Fatherhood Later In Life

[headbang8]

Over in Ask a Gay Man, @Bigcockman1 asked our thoughts on gay men like Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen having kids later in life. It strikes me that the question applies to men in general.

Here's my response to @Bigcockman1, as a thought starter. What do you think?

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In the 21st century, 60 is the new 45. Over half of us can reasonably expect to live into our mid-eighties. Cooper, Cohen, NPH and others will likely see their kids into proper, self-sufficient adulthood. That's all anybody can reasonably expect. It feels important to me that David Furnish is younger than Elton John, and can (to the extent anyone can plan for it) provide emotional and practical support when their kids need it.

I'm the product of older parents. Both my parents were over 40 when their eldest (me) appeared, and my father was pushing 50 when my youngest sibling arrived. When I was born in the late 1950s, neither expected to live the longer, healthier life that my generation can (to some degree) take for granted. And people starting families that late in life was rare.

Sample of one: Yes, I felt they underestimated the sheer physical demands which toddlers and kids place on parents. Not to mention family spirit. My folks quashed exuberance, belittled playfulness as immature, and simply didn't enjoy the small rituals of everyday life that centered around kids. They were set in their ways. I felt like I grew up middle-aged.

I'm inclined to think their attitude fit their generation, the Silent Generation. Both born into immigrant families in the shadow of WWI, coming of age in the Depression, and still building a home and family when others around them were dealing with teenagers. The instability and chaos of three kids under eight really upset them. And they certainly punished us just for being normal kids, from time to time.

But I don't think the same applies to Cooper and Cohen. IMHO, modern men are more flexible and intuitive. In the 21st century, both gay and straight fathers have become more emotionally aware, and emotionally literate. Our values are different. I have fewer misgivings about older fathers in our generation.

I note that Cooper became a father just as his mother's health began to fail. Did it remind him that the biological clock was ticking? And was it an emotional clock more than a biological one?

 

[Infernal]

My husband and I spoke of children around the time we got married. Well, I asked what he felt about having a child and his answer was "Fuck no. I've done that 3 times already." I was 45, and he was 54. He had been married and raised 3 children. When we met his kids were all in their 20's and his daughter had just given birth to twin girls. Now, 12 years later, I've settled into the role of grandfather without ever having biological children of my own. Between the three kids, there are 5 grandchildren. They have never known life without me and I'm just another grandparent to them. The daughter considers me another father, while the boys view me as their father's husband. They treat me like a parent in a way that works for them. I don't make an issue of it because I've always been treated with kindness and respect. I've only had to pull the parent card once and when I pointed out my step-son's error in judgment he accepted it with respect and worked hard to change his behavior.

I've made peace with the fact that I will never have biological children, but I was welcomed into this family with open arms. It's a different journey to parenthood, but satisfying in ways I had not considered.