Feeling used after consensual sex

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Serial Kisser, Nov 18, 2009.

  1. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    I tried to search but didn't really come up with much.
    I was just wondering how many other women often felt used after having sex?
    I was talking to a friend about it today and even though it was consensual, afterward I almost always feel guilty and regret it. It might be because most of the time I've had sex, it was in a friends with benefits situation, and never a relationship.

    Has anyone encountered this? If so, did you overcome it at all?

    I don't want to dislike sex for the rest of my life, but right now, I wouldn't be at all disappointed if I never had sex again. :frown1:
     
  2. voidout

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    Know what ya mean! I'm still working on this, though.

    If you ever need to vent, you know I'm here for you, babe.
     
  3. Rikter8

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    It's all a mental thing. Men can be the same way.

    The feeling of bliss...then suddenly... remorse. The feeling of being cold. Alone.
    Know it all too well.

    Its something you need to mentally prepare yourself as well. Know that it's just sex. That's it. Nothing more.
    With many of the people I have been with, half way through the deed...you can tell that it's only for one time - no matter how much they lie to you.
    When I sense this...I switch to self pleasure for me. I'm there for me. If they don't respond, then I get up and leave.

    If your having sex, and the people don't really want to do much with you after the deed - find different friends, because they aren't.
     
  4. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    No, but I am OK with NSA sex. In fact, have remained friends with my ex lovers (FB, FWB, or boyfriend), likely because I can separate the sexual and non-sexual relationship. :shrug:

    Wondering if you felt used because you were hoping to make a relationship out of a casual encounter and the person only wanted sex?
     
  5. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes that was the case. Most recently, it wasn't. We'd talked about it. We've been friends for two years and he was into some things I wanted to try. We tried them, then had sex. It was just all very 'meh' for me. And I just feel like I should have said, on second thought, I don't really want to fuck.
     
  6. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Say no whenever you no longer feel like you want to have sex, that's your right. Don't worry that he'll get mad at you because his cock is hard enough to cut diamonds - just tell him, get up and leave.

    Also, even though some of my FWB relationships have turned serious (and wonderful *includes current BF*), it was a natural progression and, as I understand, a rare occurrence. Try not to force it, and if from the beginning you want to date, be straightforward and don't try to ensnare him with booty.
     
  7. Kevbo

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    I think LadyShady's hit it -- mismatched expectations. Don't give up on sex, Serial Kisser, us guys would lose a chance at a beautiful lady! :->
     
  8. Ms M

    Ms M New Member

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    Sounds like everyone else is right on it. Be sure what YOU really want out of it, just sex or more? Consider this, are you having sex with friends in the hopes that it will turn into more than just friendship? Are you searching for a boyfriend? Maybe you are not cut out for casual sex and need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled.
     
  9. Principessa

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    How old are you? Cause the answer is so simple you really should have figured it on your own already. :mad: :duh: Stop fucking your alleged friends! :irked: Not everyone is cut out for FWB or FB situations. I'm not saying that cause your a girl. There are plenty of men out there who feel the same way. What you need to do is slow that pussy down and get to know a guy first.

    What it appears you need is a boyfriend and not just a boy who is a friend. :yup:

    Just cause everybody else is doing it and the womens magazines now tout NSA sex doesn't mean you have to do it. Two years ago Vogue said skinny jeans were in style. I have great legs; but big thighs, and my legs look like giant denim turkey drumsticks in skinny jeans. Consequently, I did not buy any. I continued to wear my stretch boot cut and flare jeans because they are comfortable and flatter my figure.

     
  10. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    That's the thing, I know that. I've had sex twice in two years because I've stopped fucking my friends. I guess I was just feeling down after a recent experience and was wondering if anyone had any advice for shaking that feeling =/
     
  11. Principessa

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    The last time I had that feeling was in 1998 or 1999. It wasn't the first time Chris and I had, had sex but it was the first time we had both been sober for sex in 13 years. :eek: even though I didn't cum, it was good sex. For clarification over 13 years we did it maybe 8 times. He's a great kisser and always made me feel beautiful and cherished. But when it was over I felt like I had the Grand Canyon inside of me, I felt so empty. I went home and cried in the shower. I knew what the problem was and I swore from that day forward I wouldn't have sex with a man I didn't genuinely care about.

    Okay, I tripped up once in fall 2006, but I was off my meds so that doesn't count. :tongue:

     
  12. dolfette

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    towards the end of the relationship i felt like that with my ex...
    we'd be shitty at each other all day, then as soon as lights went out he expected a shag.
    usually it ended in another fight but if i ceded, simply to avert the tantrum, then i'd just lie there feeling like tomorrow's crispy tissue.

    yuck!

    never again. never, ever again.
     
  13. helgaleena

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    I have received some flak on other threads for asserting that sex is meaningful and holy. Ideally it is a way to glorify the divine in ourselves IMO and I stick to that.

    It could be my dear, that you are finding this area of intense experience and expression less meaningful than your gut tells you it could be. If you appreciate your own divinity and that of your partner, if your partner is respectful of the divinity you are sharing, it will change many things.

    That feeling of something missing can be in other areas of your life as well, but for many it is first discerned in the realm of sex. See what it teaches.

    BTW my first urge was simply to say, get a partner who will make much of you, adore you more before and after, but there may be so much more to it than gratifying your little need to cuddle.
     
  14. B_Enough_for_Me

    B_Enough_for_Me New Member

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    The problem isn't personal, it's societal. Women are instructed to believe sex is something they should guard and only rarely give away; even then it should be in exchange for something of value ('connection', sharing of social capital/status, ect). But this is a misconception, sex is no ones to give away. So, the used feeling comes from a deeper belief that something of yours was used and you didn't ask a high enough price. Not price in money terms but in social capital terms. Few people regret sleeping with someone out of their league, or social class. Why? Because you are getting their social capital in an exchange for yours; ie a "bad" deal for them.

    Why do we keep the misconception? Simple, power. Women derive a lot of power from creating scarcity on the sex-market by demanding a too high price. Oddly enough, men often have to lie about their status to entice women of their own class/status.

    Sorry to be another guy posting on the Women's Issues board.
     
  15. dolfette

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  16. Wish-4-8

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    Im sorry, but this statment: Feeling used after consensual sex,
    is an oxymoron.

    You consented. Your choice. Unless you had a hidden agenda, there is no reason why you should feel used. You used him for sex. So if you feel used, then you were not being honest with yourself, or him, which makes you a LIAR!!!!.
     
  17. Wish-4-8

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    Sometimes, when the sex is good, it can temporaily forgive all ill will. Make love, not war. Too bad great relationships cannot be built upon just great sex. :frown1:
     
  18. psycko

    psycko New Member

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    Not sure I agree with this entirely but it is a valid point. What is it about this that makes you roll your eyes dolfette?
     
  19. ManlyBanisters

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    That's a bit harsh.

    Haven't you ever had a piece of cake you really didn't want but you took to be polite to your favourite aunty (or whoever) who baked it for you? I mean the cake was nice an' all, you like cake generally and that cake was good too, but you didn't really want it and you feel a bit icky having eaten cake you didn't want. Aunty didn't tie you down and force feed you the cake - you took it consensually and ate it entirely voluntarily because you didn't really know how to say no without hurting aunty's feelings.

    It's the same, but with sex.

    It's odd - that feeling has never happened to me in a FB, FWB, one-nighter experience because I have always been aware when I am being used or not - and made a pre-sex consious agreement with myself that I was OK with that. It is in relationships I've had that problem, like dolfette described.

    To the OP: I don't know how you get rid of that feeling. I think you may be having sex for the wrong reasons though. Maybe something else is missing in your life and you are trying to fill the void. After the intimacy of sex the void is not filled but is all the more noticable. I don't necessarily think that the lack you are trying to make up for is sexual - or that you need to find a boyfriend. Maybe you do - or maybe you just need a level of intimacy in your life that you aren't getting. Have you moved away from good friends? Is everything OK with your family relationships? I don't expect you to answer those questions here, it is none of our business unless you want it to be - but it might help to ask yourself those questions.

    What I'm trying to say is that the void is there before the sex - it is just more obvious after. If you friend has been honest with you about his expectations then he hasn't really done anything wrong. And neither have you. Don't feel guilty. There's no need to swear off 'NSA' sex either, not necessarily. Try to work out what you were feeling before you had sex so the next time a similar situation comes up you will know how to spot those signs and behave differently.

    And never be afraid to turn down sex (or cake) for fear of offending someone. It's your body - you have the final say on what goes into it.
     
    #19 ManlyBanisters, Nov 20, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2009
  20. Serial Kisser

    Serial Kisser Well-Known Member

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    It's not an oxymoron. I can't help what I feel. Yes I agreed to it and then I felt awful after. I don't have a reason for a lot of my feelings.
     
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