Feeling like I'm lousy in bed

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mountainguy, Mar 31, 2008.

  1. mountainguy

    mountainguy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northeastern United States
    I'm a 26-year old gay male and I have a problem . . . I feel like I'm not any good at having sex.

    I came out when I was 19 and I lost my virginity at age 22 when I messed around with a friend. It was an awkward experience and I chalked it up at the time to nerves. But since then, I've been with three other guys, and I haven't enjoyed the experience. To be exact, I've never found the sensation of kissing or receiving oral sex to be pleasurable and I have difficulty achieving orgasm from handjobs or anal sex.

    This isn't a "one-night stand" problem either. Around a year ago, I dated someone for around five months. My boyfriend was always patient with me in bed, but I never felt like my performance "improved" with time.

    What's going on? I feel like there's something wrong with me. I know that I'm gay, but why can't I perform?
     
  2. auditek

    auditek New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ireland
    maybe your bi
     
  3. mountainguy

    mountainguy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2007
    Messages:
    46
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northeastern United States
    But I'm not attracted to women!:confused:
     
  4. D_Portelay Porquesword

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2008
    Messages:
    3,107
    Likes Received:
    5
    Definitely other issues here. I suppose when you are ready the answers will make themselves known. That is how it's always worked for me.

    In the mean time, treat yourself to something fun and leave the problem alone for a while. Nothing is wrong with you, it is just the intricacies of working out sexual needs/issues etc.
     
  5. 56789

    56789 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2006
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    In my opinion you have not came across the right match for you yet. Just give it a little time and you will find someone that is of your taste. Another question is have you discovered what your taste is, are you into fetsihes?, etc... you discover what it is that you really like and you will shoot off like a rocket.
     
  6. Mule

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    1,558
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Midwest US
    Verified:
    Photo
    If you can perform when it's just you and your hands, this is probably more of an interpersonal problem - either your nerves are getting the best of you, or you have some kind of deep-seated psychological issue of being in a sexual situation with another person. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to ask your doctor for a referral to a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist.
     
  7. Gillette

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,309
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Nova Scotia
    It's possible that subconciously you're not as attracted physically or on a personal level as you thought or hoped you were. I don't mean male vs. female but the individuals themselves.

    I've dated people who if I were to describe their appearance it would be "Wow" and their personalities I'd say, "Fantastic" but yet somehow I didn't feel a connection with them. Everything was perfect except for the complete lack of chemistry.

    Maybe you just need somebody you yearn for.
    Just a possibility to ponder.
     
  8. tripod

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2006
    Messages:
    5,250
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    465
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Statesville N.C.
    It seems to me that you are not attracted to yourself... you have to have some type of attraction to yourself like, "Oh yeah... I'd fuck me in a heartbeat!" If you wouldn't wanna make love to yourself, then your lovemaking will be strained and awkward with others. You have to get right with you... as soon as you do, you will feel and make love like a true stud.

    Do what makes your soul feel good on your days off. Start working out regularly. Change and improve your diet. Renew your interests in the hobbies that you had as a child and teenager. Work on becoming a little more spiritual and most of all, look at hot and steamy high quality porn. Watch how they hold each other, how they kiss, and ultimately how they fuck each other. Just repeat the moves that you find hot in porn movies and you will be in business brother!!! :smile:
     
  9. erratic

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    4,410
    Likes Received:
    287
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    If you are concerned enough about it to get a referral to a sex therapist or other counselor I would suggest you get blood work from your doctor. That way you can be sure whether you're producing an average level of testosterone. I have known people with the issues you brought up (love the relationship, not so enamoured of the sex) and the issues at the heart of it tended to be biological (low testosterone), internal (bad self image) or in the couple (no spark, no physical attraction). So before you go into therapy or anything like that get the medical stuff ruled out. No amount of talk therapy could solve a testosterone deficiency.

    That being said, you do need to rule out if you've been in lust with your partners, if they're tweaking your buttons, and if there's adequate communication so you get your needs met during sex. Most of that you can do on your own.
     
  10. erratic

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    4,410
    Likes Received:
    287
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Also (sorry I'm so long-winded) people are not born great at sex. If you're afraid you might not be, then give yourself some homework to do. Explore yourself, write down what works, get your partner to do it. Go to workshops if there are any available (you can usually find these things out where sex toys are sold).
     
Draft saved Draft deleted