Female Friend Taken Advantage Of

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by denton85, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. denton85

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    My Friend, and my GFs friend was taken advantage of. She is my GFs Best Friend.

    I've known this girl for longer than i'm about to make it sound. Back when i was in High School she was my High Schools GF's best friend. Then once i went to college, i lost touch with her for a long long time. Until i was bar hopping almost 2 years ago, and i re-met her, and her new Best Friend. Who i'm now seeing for a while.

    She has a classic drinking problem. She comes from a broken home and a brother that is a drug addict/ dealer/ all around dirt bag (her words and description). All of these things have led to her being a very personalty/ emotionally withdrawn individual. To be honest she reminds myself of a female version of myself. However she has a genetic influence of alcoholism. (something that i'm sure if was in my blood i'd be a full blown alcoholic) . Each and every time i've been out with her drinking either me or my GF had to take care of her.

    (in fact the first night that we re-met with my current GF she was "aiming" to hook up with me, instead i made out with my girl, and she projectile vomited on my Best Friend. Pretty funny scene really.)

    But now to the point.

    She just graduated from college a year ago. She is in that awkward stage of not knowing what to do, especially within this bad economy. Working jobs she hates.

    Up until 2 months ago, she was in fact a virgin. She's had nothing but bad luck with guys. Probably because of her emotional detachment that is uncharacteristic of most women, and her drinking problem. I met up with old college friends that brought along a good guy. He flirted, with my friend. And they started to date and see eac hother afterwards. She then lost her virginity to him. (yes she told him, she is older than him. He's 21 and she just turned 23, and she didn't think it was right to lie to him.)

    1 Month ago he went off to London to study abroad they didn't make their relationship official, they decided to wait until afterwards to see how things work out. (a realistic view in my opinion.) He's been doing his own thing going out and having fun, but would always come back and talk to her online afterwards. Being faithful .... even though they weren't officially a real couple.

    A few days ago she went to visit 2 college friends she went to school with. Both of them men. She has gotten drunk and hung out with them countless and countless of times though out her college career. All the times ending with her just passing out and nothing else happening.

    However this last time, she had too much to drink, and blacked out. But the things she did remember was them telling her to take off her top and her refusing. Then she remembers waking up in the bathtub naked (shower head on waking her up) and one of the guys trying to make her give her head. Then the next thing she remembers is early the next morning one of the guys attempting to penetrate her ... in which she eventually realized what was happening, threw him off, got dressed and drove home.....

    What i've told you is all i know. The details are few and far in between. We bought her Plan B just in case. And had advised her to get tested for STDs. (Even though we are 99% sure there was no vaginal sex cause after the first time she had sex she was sore for a while, and she was not sore at all this time, but this is not a situations you should take chances. ) She has free counseling from the job my girl got her, and we have told her to see them.

    She has had the usual reactions (i have a degree in psych) she feels shame, and guilt. My girl has been trying to talk to her... (she lost her own virginity in a rape when she was in her early teens).

    She Facebooked messaged the guy she has been seeing and told her what happened. She felt obligated to tell him the truth because he's been faithful, and she really likes him, and wants a future with him, and the only way that can continue is with the truth. .... but sadly after she sent the Facebook message he has not responded, or talked to her. (keep in mind the cost of overseas messaging and cell phone charges are too crazy to maintain in general)

    By this point 95% of peopel have stopped reading/ caring, but i don't know what to do. I've done the usual friend thing with my girl. I want to help her more with the abuse she had gone through, and with her relationship problem that it has happened. But from JUST a friend point of view we are doing what we can do. However... i want to do more... but not sure how

    I want to maybe fix this relationship but i doubt it would be appropriate to message this guy that i barely know through friends and try to figure out why he hasn't talked to her yet.

    I know that he might be either A. Angry that she got taken advantage of, or B. Feeling insecure or just C. Doesn't even know how to react.

    I'm looking for all good advise really.
     
  2. Wish-4-8

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    Just be supportive. Listen more than give advice. If she wants to follow up and press charges against the guys at the party, be there for her so she doesnt do it alone.

    Really, thats about all you could do, or need to do. She is a big girl and should learn from that. Yeah, drinking will impair your judgment and eventually put you in bad situations and cause you to lose the things you really care about. So, is it worth it?

    Thats the message that you hope she will realize. You cant nag her about it. Maybe, the two of you can find some other non-alcoholic activities to do together. Be a good friend and a good influence.
     
  3. denton85

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    We didn't even talk about the 'drinking" aspect of it. We are being supportive every step of the way and just trying to be their for her. She isn't planning on pressing charges. We voiced out opinions in favor of pressing charges, but she decided not to because she thinks it would just be a battle of they said she said argument.....

    i've known a few girls who have gotten take advantage of or even raped, but it was after the fact. This is the first time i've known the girl during the abuse has happened....

    i just want to do more..... even considered calling in friends who know people who could take care of them.... and to be honest... i'm still considering it .... but i know it's wrong... so i wont...

    I have this saying WWCPD (what would Captain Picard Do, and yeah i'm a big geek, but it's helped me out of my dark stages, and helped me through my heavy anger problems)

    *sigh*
     
  4. dolfette

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    poor girl!
    and what utter arseholes to do that.
    i hope she decides to stop drinking now. it's just not safe to get into that state, even around men you think are your friends.

    you can't fix this relationship. he either decides to be there for her or he doesn't. it's his choice, not yours.
     
  5. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    FGOMES85: You are a stupid and completely useless friend - I can't believe you didn't even tell her to go to the hospital or the cops. You idiot! With friends like you this woman does not need enemies.:mad:

    If you are the kind of friends she has, no wonder she's drinking. You moron!

    That said.


    The first thing she should have done is go to the hospital so they can give her a rape kit. The second thing she should have done is press charges. That was at the very least sexual battery which is a felony with jail time.

    Right now what she should do is go to the police and make a report. Then she should go to hospital and get herself checked out in case any evidence can be retrieved.

    The American Bar association has pro-bono lawyers who can work with women in cases of battery and can advice her on how to proceed.

    Make no mistake this is a very serious situation and those "friends" of hers need to go to jail.

    Perhaps part of why she's drinking is because she's surrounded by worthless friends like you (who can't give her any good advice) and those guys who rape her.

    A lot of women don't understand that if something like this happens to you, you cannot be "nice" or "understanding" you must go extreme terminator and do your best to destroy the perpetrator without breaking the law, so that you can come out feeling a little bit less like a victim, otherwise you jeorpadize your chances of any kind of recovery from this trauma. Ladies, when someone does this to you that person is the kind of enemy whom you must destroy or at least do your best to - all within the law. In a simplified version when someone punches you and you punch them back you feel better, if you take it in silence you'll never be able to forget the punch.

    To bad she doesn't have any real friends who could have adviced her properly. Instead she has people like you. Loser!

    Meanwhile, she won't be able to have any kind of relationship for a long long time. If you want to be any kind of friend, advice her to take the following steps:

    Police, hospital, lawyer, pscyhiatrist.


    And you are total twit for not being able to advice your friend better, idiot! In fact you should stop calling yourself her friend.:mad:


     
    #5 kit_kat, Feb 22, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  6. dolfette

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    he DID tell her he thought she should go to the police.
    he said so in the second post.
    but she is one of those people we call ADULTS.
    it's up to her if she wants to do those things or not.
    it's not his job to force her.

    you sound like a rabid mouth foamer in this post, doll.
     
  7. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    One more thing if I were her, I would write letters to the parents of the guys involved and tell them what happened and how it made her feel. I would also try to sue the guys and their parents to pay for mental health care.
     
  8. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    Dolfette: I am a kind of person who gets very angry when people do bad things to other people and the by-standers just stand-by or act all helpless and ineffective.

    If I were going to be a rabid foamer, I would have added a lot of the choice curse words that were going through my mind.

     
    #8 kit_kat, Feb 22, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  9. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    FGOMES85: You could also go to the police with your concerns yourself.


     
  10. dolfette

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    kit_kat, she has had quite enough choice ripped from her hands!

    if her friends don't respect that her no means no then what will that do to her mental state? that's a very clear message that her saying no means nothing to them either.

    her friends are being supportive, listening to her, helping out, and that's exactly what they should do. they've offered their advice and she, being an ADULT, has CHOSEN not to take it.

    i feel sorry for any friends of yours. truly. having your life bulldozed by some do-gooder control freak is traumatic.

    IT'S NOT HIS JOB TO RUN HER LIFE!
     
  11. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    dolfette: My friends are very happy to have me in their corner, and they have told me so explicitly.


     
  12. dolfette

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    i should imagine they daren't say anything else.
     
  13. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    Oh they volunteered the information.

     
  14. Gillette

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    Well they'd hardly be bystanders if they didn't.

    How does that work? He has no evidence to present. The only way for anything to happen would be for the police to talk with her, something she has already stated she doesn't want to do. I believe forcing on her something she didn't want was the problem in the first place.

    You owe FGOMES85 an apology for all the insults you've thrown at him.
     
  15. dolfette

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    i'm sure you believe that.
     
  16. dolfette

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    exactly!

    and fgomes85 sounds like he's doing all the right things. kudos to him for being such a caring and supportive friend.
     
  17. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    Actually they did. You just wish they didn't, but they did.

     
  18. dolfette

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    like i said, i'm sure you believe that.
     
  19. dolfette

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    ...you deleted this post. why?
     
    #19 dolfette, Feb 22, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  20. kit_kat

    kit_kat New Member

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    I got bored...
     
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