Feel so dejected...

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by B_Think_Kink, Jan 20, 2007.

  1. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Ok, well most people have heard my story of sleeping with my gay friend twice... I was talking to him earlier this evening, and he said he is dating a 21 year old guy... (he's 17), and I've met this older dude, he's hot as hell.. Now I understand how twisted it must seem that I can admitt I'm totally in love with my gay friend, and the only logic I can give to you, is that he was "straight, and hadn't realised his orientation" for 5 years before he came out in march.... So I've loved him way longer than this situation existed... I feel horrible because even though we rarely talk anymore, I still want to have sexual relations with him.. I've asked him many times why he keeps letting me have sex with him, but he turns it around and asks me why I want to have sex with him. I don't have an answer, and I desperatly wish I didn't love, or want to have sex with my gay friend....

    ....I just needed to have a mini vent, and get my feeling out...
     
  2. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Awwwwwww sweetie,

    our hearts dont abide by lines of demarcation that well. He was some one you had feelings for and for some of us it take a while to get over it if ever. That is you and how you feel things. Dont think you are strange or insane just because you love someone who because of certain issues is not available to you . I Think this situation is as old as time. Here is a poem by Alexander Pushkin The "Black" russian poet from the 19th century that totally relates to your situation...

    I loved you.
    I love you still too much.
    But forget this love
    that pressed sadly against your will.
    I loved you in silence
    Without hope, but true,
    Jealous , afraid.
    I pray that someone
    May love you again
    the same way...
     
  3. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Thanks naughty.
    I really wished that I didn't have to love him... but as you said love doesn't abide by the rules... I'm just super crushed because I feel like I allowed this to happen... I wanted to have sex with him so bad for so long... and when he started the innocent play on grad night... I told him "I don't want to do this, if it's going to wreck our friendship, I care about you more than anything in the world"... The only wrong thing he said was "it's ok L, we'll only do what your comfortable with, we'll stop if you want".... and there was no going back then.
     
  4. duderino

    duderino New Member

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    That sucks -- seriously. That's a tough pill to swallow for anyone, regardless of circumstance. You have to realize, however, that regardless of how much you'd like to be with him, he's bound by his own circumstances, and they don't mean you're any less wonderful than you know you are. As a person grows older, he'll often develop a better understanding of their own innate tastes, their own, hard-wired, biological identity, and sometimes that differs from the preferences he had when he was younger. I doubt you'd be as attracted now to that first crush you had in the springtime of your adulthood. For some people, it takes a little longer to define those tastes. But the important part is that you have a real friend, and that you can eventually understand that his decision reflects absolutely nothing about you as a person, or as an extremely attractive member of the opposite sex.

    It's tough, I know, and it's especially tough when you're in love with a close friend who doesn't understand -- or, conversely and rather sadistically, understands all too well -- the depth of your attraction. But eventually it will pass.

    I don't know if any of this makes any sense whatsoever, but I undersand your hurt, I've been there, and I know that it sucks so much that I'd never wish it on anybody.

    You'll feel better soon.
     
  5. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Thank you, and yes it makes total sense. But for being young, I feel that I have wasted a huge part of my life trying to nail him... and after almost 6 years, I finally got it, and I felt so used, but so dignified that I had succeeded in doing what I had wanted to for so long.
     
  6. Matthew

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    TK - it's hard to help who you're in lust with. All you can learn to do is contain it so that it's (openly) directed at the right people. In your mind, go ahead and fantasize to your heart's content! :biggrin1:

    Love is another story. I think it's one of life's great challenges to learn to fall in love with people that are capable of reciprocating. It certainly has been one of the great challenges in my life. For me, the trick was realizing that I was subconsciously choosing people who were unavailable to me (already taken, straight, not interested in me, etc.) because I was secretly afraid of being loved, and had a hidden belief that I didn't deserve it. When I got those feelings into the open and struggled to get past them, it was easier for me to fall for "the right guys" and pass over guys who were hot, or sweet, or good friends, but could never be a good partner for me for whatever reason.

    Your situation may be totally different, and maybe my experience won't help you at all. But I just have a feeling that this all may turn out even worse for you if you let your feelings for him grow unchecked. You deserve a guy who can fully give you back what you need. He sounds like he's having fun and cares about you too, but will never reciprocate the depth of your feelings for him.
     
  7. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Thanks Matthew...
    Like I said, I really hate that I'm in lust/love with him, because it complicates so many things. I understand the love reciprocating deal, but I fell in love with him 5 years before he came out. I know that, him coming out alone should have freaked me the hell out, and I should have stopped there, but I didn't. He was so all over the board, talking about dating girls, and giving girls one last chance, that I got caught up in thinking that it was going to be me who was left to decide his fate for him. (Months after... I ended up being that girl). I was so worried about "turning him back" childish I know, but I didn't know any better, I had never talked to anyone about gay guys before he came out. I never understood anything one bit. When I questioned his motives behind sleeping with me, he denied anything at first, and then finally said that "he wanted to create a lasting memory of my grade 12 grad night"...

    And I can totally identify with the afraid of being loved thing, even though the friendship between my friend ^ seems like it was close, and great... it wasn't and he was and is very abusive towards me. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and social phobias just a few weeks ago. They helped me identify why I had become so unstable. The psychiatrist agreed that the emotional, and mental abuse he had put me through had contributed to my problems, and that it was best I stayed right away from him. I think that in the past few weeks I have been able to identify myself as an abused person, and that has been a big step for me. I figured as long as I can heal from that, then my life can only go up wards, but I've also found that, even though going up wards is a process, we also have to step back sometimes, just to realize the progress I've made.

    I hope in due time, that I will be able to fall for the right guys, and enjoy everything life has to offer with a partner, but till then I will loom in and out of the life I know right now.
     
  8. duderino

    duderino New Member

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    I wholeheartedly second what Matthew just wrote. I'm not that much older (I'm only 27), but in the past five or seven years I've come to realize that the whole fun of being young is to explore new people and new experiences. Look back not to fault yourself, but instead for motivation to do something different from what you did the last time. The past is a reference. The future is us to you.
     
  9. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Definitely,

    It is an age-old and sorrowsome love story indeed, yet you must come to realize that there are others that you will:

    1) love as much and lose
    2) lose as much and love
    3)lose and lose
    4) love and love

    The point is that there are many out there for us. If your love is not for you, there are others who can be your love... it is the law of nature. The difficutly is accepting and believing this,.. it hurts very much. When you persist and find your real love, all wil be forgotten. If you were wiser, you would still remember the forgotten while indulging in your love ;)
     
  10. snoozan

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    I have a little anecdote for you that may or may not help. I was in love, I mean, absolutely insane over this guy from the time I was 13 until I was 19. For many reasons he was never available to me, he wasn't interested, he dated other girls, etc. We would have sex here and there and everytime that was a rollercoaster of emotion. I obsessed for a long, long, time over him.

    It's now 10 years later and I haven't seen him since I was 19. I got a MySpace account and found his profile. We've talked few times. Our lives have taken such different paths that I can't begin to fathom what my interest was in the first place. In many ways I made him up in my mind as much or more than he actually existed. At 29, he's a drug addict, still lives at home with his mother, works as a clerk at a liquor store, and barely has a 10th grade education. There's nothing wrong with any of that except maybe the drug addict part, it's just that he has chosen to live a life that's very different than one that I could see myself living. At 29, I'm a college graduate, I own my own little business, I'm married to someone that is sucessful and smart, and I have a wonderful child. The man I married is much more the person I would want to be with, and much more compatible with me. The life I live is a much better one than I could ever have with the guy from high school. I would not have believed when I was 18 that I wouldn't love this guy for the rest of my life.

    I don't think you should try to change your feelings for him-- they will be what they will. Just realize that they aren't permanent, and don't let them rule your actions even if they rule your thoughts. Eventually life will put you in a situation with someone healthy and available if you act in healthy ways, even if you're not feeling things that are healthy.

    One thing I also wanted to mention is to keep up with your psychiatrist and therapist, they can really help you through this time in your life. I'm bipolar and medicated and all that fun stuff, and I regret that I didn't get treatment for about 7-8 years until I got really sick. This may be a transient thing for you, but lean on the professionals for as long as you need them.

    Most of all, don't beat yourself up over this-- you are what you are right now and that's okay. This isn't going to get solved in a day, or a month, and probably not in a year. Do the best you can to move on, and please, don't let him abuse you. You are too funny, bright, sprited, and clever to deserve anything less than being treated like a queen.
     
  11. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Hehe, just scares me how short sighted we are at any age!

    Honestly, right now for me... I'm about to graduate (undergraduate) college and have long since applied to a few graduate programs. In 3-4 months, I could anywhere end up living for another 2-3 years in MI, CA, FL, or NY..... needless to say quite diverse locations.

    I'm just starting to get involved with a woman who I genuinely like very much. It scares me to think that I'll live a world away in a couple months (assuming we do get together --- but honestly,... I can tell when things are moving towards a relationship vs. when they are not... and this one is) and only bring heartbreak to the whole event :/ I'm very preparred for a girlfriend right now too though, considering im just short of a year of being without one. This makes it all very much a dilema, whether or not I should even be pursuing women at all considering the uncertainty of my own future (1), considering the just random future of college life (2), and the unknown she's a younger gal than I and likely less experienced overall, so that is always a .... ? ... so who knows.....

    anything to say there folks? (hehe, I give lots of wise advice, but doesn't mean I could use some!)
     
  12. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Me = uncanny ability to end any thread with a valid and well-thought-out post :(
     
  13. snoozan

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    Here's my advice, which you can take or leave... Go to grad school at the place that is best for what your future goals are. Work your ass off in school and in your free time, screw anything with a pulse and have as much fun as you can. Right now it's more important that you get your education done with unencumbered. You'll have plenty of time for a girlfriend when you're strapped to a job and/or settled in somewhere on a more permanent basis.

    This is the advice I will give my son when he's your age. I've seen too many people settle down too young and shortchange themselves careerwise, life experience-wise, fun-wise, etc. One of my best friends is in the middle of a divorce and in the middle of his internship as a physician and it's a giant mess.
     
  14. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Awww, thanks! :)

    Very touching advice.

    I agree with you that grad school at the best place I can go to is the best for me (which basically as it works out means - the farthest away from where I currently live is the best as far as academics go, making it all the tougher).

    "screw anything with a pulse and have as much fun as you can." --- I WISH!!!!! (ehh, maybe) :p If things went that way, we wouldn't have these discussions of meeting girls and girlfriends and caring of people LOL, but that isn't reality... at least for me,.. I guess I don't fit in as a "swinger" :p

    Heh, I guess my dilema right now is that I'm in the right position and timeline right now that I'm ready for a girlfriend. Yet, my position overall in time is not ready for that. There is so much uncertainty, to the point that I might be living on opposite sides of the country... both west, south or north... in a matter of 4 months.

    I feel weird because about 2 months ago, or perhaps a few more,.. all along this school year,.. I could tell that I would end up with a girlfriend. It is like an inevitability. Like I said, as far as a relationship timeline (approx 1 year since my last break-up) it is perfect timing for me to enter a new relationship when I meet someone who works well with me. So it seems as if my relationship type life is completely separate from my business (?) type life at this age. That makes it difficult since they are not synchronized! Especially since I plan on a PHD after graduate (master's) school, which adds another 4-5 years after the next 2-3 years before the two timelines are supposedly united. Heh, and I guess the problem with that is I'm not capable of "screwing everything I can :p" as you mentioned.. it's just my personality. I basically have lots of sex if I'm in a committed relationship and none otherwise.

    I appreciate your advice a lot though! :)
    I really know that I would take my education over anything else that could happen to me right now, but it makes me feel bittersweet to think so, you know? What I can give up in pursuit of knowledge, what I can gain in pursuit of nothing.
     
  15. Principessa

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    Oh honey,

    To be in love with someone who can never love you the way you want, and need to be loved is one of the worst pains on earth. I haven't been in your exact shoes; but I do know that type of heartache.
    I know you love him but you need some distance from him right now.

    I live with major depression and anxiety. I see a therapist regularly and take my meds like clockwork. It helps! You may want to do what I call cocoon for a little while. That's okay and normal; but don't isolate. When you isolate you risk falling down what I call the rabbit hole of depression. Then it's really hard to climb back out.

    Not sure I agree with Matthew about being able to choose who you love. Mainly because I've not yet done that with any great success, but apparently it works for some people.

    If I read Snoozan's anecdote correctly, "living well is the best revenge." She is right. Hold on to that knowledge and don't let go.

    That may be difficult for you to see right now because you are grieving. You have lost a tremendous love and a best friend. However he is dating...happily, and apparently not thinking about you or your heart. You have to think about your heart and your life and move on, without him. Maybe in a few years you can be platonic friends, but not right now.

    Right now TK it's all about you. You have to focus on being physically, emotionally, and mentally well. Anybody that cannot aide you in this endeavor cannot be in your life right now. I know it sounds cruel but it's true. You have a great spirit and beauty and you deserve to be happy.

    njqt466






     
  16. Principessa

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    Pumblechook,

    If it's meant to be she will wait. Go to school.

    I had a similar decision to make about grad school many years ago and chose the best school for me. Three hours away. My boyfriend and I ended up breaking up after 10 years. This was two months before the completion of my M.A.T. and one month before my 30th birthday. Can you say stressful?

    I work with a woman who met her husband back stage at a play one month before she left to go to Texas for 2 years for grad school. She was acting in the play, and he came backstage to tell her how great he thought her performance was. Since she wasn't about to pass up grad school for a guy she just met, but really liked she laid it on the line and said if this is meant to be you will either have to wait for me to come back and attempt a long distance relationship or not. They did the long distance thing and married 6 months after completion of her MFA in theater. She and her lawyer husband live happily with 3 cats in North Jersey.


     
  17. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Ah, rought first story there :/ I definately understand your stress for that situation.

    Nice second story. That is sort of like my step-brother and his gf now. One lives in St. Louis and one in D.C. and they've been dating this way for a few years now. So, I guess the lesson there is that long distance can actually work, even though it seems like it wouldn't ever pan out and is irrealistic. LOL at the 3 cats in NJ btw :p

    Like I said, I'm just going to let us go naturally and not cut it short or long or anything, so I pretty much feel like I'll end up in one of the two above described positions if we end up getting close enough to each other by the time May comes.

    So I guess the weird thing is knowing I'm in for a stressful/gut-wrenching experience ahead and there's nothing I want to do to stop it or start it or anything to effect the natural course. We just have to see what happens.

    Heh, they say knowing the future is a bad thing and I agree.
     
  18. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Thanks Snoozan, pumblechook, and njqt...
    I no longer have the aid of my therapist, because she moved on to a new profession, I'm not currently being medicated for depression because the phyciatrst is really busy here, being that I think there is two in town. Life will eventually move forward, but right now it seems useless, I hate both myself, and him because of the contributation to my fall... I'm not going to say yet that he is happily dating this guy, since it has only been a few days... I'm not really worried about the relationship because he is highly incompatable, he has his own problems that he wont face, and they get the better of him.

    I'm having a brain freeze for things to say, I'll reply later on when I get back from work.
     
  19. Matthew

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    TK - what you said about him being abusive sent up red flags for me. You have the right not to be abused in your relationships, especially with friends and lovers. My new take is distance yourself from this guy as much as you can and start to take care of yourself. You are a good person and you deserve to have people around who will support you and make you happy. If you happen to be suffering from low self-esteem, a person who is abusive can be a magnet to you because s/he is reinforcing your subconscious bad feelings about self. Get away - you can always rescue the friendship later if you want to when you are feeling good and healthy. But in the meantime, focus on putting people and situations in place around you who will build you up and help you through the difficult period you are in.
     
  20. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    It makes much more sence to me now, than it did...when I researched emotional abuse, I found long term effects:
    Isolation from others - Low self-esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - Illness - Increased alcohol or drug use - Withdrawal from real life into an Internet alternative reality
    And this is my life exactly, really focusing on the internet alternative reality... LPSG, is only one of many forums I freqent daily, and it kills my parents to see me be totally fine day after day, living through my computer. But I've basically reasoned it to, it is the easiest way to output my emotions, because no one can tell how I'm feeling, or if I'm having a bad day, compared to the next.​
     
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