Favorite dick jokes

[BigDallasDick8x6]

A guy goes up to the window of a movie theatre with a duck on a leash. The guy behind the counter says he can’t take the duck in. “OK, I’ll buy an extra ticket,” the man says. “I don’t care how many tickets you buy you can’t take a duck into the theatre.”

The guy leaves, goes into an alley and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. He goes back to the box office, buys a ticket and goes in and sits down.

About halfway through the movie, the duck starts squirming around so he unzips his pants and lets the duck’s head out.

The woman next to him sees this and nudges her husband – “George, the guy next to me is exposing himself.”

“Well,” the husband says, “you know these guys just do it for the attention. Just ignore him and he’ll stop.”

“But, George,” the wife continued, “this one’s eating my popcorn!”

 

[rickygNOLA]

My dick is so big; I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

Ahahahahahaha. I like that one.

Ok, this next one can be told several ways. If you Google it, you'll see the roles are sometimes reversed or sometimes is about fireman and parmedics, etc. etc. So no offense to anyone -- some of my best friends are Marines......

A kid walks into a men's room and stands at a urinal next to a Marine in full dress uniform.

“Gosh, Mister! Are you a real Marine?”

“Sure am!”

“Wow, that uniform is so cool.”

“You want to try my hat on?”

“Gee, Mister, can I??”

The Marine puts the hat on the kid.

“Oh wow, this is cool.”

The Marine pulls his big hose in and zips up.

“Tell you what kid, you look so great in that hat you can keep it.”

“Gee thanks Mister!”

The Marine swaggers out.

A sailor comes in and stands at the same urinal the Marine was at. He pulls out a huge cock. The kid’s eye bulge out and his jaw drops while he stares at the monster.

The sailor says, “What are you staring at kid, you wanna suck my cock?”

“Oh no,” the kid says, pointing to his head, “I’m not a real Marine, I’m just wearin’ the hat!”

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

Two guys were changing in a lockerroom. One couldn't help but notice how long the other guy's dick was.

"Don't take this the wrong way," he says. "But I can't help but notice how well hung you are. Is that natural or did you do something to get it that way?"

"Well, my wife pulls on it all night" the hung guy answers.

"My wife pulls on mine all night too, but I'm not nearly that long" says the first guy.

The hung guy answers -- "Yeah, but we have bunk beds."

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

Two friends -- one white, one black -- were changing in a lockerroom. The white guy says, "Damn all you black guys are so well hung. Is that natural or do you do something to it?"

The black guy answers that it's natural.

"Well I wish I could do something to be that long" the white guys complains.

The black guy says, "Well, why don't you try tying a heavy rock to it?"

"Great idea!" the white guy says.

Three weeks later, they meet each other on the street.

"Hey, how's that suggestion I made working for you?" the black guy asks.

"Fantastic!" says the white guy. "I'm already halfway there -- it's turning black!"

 

[turnstall]

An older couple were driving down the highway directly behind Lorena Bobbit. just then she throws her husbands dick out the car window and splat it hits the older couples windsheild. The elderly woman turns to her husband in shock and says " jesus Lenny did you see the size of the cock on that fly!

 

[B_VinylBoy]

One of my favorites:

A married man was going away for a business trip to Jamaica. He had a wife who was very suspicious of him cheating on her. To fix this, she had the word "Wife" tattooed to his dick with the "W" visible at first glance so people who see it will know that he's spoken for.

After receiving the tattoo, he flew down to Jamaica as planned. Getting off the plane, he needed to relieve himself so he went to the bathroom to take a piss. While he peed, a tall, Jamaican man stood in the urinal next to him also to pee. He discreetly peeked over the banister to see that he ALSO has a "W" tattooed to his dick as well. The two eventually made eye contact. The married man asked, "Does your tattoo say 'W' for 'Wife' too?"

The tall man chuckled and said, "No. It says 'W' for 'Welcome to Jamaica! Have A Nice Day!". :biggrin:

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

LOL. That reminds me of another one --

Two guys are standing at a urinal and one guy notices the other guy has "TINY" tattooed on his dick.

"I don't mean to get personal or anything, but why on earth would anyone put 'TINY' on their dick?"

The guy with the tat laughs. "I was drunk and got my dick tattoed on a dare. I didn't know what to put on it, so I just had him do the name of the town -- Ticonderoga NY"

 

[dc9]

Two women golf buddies are practicing on the putting green and the first woman says: damn I just can't seem to get this putting shit down!
The other woman says, its easy, just imagine how you handle your husbands dick!

So the first woman takes the putter, puts it in her mouth, bends over and swings the putter. The balls goes right in the cup.