Which I knew he was headed there because years ago when I was home from college, I saw the kid wandering the streets strung out on drugs pretty much prostituting himself to guys and I never told my mom because she put so much effort into this kid and he failed out of college less than a year after my mom tried to put him through school...I kind of never forgave him for doing that to my mom...
 

blasian

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I spent 4th of July with my ex-gf, watching movies and petting heavily...probably a bad idea but :shrugs:

Well, my family is really crazy, but it&#39;s ok because most of them live overseas...HA&#33; No, they are really "asian" in some ways because they don&#39;t really talk about their feelings to each other. Like, they will approach it kind of like "I am giving you material things and that should be why you love/respect me." And then the other side that&#39;s African is even worse because they are all really wealthy and look down on everyone.

My role has changed; I used to be the one that nobody liked, and my lighter-skinned cousins got all of the praise/affection. But, now that it&#39;s clear that I&#39;m the most successful child, everyone seems to like me a lot more. :rolls eyes: I&#39;ve always found that my friends are more of a support network for me than family.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Yeah my friends rule too...I would be lost w/o them...Blasian that must be tough w/family like that...My great grandmother was Chinese but you would not be able to tell by looking at me...And I have alot of cousins that are black and Japanese and black and Chinese mix...My family is pretty culturally open and diverse...
 

blasian

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Originally posted by Pene_Negro_Grande@Jul 10 2005, 06:15 PM
Yeah my friends rule too...I would be lost w/o them...Blasian that must be tough w/family like that...My great grandmother was Chinese but you would not be able to tell by looking at me...And I have alot of cousins that are black and Japanese and black and Chinese mix...My family is pretty culturally open and diverse...
[post=328121]Quoted post[/post]​

Hey, PNG, where are you from? Sounds like you have the UN for a family lol.

I shouldn&#39;t be so hard on them. I do have fun with my family; I think they can be controlling and just have a hard time accepting the fact I&#39;m pretty independent and don&#39;t have to answer to them as much as the other kids.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Originally posted by blasian+Jul 10 2005, 09:09 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(blasian &#064; Jul 10 2005, 09:09 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pene_Negro_Grande@Jul 10 2005, 06:15 PM
Yeah my friends rule too...I would be lost w/o them...Blasian that must be tough w/family like that...My great grandmother was Chinese but you would not be able to tell by looking at me...And I have alot of cousins that are black and Japanese and black and Chinese mix...My family is pretty culturally open and diverse...
[post=328121]Quoted post[/post]​

Hey, PNG, where are you from? Sounds like you have the UN for a family lol.

I shouldn&#39;t be so hard on them. I do have fun with my family; I think they can be controlling and just have a hard time accepting the fact I&#39;m pretty independent and don&#39;t have to answer to them as much as the other kids.
[post=328154]Quoted post[/post]​
[/b][/quote]

Funny because that is true and I only told you about the asian and black side...I didn&#39;t even mention the half-white side...The asian/black side are mostly in New York and the Carribean and Florida though...Yeah I definitely know about the independent thing - I pretty much have isolated myself and the only family member that lives in my state - I wanted my own identity because my family can be controlling and treat me like a little kid...They have no clue as to who I am or have become for the last 2 years...Even though I live 100&#39;s of miles away and do not rely on them financially at all - they still want to influence my life...I am the king of picking up and moving to new city and they don&#39;t understand that - I don&#39;t believe in growing roots...Been living on the east coast and secretly trying to establish my next move to LA...I have been doing the bi-coastal thing for awhile and they have no clue because they were adament about not wanting me to move to LA...They say I like the fast life too much which is true...They are even making me go on a family trip out of the country this winter w/them...I almost moved to Europe w/o telling them about a year ago because they wouldn&#39;t even entertain the thought when I casually mentioned it...But it is your family and what can you do - they love you...
 

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Originally posted by Pene_Negro_Grande@Jul 10 2005, 02:58 PM
I know that is true and I am always telling myself that I need to say it and it is always on the tip of my tongue when ending a conversation w/my mom or grandmother ...
I used to be standing right there in my relationship with my dad. He&#39;s never said it, and up until a few years back, I hadn&#39;t either. It&#39;s a "man thing" in my family, you know? The crap rules for male behavior. Well, to hell with that. I tell my dad (who is elderly and in seriously failing health) that I love him pretty regularly, and while he can&#39;t/won&#39;t reciprocate, I feel better for knowing that I&#39;m able to express it. I mean, we&#39;re the next generation, right? We&#39;re supposed to be beyond all that stuff.

I&#39;ve never been one to follow the pattern of expected behavior for my demographic (not the average bear here ;) ), but even still, this wasn&#39;t a comfortable step for me at the time. But really, it&#39;s all about part of making up my mind to speak the truth as I experience it. And I do love him.

And while I thought he might squirm or say something derisive or react in some other negative way, he just quietly takes it (and maybe feels glad that I&#39;ve said it?).

So, listen PNG, just say it, you know? Just say it. You&#39;ll be so relieved that you did. Next time you&#39;re on the phone with grams, right before you hang up, just reply with a simple "love you too, grandma&#33;" or even a "you too" or something. Get the ball rolling. Just imagine how thrilled she&#39;ll be. Say it, say it, say it, say it&#33; :)

Seriously, you won&#39;t regret it.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Too late - already spoke w/them today for my weekly call and chickened out...I know I have issues...Once my grams did call me out after she told me she love me and I didn&#39;t say anything by jokingly saying - don&#39;t you love me too and I laugh and said of course I do...She laugh and said I was wondering because you never say it but I know you do and we never discussed it again...She said it again at the end of our conversation today and my mom never says it again...My mom is a pretty strong and independent woman (the type that feels she doesn&#39;t need a man to make her complete)...My personality though is pretty much like my mom...
 

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Originally posted by Pene_Negro_Grande@Jul 11 2005, 03:41 PM
Too late - already spoke w/them today for my weekly call and chickened out...
Not too late yet, but you never know how many more weekly calls you&#39;ll get with your grandma, right?

Tell her. You know she needs (and deserves?) to hear it. :)
 

B_DoubleMeatWhopper

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I know what you mean, Pene. Carib culture is a macho culture, and the males tend to be physically demonstrative, but hold back verbally. My family has overcome that with a telephone ritual. A phone call between members of my family almost invariably ends with the words, "tú sabes que te amo." It&#39;s done almost without thinking, but the words are there and we know that we really mean it even if we say it by rote. Tell your grandmother that you love her. It may be difficult for you to do, but isn&#39;t a little discomfort worth what it will mean to her? You&#39;ll make her day; I promise you that.
 

Pene_Negro_Grande

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Originally posted by DoubleMeatWhopper@Jul 12 2005, 01:32 AM
I know what you mean, Pene. Carib culture is a macho culture, and the males tend to be physically demonstrative, but hold back verbally. My family has overcome that with a telephone ritual. A phone call between members of my family almost invariably ends with the words, "tú sabes que te amo." It&#39;s done almost without thinking, but the words are there and we know that we really mean it even if we say it by rote. Tell your grandmother that you love her. It may be difficult for you to do, but isn&#39;t a little discomfort worth what it will mean to her? You&#39;ll make her day; I promise you that.
[post=328455]Quoted post[/post]​

tú sabes que te amo - you know that I love you...I like that...I am going to do it...And I really mean it...I am very good at doing what I say I will...And you being Carribean too I know you understand where I am coming from w/the males not being expressive but I really try to live my life and avoid the macho bullshit so I guess I am just a little disappointed in myself for not just saying it...Thanks Jacinto and I am glad you are back and I hope everything is alright with you...I think I heard you and your brother were having problems w/mother nature...We got the rain and tornados here too...
 

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Thanks to everyone for posting your personal reflections on this one. I almost forgot, but here are the blueberries I promised to share:

:wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow:
:wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow: :wow:

They look a bit shellshocked from the trip, huh? ;)

Virtual berries are less tasty, but they certainly have personality, don&#39;t you think?
 

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Luckily enough, with family gatherings, me, my sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles and aunts head outside to smoke a fat one or two...

The family assholes are the heavy-drinkers inside...