Feeling sexually desired

Zhugezen

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I’ve come to realize that I have never really known or felt sexually desired, for various reasons, which are understandable and not the point of this post. This has been a source of hurt, which I am addressing. But what I am curious about is hearing from others who have been sexually desired, how does that feel, how does that make you feel. Of course it is positive (for the most part I’d assume), but I’d like to hear people’s thoughts and experiences. Wonder how that felt when you were younger (I was not, or at least I didn’t feel it, because of society, bias, circumstance, low self esteem, blah blah); also experiences of feeling this when older or later in life. Thanks in advance for sharing.
 

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Hmmm

So. I “identified” as straight for most of my life. Being overweight. I truly never felt desired by women. My 1st real girlfriend had sex with me. But admitted sex wasn’t really something she desired so obviously she didn’t desire me. But she had swx with me because she knew I wanted to have sex.


My first wife was addicted to sex and also believed sex was how you showed love. So she has sex with me constantly, but i didn’t feel as if the desire was for me. But the act.

My wife now. When we dated, and before we had a baby. Seemed to truly desire me 100%. Since having our child however she doesn’t seem to desire sex, or me at all. It’s heartbreaking.

Now. As an older male. I’ve began to see myself as bisexual. I truly like men and women equally. And the desire I feel FROM men seems to be far more powerful and aggressive than any women I’ve met. I’ll admit. It’s an intoxicating feeling and turns me on more than I thought possible
 
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Zhugezen

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Thanks so much for sharing your experience and thoughts. The comparisons were helpful to understand the differences, and to hear your current experience is encouraging. Yes, intoxicating is a great word to describe this. Very helpful. It is a powerful and exciting feeling… I suppose I’ve had glimpses of this, though I feel I’ve never had a truly maximal experience. Anyway, thank you again for being willing to share. I hope your home life is content and your sexual life is satisfying.

Would love to hear others thoughts of how it is to feel sexually desired, and its intoxicating effects! I want to understand what I may be missing.
 

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But what I am curious about is hearing from others who have been sexually desired, how does that feel, how does that make you feel. Of course it is positive (for the most part I’d assume), but I’d like to hear people’s thoughts and experiences.
I didn't feel sexually desired for a long time until I was in college. While I could be friends with women who I would have loved to date, I was to shy too actually ask anyone out. That change in college when one of my classmates expressed interest in me and one of my friends confirmed it. So I asked her out, she said yes, and we started to date. I was still timid about what to do how much to try, not going beyond where she was comfortable, etc. which was all running around my head

Our 2nd date was actually her birthday and we went to an already planned dinner with lots of friends. I took her home and we chatted inside for a few minutes, We had a really nice goodnight kiss at the end of our first date, and had kissed while slow dancing earlier in the evening. We had a goodnight kiss which turned very passionate and we ended up kissing goodnight for at least 15-20 minutes! My hands did wander and cup and caress her breasts, but there was no below the belt touching. That was my first time of actually feeling desired, even though we weren't having sex.

Wonder how that felt when you were younger (I was not, or at least I didn’t feel it, because of society, bias, circumstance, low self esteem, blah blah); also experiences of feeling this when older or later in life. Thanks in advance for sharing.
When I finally did have sex, (another woman, later on) it was amazing of course and when a woman looks at you with lust in her eyes and tears of her clothes to get naked with you it's the best feeling in the world.

Having said that, I was still the shy, awkward guy that struggled to ask women out. That improved over a looong period of time, but has never ever gone completely away. I kind of fell into some nice sexual experiences and relationships over the years. Ultimately, once a woman and I get to know each other and enjoy each other sexually, that desire is there. I always had strong desires for every woman I've ever dates or been with, but to see hear, and feel that desire come back at you is amazing.

Ultimately it's about finding the right person for you, that likes you for exactly what and who you are.
 
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marriedasian

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The feeling of being sexually desired is not something that can be given but something that you react to based on your own personal life-experience in what you've learned to expect as someone sexually desiring you. It can be as simple as your partner grabbing your privates all day long to being whispered sexy words here and there. The point is, there is no clear definition of being sexually desired if what is being done to you doesn't trigger a sexual response or at least a sexual response that you would consider being sexually desired... make sense?

I've been sexually desired for both good and bad reasons. The most obvious was because I debunked the myth of asians having small dicks. Because of that and rumors, many women (especially the ones whom had asian fetishes) would seek me out and desired me sexually however I did not feel sexually desired. Over time, I felt more sexually used/abused than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I totally gave in and took the pussy but it left me feeling more empty than not once I came to terms with why women was throwing themselves at me. I learned to use/abuse those women back and simply enjoyed the physical act of it when it happened because I wasn't gonna turn down free pussy.

Of course, I've been truly sexually desired the good way and that feels wonderful. When a woman desires you sexually genuinely, you'll know it. Their demeanor and character changes entirely when you're around. They exude sexuality in everything they do around you, the way they move, the way they talk, the way they do things on purpose to make you notice them to encourage a sexual outcome. That is what it is to be sexually desired; when a person goes out of their way to get a sexual outcome with you at their own volition or self-sacrifice.
 

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First, I LOVE this question. It allowed me to think about this from many different angles. I've never been desired. For me, when I think about it. It was either to fulfill a need, a fetish or experimentation. So many of my hookups have been very transactional. However, now that I am more clear about who I am and what I want. I'm learning how to desire myself. It's a journey but it's worth it. I think desire and self worth are connected. When when you know what you're worth. You refuse to settle for bullshit. Just my five cents. ❤
 
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Sagittarius84

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The feeling of being sexually desired is not something that can be given but something that you react to based on your own personal life-experience in what you've learned to expect as someone sexually desiring you.
I get where you're going with this but I can't wholly agree. I've crossed certain thresholds in life where my reaction meant little to nothing in how women expressed sexual desire, it was just a matter of if they did or not, and how that looked, whether or not the feeling was reciprocated.
I've also had similar experiences with racially motivated fetishism which indeed made me feel cheap or used in retrospect, but I could compartmentalize and appreciate the genuine sexual desire expressed, as opposed to the desire experienced from those not motivated by a fetish, but by what transactionally they could gain from a relationship or sex with me.

To OP, I sympathize with your experience, but I think it's a very necessary one for men especially in dealing with women. I think the interactions and behavioral analysis of women/females are far more accurate when they do not have genuine sexual desire for you, and I suspect that can trickle down to all genders and sexualities. Genuine sexual desire makes a girl that should end up with a Russell Wilson have a baby daddy like Future, it makes most people abandon or hide their truth for access to an opportunity. I think the men with the best relationships in adulthood were able to observe the unfiltered, often unflattering truth through adolescence and young adulthood, which empowers them to make better more sustainable partner choices later on when they have reached thresholds that tend to trigger more genuine desire.
 

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I sometimes wonder if I felt more desired by women, if I would lean more towards them sexually. I had one gf as a teenager. but due to her living far away and religious beliefs we never had sex. tbh I'm not sure I wanted to with her. She did genuinely seem attracted to me though. she was very pretty looked kind of like Jenniffer Lawrence. but more curvy.

I have pretty much identified as gay since then, but I have never been with a women, and I know I have definitely desired them before.

I have in some ways been with more men than I would like to say. some of it was really good, some pretty mediocre. not many seriously relationships though,. men do seem to desire me quite a bit. I am super short like 5'4' men don't seem to mind that as much as women. almost everyone women I have ever met. when she says what she wants in man "tall" is almost always the first or second thing she says. I mean it feels nice that someone desires me. but I would like to know I could get with a women if I wanted one. maybe I just come off as not interested in them though??

being desired isn't all that it's cracked up to be sometimes, I have this creeper contentiously make new profiles on grindr, not have a fave pic and send me messages and then when I asked who he is he will send me a picture of his face. like I would forget or something. I have blocked him, thought about contacting the police, but he hasn't ever approached me in person.

one time I had a guy talked to me like he knew me and talk about my work, and wouldn't send me a face pick. it was super creepy.

Older men REALLY REALLY are into me, I'm not sure why. I have been with older men before. but generally they are not my type. gets annoying after a while.

I look really young too, I'm 33, but could pass as early 20s. I have a minor birth-defect. cleft lip. It is not super noticeable anymore though and I have gotten compliments on my "big' lips quite a bit. so I am not super self-conscious about it anymore, again I think it may bother woman more than men. I know I am fairly good looking otherwise though. cause I get alot of attention on places like Grindr. ect. I don't usually even have to send a message first.

I honestly am kind of sick of hook-up culture, which is what most of what gay-dating culture is, around me anyways and I want a family and children, think a woman might be easier. I don't know I want to want her enough to marry her though and I haven't found that yet.
 

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I can so relate to this question. I grew up as a fat kid and pretty much never felt anyone sexually desired me. I was always the “nice” guy and boy, did it do a number on my confidence with women. At Uni, I decided enough was enough and I hit the gym with a vengeance. I was working out like crazy, 90 minutes at the gym, 15 minutes of HITT sprinting and then 30 minutes swimming and I was doing this 6 days a week. Obviously, this was not sustainable in the long run, especially with my studies. Anyway, the gym work did help and my dating life improved immensely as I was no longer fat, but muscular and stocky. Met my wife at a workplace a few years later. But during Covid and the lockdowns with gyms closed, I decided to give intermittent fasting a go and man, am I glad I did. In slightly over a year, I went from 94 kg to 78 kg and was ripped as hell. Now, when I go swimming, I can feel the sexual desire (always from guys) and I won’t lie, it does feel amazing. The question is, is it desire solely from just my body alone or is it the increased confidence.
 

Zhugezen

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I sometimes wonder if I felt more desired by women, if I would lean more towards them sexually. I had one gf as a teenager. but due to her living far away and religious beliefs we never had sex. tbh I'm not sure I wanted to with her. She did genuinely seem attracted to me though. she was very pretty looked kind of like Jenniffer Lawrence. but more curvy.

I have pretty much identified as gay since then, but I have never been with a women, and I know I have definitely desired them before.

I have in some ways been with more men than I would like to say. some of it was really good, some pretty mediocre. not many seriously relationships though,. men do seem to desire me quite a bit. I am super short like 5'4' men don't seem to mind that as much as women. almost everyone women I have ever met. when she says what she wants in man "tall" is almost always the first or second thing she says. I mean it feels nice that someone desires me. but I would like to know I could get with a women if I wanted one. maybe I just come off as not interested in them though??

being desired isn't all that it's cracked up to be sometimes, I have this creeper contentiously make new profiles on grindr, not have a fave pic and send me messages and then when I asked who he is he will send me a picture of his face. like I would forget or something. I have blocked him, thought about contacting the police, but he hasn't ever approached me in person.

one time I had a guy talked to me like he knew me and talk about my work, and wouldn't send me a face pick. it was super creepy.

Older men REALLY REALLY are into me, I'm not sure why. I have been with older men before. but generally they are not my type. gets annoying after a while.

I look really young too, I'm 33, but could pass as early 20s. I have a minor birth-defect. cleft lip. It is not super noticeable anymore though and I have gotten compliments on my "big' lips quite a bit. so I am not super self-conscious about it anymore, again I think it may bother woman more than men. I know I am fairly good looking otherwise though. cause I get alot of attention on places like Grindr. ect. I don't usually even have to send a message first.

I honestly am kind of sick of hook-up culture, which is what most of what gay-dating culture is, around me anyways and I want a family and children, think a woman might be easier. I don't know I want to want her enough to marry her though and I haven't found that yet.
Thanks so much for sharing. I hope you will find a partner and have that family you want!
 
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Zhugezen

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I can so relate to this question. I grew up as a fat kid and pretty much never felt anyone sexually desired me. I was always the “nice” guy and boy, did it do a number on my confidence with women. At Uni, I decided enough was enough and I hit the gym with a vengeance. I was working out like crazy, 90 minutes at the gym, 15 minutes of HITT sprinting and then 30 minutes swimming and I was doing this 6 days a week. Obviously, this was not sustainable in the long run, especially with my studies. Anyway, the gym work did help and my dating life improved immensely as I was no longer fat, but muscular and stocky. Met my wife at a workplace a few years later. But during Covid and the lockdowns with gyms closed, I decided to give intermittent fasting a go and man, am I glad I did. In slightly over a year, I went from 94 kg to 78 kg and was ripped as hell. Now, when I go swimming, I can feel the sexual desire (always from guys) and I won’t lie, it does feel amazing. The question is, is it desire solely from just my body alone or is it the increased confidence.
Probably both then. Thanks for this very interesting perspective. Congrats on the hot bod. Even your words exude confidence!
 
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