Fighting with GF
- Thread starter KingKoopa
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Because she's one of the more immature of the females out there who goes into an argument with anyone, regardless of if they are a significant person in her life, with "no holds barred." Think of kids, and how they try to say whatever hurts the most because they don't yet know better than to consider the consequences of today's fight on days to come. Now imagine a girl who grew up from that, used to getting away with being cute and never having to really face the consequences of her actions. Now compare the two.
It's a low-blow and, even if you're not severely offended by it, it's a place a typical argument should never go. People who resort to "anything that hurts, so I can feel like I came out on top" in an argument do not have the mental capacity to put their thoughts together and make a cogent argument so they just aim to hurt when they're not happy-- which may be a factor in why you guys are arguing and not conversing.
She needs to grow up. And you ... I suppose could try to waste your time convincing her, or just find someone more mature.
It's a low-blow and, even if you're not severely offended by it, it's a place a typical argument should never go. People who resort to "anything that hurts, so I can feel like I came out on top" in an argument do not have the mental capacity to put their thoughts together and make a cogent argument so they just aim to hurt when they're not happy-- which may be a factor in why you guys are arguing and not conversing.
She needs to grow up. And you ... I suppose could try to waste your time convincing her, or just find someone more mature.
I'm sorry; I skipped quite a good post here (sorry, I got bored with all the "your cock is fiiiine" posts, which simply got redundant and off-topic).
I completely agree with petite, that obviously your girlfriend was hurt in some way, and you probably have some introspection to do: there's two sides to every argument. However, communication is paramount in any relationship. If you can't communicate your differences and settle things, how do you expect to work? It should go without saying that, if you two are arguing, there is something that needs to be worked out-- most likely, something on both sides. That doesn't, however, give either of you justification to fight dirty. Fighting dirty is scarcely honorable or even socially acceptable in more practical situations, among people who don't even know each other; the last place it should happen is in an intimate relationship.
I think petite is right. I saw your gallery so I think you are not too insecure about your penis. So no need to retaliate. Be a man and get over it. Look for the reason why she said it. If she does it just to abuse you, you should think about getting someone else. If she does it because she can't win the argument, it's kind of like somebody on an internet discussion saying "Hitler did that too". Meaning this is a childish way to try and win the discussion without a valid argument.
Not really the same situation, but here is my story:
I had a girl saying it once to me too, also in a fight. But since I am very secure about my size, it just came of comically. A small silence fell, I started grinning and said: "And you are so fat that people would try rolling you back into the sea." She, of course, is everything but fat (with about 45kg for 1m65). So at that point we bursted into laughter. I think she intentionally made that remark to defuse the situation.
Not really the same situation, but here is my story:
I had a girl saying it once to me too, also in a fight. But since I am very secure about my size, it just came of comically. A small silence fell, I started grinning and said: "And you are so fat that people would try rolling you back into the sea." She, of course, is everything but fat (with about 45kg for 1m65). So at that point we bursted into laughter. I think she intentionally made that remark to defuse the situation.
I think someone resorting to fighting dirty is exhibiting a character flaw and possibly one that won't change. Someone in this thread used the expression "to derail an argument" which resonates with me as a few years I was dealing with a man who claimed he despserately wanted a relationship with me but who was incredibly selfish in bed (ie constanly asking --getting me to go down on him-- but avoiding doing the same for me, among other things.) Each time I tried the "open, honest dialogue" routine he derailed with "I don't know what you're comfortable with."
Really, I ask you to go down on me; I guide your hand to my labia and so on and yet, he could with a straight face tell me that he still did not know what I was comfortable with. I relate this story to say that there should be a limit to one's goodwill in helping your partner to understand you. I finally told the guy that I have told him verbally and non verbally what I would like and if by now, he doesn't understand I don't know what to do. He tried to raise the ante by saying that perhaps I was a poor communicator. To which I said, then perhaps we are not right for each other. To which, he started to back track.
So be confident in yourself. If you have expressed yourself the best that you can; gone as far as the limts of your comfort zone to do so and yet this still resorts to telling you that your penis is small as if that has anything to do with leaving the carkeys in a place where you can find them, I say it's time to cut her loose.
Really, I ask you to go down on me; I guide your hand to my labia and so on and yet, he could with a straight face tell me that he still did not know what I was comfortable with. I relate this story to say that there should be a limit to one's goodwill in helping your partner to understand you. I finally told the guy that I have told him verbally and non verbally what I would like and if by now, he doesn't understand I don't know what to do. He tried to raise the ante by saying that perhaps I was a poor communicator. To which I said, then perhaps we are not right for each other. To which, he started to back track.
So be confident in yourself. If you have expressed yourself the best that you can; gone as far as the limts of your comfort zone to do so and yet this still resorts to telling you that your penis is small as if that has anything to do with leaving the carkeys in a place where you can find them, I say it's time to cut her loose.
You can change how you argue with your mate.
Learning how to argue with one's spouse so that things don't turn ugly isn't something that is innate in people. They are skills that can be learned and it's one of the reasons why we attended the couples workshop, so that we could learn those skills.
It's easy to judge someone on a forum when they only tell one side of the story, but that couples workshop taught me a few things, it forced us to look a lot deeper at ourselves, and what happens during an argument, and why hearing this side of the story doesn't really tell us what happened. It was enlightening.
Let me elaborate a little bit further about "saying something immature" and what we learned at the couples workshop about that.
The workshop was my idea, and TheBF was brave and enthusiastic about going, so when it came time to work on our first "conflict" and "arguing" exercise, I knew that I was going to have to bite the bullet first, to show willing, and to set a good example.
Our first task was to bring up an argument from the past over an issue that is currently resolved but one that got out of control, and try it again, doing it right this time. We had sheets of paper in front of us, with steps instructing us, guiding us on how to do it better this time. It was simple. So we started off on Step 1.
I was nervous, because there have been quite a few times when I haven't behaved well in the heat of the moment. Out of the two of us, I'm more likely to lose my temper, although both of us have had immature moments when we've said or done things that we really don't mean, even said things as immature as the OP's girlfriend. I admit it. We are not perfect, especially when we argue and we lose our tempers. Relationship research shows that behaving badly during an argument is common. If behaving badly couldn't be avoided, then the damage done by that argument needs to be repaired.
And now I would have to face the music first for the first exercise, since this was all my idea. I put on my brave face and was ready to take my lumps.
He brought up one of our earliest incidents when an argument got out of control. I confess, I did not behave well! And as soon as he brought up what I did, I started laughing, out of embarrassment, and he began laughing, too. This was good. We were supposed to be working on maintaining more affection and good humor during our arguments and a willingness to "cut your partner some slack" so the fact that looking back on that incident made both of us laugh now was a very good sign.
This is how he brought it up, "You remember that time you took off your ring (one he bought me) and you threw it at me? What made you do that?" He looked sincere, but a little scolding. At this point, my face turned red, and I began laughing at how terribly I had acted. Mature women are not supposed to throw jewelry to make a point during an argument, and I was embarrassed that I had done so and started laughing out of embarrassment.
I said, "Do we have to do that one? I guess we do. I did that, didn't I?" He nodded his head, eyebrows raised. He had his, "you were very naughty" look on his face. We were both laughing now.
I said, "Well, if I remember correctly... You had just said something extremely mean to me, and I believe that was my retort!" I raised my eyebrows at him. We both started laughing harder.
There was a moment when it dawned on both of us that although I had lost my temper first, TheBF wasn't without blame. He had said something extremely cruel just a moment before, something that he really should not have said and I was understandably hurt, very deeply hurt, and that's when he looked embarrassed. He knew that he shouldn't have said it.
Funny, until that moment, both of us just remembered the dramatic moment of me throwing the jewelry, and neither of us remembered what provoked it until we went over the sequence of events. Considering what he said, my reaction no longer seemed out of place. This was to repeat itself enough times over the weekend that the point was driven home. I had acted out, but I was not the first one who crossed the line. Likewise when he acted out, it was because of something I did or said. Over and over again, even though one person behaved more dramatically or said or did something undeniably immature, we were both culpable because the other person had done or said something that provoked that reaction, something that had caused a lot of pain or hurt feelings, and that meant that neither of us were innocent.
We both realized that the tables had turned. We were both supposed to take responsibility for our part of the argument, concede where we were wrong, and talk about our feelings, and he had been responsible for saying something so very mean.
He said, "Oh... Is that what happened? Because I seem to remember that I just told you that I had rescued some puppies..." And we both laughed at that. Now we both looked embarrassed.
I said, "I see, you thought that I just took off my ring and randomly threw it at you for no reason at all?" He nodded his head hard, pretending that's what really happened, with a wry look on his face. We both laughed.
Then we talked about it for real. We had that argument the way it should have gone, and even though I cried a little, at the end I was so glad that that we went over that issue, with both of us talking about our feelings and why we each said what we said, and it was all done with good humor and affection and understanding for one another, and at the end of it, I felt a million times closer to him than I did before. That happened every single time we had another exercise. There was be these moments of revelation like that, that neither of us were so perfect that we should ever act self-righteous, or harshly pass judgment on the other, moments of understanding about why each of us did or said what we did or said, and closure about so many issues we had from the past, plus all those skills that we learned to prevent future arguments from becoming ugly, and if they did, how to repair the damage so that they didn't continue to be issues in the future, like we did when we were practicing with the argument where I felt so hurt that I threw jewelry at TheBF.
The workshop went splendidly, and we learned a lot about each other and we worked through a lot of things that happened in the past. I can't recommend it highly enough. We've never been closer to one another, and we've been using what we've learned.
Handling conflicts better with your mate is definitely a learn-able skill.
Learning how to argue with one's spouse so that things don't turn ugly isn't something that is innate in people. They are skills that can be learned and it's one of the reasons why we attended the couples workshop, so that we could learn those skills.
It's easy to judge someone on a forum when they only tell one side of the story, but that couples workshop taught me a few things, it forced us to look a lot deeper at ourselves, and what happens during an argument, and why hearing this side of the story doesn't really tell us what happened. It was enlightening.
Let me elaborate a little bit further about "saying something immature" and what we learned at the couples workshop about that.
The workshop was my idea, and TheBF was brave and enthusiastic about going, so when it came time to work on our first "conflict" and "arguing" exercise, I knew that I was going to have to bite the bullet first, to show willing, and to set a good example.
Our first task was to bring up an argument from the past over an issue that is currently resolved but one that got out of control, and try it again, doing it right this time. We had sheets of paper in front of us, with steps instructing us, guiding us on how to do it better this time. It was simple. So we started off on Step 1.
I was nervous, because there have been quite a few times when I haven't behaved well in the heat of the moment. Out of the two of us, I'm more likely to lose my temper, although both of us have had immature moments when we've said or done things that we really don't mean, even said things as immature as the OP's girlfriend. I admit it. We are not perfect, especially when we argue and we lose our tempers. Relationship research shows that behaving badly during an argument is common. If behaving badly couldn't be avoided, then the damage done by that argument needs to be repaired.
And now I would have to face the music first for the first exercise, since this was all my idea. I put on my brave face and was ready to take my lumps.
He brought up one of our earliest incidents when an argument got out of control. I confess, I did not behave well! And as soon as he brought up what I did, I started laughing, out of embarrassment, and he began laughing, too. This was good. We were supposed to be working on maintaining more affection and good humor during our arguments and a willingness to "cut your partner some slack" so the fact that looking back on that incident made both of us laugh now was a very good sign.
This is how he brought it up, "You remember that time you took off your ring (one he bought me) and you threw it at me? What made you do that?" He looked sincere, but a little scolding. At this point, my face turned red, and I began laughing at how terribly I had acted. Mature women are not supposed to throw jewelry to make a point during an argument, and I was embarrassed that I had done so and started laughing out of embarrassment.
I said, "Do we have to do that one? I guess we do. I did that, didn't I?" He nodded his head, eyebrows raised. He had his, "you were very naughty" look on his face. We were both laughing now.
I said, "Well, if I remember correctly... You had just said something extremely mean to me, and I believe that was my retort!" I raised my eyebrows at him. We both started laughing harder.
There was a moment when it dawned on both of us that although I had lost my temper first, TheBF wasn't without blame. He had said something extremely cruel just a moment before, something that he really should not have said and I was understandably hurt, very deeply hurt, and that's when he looked embarrassed. He knew that he shouldn't have said it.
Funny, until that moment, both of us just remembered the dramatic moment of me throwing the jewelry, and neither of us remembered what provoked it until we went over the sequence of events. Considering what he said, my reaction no longer seemed out of place. This was to repeat itself enough times over the weekend that the point was driven home. I had acted out, but I was not the first one who crossed the line. Likewise when he acted out, it was because of something I did or said. Over and over again, even though one person behaved more dramatically or said or did something undeniably immature, we were both culpable because the other person had done or said something that provoked that reaction, something that had caused a lot of pain or hurt feelings, and that meant that neither of us were innocent.
We both realized that the tables had turned. We were both supposed to take responsibility for our part of the argument, concede where we were wrong, and talk about our feelings, and he had been responsible for saying something so very mean.
He said, "Oh... Is that what happened? Because I seem to remember that I just told you that I had rescued some puppies..." And we both laughed at that. Now we both looked embarrassed.
I said, "I see, you thought that I just took off my ring and randomly threw it at you for no reason at all?" He nodded his head hard, pretending that's what really happened, with a wry look on his face. We both laughed.
Then we talked about it for real. We had that argument the way it should have gone, and even though I cried a little, at the end I was so glad that that we went over that issue, with both of us talking about our feelings and why we each said what we said, and it was all done with good humor and affection and understanding for one another, and at the end of it, I felt a million times closer to him than I did before. That happened every single time we had another exercise. There was be these moments of revelation like that, that neither of us were so perfect that we should ever act self-righteous, or harshly pass judgment on the other, moments of understanding about why each of us did or said what we did or said, and closure about so many issues we had from the past, plus all those skills that we learned to prevent future arguments from becoming ugly, and if they did, how to repair the damage so that they didn't continue to be issues in the future, like we did when we were practicing with the argument where I felt so hurt that I threw jewelry at TheBF.
The workshop went splendidly, and we learned a lot about each other and we worked through a lot of things that happened in the past. I can't recommend it highly enough. We've never been closer to one another, and we've been using what we've learned.
Handling conflicts better with your mate is definitely a learn-able skill.
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While revising this, the only thing OP said (after his OP) was "thanks for the comments". So I'm afraid new end is right. This is sad...
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AlteredEgo
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Since the OP is banned, I see no real need to stay on topic. I noticed a lot of misogyny in this thread, mostly coming from homosexual and bisexual men. Men who'd be the first to cry and suck their thumbs if someone said something homophobic or bigoted to them. Gotta love the hypocrites.
B_curiousme01
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I think she is mean. If she loved you, she would never say anything to hurt your feelings like this. Find someone better...
B_curiousme01
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Do you really think that way or were you having a bad moment when you wrote this? Because from this reply, I think you really hate women. Not a big deal to me, and I appreciate your honestly, if that' really how you feel.
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