Feeling Undesirable... why does this happen?

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

been married going on 4 years have a two year old beautiful daughter. My wife used to be much more into sex etc. Obviously after the baby it changed, she physically doesn't feel the same about herself and we have very very little time to connect physically. Its taken it's toll on us both. The marriage has become rocky and we have grown apart. Communication, sex, it's all cracked. I don't know wether I should touch my wife half the time to initiate sex. She hasn't in what it feels like forever. I get tired of trying. Pretty much feel undesirable to her at all. She's gorgeous. I love her to death but i feel like we have grudges towards each other and we can't get past it? Any advice on getting past this discomfort? It's frustrating and weird. She's my wife?

 

[kinda_hung]

It takes a woman 3 yrs to get back to normal after childbearing. I've gone through it 3 times. The best you can do is talk to her. Tell her how you feel. But listen to her feelings. She may look great to you but women are very insecure with their bodies. If my wife gains 5-10 lbs she knows and doesn't feel sexy!

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

a woman does change after childbirth. her body is no longer what it used to be (most of the time) she feels less desirable partly because of this and also because her day has now become twice as long. Her focus is on the child most the time and sadly, but hubby takes back seat to the child's needs.

Communication is ESSENTIAL IN ANY RELATIONSHIP (I believe I've said this more than once here).... Never stop talking.... and listening... Listen not only to what she is saying with her words, but what she is not saying. You need your ego boosted and so does she. Try to make a commitment to work on rekindling that fire together. Make a 'date night' if you can where you either hire a sitter or take the babe to grandma's for spend the night. You don't have to spend a lot of money.... but you do have to spend a lot of time on each other. (how about pulling down the wedding and honeymoon pics and reliving them... do you remember how she looked on her wedding day? Does she remember the pit of nerves in her stomach and how you made her feel like a princess?)

I am sure she is feeling the same emotions you are... Think about what you are gonna say before you talk... don't come across as accusing, but loving and non-judgemental...

good luck..... funny how children are the loves of our lives but can really shift things around and rock the boat if you are not on the same page....

love the baby together and do things as a family together .... remember to laugh, smile, and find the little things to be happy about. Attitude is a small thing that makes a big difference.... choose happiness.

 

[tgirlsrgreat]

great advice talk, talk, talk

and then go out of your way to set up romantic situations. get your parents or inlaws to watch the kid and go on a trip, does not have to be far, just away. you'll be fine if you want to be. hang in there and good luck!!

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

Agree with everyone here, keep that communication open. I went through the same thing when I had my son and it definitely put a strain on my marriage. I didn't become a different person but there was this inner shift. Suddenly my inner workings shifted from an intellectual base to an instinctual one and I had a hard time balancing this (this may not make sense and if it doesn't, I apologize). I was unable to feel desire for a long time because I was so exhausted mentally. The feeling was so out of reach like it was a million miles away and I just couldn't get there. Once my son started preschool at 4 years old and I got some personal time and space to breathe I got my desire back. It's not like I didn't have sex with my husband at all for the first 4 years but it wasn't often. Let's just say there were a lot of showers during those years for him, but he stuck with me and we got through it. Now my husband is going through a dry spell and I'm sticking with him the way he stuck with me. I know our situation is circumstantial so I know we'll be fine once we ride this out.

I don't know if my story helps at all, but I truly believe you will get through this. You aren't undesirable, your wife loves you. Does she get to have time alone? Does she get pampered, like through massages? Do you just hold each other and talk without any sexual pressure? Gestures like this go a LONG way with moms/wives and they definitely stoke the marital fires. It sounds like you two will get through this but good luck anyway. You sound like a stand up guy, your wife is a lucky woman.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Sit down and talk with her. Be completely totally honest and leave out nothing.

 

[sexualnapalm]

You will also have no idea how much she will love hearing you tell her how beautiful she is, and how much you desire her. She may not act like it right away, but it will sink in. And it will mean so much to her. :wink:

 

[AlteredEgo]

You will also have no idea how much she will love hearing you tell her how beautiful she is, and how much you desire her. She may not act like it right away, but it will sink in. And it will mean so much to her. :wink:

And hopefully, it will remind her that you need to hear it too.
Good luck.

 

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

Thank you all. I appreciate it.

 

[EllieP]

Oh please, oh please, oh please talk to her. Let her know how you feel openly and honestly. Tell her she is as desirable as she has always been. Even more so! When my daughter was two my husband walked out on us. He never talked, he never touched, he quit loving. I felt as if it was him who shut down, but I know that I was more than a bit preoccupied at the time as well.

I really hope that you stick with her during this rough part. I know things will get better.

 

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

Oh please, oh please, oh please talk to her. Let her know how you feel openly and honestly. Tell her she is as desirable as she has always been. Even more so! When my daughter was two my husband walked out on us. He never talked, he never touched, he quit loving. I felt as if it was him who shut down, but I know that I was more than a bit preoccupied at the time as well.

I really hope that you stick with her during this rough part. I know things will get better.

I will fight to the bitter end for her. I'm not going anywhere. She seems mores unhappy. I guess that's why I get the less desirable feelings. Never know when it's okay to even touch her.

 

[Intrigue]

I will fight to the bitter end for her. I'm not going anywhere. She seems mores unhappy. I guess that's why I get the less desirable feelings. Never know when it's okay to even touch her.

My advice for this particular part, because the rest here have said what I think already, is to not touch with sex in mind. Just touch and hold and be intimate. The sex will come when she is ready. I haven't gone through the childbirth part buy I have been through the waning of a sex drive, on both sides. All that is needed is tenderness, the willingness to listen and patience. Try holding her before bed and just talking. If she isn't in the mood to talk just say the first thing on your mind, making sure its not having to do with sex, and just go with it. This sort of open communication can help to kindle the flame. I had great success with just open communication and holding. Once she was ready she let me know and it just happened. So I know its not the same but I hope that bit helps.

 

[joyboytoy79]

Sex is more important to men, sometimes. For women, intimacy is more important. Light some candles, bring home roses (or maybe her favourite flower, if that's not roses), play some soft music (Sarah McLachlan is usually a good choice). Bring her little gifts, sporadically, for no reason. Likely, she's feeling like the only thing she's good for is sex and parenting. You need to remind her that it's more than that. Encourage her to talk about her feelings, and then really listen to her. Remind her that she's special. When she starts to feel that connection again, she'll get in the mood for sex again. A little wooing with go a very long way.

 

[helgaleena]

The main thing about touching is just to get in the habit of hugging and cuddling for comfort, not sex. I remember vividly how after my child was born my hormones were whacked, and not only that, I could no longer concentrate because of the demands of my children as infants-- they are so constantly needy you cannot even think a thought all the way through or finish one project without having to detour five or six times. That has its toll on the rest of your ability to relax and enjoy.

Also my body was very touchy about anything that seemed remotely attached to making another child, for about two years. It had its own ideas and would not let me enjoy what used to turn me on. In retrospect it might have been different if I was sneaking sexual arousal in with nursing, but my husband had cultural bias about that and would not indulge me even though I did feel the old sexy feelings during nursing, which is confusing.