Farting

[soloso]

Earlier this year I was taking a healthy dose of amino acids and creatine, along with lots of fresh fruits, vegstables, and high protien foods, while trying out things like horney goat weed and the like.

...let's just say, I'm amazed she didn't dump me... cuz if I could have, I would have.

 

[Hatched69]

Have you ever considered leasing your ass to a natural gas company? Given that natural gas IS methane, after all, and if you are prodigious enough....heck, if nothing else, hook your butt up to the furnace---think of the money you'll save on winter heating bills!:biggrin1:

Hmm. This could be a new definition of "flaming ass"!!!:biggrin1: :tongue:

 

[davidjh7]

Hmm. This could be a new definition of "flaming ass"!!!:biggrin1: :tongue:

When I was a kid, my parents brought back a "joke" gift from some party. It consisted of a simple red box, with a note, that said "I didn't know if you used a manual or electric razor...."
then you opened the box, and inside was a standard manual razor, with a ruber hose stuck on the handle. At the other end of the hose, there was an anal nozzle, like used on enema bags. The caption inside was "...so I got you a GAS powered one". :biggrin1:

 

[Hatched69]

When I was a kid, my parents brought back a "joke" gift from some party. It consisted of a simple red box, with a note, that said "I didn't know if you used a manual or electric razor...."
then you opened the box, and inside was a standard manual razor, with a ruber hose stuck on the handle. At the other end of the hose, there was an anal nozzle, like used on enema bags. The caption inside was "...so I got you a GAS powered one". :biggrin1:

That could have been the "shittiest" gift one could receive...:biggrin1: Probably the one thing that makes a healthy diet a consideration before commencing with hygiene...
On a side note, I've been told there's a reference to this "hole" subject in the new "Jackass" movie... (I have no plans to see it....just not my cup 'o' tea)

 

[Freddie53]

Then they are the farts that aren't farts after all.
Had a sixth grade boy trying to win the farting contest in the back of the line coming back from the cafeteria one day. He came up to me as he entered the classrom and said he needed to speak to me. With a red face he tried to explain about the game. He just quite couldn't spit out what he had done, so I asked him if he wanted to call home for clean underwear and pants. He nodded, apparently relieved that I didn't make him finish the story.

And he was even more relieved that I didn't tell the rest of the class what had happened or why he had left the room.

 

[rawbone8]

Skipper Pendragon

Damn the Doldrums.
Keep the navy beans well stocked in your galley and full sheets to the wind!

:wink:

 

[Gisella]

Then they are the farts that aren't farts after all.
Had a sixth grade boy trying to win the farting contest in the back of the line coming back from the cafeteria one day. He came up to me as he entered the classrom and said he needed to speak to me. With a red face he tried to explain about the game. He just quite couldn't spit out what he had done, so I asked him if he wanted to call home for clean underwear and pants. He nodded, apparently relieved that I didn't make him finish the story.

And he was even more relieved that I didn't tell the rest of the class what had happened or why he had left the room.

Yeh..accidents like that happens...poor kid...

I can not drink mango or other juices in an empty stomach sometimes in some particular mornings ...dont know what happens but than you think you are farting as usual but end up having a #2 spraying accident...its terrible...

 

[roosevelt]

I'm really not one generally for potty humour, but this may be the funniest thread I've read in a long time...

I had a friend when I was younger (read college) who had the most amazing ability to produce massive amounts of the most nauxious gas you can imagine.

He once managed to clear an entire lecture hall, over 100 students and the Prof left due to the Odor from one long ripping fart. never before or since have I met someone who could equal him.

On another occasion, he ripped a fart inside a closed room, and a girl in the room next door (a closed door seperated them ) started throwing up violently due to the odor.

He may be related to hatched69, the odor and volume sound like they might be similar.

 

[Hatched69]

edit by H69
He may be related to hatched69, the odor and volume sound like they might be similar.

Probably not related, but equally "gifted"..:biggrin1:

 

[Hatched69]

a #2 spraying accident...its terrible... edit by H69

Technical term for this phenomenon: "Hershey Squirts"..:tongue:
If chunky debris is evident: "Trouser Chili"

 

[Lordpendragon]

Have you noticed that the stinkiest ones burn a different colour?

It does get rid of the smell - honest.

Hatched - I just noticed that one of yours has learnt to post. I hope you don't mind us commandeering your new reputation for certain types of troll.

Pythagoras thought that your soul escaped when you farted - that's why he told people not to eat beans - its true.

 

[Pecker]

Panic (pah-nik) n.: a sudden emotional state experienced when a fart is heard on a crowded elevator.

 

[Gisella]

Panic (pah-nik) n.: a sudden emotional state experienced when a fart is heard on a crowded elevator.

:biggrin1:

Yeh...my ex father -in-law did it in the movie theater, but the silent one types ...soooo embarassing.. I did not sit near him for sure....and there he was with his white head hair looking like an angel and everybody looking around making disgusted faces and venting their faces with their hand and etc...

 

[Hatched69]

Have you noticed that the stinkiest ones burn a different colour?

...and leave a bad taste in your mouth if you hang around for "wafting"...

Hatched - I just noticed that one of yours has learnt to post. I hope you don't mind us commandeering your new reputation for certain types of troll.

As long as you don't consider ME to be the troll...

Pythagoras thought that your soul escaped when you farted - that's why he told people not to eat beans - its true.

Well, considering how much better one feels after a good blast, perhaps the "evil spirits" DO leave your body afterwards.

 

[Pecker]

High tech gas solution.

 

[Hatched69]

High tech gas solution.

Nice way of knowing when nature calls...:smile:

 

[Rikter8]

I like to crop dust.

you know...waddle down the hallway, silently letting them out all the way down...

Otherwise theyre known here as "Barking Spiders"

 

[dreamer20]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around
the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable
to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it
off. You're going to break something."


He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping
center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick
and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Shortly after mom returns and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she
looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this
big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is
baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over
shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon
explodes and shit is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

 

[Pecker]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

 

[SpeedoGuy]

I like to crop dust.

you know...waddle down the hallway, silently letting them out all the way down...

I've been known to do this to foes infesting a nearby cube farm. One must be stealthy, though. To prevent the culprit being easily fingered, the surreptitious cropduster must ever be ready to quickly take advantage of brief periods of high traffic in the hallway.

For another laugh:

http://www.cultmovie.com/kitsch/BlindDate.avi