Figuring out gay or straight?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by guestfuse, Aug 13, 2008.

  1. guestfuse

    guestfuse Member

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    One topic everyone always seems to debate daily is whether or not one is born gay/straight, and if they choose what they end up being.

    Here is a better question, I think:
    First off:
    I am male, I have had sex with women a few times, it wasn't really that great.
    I find myself sexually attracted to men more than women.
    I have never had sex with a man.
    I fantasize about sex with men.

    So even though I have never had male/male sex. One, actually everyone, would say that I fall into the "gay" category.

    So I was either born gay, or I chose to be gay. ...According to the differing opinions on the issue. Well I can tell you I didn't choose to be gay. So that would mean I was born gay.

    So if I was born gay, how do I justify the fact that deep inside I want to have a family someday. I want to have a beautiful wife and raise a great family together. I want to raise children. All of the great things that any heterosexual male wants in life ...This doesn't really seem to fall into the gay category. So if I am gay, why would I have these feelings? it seems easy...but it's like I have everything except the sexual attraction to women to make this happen.

    Why don't I have this?

    Part 2: (if you're offended by religious banter ignore this part)
    I believe in God, Jesus as savior. I am not in church every Sunday. But, I have my personal faith. The bible says God wants humans to have sexual relations with a woman and multiply. (I am not here to argue whether or not it denounces homosexual activity, I have no opinion on that) So if that is the case, again, what am I missing? What didn't I get? Shouldn't I be pissed at someone, ready to kick their ass?

    I mean really, What the fuck!?
     
  2. Industrialsize

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    This is not something you are going to "figure out" yourself or with the help of comments made here. In my opinion a good therapist will help you explore your feelings.
     
  3. avg_joe

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    LMAO !!! :biggrin1: I like your response !!!
     
  4. guestfuse

    guestfuse Member

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    Well, I would say I think you are probably right. But does anyone else have a similar issue? Does anyone else any thoughts?
     
  5. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    I think it's agood question, but I can't answer it :frown1:
     
  6. curioustxboy

    curioustxboy New Member

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    Dude, you are DEFINITELY NOT alone in this. Your description sounds just like me. I am str8 in every way (acting, talking, interests, etc.) but I have no sexual interest in women at all, and I have a MAJOR sexual interest in guys. I even got married to a wonderful woman who was willing to "make it work" with me. Well, it did not, but we are still friends. I share your faith and your struggle with reconciling it with my condition. I am convinced that I was born gay, and it does seem unfair. There is a lot of anger. I have gone to therapists off and on, and it DOES help, but I do not believe in a "cure" for homosexuality (I even got involved in the "ex-gay movement" awhile back. I was truly living a lie. I now have a wonderful partner with whom I have been sharing my life (and a great sex-life) for the past 12 years.
    Labels are not what is important. What is important is that we learn to integrate our sexuality into our lives in a healthy way. That is what therapy will help you do.
     
  7. guestfuse

    guestfuse Member

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    Yeah, I guess I should have mentioned that...I sound/look/act straight, as heterosexual men do. I am not at all turned on by the "gay" acting lifestyle or have any desire to enter that. Even if I were in a relationship with a guy I wouldn't change in that sense at all. But like I said, I still don't understand how I develop into the sexual relationship I really desire. Sure I could have a great relationship with another man, I am sure of it. I have had many more great friendships with men than I ever have had with women. But I have no problem saying that I could truly be happy with never having any homosexual desires in exchange for the life I would want to live!
     
  8. Industrialsize

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    Exactly how does a heterosexual man sound/look/act straight?.....BOTH gay and straight men exist on the entire spectrum from ultra-feminine to hyper-masculine.......nothing to do with gay vs. straight in my opinion.
     
  9. guestfuse

    guestfuse Member

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    Agreed, but even though stereotypes are wrong. One must admit that when you speak of a gay lifestyle in acting/appearance/etc. it is generally easy to distinguish between on who is gay and one who is not. By saying I am straight acting, you could say that I don't love to shop, I don't embrace pride parades, etc etc etc. I also don't really know a lot of heterosexual men that really fall hard on the feminine scale. On the contrary, I have definitely seen gay men that go from ultrafem to ultramasc.
     
  10. curioustxboy

    curioustxboy New Member

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    Industrialsize, you are right actually, and since I am the one who introduced "straight acting" into the dialogue I will just say that I was really referring to the fact that everyone assumes I am str8. Sure it is based on stereotypes, but I actually have to convince people that I am gay. They don't believe me until they meet my partner, and even then they think it is a "phase."

    You also brought up the term "spectrum," and you are absolutely right. There is a spectrum just as Kinsey said there is. I know guys who are anywhere from totally str8 to totally gay and everything in between. (Just look at this group and the different % people use to describe their sexual preference). I think the main point here is that we have no contrl over who we are attracted to. We can control how we respond to that attraction, but if someone turns you on, then you have to accept that fact. Pretending otherwise only results in pain and unhappiness.
     
  11. killerb

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    it's funny but I've come across some guys who appear to be flaming, but are actually straight...at least as far as can be seen...nobody knows what goes on behind other people's closed doors...
     
  12. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

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    I totally agree with this statement...
     
  13. EagleCowboy

    EagleCowboy Well-Known Member

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    The first thing you have to figure out is; is marriage and kids what YOU want? Or what someone wanted for you and instilled it into your head?

    If you're wanting to be with a guy but have never been, you should explore that first and see where it takes you. If you decide you want to be with men, then find one that wants kids, build a stable relationship FIRST and adopt later. I know of one gay man that's single, and he's adopted and raising 5 kids on his own and doing very well. I don't see how he does it.

    As we grow up, we're constantly told from every direction to get married, have the 2.5 kids, the 2 story house with the white picket fence, and 2 large SUV's that won't fit in most garages. That's BS!! This is your life, you need to write your own story that works for you. Too many people have tried to tell us all our lives what we want. And don't sweat what other people think because most can't.

    As for part 2:
    A famous comedian who was once a preacher and sadly is no longer with us once told me that everyone must find their own thing with God. Just as your relationship with your parents is different than your brothers and sisters, so is yours with God. So while one person worships a certain way, it doesn't mean that you have to despite what they insist. Just as long as you have a good relationship with God.
     
  14. hockeyguy741

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    there is no point in getting married and having kids then realizing this is not what you want and who you are....you need to sort this out by what ever means you choose and discover who you are and what you really want before you involve other people
     
  15. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    If you want to raise happy, healthy children within a loving marriage, nothing precludes you from doing that with a man. It's 2008.
     
  16. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    Really! My part of the country is a bit behind then. Like, say, stuck in the 1950's? :)

    It's not 2008 *everywhere*...dig?



     
  17. rbkwp

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    My Thoughts
    geustfuse.. Wish you luck in trying to sort thru it all matey.. sounds similar to my own life..at the beginning .. just try and ensure it does not consume your entire life and you end up dead without an answer .. like Pieter .. i cant answer you on that
    curioustxboy i agree with your posts 100%
    What is important is that we learn to integrate our sexuality into our lives in a healthy way.

    In my own experience in my Deep Gay Phase .. living with a guy for 8 years in the 80s we brought up a child well before the Authorities officially?? sanctioned it..a HEALTHY well adjusted 22 year old he is now
    (dont know where his sexuality lies as its none of my business.. am sure analysts would LOVE to probe and find out tho)
    I found my ex Bi partner his current wife..ALL of us are HAPPY
    (i dont live with them)
    Geuss i am saying...make of life what you will...the Sexual Religious Political and all else components are insignificant in my books
    Live Love and attain Happiness for yourself FIRST and others a close 2nd
    enz
     
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