Feeling used after consensual sex

[Serial Kisser]

That's a bit harsh.

Haven't you ever had a piece of cake you really didn't want but you took to be polite to your favourite aunty (or whoever) who baked it for you? I mean the cake was nice an' all, you like cake generally and that cake was good too, but you didn't really want it and you feel a bit icky having eaten cake you didn't want. Aunty didn't tie you down and force feed you the cake - you took it consensually and ate it entirely voluntarily because you didn't really know how to say no without hurting aunty's feelings.

It's the same, but with sex.

It's odd - that feeling has never happened to me in a FB, FWB, one-nighter experience because I have always been aware when I am being used or not - and made a pre-sex consious agreement with myself that I was OK with that. It is in relationships I've had that problem, like dolfette described.

To the OP: I don't know how you get rid of that feeling. I think you may be having sex for the wrong reasons though. Maybe something else is missing in your life and you are trying to fill the void. After the intimacy of sex the void is not filled but is all the more noticable. I don't necessarily think that the lack you are trying to make up for is sexual - or that you need to find a boyfriend. Maybe you do - or maybe you just need a level of intimacy in your life that you aren't getting. Have you moved away from good friends? Is everything OK with your family relationships? I don't expect you to answer those questions here, it is none of our business unless you want it to be - but it might help to ask yourself those questions.

What I'm trying to say is that the void is there before the sex - it is just more obvious after. If you friend has been honest with you about his expectations then he hasn't really done anything wrong. And neither have you. Don't feel guilty. There's no need to swear off 'NSA' sex either, not necessarily. Try to work out what you were feeling before you had sex so the next time a similar situation comes up you will know how to spot those signs and behave differently.

And never be afraid to turn down sex (or cake) for fear of offending someone. It's your body - you have the final say on what goes into it.

That was very helpful, thank you.

 

[dolfette]

Sometimes, when the sex is good, it can temporally forgive all ill will. Make love, not war. Too bad great relationships cannot be built upon just great sex. :frown1:

well it worked for several years.

I'm sorry, but this statement: Feeling used after consensual sex,
is an oxymoron.

You consented. Your choice. Unless you had a hidden agenda, there is no reason why you should feel used. You used him for sex. So if you feel used, then you were not being honest with yourself, or him, which makes you a LIAR!!!!.

bullshit.

this thread is about FEELING used.
how you doesn't require rationalization or justification.
you're entitled to feel however you feel.


can you be used consensually?
another question entirely!
i still say yes.
i've used, i've allowed myself to be used.
it's a dumb position to be in but we're only human.

 

[B_KOKOBWARE]

Not a good thing being used. Total disrespect for another human being in such a way is not right

 

[dolfette]

Not a good thing being used. Total disrespect for another human being in such a way is not right

unless he has a subby side that secretly craves to be used, abused, disrespected and abandoned.

...i'm turning myself on here.

 

[voidout]

unless she has a subby side that secretly craves to be used, abused, disrespected and abandoned.

...i'm turning myself on here.

ok...now we're ready. :naughty:

 

[Wish-4-8]

That's a bit harsh.

Haven't you ever had a piece of cake you really didn't want but you took to be polite to your favourite aunty (or whoever) who baked it for you? I mean the cake was nice an' all, you like cake generally and that cake was good too, but you didn't really want it and you feel a bit icky having eaten cake you didn't want. Aunty didn't tie you down and force feed you the cake - you took it consensually and ate it entirely voluntarily because you didn't really know how to say no without hurting aunty's feelings.

It's the same, but with sex.

That is not what we are talking about. In the cake senario, someone was pressured or obligated into eating the cake. That is horrible.

I read, "feeling used after consenual sex" to mean both parties consented on equal terms, but then one feels "used" because it was just sex. That is almost like a guilty feeling that the sex should have meant something more. But since the terms were not really defined, how could she feel used? It almost seems like she used sex to try to fill that void and felt used when she didnt get it. Who is using who?

Now, if the guy tricked her and gave her false hopes about a future, had sex and then dumped her, OK, she was used.

well it worked for several years.

bullshit.

this thread is about FEELING used.
how you doesn't require rationalization or justification.
you're entitled to feel however you feel.


can you be used consensually?
another question entirely!
i still say yes.
i've used, i've allowed myself to be used.
it's a dumb position to be in but we're only human.

And that was your choice. It seems like you knew what you were doing. But these feelings that the OP is talking about sounds like a complaint. Many posters here have already chimed, better than I have, about some kind of void needing to be filled.

My point is that she should be more honest with herself and her partner before having sex so she doesnt feel used, if that is her true gripe.

 

[dolfette]

And that was your choice. It seems like you knew what you were doing. But these feelings that the OP is talking about sounds like a complaint. Many posters here have already chimed, better than I have, about some kind of void needing to be filled.

My point is that she should be more honest with herself and her partner before having sex so she doesn't feel used, if that is her true gripe.

in lala lovelyland we'd all have complete openness and honesty with potential partners and nobody would ever treat anyone else as a convenient set of genitals.
in reality we have vulnerable moments, do stupid things and there are people who will knowingly take advantage of such times.

she's not crying rape. she's not claiming abuse.
her complaint about feeling used is reasonable.

 

[SnitchQitch]

i think you just need to find the right one. 'nuf said.

 

[Wish-4-8]

in lala lovelyland we'd all have complete openness and honesty with potential partners and nobody would ever treat anyone else as a convenient set of genitals.
in reality we have vulnerable moments, do stupid things and there are people who will knowingly take advantage of such times.

she's not crying rape. she's not claiming abuse.
her complaint about feeling used is reasonable.

Ok, I think I am beginning to understand.

I guess I read the title as, "It hurts everytime I stick my hand in boiling water". So the answer is , "stop sticking you hand in there, knowing what is going to happen, then complain about it." (guy thinking)

This is more like, "No matter how many times I take a bath or shower, I just dont feel clean. Does anyone else feel that way?" (women thinking)

Thats what I get for commenting on a women's issues forum. Lesson learned. :biggrin1:

 

[dolfette]

you got there in the end.

 

[Wish-4-8]

(I know, off topic and a highjack, but she doesnt do PMs)
Wow, Dolfette, your new gallery pics with the knife are both sexy, and mildly disturbing. I guess thats the point. That is what makes it art.

 

[nicenycdick]

The Catholic Church spent a lot of time and effort making us feel lousy after sex. It's something about guilty pleasures and all of that. Some of us feel it more than others. And a lot of women (and some men) are taught to feel that sex is dirty...no matter how much they enjoy the act itself.

 

[dolfette]

yay for scaring the boys!

 

[denton85]

this one girl 2 years ago i was "friends" with. I use the term loosely cause it seems like we always disagreed on things, and got into fights about everything (we were really friends by associating with friends we had in common) ... but whenever night time rolled around on a drinking night... and we were at a friend's place at the same time. There she'd be trying to desperately get me alone with her. Even if i tried resisting, she'd just wait until later when i had a few more drinks in me.... I felt slightly used but... then again, i never really stopped her.

2 years ago i was kind of a slut, and hated myself for it... it's really not the type of person i am.

 

[B_Enough_for_Me]

Im sorry, but this statment: Feeling used after consensual sex,
is an oxymoron.

You consented. Your choice. Unless you had a hidden agenda, there is no reason why you should feel used. You used him for sex. So if you feel used, then you were not being honest with yourself, or him, which makes you a LIAR!!!!.

Agreed. If you didn't have some secret motive for sleeping with them then you wouldn't feel used. This goes back to my prior statement, if they think they deserve better than what they are getting (a fact few would mention) they will feel like they were used.

good post.

 

[voidout]

2 years ago i was kind of a slut, and hated myself for it... it's really not the type of person i am.

 

[Serial Kisser]

Agreed. If you didn't have some secret motive for sleeping with them then you wouldn't feel used. This goes back to my prior statement, if they think they deserve better than what they are getting (a fact few would mention) they will feel like they were used.

good post.

Feelings and sex aren't that black and white. If A happens then B will happen and C is impossible. It has nothing to do with secret motives and what I felt like I did or didn't deserve. If you don't have something constructive or helpful, why waste precious finger dexterity that you need for other recreational activities by typing out a response?


I'm really not surprised at all that the MEN posting on this thread have no clue what a WOMAN is talking about. By golly, I'm sure glad I posted this in the WOMENS issues.

 

[Wish-4-8]

Hey, I saw the light. Dolfette set me straight!!

I should have apologized for my earlier misunderstanding, but I was distracted by Dolfettes new pics.

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

It isn't an oxymoron. You're entitled to your feelings and maybe you were feeling let done, not used? Maybe it wasn't what you wanted, needed, but felt good at the time and then after left you feeling even worse? I think you've gotten some great advice (and some crummy) but try hard to find out what 'you' want. Often women never take the time because, well, we're told since toddlers to 'be nice' or 'smile' or be something else for someone else to make that person feel better. Does that make sense? LOL, anyway, it sounds like you need to think about yourself and what you want, what's missing, what will make you not feel this way again after sharing an experience with a friend...best of luck.

Hope you're feeling better.

billi jean

 

[B_Enough_for_Me]

Feelings and sex aren't that black and white. If A happens then B will happen and C is impossible. It has nothing to do with secret motives and what I felt like I did or didn't deserve. If you don't have something constructive or helpful, why waste precious finger dexterity that you need for other recreational activities by typing out a response?


I'm really not surprised at all that the MEN posting on this thread have no clue what a WOMAN is talking about. By golly, I'm sure glad I posted this in the WOMENS issues.

Not constructive? That doesn't even make sense. I'll try repeating myself: be honest with yourself. If you aren't then you'll end up with regrets......or the whole point of this thread. If that isn't constructive then I don't know what is.

Constructive ≠ Positive

Men have serious problems understanding woman's desire to take a problem with a solution and dwell on it, just to have something to talk about.