Fine Dessert's Bad Jokes III

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Pecker, Nov 12, 2003.

  1. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A woman takes a bite of a chicken sandwich in a fast food restaurant and starts to choke.

    People are yelling at each other frantically, trying to figure out what to do.

    Two men sitting in the corner whisper to each other, nod in agreement and run in front of the choking lady, where one of the men strips out of his overalls and bends over buck naked. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

    Upon seeing this, the lady vomits, forcing the lodged food from her throat.

    After making sure the lady is OK, the two heros return to their food.

    One says, "Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

    One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"

    The husband, however, was suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

    "Who are YOU?" he demanded.

    "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

    "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

    "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

    "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

    The exterminator looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!!!"
     
  3. Imported

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    wvalady1968: FINE

    This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

    FIVE MINUTES

    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

    NOTHING

    This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

    GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

    This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

    GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

    This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    LOUD SIGH

    This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

    SOFT SIGH

    Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

    THAT'S OKAY

    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

    GO AHEAD!

    At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

    PLEASE DO

    This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

    THANKS

    A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say "You're welcome".

    THANKS A LOT

    This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and it will be followed by the "Loud Sigh.." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
     
  4. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    Allie,

    Why do you feel like women have to resort to a "coded" speak to get their point across instead of just coming right out and saying what's on their mind?
     
  5. Imported

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    wvalady1968: [quote author=DeeBlackthorne link=board=99;num=1068686172;start=0#3 date=11/14/03 at 07:03:20]Allie,

    Why do you feel like women have to resort to a "coded" speak to get their point across instead of just coming right out and saying what's on their mind?[/quote]

    Darling Dee,

    It isn't code to us! It's 'woman speak'. That's why I felt the need to provide this translation for the younger guys who haven't quite mastered our language yet.

    :D



    :-*
    Allie
     
  6. Max

    Max New Member

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    Re "woman speak". I am 100%% with Dee on this.

    In the face of that (faintly depressing) catalogue of feminine shortcomings ... is it any wonder that we have developed the ultimate male weapon i.e. selective deafness? It has always worked a treat for me.
     
  7. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    "I'm going fishing."
    Really means...
    "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "Let's take your car."
    Really means...
    "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

    "Woman driver."
    Really means...
    "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

    "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
    Really means...
    "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

    "It's a guy thing."
    Really means...
    "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "Can I help with dinner?"
    Really means...
    "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
    Really means...
    Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

    "Good idea."
    Really means...
    "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

    "Have you lost weight?"
    Really means...
    "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

    "My wife doesn't understand me."
    Really means...
    "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

    "It would take too long to explain."
    Really means...
    "I have no idea how it works."

    "I'm getting more exercise lately."
    Really means...
    "The batteries in the remote are dead."

    "I got a lot done."
    Really means...
    "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

    "We're going to be late."
    Really means...
    "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "Hey, I've read all the classics."
    Really means...
    "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

    "You cook just like my mother used to."
    Really means...
    "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

    "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
    Really means...
    "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
    Really means...
    "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "That's interesting, dear."
    Really means...
    "Are you still talking?"

    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    Really means...
    "I forgot our anniversary again."

    "You expect too much of me."
    Really means...
    "You want me to stay awake."

    "It's a really good movie."
    Really means...
    "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

    "That's women's work."
    Really means...
    "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

    "Will you marry me?"
    Really means...
    "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

    "Go ask your mother."
    Really means...
    "I am incapable of making a decision."

    "You know how bad my memory is."
    Really means...
    "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    Really means...
    "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "Football is a man's game."
    Really means...
    "Women are generally too smart to play it."

    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    Really means...
    "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

    "I do help around the house."
    Really means...
    "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
    Really means...
    "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I can't find it."
    Really means...
    "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "What did I do this time?"
    Really means...
    "What did you catch me at?"

    "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
    Really means...
    "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

    "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    Really means...
    "She refused to make my coffee."

    "But I hate to go shopping."
    Really means...
    "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

    "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
    Really means...
    "You may actually get it to start."

    "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
    Really means...
    "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

    "I heard you."
    Really means...
    "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

    "You know I could never love anyone else."
    Really means...
    "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    "You look terrific."
    Really means...
    "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

    "I brought you a present."
    Really means...
    "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

    "I missed you."
    Really means...
    "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
    paper."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
    Really means...
    "No one will ever see us alive again."

    "We share the housework."
    Really means...
    "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

    "This relationship is getting too serious."
    Really means...
    "I like you more than my truck."

    "I recycle."
    Really means...
    "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
    Really means...
    "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

    "It sure snowed last night."
    Really means...
    "I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."

    "It's good beer."
    Really means...
    "It was on sale."

    "I don't need to read the instructions."
    Really means...
    "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
    Really means...
    "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

    "I broke up with her."
    Really means...
    "She dumped me."

    "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
    Really means...
    "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
     
  8. Imported

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    wvalady1968: Now THAT'S funny!!

    [And thanks for saving me from having to defend my whole gender! I owe you.]




    Allie
     
  9. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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  10. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You damned bastard."

    The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that clear?"

    The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
     
  11. Imported

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    wvalady1968: A father, son and grandfather are all out for a day of golf; they are paired with a beautiful, large breasted woman.

    She announces that they will get along just fine as long as the men don't try to give her any golf instruction.

    To the men's surprise, she is a very good golfer, shooting near par on every hole. At the eighteenth hole, she is left with a 30 foot putt for a par game, and while looking it over, she says "I know that I said not to give me any tips or instruction, but if any of you guys can tell me how to make this putt, I will treat you to a night of unforgetable sex."

    The father quickly says, "This hole breaks right, so hit it slightly left."

    The son disagrees, "Wrong dad, it breaks left." and turning to the woman, he says, ''Hit it slightly to the right."

    The grandfather walks over, picks up her ball, and says "Thats a gimme."
     
  12. Imported

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    tracksuitboy: I can't lay claim to authorship of this joke; it arrived with my email, but I like the writer's sense of humour!


    Dear Technical Support
     
    18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
     
    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
     
    A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
     
    Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

    I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
     
    While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Clean house 2002.

    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch Turbo Strop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
     
    Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife .0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.
     
    Any ideas?
     
  13. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

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    FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES... (LOVERS OF WORDS)
    Some are new, and some are not.

    1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

    2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

    3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    4. A backward poet writes inverse.

    5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count
    that votes.

    7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

    14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

    16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

    18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
    large.

    23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
    dye.

    27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
     
  14. Imported

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    petite_girl: This was told to me at a work holiday party:
    What are 3 2-letter words meaning small?



















    Is it in?
     
  15. Max

    Max New Member

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    [quote author=petite_girl link=board=99;num=1068686172;start=0#13 date=12/20/03 at 09:05:21]Is it in?[/quote]

    The lpsg version would have to be:

    "Is it all in?"

    To which the answer always has to be ...

    "NO!"
     
  16. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

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    Rules to live by:

    1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

    2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

    3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

    5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were
    to get a free trip around the sun.)

    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
    waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
    weeks before you need it.

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
    mistake when you make it again.

    22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

    23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.
     
  17. Ralexx

    Ralexx Member

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    [ a tribute to my "love" for my native country ::) . . . ]

    An international group of scientists wanted to learn about national character, so they ran an experiment. They gave two iron balls to an American, a German, and a Roumanian, and left them each in separate rooms (locked, no windows). Several weeks later they came back to see what had happened . . .

    When they went to the American's room, they saw him lifting the balls up and down, engaged in body building . . .

    Then, they went to the German's room where they found him engaged in measuring size, and weight, and density . . .

    Finally, they went to the Roumanian's room and found him lying on his bed. "What happened?" they asked. "Where are your balls?" "Oh," the Roumanian answered, "I lost one of them and the other one got broken."

    [ . . . ::) . . . ]
     
  18. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

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    NASA and the Navajo
    :
    : When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
    :
    : One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among : the rocks.
    :
    : The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the
    astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
    :
    : When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
    :
    : The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
    :
    : The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village
    and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loud but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
    :
    : Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these
    assholes. They have come to steal your land."
     
  19. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I've been playing [link=http://www.rpgdreamers.com/ffx/index.html]Final Fantasy X[/link] for the PlayStation 2. When your characters reach Macalania Woods, Tidus mispronounces the area as "Macarena." Wakka corrects him, and Tidus throws an "Aaaahie!" after that. :D
     
  20. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    The millenium's definitions of types of sex:

    Social Security Sex: You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

    Loud Sex: Your wife complains that every time you scream when you have an orgasm it wakes her up.

    Quiet Sex: A man asks his wife," How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" The wife responds, "You're never home."


    Confounded Sex: A man was in a terrible accident and his manhood was torn from his body. His doctor assured him that he could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor informed him that the procedure would cost $3,500 for a small penis, $6,500 for a medium sized penis, or $14,000 for large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on phone and explained their options. Twenty minutes later the doctor came back into the room and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?"
    The man replied, "She said she'd rather remodel the kitchen."
     
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