Feeling Guilty Hooking Up

randomrandom

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I am 23 years old, I have talked to guys on Grindr before but never met with one, I really want to but I feel guilty doing so and I feel if I was to, I'd walk away from it ashamed of myself, there isn't really a question to this other than is this normal? Do you get over this guilty feeling?
 
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headbang8

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Guilt generally doesn’t arise out of stigma against the act which causes it. It’s often more a question of self-esteem. Do you feel guilty about allowing yourself other pleasures? Do you think you don’t deserve the pleasure a hookup can bring? Do you feel your partner will leave disappointed?

Rest assured, you are entitled to use your body in any way you like, and there’s nothing shameful about sharing your body with anyone to whom you consent. It’s normal, gay or straight. You own your own body, and it’s your right to experiment with it. If someone else desires your body, you can feel proud of that. Using your body for some nicely undignified fun is your right as its owner.

The good news is that yes, the feeling eventually abates. Not every hookup will work out, and not every guy will treat your body with the respect you deserve. Show those guys the door. But don’t let that cause you to lose respect for yourself. Little by little, the good hookups will outnumber the bad, and you’ll find that the kind of sexual adventure that hooking up provides can yield moments of satisfaction and pleasure. You deserve it.
 

Brodie888

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What you are describing is very common. Especially if you have had a very religious upbringing or belong to a minority where homosexuality brings shame to the family.

You may or may not be in the above situation but no matter what, it comes back to you searching your own feelings of why you feel this way and whether or not those feelings are valid or a product of passive indoctrinated homophobia.

If you are willing to explain where that shame comes from, I think it would be beneficial to others on this forum to discuss.

As an answer to your question, I come from a religious family and growing up I was in a lot of denial. When I first start having gay sex it felt amazing during but I felt bad after.

What really helped me was being in a relationship with another man rather than random sex to begin with. It clarified that I was no different in terms of needs as a straight person does, it's just that I am wired to meet those needs with another man.
 

malakos

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The generally unsettled feeling of something being not quite right won't necessarily go away just by sheer passage of time. Whether it does or not depends on a few factors, including in particular:

1) What precisely you're having the feeling about.
2) What conditioning is causing the dissonance, and how ingrained it is, or what values, and how integrated they are to the core of your person.
3) Your ability to reflect on the issue, comprehend it, and discern what will move you towards resolving it.
4) What actions you take to adapt, given the awareness from #3.

I'm putting this all in very neutral terms, because whether the feeling is a nuisance or an appropriate intuitive check depends on what precisely you're reacting to, and how it relates to your values.

Lastly, I'll elaborate on what I meant by #1. There are multiple aspects of the idea of hooking up from Grindr that could cause some internal resistance. It could be the homosexuality bit that is tripping you up. Alternatively, your issue could be with the casualness typically involved with hooking up off Grindr. Perhaps, more specifically, it's actually the thought of having sex with a stranger, whereas you wouldn't mind hooking up with a friend you knew. Maybe you fear for your physical health, and haven't yet figured out what you need to do to minimize that risk. Getting some sense of what it is that is causing you this internal unrest I think would be a solid starting point for figuring out how to proceed.
 

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It's hard to know why you feel the guilt without more background. Perhaps you should respect it, but perhaps not. For me, it was strong religious teaching that created such guilt. It wasn't until I accepted my sexuality and has some conversations with God where I explained why I was no longer choosing to feel guilty where I largely got over it. The biggest thing for me was that I would leave a Craigslist hook up (back in the day) feeling dirty. That stopped when I did a better job of picking guys to meet with. When I met someone and we clicked, wow. I left feeling elated.
 

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I have never felt guilty or regretted a hook up I’ve had. It is what it is, two people who engage in sex, have a great connection during that time, and generally part pays afterwards. To me there is nothing to feel guilty about, you both know the rules, you know it’s won’t mean anything and you’ll both be satisfied afterwards. Win win for me.
 

draco88

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Okay i am going to confess something that i did but i regret that i did it:
I had sex with my married neighbour. It all started with one whatsapp message. Just a simple one.
Later on i started to notice the meaning of his tekst. And i was curious about him. But i knew he was married.
Yet one night my hornyness won. He had asked me if i wanted to come over to his place?
I did and a few moments later whe were naked in his bed. At that moment it felt awesome.
But as soon as i left i felt guilty. Guilty to his husband. Also around that time i had met my (future) husband so i also felt guilty to him.
I told my guy about everything and he understood it very well. (Thank God)
It was a one time thing for me because the fantasy was better then reallity. He wasnt that good. And after he came he already put his clothes back on and didnt help me.
Now i still feel guilty.
 
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malakos

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Okay i am going to confess something that i did but i regret that i did it:
I had sex with my married neighbour. It all started with one whatsapp message. Just a simple one.
Later on i started to notice the meaning of his tekst. And i was curious about him. But i knew he was married.
Yet one night my hornyness won. He had asked me if i wanted to come over to his place?
I did and a few moments later whe were naked in his bed. At that moment it felt awesome.
But as soon as i left i felt guilty. Guilty to his husband. Also around that time i had met my (future) husband so i also felt guilty to him.
I told my guy about everything and he understood it very well. (Thank God)
It was a one time thing for me because the fantasy was better then reallity. He wasnt that good. And after he came he already put his clothes back on and didnt help me.
Now i still feel guilty.

At least you feel remorse over it. That's already saying a lot in these parts.
 

tito21

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Okay i am going to confess something that i did but i regret that i did it:
I had sex with my married neighbour. It all started with one whatsapp message. Just a simple one.
Later on i started to notice the meaning of his tekst. And i was curious about him. But i knew he was married.
Yet one night my hornyness won. He had asked me if i wanted to come over to his place?
I did and a few moments later whe were naked in his bed. At that moment it felt awesome.
But as soon as i left i felt guilty. Guilty to his husband. Also around that time i had met my (future) husband so i also felt guilty to him.
I told my guy about everything and he understood it very well. (Thank God)
It was a one time thing for me because the fantasy was better then reallity. He wasnt that good. And after he came he already put his clothes back on and didnt help me.
Now i still feel guilty.

Like the old saying, the only way to get over your guild is to face it. Start organising for a gangbang with your husband + your married neighbour + his husband. Get it all out in the open!
 

randomrandom

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Thanks for the help so far, I think it stems from the casualness and more so the fact I have not had sex before, and for my first time to be through a Grindr hookup when there is such a stigma behind the app puts me off, but I have never met anyone in day to day life who we have been mutually interested or come close to hooking up with anyone from day to day life, and I would like to hook up with someone and Grindr seems the most obvious answer
 
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deleted15862221

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I grew up with an abusive father who was homophobic. For years going with a guy made me feel and be physically sick.
 
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SgtGirth

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I have never felt guilty or regretted a hook up I’ve had. It is what it is, two people who engage in sex, have a great connection during that time, and generally part pays afterwards. To me there is nothing to feel guilty about, you both know the rules, you know it’s won’t mean anything and you’ll both be satisfied afterwards. Win win for me.
Yes! Absolutely! This!

As someone who was raised as a Roman Catholic, here's an early insight that struck me about the time I was beginning to understand myself as gay: The Normal (i.e. Straight) Rules of Sex and Sexuality Do Not Apply to Gay Men (Or Lesbians For That Matter).

A lot of straight people don't understand this, basically because they're often unwilling or unable to put themselves in our shoes. That's how you can end up with situations like the Karen who's such a big gay rights supporter, who insists on barging her way into our spaces, who's so shocked and appalled by the sight of an erect penis that she calls the cops to complain and basically causes the loss of one of our small number of spaces (and yes that is a true story).

Conservatives actually make this point for us when they insist that gay men are "called to a life of chastity," or some such twatwaffle. Their rules for us are just stupid and ill informed because since when did they ever concern themselves with the lived experience of gay men (or indeed, of anyone who's not a cisgendered white American Christian conservative?)

That doesn't mean that there are no rules and you can do whatever you want. Just that they're different. Because men are different. Chasing after a moral code that's structured with the needs and desires of straight men and women in mind is a fool's errand. Lots of the restrictions placed on them have zero purpose for us. Lots of the support they receive is meant to help them in situations we really don't see much. Instead, you need to understand what's appropriate behavior for a gay man instead of blindly following whatever we teach straight men to do or not do.
 
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theplayerking

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Thanks for the help so far, I think it stems from the casualness and more so the fact I have not had sex before, and for my first time to be through a Grindr hookup when there is such a stigma behind the app puts me off, but I have never met anyone in day to day life who we have been mutually interested or come close to hooking up with anyone from day to day life, and I would like to hook up with someone and Grindr seems the most obvious answer
There’s only stigma if you make it. No one else needs to know. Most of us have fantasies about meeting a hot guy our age and having an intense and memorable exploration period, but even if you look like a Corbin Fisher model, that mainly happens in the movies. I went to boarding school and elite private university, but my initial hook ups and sexual explorations were with guys I met online and only marginally attracted to.

Start with something light. Maybe JO with optional oral. The Hallmark/porn fantasy is just that; a fantasy. Have fun and enjoy. I wish I were your age again with PrEP and the apps we have now. Life (and especially youth) is short. Be safe and sensible, but enjoy it while you can.
 

heavymetalxxx

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I am 23 years old, I have talked to guys on Grindr before but never met with one, I really want to but I feel guilty doing so and I feel if I was to, I'd walk away from it ashamed of myself, there isn't really a question to this other than is this normal? Do you get over this guilty feeling?
are you cheating on someone else? otherwise I don't understand why you would feel guilty about two consenting adults meeting for casual sex