Femmespeak translation needed

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by AnonymousToast, Jun 22, 2007.

  1. AnonymousToast

    AnonymousToast New Member

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    Greetings to all the party peoples in the house.

    'Kay, with that out of the way, onto the thread at large.

    My girlfriend of two and a half years started acting really strange toward me about two weeks ago. Since then, the relationship got more and more tense, until at last she said something to the effect of "I feel like you don't care about me, you don't pay attention."

    Granted, at times I have the attention span of a retarded fruit fly, so I did my best. I've cut my daily sugar intake by half, I'm working on finding a doctor so I can find out if I have adult ADD, etc. etc.

    Cut to last night. I call her, we talk for about 12 seconds and her phone dies. So I get on World of Warcraft to chat with her, since that's our only reliable mode of communication any more.

    This is where the request for femmespeak translation comes in to play. To sum up, she said:
    "I want to be alone. The back of my mind has known this for about a year, I've only really known for about a month. If I knew why, I'd do something about it. I want to live alone and I want to die alone. I'm not going to consider giving us another chance right now. I don't want to hurt you, and I'm afraid you'll hurt me."

    As for that last part, I've never laid a finger on her. From the few times she's been able to open up to me, she's told me that I hurt her when it feels like I ignore her. At the same time, every time I try to get in touch with her, she tells me it feels like I'm being clingy. And the only time I feel hurt is when she won't be forthcoming with me.

    Anyway, people who know what any/all of this means: I'm 20 years old. This is my first relationship. I have no experience in decoding femmespeak. Please, please, PLEASE help me out here. I've been sick for the past few days worrying about what would happen, and last night it did.
     
  2. DC_DEEP

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    Femmespeak is a complicated thing and most of it is like the word "aloha" in Hawaiian... one phrase can mean any number of unrelated things. Bottom line is: listen to it with man-ears. Take if for face value - whatever the reason, she has decided that she does not want to be a couple with you anymore. Grieve and move on.
     
  3. Blocko

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    Tell her how you feel, but listen to and respect her feelings (make sure she knows you do) and support her if this is what she needs to do. No matter what the translation (and there are MANY) this is the only course of action you can reasonably take. If she doesn't truly want to go, she'll tell you how she feels, sometimes people just need to be supported.

    Sometimes women aren't ready for a relationship and maybe your girlfriend has something she has to work out for herself. Let her go if she must, let her know you don't hate her for her choice and that she's always welcome to contact you but don't make it sound like you're waiting, because you shouldn't be.

    Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Don't expect anything.
     
  4. AnonymousToast

    AnonymousToast New Member

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    I suppose I should add that I left her a voicemail at about 2 in the morning. I was polite, and caring, and essentially said "Don't worry, I'm not begging you to come back. I'm not asking what I can do to get you back. I simply wanted to let you know that, if that's what you want, then I guess I've got to let you have it. I love you, I always will, but you need what you need and I'm not going chase someone that I can't have. If you ever want to give us a try again, you've got my number."

    So yeah... how'd I handle it?

    P.S. Yeah, that should've gone in the first post.
     
  5. prince_will

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    yikes....it sounds a bit serious. i know she doesn't mane that you will physical when she says hurt. That could mean a matter of things. She might be afraid that you get tired of her, or leave her, or she's afraid of a bitter end to the relationship. I would guess that she has probably been through a really bad breakup/relationship to say stuff like that.

    i think you should at least try to see her again just to see what's up.
     
  6. prince_will

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    hmm...sounds good, but i still think you should try see her just to talk. there's only so much you can understand and so much you can say through text and voicemail.
     
  7. D_Neeson Niceone

    D_Neeson Niceone New Member

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    Heh, ok bro, just my advice: leave that back in 1988. Tell your kids about it one day.

    Ok, now for the girl. My advice? Don't get hung up on girls. Nothing wastes time like pursuing a girl that just isn't all about you. Relationships take work, but not herculean feats. If a girl is saying to you she needs space then its time to move on to a new girl. Don't try to figure it out. Don't try to come up with some amazing way to "win" her back. Instead, force yourself to start meeting new people. You are an awesome person and you deserve someone who's into it just as much as you are. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck!
     
  8. SpoiledPrincess

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    Sounds like she's playing games, I agree with a previous poster, take what she says at face value and let her be alone, if she wants you back let her do the running but don't let her play silly head games. You hurt her when you ignore her, yet when you're demonstrative she doesn't like it, she's put you in a position where you can't win and you'll just end up tied in knots. Move on to someone adult enough to say what they do want.
     
  9. pavement

    pavement New Member

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    Justification
     
  10. SomeGuyOverThere

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    Jeese that's almost as good as "I love him, but I'm not in love with him". I'm afraid that on just makes me laugh.

    The female brain is a strange thing, it sounds like it may be a mindfuck, but it also might be a femmebabble moment. I agree that you should take it at face value, treat it as a breakup, and if it was a mindfuck, then you know it was for the best.
     
  11. HazelGod

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    Ditto what's been advised here already...especially given how young you are. Move on, play the field, sow some oats, and all those other hackneyed phrases that all boil down to the same thing: go get some experience. Enjoy life as a single man and don't be in a rush to tie yourself to one woman.

    And from one Tower junkie to another, that passage in your signature is the Gunslinger's Catechism, not mantra. :biggrin1:
     
  12. happyfeet

    happyfeet New Member

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    I agree. Move on. She sounds like more work than she's worth, even if you can't see it right now.
     
  13. vibratingfinger

    vibratingfinger New Member

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    Sounds like she might be a bit fucked up in the head right now. That's one disadvantage of a big dick. Eventually you penetrate her brain it leads to this.
     
  14. prince_will

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    lolol....omg. 10 points for that one.
     
  15. AnonymousToast

    AnonymousToast New Member

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    Hoo... where to start.

    First of all, thanks for the replies everyone. I know I'm not exactly a charter member here, so the relative flood of responses just means that much more.

    For the most part, yeah, I'm gonna treat it as a breakup. And yes, I've decided that if she wants to the chasing, she can. I'm not going to. That doesn't mean I'm cutting ties with her, because I love her and still care whether she lives or dies, but I'm content with only friendship for now. Of course, I'll probably nauseated with depression later tonight, but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

    prince_will: I would give my left nut to see her again. That means a lot, because the right one never dropped thanks to a botched hernia operation. But at the moment, it's not worth the risk or heartache. And yeah, she has had a history of bad relationships. In fact, all of her previous boyfriends either wound up cheating on her or beating on her, so I understand her fear. Even if I haven't done either of those in... ever.

    SpoiledPrincess: It's odd. Sometimes she's extremely forthcoming, other times she seems like she can't make up her mind about whether or not I love her.

    pavement: What?

    HazelGod: Thankee sai! I thought that sounded off. I'll change my sig straightaway.

    vibratingfinger: I wish that was the case. I'm not one of the lucky guys that needs support, I'm one of those guys who's exercising himself so he does need support. (Convoluted, I know. Trans: Blah blah I'm jelqing)

    Again, thanks everyone. If anything changes, I'll be sure to post something in this thread.
     
  16. Blocko

    Blocko Member

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    Some women can not accept being loved. Or more aptly, they can not accept that you love what they see themselves as (or even that it's possible). This is common with the kind of girl who's been in bad relationships, especially if she's been beaten up on.

     
  17. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I just wanted to add one thing to the mix. It's good that you are accepting her feelings and not choosing to pursue the relationship. I am concerned, however, that you're setting yourself up to be emotionally available to her at a moment's notice. For a breakup to start working and for people to heal and recover from it, you need some space from her, too. The good thing about making some space for yourself is that you have enough clarity to prevent misinterpretations of the way she will start acting toward you now that the separation is official. It'll make you more clear, less emotionally reactive, and better equipped to know how the both of you stand with each other.

    That means really putting some thought into this whole friendship thing. Some exes can be amiable and friendly and actually get along really well without the pressure of a successful monogamous relationship. Others confuse the boundaries, participate in sexual behavior, and muddle things up. Still others can't stand each other to any degree. All of those end results are pretty real and it takes time to figure out the way things are heading. So, just step back...

    There's nothing wrong with being civil or even good natured toward one another, but maybe you should refrain from hanging out any more than necessary. If you need to return gifts or accept yours from her, or if you need to work out money situations or split up things that the two of you own, do so in a concise manner. Take all these acts and actions at face value. Be a good guy; know that you can only control how you handle the breakup and don't start taking blame for her emotions.
     
  18. monstro

    monstro New Member

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    Wish her well and move on.
     
  19. stretcher74

    stretcher74 New Member

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    " If you ever want to give us a try again, you've got my number."

    You just handed her your remaining nut.

    You've spent 2 years of your life with her and she dumps you in a World of Warcraft text chat window ? But you just want to let her know she can call you anytime and pick up where she left off.

    There's something seriously wrong with the power-dynamic here. I think you need to go out in the woods, beat a drum, shoot some innocent looking animal and find some of your masculinity.

    The reality is that she probably dumped you for the almost the opposite of what she has said verbally. You've probably been too open and considerate and understanding. So she treats you like shit to see if you'll put up with it, and you do. Ultimately these aren't very male characteristics. When you stop being male she stops being attracted and after a few weeks/months her conscious mind starts looking for a rationalization out.

    Try being a total dick. She certianly is one.
     
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