Finding people you jibe with ...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by PatriotSam, Dec 7, 2008.

  1. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    Before you all start reading this, it's relatively random ... I’m just sitting at home feeling sort of alone in the world. I'm putting these comments out there just to get them off my chest and to see what the general consensus is.

    Feel free to comment or not ... I’m not really expecting anything in particular out of this post.

    I was wondering if any of you have had difficulty in finding people socially that you can relate to? I'm talking about people who you can talk to about anything and you won't get ridiculed or alienated because you're interested in certain topics ... people who are roughly your own age? (Or my own age ... which is 30.) With roughly the same level of intelligence and desire for personal advancement and knowledge.

    I don’t know if it's where I live or where I look ... but it seems so difficult to find people I can really relate to. The kind of people who are so like you that you don’t really have to explain stuff to them ... they just understand where you’re going and they can complement your thoughts and ideas with their own.

    Most of the social groups I belong to that deal with my primary hobbies and interests are loaded with great people but they're all much older and mostly male. (Which in itself is not really a problem but I am looking for a girlfriend.) While I truly enjoy spending time with them, conversing with them and learning from them ... it's hard to really relate to them when 98% of them have about 20+ years on me and have full fledged families. (Which is something I can't relate to at all being a single guy ... though I do want a family.)

    If I go to a bar or a club or similar establishment I run into people who are either too young, too old, not very ambitious, intolerant, too obsessed with their appearance, social status and/or material possessions. Their views on the state of the world and or technology are either nonexistent or ridiculously conservative.

    If I go to a more intellectual group it's nice because I can hold a good conversation with them but ultimately I will frighten or confuse them with some of my extreme viewpoints, existential or philosophical topics and ultimately I become outcast or disillusioned with that group as well. Highly intellectual groups also tend to be very logical and lack the creativity I thrive on.

    If I go for the more extreme adventurous type they tend to be very "xtreme" and physical but also very aloof and fail to really follow me on complex conversational topics.

    Artistic groups are pretty good ... but they tend to fade when you get onto more logical topics like business and the economy. I also get driven nuts when artistic types get overly "earth friendly" and "vegan" on me (not that I have anything against the earth or vegans.)

    If I could pick the perfect group they would be relatively young, comprised of men and women, all of which are very ambitious, adventurous and outgoing ... while simultaneously maintaining an upbeat, friendly and level headed attitude. Healthy (no smoking or heavy drinking) and relatively physically fit with an equal desire for physical adventure, artistic and intellectual pursuits. They would also need to be socially involved (contributing to society), very optimistic and good at solving problems.

    I would also want them to be somewhat knowledgeable in science, history, art while also maintaining a very hands on work ethic and not be afraid to get their hands dirty when necessary. They would also need something of an extreme edge to their attitude that drives them to be different.

    These traits just seem so hard to come by in people these days ... actually any day.

    I mean, a large percentage of people in the world are good, moral, hard working people who lead good lives ... absolutely nothing to complain about ... but their perception of the world tends to be rather small and when their pulled outside of that ... they get uncomfortable. It's like they're locked into their little bubble and don't want to break out of it.

    Then on the other hand you have people who are unstable in one way or another and constantly making bad choices and then constantly blaming everyone but themselves for why everything is going wrong for them.

    I don’t know ... I just seems like the really forward thinking, motivated people who break the mold and get excited by the adventure of doing things their own way are few and far between. People who confront every problem knowing that there is a good solution, they just have to find it. People you can never really get down because no matter what comes their way, they're going to work through it and come out on top ... or at least survive it to fight another day!

    It's these lonely Friday and Saturday nights where I sit at home and stare at my monitor wondering where I can find people to relate to ... and if I go out I usually just come home disappointed.

    Those are my thoughts for the evening ... take em or leave em.
     
  2. marleyisalegend

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    I feel ya, sometimes I think I was posta be born in the 60s cuz I do NOT understand people my own age. Most of my friends are older people, from my music to my choice in movies and just activities, other young people find me boring.

    Most Friday nights I'm usually indoors drinking Paul Masson and playing scrabble and listening to jazz, you see one club you seen em all but my friends act like I'm missing Jesus Christ by not going.

    When I can sit a young person down long enough to talk to them, I find myself rolling my eyes a lot cuz nothing is the same, different values, different hobbes, different interests. I don't get them, they don't get me. Awesome thread.
     
  3. Principessa

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    Marley stop drinking that cheapo Paul Masson and get you some Riunite Lambrusco or Beringer White Zinfandel. :tongue:
     
  4. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    I don't think i need to go back to the 60s to find what I'm looking for ... i just think that the way I'm thinking is "too old for my age".

    Last year I was driving to dinner with my father and a visiting co-worker (both about 60 years old) and the co-worker asked me what i did for a living.

    I told him that i was self employed and started my own company. I told him it was because i hated the way by old boss ran the company i worked for previously and i thought i could do better on my own.

    His response was "That's great! Most people don't come to that realization until their my age."

    That sort of has me thinking that maybe my brain is in a different place than most people my age ... as such i have a hard time "being 29" and that would explain why i befriend so many people in their 50s.

    Again, having lots of friends in their 50s is really nice ... but at the end of they day when they've got a wife and 6 kids ... and you're single ... it really puts a big gap between their lifestyle and your own.
     
  5. marleyisalegend

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    Girl you know I'm ballin on a budget!

    Patriot, try finding younger guys who are on your level. It won't be easy but they're out there.
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Sorry Sam, I don't think you're going to find any one group to be all you want. You just have to take what you like from each and simply enjoy it. That you do enjoy all these various activities and peoples makes me pretty certain there is one thing you could do that might help the situation: throw a party. Get the most interesting people from each of these groups and throw them together. The best parties are made from groups of wildly disparate people willing to expand their social horizons and not prejudge. The guests that find things in common and enjoy the melange are the guests you want to keep. It would make for a much more exciting Saturday night. There's a real art to throwing a party and most people have no clue how to do it. The guests make the party worthwhile, not the entertainment or the food (though booze does come close). The greatest party throwers in the world aren't remembered for their lavishness, but for the diversity and intellectual stimulation of their guest lists.

    Have you actually asked any of these people if they know any women your age who like what you do? Be forward with these friends. No doubt you've noticed one of the great advantages of age is the capacity to not be shocked by terribly much. I'm sure they're well aware you could do with a girl your age so why not ask? Once again, a setup date is better than stayin' home on a Saturday night.

    I really hope you live in a university town because it sounds to me that it would provide the kind of stimulation you require. Lot of grad students milling about from all kinds of different disciplines, faculty of widely diverse interests, and many young women with a head on their shoulders. If you don't live in one, consider moving.
     
  7. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Oh and I live in a little town where I have next to nothing in common with most of the people who live here. I'm working on getting out but this economy isn't helping at all. That's why I spend time on the internet (that and my insatiable thirst for knowledge).
     
  8. Enid

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    Yea, I feel like I have a hard time finding people to relate to socially. Once in a blue moon I feel like I'm missing out, but for the most part I take pleasure in the small things and that satisfies me. Reminding myself that we all feel isolated in some form or another helps me too, so I guess I look for the ways I can stay connected and engaged so I don't turn into a total social misanthrope.
     
  9. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    It's so funny that you would have Daria as your avatar! While i was writing the initial post i kept thinking of her in the back of my head ... i kept thinking of her monologues.

    I'm very connected ... very busy most of the time.

    It's just that when all the chaos and excitement wind down and I'm back at home ... I'm sitting here at my computer alone and wishing i had someone to chat with ... that's when i sort of realize how alone I am.

    Some friends i could relate to would be great but what i really need is a wife.

    Despite all the cool and exciting things i get to do in my life ... i look at some of my old high school friends who are married ... i see how they're never alone because they have each other ... and all my successes and achievements become meaningless in the presence of their love.

    It's like my little castle comes crumbling to the ground and all i really want is someone to share my life and grow old with.

    I think maybe that's really the answer to my problem.

    Of course finding that perfect woman is an even larger problem than not having one!
     
  10. D_BarryBunwarmer

    D_BarryBunwarmer Account Disabled

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    The answer to your question is yes
     
  11. salinger

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    There are people out there, but it is hard to find them when you sit behind a computer all day. I'm not trying to be harsh, it's an easy trap to fall into. You can't get decent socialization out there so you find it in here. I've been lucky that I was able to move to Hollywood and find both people that share my interests but also many that challenge me intellectually (that is to say, not just a bunch of people that agree with me). And Hollywood isn't the easiest place for this. 80% of the people here are douchebags.

    My advice is that if you're not getting it where you live - move. It seems crazy and hard and all that stuff but it was the best thing I ever did and not as expensive or difficult in the scheme of things.
     
  12. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    I actually had this thought after i wrote the initial post.

    I don't live in a university town but i am in relatively close proximity to several of them.

    Actually there is one group (International Game Developers Association) that i regularly attend events with that is mostly comprised of people my own age ... of all the groups i deal with i think i enjoy my time with them the most.

    The only problem is that when the organized events are all done ... i live half an hour away and then much of my time is spent traveling around the world for my business. I don't really have much casual contact with the members outside of the organized events.

    It's really a catch 22 ... i can either quit my entrepreneurial lifestyle that i love to take a boring ole desk job with a 9-5 schedule ... or continue to do what i love and be constantly bouncing around the world.

    It's a weird problem to have ... and honestly when I'm in airports talking to other people on the road ... they seem to have a similar problem ... never in one spot long enough to maintain a relationship.

    I guess that's why they call it "settling down" ... only problem is that i don't want to stop because i love what i do.

    Oh well, I'm sure the answer will present itself when the time is right.
     
  13. salinger

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    Your only option besides this job isn't a 9-5 job. That's the American myth. I've worked consistently since I graduated college and I've never really had a permanent job. If you're smart about it, you can work freelance, do what you enjoy, set your own schedule, and maintain your lifestyle. I'm assuming given where you've said you are in life, but you shouldn't have to give it all up just to find some normalcy. You just need a better way to meet people and socialize. If there's not a campus around you, start a book club, or movie club or some other group for wayward singles. Networking isn't just for promotions any more.
     
  14. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    Just because I post here doesn't mean that all I do is sit on my computer all day ... although much of my work requires me to be on the computer for long periods of the day.

    I'm an entrepreneur and as such I'm constantly traveling around the world and constantly interacting with customers face to face.

    I'm a member of half a dozen organizations ... some for business some for fun ... and i spend at least 2 weeks out of every month somewhere other than where i reside.

    The fact that you suggest "moving" would solve my problem only goes to illustrate my difficulty in people understanding my situation. You live in one city and have a job and then you go out on the weekends.

    I live everywhere ... sometimes I'm in California ... sometimes I'm in new York ... other times I'm in China and then tomorrow i could be in Italy.

    I need to find someone the lives a lifestyle similar to my own so that they understand what my life is like and can relate to me on that same level.

    Unfortunately finding someone i can relate to is like trying to tell someone how to find a moving island ... finding it is more a matter of chance.

    Fortunately the Internet is good for connecting to people because i can post in one spot and potentially reach millions of people. If I'm lucky i can reach some people in a similar situation to my own ... sitting on their computers asking themselves these same questions.

    It's funny that you moved to Hollywood ... I spend a lot of time in Las Vegas and i really like it out west ... but when you spend enough time anywhere you realize that the really unique people you're looking for are just as rare wherever you go.

    I've often thought of going to burning man ... that event seems to have a lot of unique people.
     
  15. salinger

    salinger Member

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    I travel a lot as well. For work and for fun. I understand how hard it can get without a base. There are definitely a large number of people like you in exactly the same position. Those are the people you need to find. Whether or not they live in your same city or in one of the cities you frequent shouldn't matter.

    I think any big city - San Fran, LA, NYC, Chicago, Miami, Portland, Seattle, Philly - is going to have a large network of non-locals that are looking to get new friends. Unfortunately, once you're out of school, making new friends isn't easy. You just have to stop finding excuses and just make it happen. I say this to myself, just as much to you. I don't know what the right answer is, but it's out there. Maybe there's a social networking site just for travelers you could come up with.

    I don't know why I;m sounding like "the secret" tonight. Positive postiive positive.
     
  16. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    Actually, let me add that ... it's not that i can't find some people i like ...

    As an example, at a recent 10 year high school reunion ... i saw an old crush from high school and i had not really lost any interest.

    If i lived in that area and could have started a relationship with her that would have been great! But i was only in town for one day.

    Just so happens that next week i have to go to Miami for a few days ... so i suggested that she come along and what was her response ...

    "Oh, that sounds awesome but i won't be able to get out of work."

    And that's what it always is ... they are tied down to their life ... and i can't rightfully ask her to uproot herself just because I'm on the move ... and it's not really fair to me to put a damper on my business just to accommodate her.

    There has to be some middle ground there but I'm not sure i know what it is yet?

    Honestly if i was going to marry the girl i would gladly change my ways ... but how do you get through the dating part if you're never around to date?
     
  17. salinger

    salinger Member

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    It's a difficult situation, but either you make the best of it, or you get out of it. Sure, the girl might not be able to just up and go to Miami, but you can talk to her online, get to her know her a little better and maybe a month or two down the line you can meet up in some random place. Some relationships can really work out well like this because you're constantly in the honeymoon phase because you don't have the time or opportunity to fall into routine.

    On the flip side, if your work is truly causing you misery then get out of it. Decide what's important to you and make that a priority. If your company is making you travel this much, negotiate your way to less. If it's just you, find a way to streamline. Your job should not determine the rest of your life.
     
  18. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    See! Now you are relating to me ... but where do i find people like yourself and how to we get together ... honestly the internet is the best way ... it's not like we can just head down to be bar a hand hang out for a few hours!

    I know there are lots of people like me ... i see them at the airport all the time ... come to think of it ... some of my best casual social moments are at the airport!

    Maybe that's the answer!

    Hang out at the airport bars more often!
     
  19. PatriotSam

    PatriotSam New Member

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    That's exactly what I'm doing with the girl.

    And i love my work ... and it's MY company and i am the only employee right now ... really i have to push through the initial stages so i can get enough business to hire other people to do all this running around for me.

    See, we're just coming around to the same conclusions as i came to thinking about it previously.

    I just come online and chat like this so that someone like you can tell me ... and confirm ... what i already know.

    So thanks!
     
  20. salinger

    salinger Member

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    Maybe it's a matter of extending the conversation beyond the airport bars. Exchange emails. Keep in touch.

    Maybe the week before you hit a new city put up a craigslist ad or something asking people to meet for a beer. are you on facebook? It's a great way to keep in touch with a lot of people without putting forth a lot of effort on your part.

    I just spent six months traveling through Europe (for fun, so not hte same thing, I understand) and I really had to go out of my way to make my own social outlets. A lot of times they would fall in my lap, but a lot of times I had to put forth the effort.

    The internet can be a great tool, I just wouldn't necessarily use LPSG as your biggest networking tool (pun intended).
     
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