Feeling ‘stuck’ In A Relationship.

Cupid92

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Hi everyone, I wanted to ask the general community what they all thought of this.
My partner and I are madly in love. I mean I love him and am all about him all the time. Our sex life is not great we may have anal sex once per month and oral maybe twice or three times. I am someone who wants to fool around a lot. I’m very sexual and would be able to do so at least once a day. I know not everyone is like this. We have been together for almost 6 years.
I have brought up the discussion about having fun with others or asking others to join us generally they are met with opposition obviously COVID has not helped. Is anyone else in this situation? Any thoughts or help?
 
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malakos

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Opening up a relationship is rarely a productive solution to a problem with a couple's sex life. More often it just leads to the dissolution of the relationship. So before even considering that avenue, I think you should exhaustively account for the issue with your partner.

Could you say some more about why your sex life is lagging so far behind what you would like?
 
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dreambridger

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I say go for it; it sounds like you two have a really strong bond and that you'll be able to count on him.

My only suggestion is that when you tell him, not to make it out like he's not giving you enough, because that might make him feel bad. Just keep it simple, say that you have a stronger a libido than him and that you'd like to explore enjoying others just for sex. Nothing to be ashamed of in that.

I'll admit once I was on the other end of this situation in the relationship, and honestly, I felt really relieved when he told me he was sleeping with others. I find it stressful to feel like I'm the one responsible for the other person's sexual happiness. I don't think it's ever healthy in the relationship for one person feel like they're solely responsible for someone else's fulfillment -- that's when codependency can develop. A healthy relationship is when each person takes responsibility for their own happiness. So seeking your own happiness can only make your relationship better in the end, if the love is real, which it sounds like it is. :)
 

Cupid92

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Thank you both for weighing in on this. I think dream hit it, I have a very high libido and want to fuck or fool around all the time like all the time and when it goes weeks on end it’s challenging cause then I feel I’m not providing enough or he isn’t providing enough so it’s tough and puts a wedge in it. Dream, did that relationship end because of openness? I honestly don’t even want to be fully open. I wouldn’t mind if we have a 3 sum or a couple who we fooled around with honestly I just want to have sex. I also do believe I have developed some co dependency on him too cause I feel that I am always trying to do something, I don’t know I just honestly think a regular person or couple on the side would help. Maybe not?
 

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Dream, did that relationship end because of openness?
No, not at all. But it did end partially because of codependency.

But I wouldn't worry about that because it sounds like you really love this guy, and the relationship I referred to had false pretenses I didn't realize until the end, and I see in retrospect that the love wasn't authentic.
I also do believe I have developed some co dependency on him too cause I feel that I am always trying to do something, I don’t know I just honestly think a regular person or couple on the side would help. Maybe not?
I know the feeling of "always trying to do something" for your partner. I guess what I would ask is if he set any precedent for that feeling? Is he needy? Does he seem to be disappointed? Does he act like he's not being fully fulfilled? Because if he's happy, then it must mean the feeling is simply coming from you. Perhaps you're displacing your own needs on to your partner, because for some personalities, it's easier to care for others than it is to care for yourself. My guess is that you need to do something for your own happiness, and you're waiting for permission. Obviously you need to consult with your partner if you plan on sleeping with others, but you certainly don't need anyone's permission to admit your own needs to yourself and seek happiness. Like I said in the last post, there's nothing to be ashamed of in the desires you're having. Please be honest with your partner that you're feeling this way and that it has nothing to do with his failure to provide. You owe both him and yourself that.
 

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I also feel like mentioning that my parents have always been an open relationship, and they're still together and love each other very much, it's probably a huge psychological factor in why I'm so pro-open relationship. Growing up, nearly all my friends had divorced parents, and nearly always because of jealousy/suspicion/adultery. I would talk about this with my parents as a child, and they would always reassure me that that would never happen to them, that having an affair deserves compassion and isn't something that would destroy their relationship. I remember the way my dad would put it, he'd always say that in their marriage they don't practice "genital ownership" lol. So obviously, there's pathos behind my opinion.
 

Cupid92

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No, not at all. But it did end partially because of codependency.

But I wouldn't worry about that because it sounds like you really love this guy, and the relationship I referred to had false pretenses I didn't realize until the end, and I see in retrospect that the love wasn't authentic.

I know the feeling of "always trying to do something" for your partner. I guess what I would ask is if he set any precedent for that feeling? Is he needy? Does he seem to be disappointed? Does he act like he's not being fully fulfilled? Because if he's happy, then it must mean the feeling is simply coming from you. Perhaps you're displacing your own needs on to your partner, because for some personalities, it's easier to care for others than it is to care for yourself. My guess is that you need to do something for your own happiness, and you're waiting for permission. Obviously you need to consult with your partner if you plan on sleeping with others, but you certainly don't need anyone's permission to admit your own needs to yourself and seek happiness. Like I said in the last post, there's nothing to be ashamed of in the desires you're having. Please be honest with your partner that you're feeling this way and that it has nothing to do with his failure to provide. You owe both him and yourself that.
these feeling are coming from me directly. Thank you for your advice
 

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Hi everyone, I wanted to ask the general community what they all thought of this.
My partner and I are madly in love. I mean I love him and am all about him all the time. Our sex life is not great we may have anal sex once per month and oral maybe twice or three times. I am someone who wants to fool around a lot. I’m very sexual and would be able to do so at least once a day. I know not everyone is like this. We have been together for almost 6 years.
I have brought up the discussion about having fun with others or asking others to join us generally they are met with opposition obviously COVID has not helped. Is anyone else in this situation? Any thoughts or help?

Has your sexual issues with your partner been that way from the beginning. If they've changed, why do you think they have changed?

When you have spoken to your partner about this, what has he actually said?

For you, is it purely about the frequency or is it the need to have sex with more than one person?

The answer to these questions are important because without knowing these things it's impossible to give you fair advice.
 

winesthel945

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Opening up a relationship is rarely a productive solution to a problem with a couple's sex life. More often it just leads to the dissolution of the relationship. So before even considering that avenue, I think you should exhaustively account for the issue with your partner. Could you say some more about why your sex life is lagging so far behind what you would like?

I would have to disagree... opening a relationship is only the beginning of the end if the opening is more of a trial breakup rather than an allowance for disparate libidos. But you're absolutely right about the "accounting"... you have to understand what the issues are so that you can figure out what the solutions would look like. Once you understand it, then you can figure out if there's more than a libido mis-match at work. If it's just a libido issue, you can find ways to accommodate the differences if your relationship is otherwise strong. But if the underlying relationship has issues, those issues will be present regardless of open or closed.

As long as there is strong communication and an understanding of each person's comfort levels and needs, then you could absolutely have a situation where opening the relationship makes it stronger because it takes away any disappointment or resentment around sexual frustrations.
 

Cupid92

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Has your sexual issues with your partner been that way from the beginning. If they've changed, why do you think they have changed?

When you have spoken to your partner about this, what has he actually said?

For you, is it purely about the frequency or is it the need to have sex with more than one person?

The answer to these questions are important because without knowing these things it's impossible to give you fair advice.
No the ‘issues’ haven’t been from the beginning. But I do like to have sex more often and different types of sex more frequently then him. He did open up recently about how he feels I need to do more in terms of ‘cooking’ or ‘housework’ etc.
I have spoken to him it was meant with opposition but didn’t discuss after that. I would say it’s frequency and others I’m just always horny for dick.