Feeling used after consensual sex

[Symphonic]

I tried to search but didn't really come up with much.
I was just wondering how many other women often felt used after having sex?
I was talking to a friend about it today and even though it was consensual, afterward I almost always feel guilty and regret it. It might be because most of the time I've had sex, it was in a friends with benefits situation, and never a relationship.

Has anyone encountered this? If so, did you overcome it at all?

I don't want to dislike sex for the rest of my life, but right now, I wouldn't be at all disappointed if I never had sex again. :frown1:

Isn't that... the point? We call that a "booty-call".

 

[Symphonic]

Feelings and sex aren't that black and white. If A happens then B will happen and C is impossible. It has nothing to do with secret motives and what I felt like I did or didn't deserve. If you don't have something constructive or helpful, why waste precious finger dexterity that you need for other recreational activities by typing out a response?


I'm really not surprised at all that the MEN posting on this thread have no clue what a WOMAN is talking about. By golly, I'm sure glad I posted this in the WOMENS issues.

Well, gross generalizations don't help do they? But really, put 2 and 2 together here: You are consenting to being used for sex and you *gasp* feel... used? You are entering into contracts and relations you aren't actually approving of and having adverse effects from it.

I mean this would be more of an issue if you felt this way in a more solidified relationship, but as it stands you call or are called upon to fuck. Well... Tada?

It's not an oxymoron. I can't help what I feel. Yes I agreed to it and then I felt awful after. I don't have a reason for a lot of my feelings.

FYI: This feeling is common. It actually has roots in sound reasoning... Though I'm not able to advocate for your case.

 

[Drifterwood]

I'm really not surprised at all that the MEN posting on this thread have no clue what a WOMAN is talking about. By golly, I'm sure glad I posted this in the WOMENS issues.

Actually, I think I know exactly what you are talking about. I started a thread, in women's issues, about being used as a big cock manslut.

My behaviour is/was completely consensual and it wasn't until a female friend pointed out the obvious that I understood what I had been feeling for some time.

I think it goes to the heart of what I think makes for good sex, and that is that it should not be about getting off. When one partner views the sex as getting off, then the other can be left feeling used. I was having a lot of sex with a lot of different people, I felt very used and it took me some time to realise that I wasn't getting anything out of it above a very unimportant level. I have concluded that group sex is best for this type of sex.

PS - I never felt guilty though. I don't think I understand that part.

 

[voidout]

I was just wondering how many other women often felt used after having sex?

I was talking to a friend about it today and even though it was consensual, afterward I almost always feel guilty and regret it.

Sometimes that was the case. Most recently, it wasn't. We'd talked about it. We've been friends for two years and he was into some things I wanted to try. We tried them, then had sex. It was just all very 'meh' for me. And I just feel like I should have said, on second thought, I don't really want to fuck.

That's the thing, I know that. I've had sex twice in two years because I've stopped fucking my friends. I guess I was just feeling down after a recent experience and was wondering if anyone had any advice for shaking that feeling =/

Read the first god damn page people.

Just because she said "used" doesn't mean she's saying she WAS used or that it's rational or that it means "used" in the sense that she was just a booty call, and wanted more out of the situation.

She's just saying that she realizes, now that it's too late, and wishes she hadn't put herself in that situation. She wanted some fucking support FROM WOMEN to shake her emotions since she knew they were not reasonable.

To SK:

I always feel guilt. I feel guilty when it comes to anything sexual. I've cried after masturbating before, or sleeping in a guy's bed (nothing happened, he's a good friend and nothing more) because I've felt so guilty. For hours, mind you. It's not rational, I know all the things I should and should not be feeling, why, where it stems from, what makes me tick, etc...

but the thing is...as much as I know all this, it does not change it.
I don't believe in the things I know, yet. That's the difference, babe.

If you want we can talk about it further in the chat sometime or in PM's.
I know this thread, over run by people who don't understand that a human being (however rare) could not have some kind of ulterior motive, has been a bust.

 

[Serial Kisser]

But really, put 2 and 2 together here: You are consenting to being used for sex and you *gasp* feel... used?

I wasn't consenting to being used. ITS JUST HOW I FELT AFTERWARD.

I'm done responding to male opinions on this issue. Like I said, had I wanted to be told "well that's what you get" I would have posted this in the relationship issues.

 

[B_Enough_for_Me]

sound reasoning...

Ooop, we found the problem: over centuries and centuries the homo sapien female has built up an insurmountable tolerance to this very thing.


2 cents has been put in.

 

[voidout]

Ooop, we found the problem: over centuries and centuries the homo sapien female has built up an insurmountable tolerance to this very thing.


2 cents has been put in.

take the chip on your shoulder somewhere else. honestly...

 

[Drifterwood]

SK, I realise that you have had it with answering questions from men, so I don't mind if you tell me to fuck off.

Can you tell me what comes first, the guilt or the feeling of being used?

 

[Serial Kisser]

SK, I realise that you have had it with answering questions from men, so I don't mind if you tell me to fuck off.

Can you tell me what comes first, the guilt or the feeling of being used?

Hmmm probably the guilt.

 

[Ethyl]

I can't believe some of the remarks from various asshats. Why can't the OP talk about this without being shamed for expressing her feelings? If she's trying to sort through an issue (which she clearly is) give her some constructive feedback rather than labeling her irrational. Jesus.

As far as the subject of guilt, I find it to be a useless and time-wasting emotion because it involves negative feelings about yourself from something that is perceived, not real (not to say your feelings aren't real - they are. But the root cause of those feelings may not be) Remorse is something experienced after something real has occurred. I suppose my question is why would you feel guilty for doing something completely within your right? Did you find out something about your partner that made you feel that way? Or do something you haven't done before and weren't sure how you felt about it? If you felt used and can't put your finger on why, seek help from a professional. Life is too short not to enjoy sex without negative feelings. I hope you find the answers you need. :smile:

 

[dolfette]

I can't believe some of the remarks from various asshats.

this is why the women here have such sharp teeth.
blokes forever being twatty in our girly talk.

 

[Section8]

I tried the sex buddy thing. Unless you are capable of totally separating emotion from sex, which not a lot of people can do, then the idea that
sex doesn't change anything between people is bullshit.

Sex changes everything. Try dating someone you actually have feelings for
and then see how sex is. Or it could be that you have more feelings for the
sex buddy than you want to admit, or can admit to him, and its churning
around inside you.

If thats the case then the best thing is either tell him that you feel more for
him than just lust, or end the deal.

I promise if you keep going the way you feel its going to go bad places.

 

[Section8]

The problem isn't personal, it's societal. Women are instructed to believe sex is something they should guard and only rarely give away; even then it should be in exchange for something of value ('connection', sharing of social capital/status, ect). But this is a misconception, sex is no ones to give away. So, the used feeling comes from a deeper belief that something of yours was used and you didn't ask a high enough price. Not price in money terms but in social capital terms. Few people regret sleeping with someone out of their league, or social class. Why? Because you are getting their social capital in an exchange for yours; ie a "bad" deal for them.

Why do we keep the misconception? Simple, power. Women derive a lot of power from creating scarcity on the sex-market by demanding a too high price. Oddly enough, men often have to lie about their status to entice women of their own class/status.

Sorry to be another guy posting on the Women's Issues board.

Or maybe she just feels bad because she feels empty after because she
really wants someone who gives a shit about her.

Reading feminist sociology doctrine into her situation isn't helping.

 

[Section8]

Im sorry, but this statment: Feeling used after consensual sex,
is an oxymoron.

You consented. Your choice. Unless you had a hidden agenda, there is no reason why you should feel used. You used him for sex. So if you feel used, then you were not being honest with yourself, or him, which makes you a LIAR!!!!.

To put it simply, you're a total cunt.

 

[Section8]

It's not an oxymoron. I can't help what I feel. Yes I agreed to it and then I felt awful after. I don't have a reason for a lot of my feelings.

Don't worry. He's probably just bitter because no woman wants to be
his sex buddy :smokin:

 

[helgaleena]

Hmmm probably the guilt.

It's a stereotype that women are more in touch with their feelings than men. I am glad you don't buy into that. You have admitted that your own feelings are sometimes not clear to you.

It's possible to get more clear about them by taking the time to think them over from an outside perspective, one where you imagine watching yourself in situations like it's a movie. As a bonus you might realize what it was about your partner that may have contributed to how you felt.

I'll refrain from 'religionizing' the discussion by saying thinking about things is 'meditation', lol. But it helps. You are ultimately in charge of what you do as well as what you think. Both of them affect how your feelings form. But it's also a relief to know that feelings don't last. They change like the weather. You don't have to expect to feel the same next time you have sex. Sunny cheerful sex happens too!

 

[Drifterwood]

Hmmm probably the guilt.

OK, I realise that I am putting my nuts on the Coconut Shy and I may have to go south and let Dolfie have some free throws :biggrin1:.

I think that your Signature gives a clear clue as to the root of your confused feelings about your sexuality. Sexuality and imposed religious dogma are not easy bedfellows.

I am guessing that your mother's view is/was that sex is a necessary evil that you let men take from you. Preferably as seldom as possible. The fact that you are letting men take this from you, in her view, when not even married to them, should compound your guilt. That is the job of whores. Men use women to sate their sexual depravity.

IMO sexual relationships do revolve around this very complex balance of needs to give, take, and/or receive. I have personally found it very hard to work these things out into personal and partner satisfaction, without having the impediment of someone else's madness drilled into the back of my head.

I am really not qualified to give advice as to what you should do, but I can't resist suggesting that you should explore your sexuality through simply taking your pleasure without too much (or any) consideration for the man's satisfaction. I am saying this because I would hope that it affirms your sexual nature and needs. You may of course not be a natural taker, but I think it may break this enforced behaviour of feeling that you have to let the man take.

 

[Serial Kisser]

OK, I realise that I am putting my nuts on the Coconut Shy and I may have to go south and let Dolfie have some free throws :biggrin1:.

I think that your Signature gives a clear clue as to the root of your confused feelings about your sexuality. Sexuality and imposed religious dogma are not easy bedfellows.

I am guessing that your mother's view is/was that sex is a necessary evil that you let men take from you. Preferably as seldom as possible. The fact that you are letting men take this from you, in her view, when not even married to them, should compound your guilt. That is the job of whores. Men use women to sate their sexual depravity.

IMO sexual relationships do revolve around this very complex balance of needs to give, take, and/or receive. I have personally found it very hard to work these things out into personal and partner satisfaction, without having the impediment of someone else's madness drilled into the back of my head.

I am really not qualified to give advice as to what you should do, but I can't resist suggesting that you should explore your sexuality through simply taking your pleasure without too much (or any) consideration for the man's satisfaction. I am saying this because I would hope that it affirms your sexual nature and needs. You may of course not be a natural taker, but I think it may break this enforced behaviour of feeling that you have to let the man take.

That's an interesting viewpoint. My signature is a funny quote from a movie that I like. I'm not religious, my family isn't religious either. I think it really boils down to the fact that I was 100 percent sure that I wanted to sleep with him. I did. And I feel like I went against my gut. And I regret that, feel guilty and used.

 

[Serial Kisser]

Don't worry. He's probably just bitter because no woman wants to be
his sex buddy :smokin:

Thank you :wink:

 

[Symphonic]

Read the first god damn page people.

Just because she said "used" doesn't mean she's saying she WAS used or that it's rational or that it means "used" in the sense that she was just a booty call, and wanted more out of the situation.

She's just saying that she realizes, now that it's too late, and wishes she hadn't put herself in that situation. She wanted some fucking support FROM WOMEN to shake her emotions since she knew they were not reasonable.

Thing is: They aren't unreasonable. Avoiding the cause never produces a cure.