feelings for/crush on a close friend

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by fogg098, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. fogg098

    fogg098 New Member

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    Who here has ever had a big crush on a close friend? What (if anything) did you do about it? What would you recommend in my situation?

    I have this good friend whom I've known for nearly a year. We met playing sports, and I immediately melted. Just looking at him gave me butterflies (and still does). Physically, he's everything I list as "attractive." And the first few nights we saw each other on the courts, I definitely caught him checking me out. So we started playing on the same teams (up to 3 times a week), and then we ran into each other every weekend out at the bars and we started hanging out. Now we hang out all the time with our mutual friends, in addition to sports throughout the week. I thought my feelings for him would subside after a while, but they continue to linger around. I've never felt this way about a friend. Some times I just want to reach out and hold him and tell him how I feel. However, I feel like telling him would ruin a friendship that I sincerely value. I also know I'm not his type (from what he's discussed).

    So that's why I ask if anyone has had a similar situation and what they did about it. How did things turn out for you?
     
  2. aqua-illusion

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    I was in a similar situation with a co-worker actually...I tried to make it something more than what it should have been, I thought everything about him attractive but he was straight...tried to win a straight man over requires only the will of god (well pretty much)

    I just had to realize that nothing could come out of it...think logically...if he's not interested in me "in that way" that I needed to settle with just being friends and co-workers. It's human nature to dream and lust...but it is also within our power of the mind to think realistically...OVER-power your lust and replace it with rationality. We can't help who we are attracted to, but we do have the "Help" to control our own actions. If you feel you don't want to have these feelings anymore make everything platonic...do NOT contrive lust situations "OMG was he just checking me out?" "Wow he's at the courts when I am, he must want me" instead think "He must've liked that move I did" or "he enjoys the same sports I do, must be looking for a hang out buddy"

    It might take some time but eventually it'll get easier, you'll see him as just a friend....or if you really want to take the chance tell him and see what happens? :)
     
  3. fogg098

    fogg098 New Member

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    i appreciate your advice. however i'm not sure i contrived anything as far as that "look." I know that "look" haha. it came as i walked past him and it lingered until i turned the corne. and as far as him being on the courts at the same time, there are limited places to play so of course he's going to be there because he wants to play, as are all the other guys who have been playing on the same courts for years. i never thought anything of that, other than "there he is, ugh he's cute!" and we started playing on the same teams because we're both competitive, decent players who want to WIN. haha. can't help it if you gotta to stack your team in order to play the whole night.

    i guess i do need to give myself a dose of cognitive therapy and alter my thought processes when romantic thoughts come up. definitely need to be more rational about my thoughts and feelings. there's no use beating myself up inside for some thing that's never going to be. i'm not a risk taker by nature, and i don't think taking a risk and telling him will end up being a good thing. unfortunately i still feel shitty.
     
  4. Uh Huh!

    Uh Huh! Member

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    I feel your pain!
    A very close friend of mine has just started to see a girl ("exclusive but relaxed" - whatever the f**k that means!). I know the girl in question and she has a somewhat complicated history. I won't go into all the details here but I have aired my concerns to my friend and I sincerely hope that he takes them on board.
    I've always been accused of having an excellent ability to read people and character traits. Unfortunately I have a really bad feeling about this new relationship.
    I have also grown extremely fond of this friend over the years that I have known him (jealous I hear you all say and yes there maybe an element of that but genuinely my gut feeling is that of caution and uncertainty regarding the relationship). Yes we've fooled around in the past and I think about the what if's and maybes every single day. Even if I've got no chance with him then I honestly think he can do sooooooooo much better than who he's with at the moment. Ultimately I just want him to be happy but at the moment I just wish I was sucked into a black hole as I am struggling to deal with it. I've also come off FB because I can't bare the thought of seeing them together or comments about relationship etc. I would rather he spoke to me (one of his closest friends) directly, openly and honestly rather than hearing it third party. There are certain people associated with the new GF who seem to take great pleasure in seeing me being hurt. My heart feels like its been wrenched from my chest!
    If I were to settle down with someone he would most defiantly be high on my list of priorities. I would bend over backwards (no pun intended) to do anything for him and finally plucked up the courage to tell him of my feelings towards him the other week.
    I'm not sure yet if this will have a detrimental affect on our relationship but I had to get it off my chest. It was an emotional moment and I felt embarrassed at times as he laughed at me but that might have been his way of dealing with it. He sent me a txt later on that evening to say it had been an odd day for him but thankfully we have seen each other since and other than the occasional subtle "gay" dig from him all seems to be well.
    I wish we could spend some more time together because every time we are together we have a good time and I always feel like I am walking on sunshine. He's my sole mate, best buddy and above all, I love him to bits.
    If I could only spend more time with him life would be perfect. I hope that he is sympathetic to my admission and continues to want to be a part of my life because I cannot imagine life without him.
    I appreciate as we grow older people's outlook on life changes but I miss the close companionship, sharing of beds, banter etc etc. When I found out about the relationship I honestly felt gutted and that my world had fallen apart.
    I've got few people I feel I can share this with and I apologise for hijacking your thread but I just had to get a few thoughts out in the open and this thread seemed closest to how I feel.
     
  5. fogg098

    fogg098 New Member

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    well, uh huh! what you've provided is an example of what i asked. you told him about your feelings, and shared the outcome (though a longer amount of time may need to pass before you see the final outcome). Yours is a situation I hope would happen to me if the romantic feelings aren't reciprocal. If all could be well afterwards I would be fine, but i'm not sure if it could be. I admire that you took a risk and let it all out. i hope your relationship with your friend continues to be positive.

    has anyone had something similar with gay relationships?
     
  6. Uh Huh!

    Uh Huh! Member

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    I too hope that this is the case! If he's ever feeling horny (appreciating I can look but probably not touch) I sincerely hope that he can feel comfortable around me and "offload" if required ;-) lol.

    I wish you luck with your dilemma and ultimately hope that your friend can be as mature and understanding as my friend has been. My friend has been so good so far that I think I owe him a BJ as thanks! lol :biggrin1::biggrin1:
     
  7. shard38

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    I did tell my best friend I was falling in love with him. He was a bit scared it would change things between us and it took us a few months to figure out how to deal with it. But he slowly got used to the idea and even started thinking about his own feelings. We're lovers now as well, so in the end it worked out great.
     
  8. Redwyvre

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    Yes, fogg you are correct, Cupid has struck again! Lots of good advice so far on this thread. Wish I had LPSG when I was your age. It is wonderful you've admitted how you feel to yourself and us. Now it is strictly up to you if you tell your friend how you feel. I'm thinking he probably isn't in love with you, because when two people feel mutual the course of events seems to always move along really fast and it isn't anything like the almost universal gay guy straight guy thing. Personally, I think telling someone you have a crush on them is fine. No one can argue with how you feel, but it isn't going to change how the other person feels. In my experience the relationship usually fades away after I've said something. Once, however, and this is with my life-long best friend the relationship has just gotten better. There's nothing in the world like a long-term friendship.
     
  9. Uh Huh!

    Uh Huh! Member

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    The saying "you can't help who you fall in love" has become more so poignant recently!
     
  10. rbkwp

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    Who here has ever had a big crush on a close friend? What (if anything) did you do about it? What would you recommend in my situation?

    Cant say i have, perhaps once, but that sorted itself out with his on / off relationship with a mutual lady friend, with a kid resulting and eventually his marriage to her, took almost 25 years before we actually had it off, non analish ( or was it, cant recall now?)

    anyway, feel you MAY be one of the few i would suggest to be right up front with the guy, sounds like yr friendship can handle such, tell him how you feel and if as you say, ' you are not his type' then he has the perfect opt out...you wont be offended huh, and you will know where you stand, and can graciously move on

    Your possibly ' in doubt' at the moment, and perhaps that can be relieved for both of yous with this approach
    as far as possibly spoiling a firendship, a gamble you have to take, but overall, i think its being really fair to BOTH of you huh
    just my thoughts, as you asked ha
    Cheers and all the BEST.

    I definitely caught him checking me out............

    Just on that, perhaps he needs you, to bring him out just that little bit further
    not being his type, certainly doesnt stop partial sexual relationships forming / happening huh?
     
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